To all those who wanted Raavi 1.0 back, stick around till the end of this.... He he 

Disclaimer: Not much, really.... A bit of angst perhaps? On the Disha track pre Ramleela. Not very kind to Suman. The quotes before each diary entry belong to Jules Verne, specifically from his book, Journey To The Centre Of The Earth. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Why do you walk away from me? He wondered... 

Why do you walk towards me? She asked him... 

Have you heard of binary stars? He asked her back. 

What do stars have to do with...? 

Just tell me! 

They stopped, both frozen in tandem. Yes. Yes, I know about them. Binary stars are two stars made such that they orbit a common point, giving and taking mass simply to balance each other out, to stay with each other. And when that doesn't work out, they either become lost or they go out in a nova. A bright and beautiful death, she said. 

Well, then perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps I'm a moon and you're my Earth. And I'll gladly live my life orbiting you over and over. And I'll either die because I'm too far from you and lost, or because I got too close and we finally collide. At least that way I'll find my way to you, to the centre of my Earth. 

-Me, Myself, And more of Me... 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

″... I no longer had any feeling other than the dark terror of the condemned tied to the mouth of a cannon, at the moment when the shot is fired and scatters their limbs into the air.”

6th of October, 2021

Dear diary, 

I had only wanted to put away the clothes, really. Maybe, that's why I'm still so shocked over it? Because I wasn't expecting it? Life makes us see the same old things in a new light every other day, doesn't it?

I'm getting off point, though. The point is, I had wanted to put the washed clothes away and had opened our almari. Technically his. And his clothes, mess that they always were, had tumbled out. At first, I figured Rishita had bungled up the last time she'd done the chores. But then I'd seen the tags on the clothes. Formal shirts, polos, slacks, even two blazers. All brand new, still with the tags on, and stuffed haphazardly behind the rest of his clothes. 

As if he hadn't wanted me to know. Hadn't wanted anyone to know. Rishita had claimed he was going to look dapper, hadn't she? He had come out in his usual clothes though, and she had looked confused. Why would Rishita know though? Because Rishita really had no reason to look confused if she hadn't known about these clothes. 

But I found one thing more disturbing than the presence of new clothes that Shiva had gotten for himself in the almari, and that was the kinds of clothes they were. He'd looked so good that day in the family haveli that I had decided it was his style. Black shirt, comfy blue jeans. Effortless. Not too different from the way he dressed normally, yet still, what was the word Rishita had used? Dapper. But these clothes weren't Shiva, not at all. 

The confusion I may have survived with, really. But then I accidentally heard Shiva talking to Rishita about this. Well, fine, it wasn't an accident. But perhaps it was all Bholenath's wish. Perhaps I needed to know how wrong I'd been about things. Shiva had always pushed, then caught me. Had always made sure the only thing that hurt me was him and his bruising grips. You know I've wondered how things have changed so much he has let me free fall into my pain this time. But now I wonder, perhaps because I had pushed, and forgotten to catch him. Perhaps because he was in freefall too. And ever since then, I've been so scared, so afraid. What would happen at the end of this? Because you fall down, don't you? And the centre of the Earth is only so far away. 

With love, and a tear apparently, 

Goodbye for now. 

Raavi Pandya. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Where did truth stop? Where did error begin? I was all adrift among a thousand contradictory hypotheses, but I could not lay hold of one.”

7th of October, 2021

Dear diary, 

He said he'd get married again today. He said he'd find a girl better than me and say yes to her. Asked me to just wait and watch. It hurt. Here I am, refusing to ever consider the possibility of remarriage, while he's come so close to saying yes to someone else. At this rate, he might not even wait for the divorce to pull through. And that hurts too. 

That he might not give me a dignified exit from his life. Because I know that if another girl enters the equation now, I will be too jealous, too in pain to care for even maintaining a semblance of dignity. I cannot bear to see him become someone else's of his own accord, when I have given so much to try and change the course of our failing relationship. Only to fail despite it all.

The worst part is that, somewhere deep down, I know he's only doing this to get to me. Because didn't he tell kaaki that he doesn't want to get married again? I had believed for a moment that perhaps there was still hope. Until I realised that no, there wasn't. Kaaki's words have assured me of that, and if Shiva's family didn't want me, then Shiva wouldn't. I wasn't important enough to him for that.

I remember the girl I used to be sometimes. Head up in the clouds and stars in my eyes. Too proud to be broken, too fast for her feet to feel the ground. She'd died on the day of our wedding, burnt to ashes as I took the saat phere with him. That girl would've said to him, no, you're mine, and I know you don't want this. The moment she suspected it.

Now I second guess myself before each word. My pride lies in tatters. I do not know right from wrong anymore. I only try to make the best of the mess I know I am in and hope that I come out of it alive. Because I know I want to live now. I just don't know how to anymore. A stranger to myself in a world of my own making.....

