"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace." 

— Chuck Palahniuck

/ / l o u i s / / 

Something's on her mind. 

I tilt my head to the side and watch Evelyn carefully as she chews on her bottom lip and messes around with her hands. I had been out of the shower for about ten minutes and we're all soaking wet now. Evelyn's hair curls as it dries and I'm loving the sight of it. Then again, I love everything about her. She's absolutely stunning. No one could possibly compare.

She lets out a deep breath and begins to tap her fingers on the floor beside her. I can't hold it in anymore and I just go ahead and ask her, "What's wrong?"

"What?" she seems shocked. 

"Something's bothering you," I say. "What's wrong with you?"

Evelyn shakes her head, "Nothing...Nothing's wrong with me. I'm fine." 

Her sentence sounds forced and I shake my head, unable to believe what she just told me. Why is she lying to me? I continue to stare at her and I'm growing even more frustrated by the second. She should be able to trust me. If something's bothering her, she should be able to tell me what it is. 

"Evelyn—"

"I said I'm fine!" she snaps and gets up from the floor. 

I watch her rush out of the room and moments later, I hear a door slam shut. I get up to find out where she went but I immediately stop myself from going after her. I close my eyes and shake my head, not really knowing what to do. Why is she being so difficult? I trust her. If something was bothering me, I would tell her. Why can she not just trust me? I open my eyes and my lips part. 

How long has it been since Evelyn had her medicine? 

I hurry out of the room and find Zayn sitting in the middle of the hall. He looks up at me and smiles, "Are we going to the thrift store?"

"What?" I ask him and shake my head. "Never mind. Just tell me where Evelyn went, okay?"

He points at the front door, "She went outside because she said she needed some fresh air. Should Zayn be worried?" 

I ignore his question and run out of the apartment. I look to my left and when I don't see her, I look to my right. She's nowhere to be seen and my heart's pounding. Where did she go? I run down the apartment stairs and squint my eyes when the sunlight hits me. I don't see her in the parking lot and the fear within me rises. 

"Evelyn?" I could see nothing but cars, and the sunlight's not helping me at this point. I wait to see if I'll get a respond but the only sound I hear is my own breathing. I place the palms of my hands on top of my head and try to calm my breathing. I need to calm down. I won't be able to find her if I'm panicking. 

"Evelyn!" I yell out, spinning around in circles as if she's going to magically appear. 

I hurry around the parking lot, looking to see if she's hiding behind or in someone's car. What if she ran off? What if she decided she didn't want to do this anymore and left with only saying something to Zayn? I take sharp breaths and my hands are now fists at my sides. I cannot lose her. She's all I have. She's the reason as to why I'm all right. Without her, I'll lose it. I'll go back to how I was before. Harry will make me weak again and I don't want that. 

I shake away the dark thoughts and lick my dry lips. I'm going to find her and everything's going to be fine. 

"Evelyn!" I'm practically screaming out her name. A few people stick their heads out to see what is going on only to go back inside a few moments later. None of them question what's happening and this frustrates me. Still, I don't get a response and I back up until my body presses against the brick wall. My eyes are glassy and I cannot believe I'm about to cry. I need to go back to looking for her. I can't stop looking for her now. 

If something happens to her—

"Louis?"

I turn my head to see Evelyn appear from underneath the apartment stairs. I back away from the wall and yell, "Where were you? Didn't you hear me calling your name?"

"I heard," her voice is soft, the complete opposite of how it was earlier. 

"Why didn't you answer me?" My tone is harsh, being I am somewhat unable to control it. "I was worried! Anything could have happened and you were too stubborn to listen to me! I thought you ran off. I thought you were done with me! With all of this!" Her eyes are wide and I don't let that stop me. She needs to know how I feel. "I thought something awful had happened!"

"I was sitting behind the stairs—"

"I didn't know that!"

"Please," she holds her hand up at me. "Calm down."

"I can't," I spit and she looks surprised by my response. "I can't calm down. Every time I find a way to calm down, something happens. Something bad happens and it's my fault because I was too lazy to stay strong. We're all breaking, Evelyn. It isn't just you and you shouldn't run away from your problems! If you talked them out, you wouldn't have to run away. Your job dealt with these sorts of situations, remember? You should know about these things! Gosh, you're so stubborn!"

