"The world is a prison in which solitary confinement is preferable."

— Karl Kraus

/ / l o u i s / /

"Are you going to eat that?"

I stare down at my tray and my stomach turns. The food here's terrible but I highly expected worse. I cover my face with my hands and take a couple of deep breaths. I need to get out of here. I've been here for nearly a week and I can't take it anymore. I miss Evelyn and I need her. Her presence keeps me sane and without her, I'm slowly losing my mind. Maybe I should've waited on calling the police when she fell in the church? No. No, what am I thinking? I had to do it. If I didn't do it, Evelyn would be dead and I would probably be on my way to knock on death's door.

"Hey, are you going to eat that?"

I remove my hands from my face and the man who's sitting in front of me already has his hand on my tray. Even if I say no, he will probably take my food anyway and I don't know where his hands have been. How do I know they're clean? Hell, they're probably not. I look away from my tray and look up at the ceiling. Harry was here not even two hours ago and I wish he was here now. He's ill and he's stuck in a human body. If he was here now, I would beat his ass. He thinks that he can keep Evelyn and I apart. He cannot and I think he knows that it is impossible.

"Are you going to eat your food?" the man asks for the third time. "You've been sitting there for at least ten minutes and you haven't touched a single thing."

I look at him and my lips form in a thin, straight line.

"Hey, man. Just answer the question. Are you going to eat that or not?"

I don't blink as I continue to stare at him.

"Look, I'm not going to ask you again—"

"Just take the damn tray already!" I yell and he winces. 

The cafeteria gets quiet and I cross my arms across my chest. The man takes the tray and I'm not surprised when he gets up to go sit somewhere else. I move my hair out of my face and scratch at my facial hair. I'm too upset. I'm pissed. I know Harry has done something to Evelyn. I can feel it in my gut and I don't like this feeling. He'll be back soon and when he comes, he'll brag about what he did to her. It won't be like him if he doesn't.

I place my hands in my lap and stare at my nails. There's dirt underneath them and I have not even bothered to clean them. Why should I? All of the prisoners work hard during the day. Lunch is the only break we get and when it is time to go to bed, I don't even remember my head hitting the pillow. I place my elbows on the table and put my chin on the palm of my left hand. The man who took my tray is staring at me from across the cafeteria and I stare right back. He doesn't have a right to look at me. I gave him my food for God's sake. I was going to eat it but when I was ready. Too much was going through my mind and he was getting on my last nerve. So, I let him take my tray. Who cares if I miss a few meals?

I sure as hell don't.

I scoot back in my seat and pull my knees up to my chest. I want Evelyn and being without her is pure torture. Maybe it's best that I'm not with her right now. All I know is that she's in the hospital and there's nothing I can do to get to her. Harry won't help me and I want to kill him while he's stuck in his human form. I want to grab a knife and drag it down his body. I would laugh as he would scream and try to put up a fight.

"Are you finished?"

I look up to see a guard standing over me. "Yeah."

"Let's head back to your cell."

"I'm not going back there." I say and place my chin on my knees. I know what will happen if I protest but I don't have much to do, anyway. What do I have to lose when I'm stuck in jail?

"You don't have a choice."

"Everyone has a choice and you know it, Nathan." I snarl as I stare at him.

"Get up or else—"

"I like the view down here," I smile and do not flinch when he pulls out his taser.

"I'm giving you five seconds."

I laugh, "Why? You and I both know damn well that I'm not going to get up. If the others don't have to go back to their rooms, neither do I." He just stares at me and I look down at his taser. I could fight him and use his own weapon against him. But that would only lead to me staying in here longer.

"Five...four..."

"You're wasting your time, Nathan."

"...three...two..."

"Like I said—"

"...one," he says and I feel the shock travel throughout my body. My body jerks from the sudden shock and soon enough fall off of the chair I was sitting in. My eyes squeeze shut and my teeth grind together. Nathan removes the taser from my side and takes a step back. "Are you ready to go to your room now?"

Spit rolls out of my mouth and I wait for my body to stop jerking. I am suddenly hot and I can feel myself sweating. Nathan reaches for me and he pulls me off of the floor. Everyone in the cafeteria has their full attention on me and I'm angry. They should mind their business. None of them have a right to stare at me. If I stare at them, they would be ready to knock my teeth out. I bring a shaky hand up to move my hair out of my face and Nathan leads me toward the cafeteria exit. The other prisoners are still looking at me and I cannot take it anymore.