With love, and a watery smile for my eternal confidante,

Goodbye for now.

Raavi Pandya.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Until I discover the meaning of this sentence, I will neither eat nor sleep.

"My dear uncle-" I began.

"Nor you either," he added.

8th of October, 2021

Dear diary,

He came back. For me? Yesterday. When he walked out to drop that girl, Disha, I had felt the last of my hope flutter away. Not just my hope to keep atleast my dignity intact, but any hope that I might finally part with him on good terms. My hope that Shiva would give me this much atleast.

As soon as he left, Kaaki had gone off at me again. About how I was jealous and being petty and I didn't want to see Shiva with that too sweet girl. Well, I was jealous. Of the fact that she had stolen away the remnants of the once huge attention Shiva had bothered to spare me. That Kaaki would accept a stranger into her house so easily when I had struggled for acceptance despite knowing this family since forever. Of course I was.

I had been too tired to fight with Kaaki, despite knowing that most of the family didn't want a second marriage for Shiva either. It had been time for a strategic retreat, really. So I'd run into the bedroom after making hasty excuses, locked the door and dropped onto the bed, finally resorting to cathartic tears. And then he was there. He'd jumped in the window much earlier than he should have been if he'd really gone to drop her, only to find me, his almost ex-wife, a sobbing mess on our bed. His bed.

I don't really know what he thought of me. Of that moment. When have I ever? But he stood there frozen as I cried my suddenly silent tears, eyes fixed on him despite how blurred he looked to me. And then he was moving and I'd blinked my tears away to see where he'd gone only to find him walk around the bed to my side of it. My ex side. He raised a hand, his fingers barely touching my skin as he moved strands of my hair away from my face before he sighed, sitting beside me. He gently pulled my head towards his shoulder by my neck, and once I'd settled in a bit more comfortably, he'd laid his head back against the headboard.

He'd smoothed his hand against my hair as I told him in murmurs of what had happened. Of my pain. Of the extent of my knowledge of his pain. His hand had stopped for a moment before continuing on its path. And when I'd finished telling him of my fear of losing my place in my world and he still hadn't said a word I looked up to see his eyes closed. Fast asleep. I'd apologised to him then. Something I hadn't had the guts to do when I'd thought he was awake.

When I woke up today morning? I was tucked into my side of the bed, my alarm softly ringing away on the nightstand, and Shiva was nowhere in sight.

With love, and my trademark puzzled eyes to boot,

Goodbye for now.

Raavi Pandya.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

″... I can hardly believe my eyes. Who would have ever imagined, under this terrestrial crust, an ocean with ebbing and flowing tides, with winds and storms?"

10th of October, 2021

Dear Diary,

That girl, Disha, is playing Mandvi in the Ramleela skit. Despite me having given the correct answer to Suman Kaki's question. No matter if it was by hook or crook. Kaaki, infamous for keeping her word, had double crossed herself for that girl. And Shiva hadn't said a word.

I hadn't had the courage to face Kaaki down, and once Dhara di had been scolded for mentioning the promise no one else had bothered to try. I most certainly hadn't. Instead I'd placed a pathhar on my dil and gone about my day. Fake it till you make it. But then just as I was about to walk into the room to go to sleep, a half hour ago, I saw Shiva in there. I hid behind the doorframe, too curious to walk away, but still without the mental fortitude to face him either.

He had a bundle of hastily stapled together sheets in his hand and kept angrily muttering something as he paced to and fro at the foot of our bed. His bed? His bed on loan to her. He was barely audible, very unlike him, and only a few particularly angry words managed to reach her. Mandavi, Maa, Uss Disha, Kahaan phas gayi, Yeh chipkali bhi na! And then he froze and I was so sure he'd somehow realised I was there because he snapped around to look at the door! But he simply walked towards his nightstand and picked something up before heading for the window on the opposite side of the room, holding the papers right outside it.

A lighter. In his hands.

And just loud enough for me to catch onto, "Abh main bhi dekhti hoon yeh Maa ki Dishu binaa kisi script ki kaise kal se pehle practice karegi".

He'd burnt Disha's script.

So that she wouldn't be able to practice.

Knowing full well that it was now too late for her to make a new copy since the closest working printer right now was at least a half hour away and it was already late evening. Thank Bholenath Ravi Bhaiya didn't do regular maintenance at his xerox shop.

I'd stood there surprised until he'd almost reached the door before moving as close to the wall as I could. He walked right past me.

He'd burnt Disha's script!!!!!

