tw: death mentions, inuries, a very sad Merls

Merlins POV

"Merlin..." Lancelot began softly. 

I didn't turn to him to hide the fact that I had tears brimming in my eyes.

"I did it for you. You know that, Merlin."

Yes, I did know that. But it did not change the fact that Lancelot almost died for me. For just me. "And YOU know that I'm not worth it. Don't even try denying it, Lancelot. You're a knight, I'm just a servant."

Lancelot slowly reached out for my hand. "Merlin, no,"

I was torn between taking his hand and holding it tightly, thanking God that he was still alive and with me or pulling it away and stepping back. I turned slowly to my friend, seeing he had as much hurt in his eyes as I myself did.

"You're more than just a servant, you're my friend, my closest friend that I've ever had..." he edged closer to me, holding a gentle sense around him. I didn't know what to feel. I felt scared, but strangely safe. I'm being stupid, plenty of others had almost given their lives for me, and of course I felt bad. But with Lancelot it's strange. Not like anything other. It's frightening, shocking, saddening... Almost like...

Oh no.

As I looked deeper into his eyes, realisation crashed onto me. I'm in love with my best friend. Not again. Of course it's happening again....

There was my first love, in Ealdor. Will. Oh God, that idiot. I really loved him. But then that idiot. That idiot just had to die. Didn't he? I almost chuckle. He always wanted to be a hero. A hero for Ealdor. But he was a troublemaker with me as his partner in crime. Always causing the villagers distress. Oh God, I had loved my idiot so much it hurt. 

And then there's Lancelot. Oh. The reason it hurt so much to think of losing him is because I had already lost my first love, my first friend. The other one who had truly known me, my magic.

Now that I think about it, Will and Lancelot have a lot in common. I love both equally, both know of my magic, both make me feel wanted and loved. Both are, or were, I remind myself choking back tears, my best friends. Will died. I can't lose Lancelot too. Not while I still walk on this planet. 

A hand on my shoulder drags my back to the present. "Merlin?" his voice is full of genuine concern, and it breaks me from the inside. 

I put on a fake smile quickly. "I'm okay." my voice is barely a whisper. I know that if I speak any louder, I would break down sobbing.

"You're not. Talk to me, you can tell me anything."

I just stand there and look into his eyes before wrapping my arms around his shoulders tightly and burying my face into them. He hugs me back gently. 

"I'm sorry."

"What are you apologising for?"

"I did this to you."

No. "You did NOT," I hold him tighter. "It's just..."

He holds me back a small distance to look at me with concern. 

I inhale. "Lancelot, I..." love you. Too much. Too much to lose you. "Please don't ever do that again. Not for me, not for anyone .Just especially not for me. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself."

He cups my face with a hand lightly, lifting my head for me to look into his eyes. "Merlin, are you alright?"

I put my hand on his and smile a little. "Yeah, I'm fine." 

He's not stupid. "Merlin."

Sighing, I go in for another hug, which he returns again. "It's okay. I'm here, you're here, everyone's safe, no one's hurt too badly."

Which reminds me. "Show me your arm, please."

He rolls up his sleeve gradually and I wince. Three deep gashes stretched all across his forearm.

"Kind of cool, don't you think?" he chuckles dryly.

I give him a look. "You're turning into Gwaine."

He smiles at me as I take his arm. My eyes turn gold for a split second and his arm is healed. "And there we go."

He runs a hand over his arm and smiles warmly. "Thank you so much."

I give him a half smile back. "It's the least I could do."

We stay in an awkward silence, not knowing what to say. Eventually I slowly make my way to the door. "Gaius must be missing me... Goodnight, Lancelot."

I step out of his room, but before I could close it

 look I can't quite place is on his face before he gets up and walks over to me. "Goodnight, Merlin."

I blink and freeze in shock, mouth agape, as he kisses the top of my head.