"What are you all looking at?" I scream and immediately regret it. My chest burns and my knees buckle. Nathan wraps his left arm around my waist to keep me from falling and I wipe the spit off the side of my mouth.

A man says, "We're looking at you, retard."

"May God have mercy on all your souls!" I yell. "Because the demon within me will come out and when it does, you all will die!"

"Yeah, yeah, get the freak out of here, Nathan!"

I open my mouth to speak but Nathan has already pulled me through the exit. He keeps pulling me down the hall and I look at everything we pass. I let out a scream and try to pull myself away from Nathan. He only tightens his grip on me and moves faster down the hall. I kick my legs and try to press my feet into the floor. I don't want to go back to my cell. I want to go back into the cafeteria and tell those men that they have no idea what I'm capable of. Sure, I may be smaller than them, but I'm smarter. I didn't do anything wrong. I simply lied to the police officer and now I'm here...away from Evelyn.

Nathan hisses, "Keep it down, will you? There's no use in fighting. I'll have no choice but to shock you again and we both know that you don't want that to happen."

"Fuck you!" I cry out and as he continues to pull me, my head drops. My hair covers my forehead and I try to calm my breathing. "Why do you continue to help me, huh? You've helped me nonstop since I've arrived. I want you to stop."

He sighs, "We all need a little help in our lives."

"I don't need your help," I snap. "If anything, I need you to leave me the hell alone and go about your business."

"I'm not going to leave you alone," he argues.

"And why is that?" I growl.

"You'll get yourself killed in here."

"So will all of the other newbies." I mutter and he keeps quiet. 

I close my mouth and allow him to drag me to my cell. There's no use in fighting back. He's much stronger than me and at this moment, I don't feel like being shocked by his taser again. Once was enough. We pass locked doors and I know that there's at least one prisoner behind each door. My cell is at the end of the hall and I do not have a roommate. I would like to keep it that way. We get to my door and Nathan unlocks it.

He pushes me inside and says, "If you behave, you may have something good said about you and your time here may be shortened." 

I want to tell him that I don't want my time to be shortened. I want to tell him the truth about Harry and how my life has changed since Evelyn stepped into it. But he closes the door and locks it back. I sit on the edge of my bed and go back to examining my dirty nails. My hands ball up into fists and I hit the sides of the bed over and over and over again. I move my hands up to my face and my cheeks are wet. I didn't even feel the tears fall.

Stupid, I think. You shouldn't have lied. Now you're stuck here.

I force myself to get off of the bed and I turn to face the wall. Its cleanliness mocks me and I growl at it. The wall doesn't deserve to be clean. I deserve to be clean and here I am looking a hot mess. I throw a fist at the white wall and hope to see my blood splatter upon it. When my skin doesn't break, I throw my fist again. I'm in pain but that doesn't stop me. Little by little, my blood begins to appear on the wall. I'm starting to become satisfied. If I'm going to be dirty, this wall is going to be dirty, as well. Nothing in this room can be clean if I cannot be clean. I'm never taking a shower here again and who knows when I'll be getting out of here? It could be weeks...months...even years before I'm able to do whatever I please again.

I drag my nails down the wall and hiss out in pain as I force them down harder on the wall. Blood drips from my fingers and I smile as I continue to paint the wall with my precious blood. If the guards see how insane I am, they may send me to a mental hospital. If that happens, maybe Evelyn will find me. Maybe she will get her life together and go back to work. If she goes back to work, she will find me waiting for her and we can be together again. I quickly drag my nails down the wall and cry out when my middle finger starts hurting more than the rest of my fingers.

I broke the nail.

This makes me sit down on the floor and stare at both of my hands. They are covered with blood and the nail on my left middle finger is split right down the middle. The pain is excruciating but I will survive. I stay put on the floor and place my hands on my lap. Slowly, I rock back and forth and smile from ear to ear. I am not the only dirty thing in this room. The wall is no longer perfect and clean. It is dirty like me. However, the floor is clean. My bed is clean. Everything else in the room is clean but the wall and I.

"Oh, no, no, no..." I whisper as I run my hands across the floor. "This is unacceptable." 

I get off of the floor and walk over to the bed. I simply place my hands on top of the sheets and smile when I leave two, bloody hand prints on the white fabric. Laughter escape my lips as I move to the door. I paint it with my blood and look at the other walls in the room. They're perfectly white. They cannot be perfect. Nothing in this room can be perfect. I keep laughing and leaving my mark on everything in this pathetic room. I hear the door open but I don't acknowledge it. I keep doing what I'm doing.

"What in God's name is going on in here?"

I ignore whoever is in the room.

"Nathan, you better get in here! He's gone crazy!"

"Who's gone crazy?" I hear footsteps and assume Nathan has decided to join the party. "What the hell is this?"

"It looks like blood."

"Turn around!" Nathan yells and I keep running my hands on the wall. "I said turn around, dammit!" My hands come to a stop and I slowly look over my shoulder. "Turn around or we'll tackle you to the ground!"

I turn around and as I do so, I rub my mouth with my right hand. I can taste my blood on my lips and the sourness makes me gag. Nathan and the other guard stare at me and I tilt my head to the side, "Nothing can be perfect."

"What is the meaning of all of this?" Nathan asks me.

"The walls!" I yell and they both wince. "The bed! The floor, the door! None of it can be perfect. You hear me? None of it! If I can't be perfect, nothing in this room can be!" Nathan's slowly reaching for his gun and I laugh. "What are you going to do, Nathan? Shoot me?" He stops reaching for his weapon and I place my hands on my hips. "You can't kill me."

"I can," he argues.

"You won't kill me."

"Tackle him to the ground."

"What?" the other guard looks surprised.

"Tackle him to the damn ground!" Nathan yells and the guard runs at me. I throw my arms into the air and let him force me onto the ground. I laugh as I feel the handcuffs on my wrists and the man pulls me up to my feet.

"Where are we taking him?" he asks.

"The padded room," Nathan replies. "He's a harm to himself and if he's capable of hurting himself, he's capable of hurting others. He'll stay there for a few days and if he doesn't show any improvement, he'll be taken to a mental hospital." I smile as I'm pushed out of the room and Nathan places his hands on my wrists, leading me down the hall. "Looks like you're not going to get that good word said about you, after all."

"It doesn't matter," I smirk. "I'm going to get out of here one way or another."

"We'll see," he mutters.

"Oh, no," I shake my head. "You'll see. You'll have all of your men come after me but you won't find me. I'll be long gone." Once Harry gets better, he'll come back for me. I know he will. He will make sure I am as far away from this place as possible. He'll help me.

"Not smart," Nathan says and pushes me. I lose my balance and almost fall on the floor when he grabs me and pulls me up straight. "Now, you'll never get away. Never tell someone your plan."

I laugh, "He'll kill you."

"Who?"

"You'll never see him coming."

"Stop speaking and keep walking."

"He'll figure out where you live."

"I said stop speaking."

"Do you have any children, Nathan?" I grin. "What about a wife? Are you married, Nathan?"

"That's none of your business."

"Ah, so you do have a family? Gosh. They're going to be devastated when they find you laying in your own pool of blood."

"What's gotten into you?" he yells. "You were so quiet when you first got here!"

"And now I've realized that I fit right in." I say and look straight ahead. "If I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open from now on. He likes to kill when they least expect it. Will he kill you in your sleep? I don't know. But I'd very much like to know."

"You're insane," he says and his voice is shaky.

"Thanks," I accept the compliment and Nathan unlocks the door before us. He kicks me behind my knees and I fall inside of the soft room.

"I hope you rot in hell!" he yells and slams the door shut.

"I was born in it!" I yell back and I do not care if he is already gone. "I've adapted to it! You, on the other hand, don't know anything about it!" 

I try to stand but I don't have any luck. The handcuffs are still on my wrists and I need my hands to lift me up. I stay put and close my eyes. I just need to misbehave for a few days and I will be out of here. Harry will find me at the mental hospital and take me away from there. I will be all right. Everything will be all right. Evelyn and I will be reunited and we'll both be happy. I open my eyes and look at the door before me.

Maybe I really am insane.