"I can't!" it is her turn to say. She holds her hands out in front of her and she shakes them out of frustration. "You have no idea how much I want things to be how they used to be. God, I want everything to go back to normal. I want Joe back and I want my mom back and I even want the stupid dog back!" Her hands are still shaking and my jaw tightens. I'm still mad at her for making me think something happened to her. What she's saying right now is making me even more upset. "I want to go back to where I applied for the job and just take it all back! This is too much for me to handle and I just can't!"

"You're giving up," I observe. "What about now, huh? You have me and I have you! If we stick together, we'll be fine! Nothing will happen to us!"

"So many things happened to us already," she sighs. 

"Stop being so damn inconsiderate!" I yell. "You're acting so selfish right now and it's making me dislike you!" Her hands are shaking even more now. I know she's afraid but I cannot keep the words from coming out of my mouth. "God, Evelyn, do you ever think about anyone or anything other than yourself? The world doesn't just revolve around you."

"Louis—"

"Shut up!" I scream and her jaw drops. "For so long, I hated you. I hated you so much, Evelyn, and you didn't even know it. I hated you because you had gotten yourself in this mess with me. I hated you because you always thought about Joe and you never thought about me. He was no good for you and I knew I could treat you better. I hated you because I thought you would never be mine! But you know what, Evelyn? I've realized that you don't trust me and there has to be trust to make a relationship work, right?"

"Don't you dare," she points a shaky finger at me. "Don't you dare talk about Joe like that! I loved him and he was taken from me! Jesus, Louis, what's gotten into you? All I did was ignore you for less than five minutes and it's like a volcano exploded in your head! If you had so much to say, why didn't you just say it?"

I laugh and she closes her mouth, "You know what? A part of me still hates you."

"You hate me?" her voice's barely audible. "You've made my life a living nightmare!"

"You put yourself in this position!" I try to match her volume but fail. "You were so eager to help me and now look at yourself! You're nothing...just like me!"

"I loved you!" she informs me and my body cringes at the past tense version of the world 'love.' "Right now, you're acting like what we had never existed! I loved you through everything and you don't even care!" She's crying now and I shake my head, realizing what I had just done. I told her how I still hate her for getting herself into this. However, I didn't tell her the reason as to why I still hate her. I love her, though. No matter what, I'll always love her. I take a step toward her and she takes a step back. "Don't come closer to me." 

I'm pained by her words and I look down at the ground. This is my fault. I got too angry and I just let the words run out of my mouth. I was just supposed to ask Evelyn about her medication and now it looks like I am the one who's off the meds. I didn't mean what I said but I couldn't stop myself. I was too angry and there was no stopping what just happened. I watch her wipe away her tears and mutter to herself, "I can't do this anymore."

"What are you saying?" the words slip out of my mouth. 

She looks at me and says, "I don't think our relationship is going to work out."

"We barely had a relationship," I mumble and she frowns. I take another step toward her and my heart sinks when she takes another step back. 

I move forward again and this time she screams, "Stop!" I stop moving and she holds her hands out as if they are shielding her. "Stop coming near me."

"I love you, Evelyn."

"Just let me go," she whispers and the tears are falling. "Let me go, Louis. I understand why you hate me because I'm beginning to hate myself, too." 

"No," I take another step toward her and this time, she doesn't move back. "I regret everything I said, okay? Please...Please, I can't let you go." She looks away from me and I want her to look at me. I want her to believe me. I cannot help what I do when I'm mad. I cannot help what I say when I'm mad. "This argument wasn't even supposed to happen. I was just so pissed at you for not answering me and I let my anger get to me!" 

She exhales, "Why, Louis?"

"Why...what?" I move toward her some more. 

"Why are we arguing?" I have to be quiet because her voice is barely audible. She looks tired...worn out. I did this to her. It's my fault she looks like this. "I know I have my issues but I'm trying to keep it together. I'm trying my best not to snap for the sake of you and Zayn. This argument was unnecessary and I just don't see why it even happened. I need some time to think so, if you don't mind, just leave me alone right now."

"Evelyn—"

"Please," she holds her hands up again. "I'm begging you, Louis."