I'd felt the happiness bubble up to fill me. Perhaps I'd been too happy, though. Because Suman Kaaki had called up Kanta Kaki, and then Disha's father, all as the girl shed tears at her inability to fulfill Kaaki's wishes. Kaaki had been polite and sweet and convinced the man to let his daughter stay the night at Pandya Niwas so that she could share a script and practice. It had been like a blow to the gut. I don't think Shiva expected it either. Because he looked like a tamatar about to explode, but he silently practiced his lines.

I hadn't been sure if what he had done was for me. Or for himself. Or somewhere in between. But the better question right now seems to be if it matters at all anymore.

With love, and rapidly dwindling hope,

Goodbye for now.

Raavi Pandya.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

″... since there was no indication whatever to guide our choice, we were obliged to trust to chance.”

11th of October, 2021

Dear Diary,

I write this as I wait for Shiva to finish up his phone call. I'm about to do something particularly crazy today. Even for me. In fact, I've already started on it. It's a plan that has a bit of Raavi 2.0 and a lot of Raavi 1.0 to it. Krish will be proud when he realises what I've done. Once the suddenness of my kaand wears off atleast. Maasi did always call me her resident troublemaker child.

I still cannot believe that Shiva has agreed to this though. I think he doesn't really want to, is pained that this has become necessary in any measure. But he knows we need this.

What do we need, you wonder? Well, I can't tell you that because I strongly suspect he's going to read you with how he keeps glancing at me once every two seconds. Do try to keep my secrets safe oh eternal confidante of mine... Although I admit that I'd much rather not hide anything from him. Today, tomorrow, or anytime after that.

After all, I couldn't possibly go around taking chances with our lives like I did today. I'll end up with premature wrinkles! I wouldn't have, I think. Not until I'd been helping backstage and had seen Disha happily getting ready to play act at being Shiva's wife. My husband's wife. I had watched as Kaaki reminded her to apply sindoor and my heart had folded upon itself in pain. I had just wanted an escape from it.

And I'd known that Shiva was perhaps my only way to that. I'd stumbled into his room, not bothering to knock, only to see him still only half ready. He'd turned around with a glimmer of something in his eyes that I'd noticed in my eyes until only a few days ago. Hope.

I stood there and watched that glimmer fade in his eyes just as it had in mine. And I wondered if it really wasn't worth it. At best, we would cancel that idiotic divorce plan. At worst, Shiva would ridicule me, call me unwanted again. But at this point, I'd been pretty sure his words would've been lies. It would've been like a moon falling into her planet. Messy and painful and with lots of collateral damage. But it would've been us.

So I took a chance. And...         

Oops!!! Shiva's call is over and he's coming for you!!!

With love, and with hope that he doesn't throw you away, only confiscates you,

Goodbye for now.

Raavi Pandy Shiva Pandya.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It is certain," exclaimed my uncle in a tone of triumph. "But silence, do you hear me? silence upon the whole subject; and let no one get before us in this design of discovering the centre of the earth.

12/10/2021

Dear Raavi's Mr. Diary,

I used to hate you a lot. Because she would confide in you the few secrets she's bothered to keep from the rest of this world. I still hate you. But I write this as our bus stands at a chai shop because the gadheda of a driver apparently needs one and Raavi's still asleep with her head on my shoulder and I hate you a little less.

Because she looks peaceful now. And she always looks peaceful whenever she writes in you. And now I know that I will do anything for this look on her face. And despite the fact that most of the world would consider this idiotic, I'm letting you know that yes, I will pry your secrets from you. Mostly because I'm a possessive caveman and wants to be the one who knows her the most. After asking her, of course. I'd rather not face a repeat of everything we've been through after the last time I read you without your owner's permission.

But because she's been so secretive in her last entry, let me tell you what's happening. So you don't feel left out. We're running away. Well, she wanted to spirit me away and I proposed this instead. And yes, she's right.

I understand why. Because we need space where our families can't influence us. Where there's no Disha or Rohan or Sneha or Maa. And it does hurt that we have to leave home to truly heal. That home has become a place that hurts us, no matter the intentions behind it. Hopefully, one day she won't feel the need for this. I won't feel it. But till then, run away trips to Raavi's Chacha's house in Junagadh ought to work well enough.

If you're wondering? The Ramleela shouldn't be affected. One of my friends is a paid actor. I asked him to take over Bharat's role. And we wrote letters to both of our families and left in them Hardik bhai's care.

But for now I'll enjoy 96 kilometres of State Highway, 3 hours in a rickety bus, and Raavi's head against my shoulder.

With hate, and a bet that I'll learn more about her than you ever have,

Goodbye.

Shiva Pandya, husband of Raavi Shiva Pandya.

PS Who is she kidding? I'm the Earth to her moon? The ulti khopdi's got it all upside down. Gravity did a number on me a long time ago, and I've even managed to find my way to the centre of my Earth. Although I'm going to keep that between you and me for a while. Just us boys.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx