"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."

— Neil Gaiman

/ / e v e l y n / /

I hear the door to the apartment open and close. I stay where I am. Even if I wanted to move, my body wouldn't let me. I stay seated on Joe's bed and I hold the black box in my hands. Thoughts continue to race through my head and dried tears cover my cheeks. Why would Joe keep this in his drawer? I lay back on the mattress and open the box to reveal the ring. Was he going to ask me to marry him? The thought makes my chest ache.

"Evelyn? Where are you, darling?"

I don't answer my mother. I keep my attention on the ring. I take it out of the box and toss the box to the side. If he was going to propose to me, I should have known, right? He wasn't the best at keeping secrets. He couldn't even keep it hidden when Blue peed on the floor...more than once. I slide the ring onto my ring finger and hold my hand out in front of me. My vision is blurred and I know that I am about to cry.

"Evelyn, did you hear me calling you?"

She stands in the doorway of Joe's bedroom and she looks concerned. I look at her and wipe at my eyes, "Yes, ma'am, I heard you."

"Then why didn't you answer me?" she walks into the room. "Why are you even in here? You're supposed to be packing your things." She sees the bags on the bed and on the floor and she walks deeper into the room. "Did you pack your things already? Is that why you're chilling out in here?" I sit on my hands as she goes through the first bag. "Evelyn...what the hell is this?"

I look down at my lap, "Joe's clothes."

"Yes, yes, I see that. Why are Joe's clothes in these bags? Your clothes are supposed to be in these bags."

"I...I thought I could take his clothes with me and leave mine behind." I tell her and she places her hands on her hips. "I already lost him, Mother. His belongings are all that I have left. I have to take them with me."

"I brought you here to get your clothes and you didn't do what you were supposed to do. Now, I know that I can't leave you here alone. You're not taking any of this junk with us. I will not let this happen. I won't let this ruin you."

"Mother—"

"No!" she screams and I wince. "What will this prove, huh? That you can get over his death and face his belongings? We're not taking his things."

"Mother!" I yell as she starts emptying the bags on the floor. Joe's clothes and other belongings land on the floor and I get off of the bed to pick them up. I try to shove them back into the bag and she grabs my left arm, yanking me back.

"No, Evelyn!" she shouts and I place my hands on my forehead. Her eyes widen when she looks at my hand and her voice softens. "What is that?"

I'm quick to put my hands behind me, "No, Mother, please!"

"What is that doing on your finger?"

"He loved me, Mother!" I shake my head and shout. "He was going to propose to me! You said he was nothing but a boy, Mother, but you were wrong!" Tears are rolling down my cheeks and my head's on fire. "If he didn't love me, he wouldn't have had this! Joe wasn't a child. No, Mother. He wasn't a boy. He was a man and he was willing to go out and buy this to ask me if I wanted to marry him. This is probably why he could never help pay the—"

"He wasn't going to ask you to marry him!" she interrupts me and I take a few steps back as I process what she just told me.

"W-What?"

She takes a deep breath, "A few weeks ago, he came to me with the ring. Since your father isn't around, he couldn't ask him for his blessing. He came to me and I told him no. I told him that the two of you are too young and you don't know the first thing about love. I told him that if he proposed to you without my blessing, you would tell him no because you wouldn't want to marry such a childish human being."

I keep backing up and I point a finger at her, "You are wrong. How dare you tell him that! We could have been happy. Why do you continue to ruin what little hope I have?" My back presses against the wall and I sit down on the floor. I place my hands on my forehead and tears come pouring out of my eyes. "Joe loved me. He wouldn't listen to a damn word that comes out of your pathetic mouth!"

"I'm going to go pack your things. It looks like I'm not going back to work today because I cannot trust you to be alone...clearly. I should have everything packed in less than half an hour and we'll go home," she explains and I'm tugging at my hair. "Here, give me the ring. It's causing too much trouble and you're a hot mess."

"No," I whisper.

"What was that, dear?"

"No!" I cry out and sit on my hands for the second time. "You will not take my happiness away from me! I am so sick of you trying to make me feel like shit! You've been this way ever since Dad died and I don't know what it is, but it needs to stop. Find your happiness, woman, because making me feel one hundred percent like hell isn't going to make you feel better."

"Give me the ring, Evelyn," she demands and I shake my head. "Give me the ring!" I stay where I am and she runs at me. She grabs my arms and tries to pull my hands from underneath me. I try to get her away from me but she's much stronger than me right now. She plops down on the floor beside me and grabs my wrist. I pull back but she manages to get her hand on the ring. She yanks it off of my finger and I cry out. "You'll thank me one day, sweet pea. You'll know that I'm doing this for your own good."

I cover my face with my hands and I hear her leave the room. How could she possibly be doing this for my own good? She's taking everything from me. Sure, she didn't take Louis from me but she wouldn't let me go see him in jail. He probably thinks I've abandoned him. I run my fingers through my hair and I pull at the ends. She took what left I had of Joe. She has Blue at her house but I don't like the damn dog. I never did and I probably never will. Shaking my head, I pull my knees up to my chest and look across the room at where my mother dumped Joe's clothes.

"Bitch," I hiss. She's nothing but a bitch towards me and I want it to end. I have wanted it to end for years. I have even begged for her to stop this nonsense. She said the same thing then that she said now and I am tired of it.

"You'll thank me one day. You'll know that I'm doing this for your own good."

None of this is for my own good. If anything, it makes me feel horrible and makes my mother feel like she has power over me. She may have given birth to me, but she doesn't have to control me or my life. She didn't have to do what she did. Because of her, I never knew that Joe wanted to marry me until now. It's too late to do anything about it. He's gone and he's never coming back. I know that now. There's no coming back from death. I should know this. When I thought Joe was back from the dead, it was just Harry controlling him. I was heartbroken, confused and pissed. Luckily, Louis was there to comfort me when I was at my worst. The thought of him being there angers me because he isn't here for me now.

I want him back.

He has no idea how much I want him back.

"Sweetie?" She walks back into the room and she's holding one of my blouses. "Do you honestly want to take this? It makes me want to check myself into a hospital for the night." I just stare at her and her eyes widen. "Oh, crap! I'm so sorry."

"Are you really now?"

"Don't use that tone with me, young lady," she points a finger at me. "I am your mother and no matter what, I will always know more than you. Even if I die before you do, I will still know more than you could ever know. I know what is good for you. All mothers know what is best for their children."

I wipe my cheeks, "Forget the clothes. I don't want them."

"We're not leaving this apartment without them. I was also thinking about taking the pots and pans from the kitchen. They're too good to just be put to waste. When you move out of my house, you can take them with you."

"I don't want my pots and pans! I want everything in this room!" I try my best to explain. "I want Joe's clothes. I want his cologne. I want his watch that he barely wore because he thought it made him look too professional. I want all of the things that he's ever given me. I want everything I've ever given him. I want everything that belongs to him!"

"That's not going to happen. I'm not going to let you take these things. They'll only remind you of his death! Take a mental picture of everything because that's all you're going to get."

"You're such an ass."

"A mother must be in order to put her child in place."

"I'm not a child!" I cry out, hot tears forming in my eyes.

"Adults don't act this way, Evelyn. They know what's right from wrong. Taking your stuff with us is right. Taking Joe's stuff with us is wrong. Look, I'm just going to assume you don't want this blouse. We'll be leaving soon. I'm almost done packing your clothes," she says and leaves the room. 

I scream to the top of my lungs to release the anger that's growing within me. I'm not leaving this apartment without Joe's things. I'm not leaving without that ring. She doesn't have a right to tell me what I can and can't take. I rise to my feet and start gathering Joe's things for the second time. If I have to walk to her house with these things because she won't let me ride in her car, so be it. I no longer care. I just want his things. She took the trash bags out of the room with her and I'm in need of new ones.

I walk out of the room and make my way to the kitchen. I hold onto the walls for support because I used most of my energy when Mother took the ring from me. I feel as if I might just fall over if I stand up for too long. I walk into the kitchen and place my hands on the counter. My eyes close and I take a couple deep breaths. I slowly open my eyes and look under the kitchen sink for more trash bags. I find them and decide to take the entire box of trash bags with me to the room.

A lump forms in my throat as I walk back to Joe's bedroom and I hope my mother doesn't see me. If she knows I'm doing this, she just might throw a fit...and it won't be a pretty one. I hurry into the room and shut the door behind me. I start shoving his belongings into the first trash bag I open and I try to move as fast as I can. When she comes in here to tell me that she's ready to go, I want all of his stuff packed. I come across his cologne and instead of putting it in the bag, I sit it on the bed. I want to carry that with me.

The bedroom door opens before I can even process what's going on. My mother looks at me and her lips form in a thin, straight line. I hold the bag close to me and roughly shake my head. We aren't going through this again. I refuse to go through this again. I'll lose my mind if I have to go through this again. She takes a step toward me and I take a step back.

"This isn't healthy, sweetheart."

"What you're doing to me isn't healthy, Mother," I fire back and my grip tightens on the bag.

"Let him go, Evelyn!" she shouts. "He's dead! He's not coming back! Having his belongings will not make you feel better. You'll feel trapped. You'll feel like everything was your fault when it wasn't." Her eyes are glassy and I know she's no longer talking about Joe. She's talking about Dad. "I won't let you hurt yourself."

"This isn't going to hurt me. I'd rather have his clothes than mine. I can always buy new clothes but I can never buy new clothes that belong to Joe. They'll never have his scent, Mother. They'll never feel comfortable and overused because of how much I used to wash his clothes. Please, just let me have this little happiness. Why won't you let me be happy?"

A smile forms on my mother's face and she walks in my direction. One hand goes on my shoulder and she slowly tilts her head to the side. "I'm trying my hardest to cooperate with you but you make it so hard. I want to be the best mother that I can be but you're making it so damn hard for me!" She snatches the bag from my grip and tosses it across the room. "I will burn his things if I have to!"

"If you burn his things, I will never forgive you. I will hate you for as long as I live."

"You can hate me all you want," she grins. "But I will always be your mother. There's nothing you can do about that."

"Oh, there's a lot I can do about that." I say. "Pretending that you're not my mother is not much, but it's a start."

"I gave birth to you." she hisses. "Don't sound so ungrateful."

"And I thank you so much for doing that."

"Get out of his room," she demands.

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"No," I repeat. "Did I stutter, Mother?"

She grabs me and pushes me out of Joe's bedroom. I hit the wall and I stay where I am...against the wall. My eyes close and I pinch the bridge of my nose. No matter what I do, I can't win. She always finds a way to push me back down to the bottom. I sit down on the floor and she comes out of Joe's room. She closes the door behind her and looks down at me, "The door is locked. You can't go back in there. If you left something of yours in there, it's as good as go—"

There is a knock on the door.

Mother looks down the hall and quickly looks back at me, "Are you expecting someone?"

"No," I whisper, looking down the hallway. Who could be at the door?

"I'll go see who it is. Put yourself to good use and start bringing your bags up here, okay? We still have to get the pots and pans out of the kitchen," she says before leaving to go see who's at the door. I don't move from my spot. If she thinks I'm going to go get those bags, she's wrong. I'm not doing a thing she tells me to do. I hear her ask, "Who is it?" I wait patiently to see if she knows who's on the other side of the door. "What? Speak up. I can't hear you. Who is it?" I sit up straight just as the words slip out of her mouth, "Zayn? Evelyn, do you know a Zayn?"

Zayn?

I rise to my feet and run down the hallway. If Zayn is here, he can't be alone. Someone has to be with him, right? Last time I saw him was when Louis and I escaped the hospital. How did he find his way here? Mother looks at me and she moves out of the way as I stop in front of the door. My hand wraps around the doorknob and I pull the door open without a second thought. Zayn stands right in front of me and he is smiling.

"We found you!" he exclaims, throwing his arms into the air.

"Evelyn, what's going on?" Mom asks.

"We?" I ask him.

"Zayn and—"

I look over his shoulder to see someone else standing there. His back is facing me but I know who it is. I'll never be able to forget what he looks like.

"Louis?"