I'm the one who's crying now. I shake my head at her and wrap my arms around her, pulling her close to my body. I'm not leaving her out here alone. We have been through too much together. We have seen so much together. She saved my life so many times and it's my turn to save hers. If she just stays here with me, I'll save her from the bomb her mind is trying to set off. I don't wipe away the tears as I tell her, "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," she whispers. "We all have our moments. We're just frustrated. It's all right." 

"Do you still want to be left alone?" I ask her, my voice shaky. 

"Yes," she says and my heart sinks. I don't want her to be left alone out here. Why can she not just be by herself in the apartment...where it's much safer? However, I can't argue with her because I want her to forgive me. I press my lips on her forehead and her body stiffens as I kiss her. I remove my arms from around her waist and I do what she wants me to do. 

I leave her alone. 

I turn around and walk up the stairs leading to the apartment. It's quiet and I assume she's thinking about whatever the hell just happened. I sigh and walk back into the apartment. Shutting the door behind me, I lean against it and close my eyes. What happened to me out there? Why could I not find it in me to shut the hell up? My lips part and I curse at myself. Things were going so well and I let my mouth mess everything up. Evelyn's not going to want to be with me now and this sends a throbbing pain through my heart. I need her to want to be with me. I run my fingers through my hair and let out a noise I cannot quite explain. I only know it's out of frustration. 

My hands ball up into fists and I bang them against the door. I turn around and hit the door again, this time pressing my forehead against it. I need to calm down and just give her time. If I give her time, she might come back to me. She might love me again. 

"You have made my life a living nightmare!"

I shake my head against the door and try to take deep breaths. I fail and my breaths are short...sharp. She told me I made her life a nightmare. I know she wasn't lying when she said it. I saw the anger and pain in her eyes when she said it. I back away from the door and turn around to see Zayn watching me. He's standing in the middle of the living room with his head tilted to the side. I wait for him to say something but he only watches me. I wipe my face with the back of my hands and expect him to take the hint. He doesn't and keeps his eyes locked on me. 

"What?" I finally snap. 

"Louis," he points at me. "Your eyes are leaking."

"I was crying," I mutter. 

"Oh," he sounds somewhat...sad, maybe? "Why?"

I throw my arms into the air, "I don't know, Zayn! Maybe it's because I just lost the love of my life and I fucking screwed up!" I immediately feel guilty when he winces at my harsh tone. "Look, I'm sorry." He nods and bites his bottom lip. I do not need to be so hard on him. He did not know what was wrong with me. He was only trying to help. 

"Zayn doesn't like it when men touch him but..." his voice trails off as he walks toward me. I don't think I like where this is going and I start to back away from him. He smiles at me and wraps his arms around me, hugging me. He pats my back several times and I stand there like a stick. I don't hug him back and I don't look at him. If he doesn't like it when men touch him, why is he hugging me right now? I back away from the hug and he smiles at me. "Sometimes, Zayn's mommy would give him a hug and he would feel better. Zayn isn't your mommy but he hopes he helped."

"Thanks," I force a smile and hope it's convincing. 

"Zayn is going to go talk to Evelyn," he says and walks passed me to the door. 

I watch him go and I let him go. He seems to have a connection with her and she seems to have one with him. If anyone can get her back into this apartment, it's him. He leaves the door wide open and I stand in the doorway as I try to listen. Maybe I can listen to their conversation and see how Evelyn truly feels right now? 

"Um...Louis?"

My heart nearly stops at the sound of Zayn calling my name from the bottom of the stairs, "Yeah, Zayn?"

"Where's Evelyn?" he asks. 

"Behind the stairs," I say and it's quiet for a moment. I chew on my fingernails, impatiently waiting for him to say something. Zayn keeps his mouth shut and I grow impatient. I run down the stairs and see him standing where I was when Evelyn and I argued. His eyes are wide and he looks frightened. "What? What is it?" He keeps staring at me. "Spit it out, mate!"

He clears his throat, "She's not back here."

"What do you mean she's not back there? She's supposed to be behind the stairs!" I move him out of the way and look behind the stairs for myself. She isn't there and my heart thumps against my chest. 

She's gone and I have an odd feeling she doesn't want to be found.