CHAPTER TEN || ALONE

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this is who we are as solider, A product of war. that means bringing home the pain and grief that haunts us. Alex washed the blood from her face in a creek the pair had come across on their search for Glenn and any other survivors from the prison... Yet the conversation between Sam and Alex had begun to diminish. Alex was too focused on her own thoughts, and pushing away the triggers of her PTSD and survivor's guilt.

Two days. it had been two days since Alex took 4 lives. it had been 6 days since the prison fell. And with each passing second Alex felt herself slipping away. It was just like Eli... Yet she had Sam. but that did make a difference when she didn't know if the people she loved were alive, or when the days all merged together and she lost track of time completely.

Sam sat off to the side counting the Ammo he had left since they'd used some getting caught in a small herd of walkers a few hours prior. Alex sighed as the cold water ran down her face, she wished it could wash away the emptiness in her soul but it couldn't. nothing could aside from the only person who seemed to be able to ease and distract her from the pain.

"Alex, We should keep moving.." Sam stated from his seated position at the edge of the creek as he loaded the bullets back into his gun, his eyes carefully examining the girl's body language and his father's words repeating in his mind as he tried to remember everything his father had told him about his PTSD to see if there was anything he could do to help.

"mhm" She nodded letting her hands fall into the water, The cold water calming her slightly as it washed over her hands... In her mind, it washed the blood of lives off her hands. deaths that she'd convinced herself were her fault, Eli's Lori's.

Getting up, she secured her backpack on her shoulder a dull pain lingering in the bottom of her back making her grimace slightly, which didn't go unnoticed by her concerned friend. she couldn't seem to understand why anyone cared about her... the same pained thought consumed her mind, what had she done to deserve being alive. but maybe this was worse than death.

"you alright?" Sam asked, He'd tried speaking to Alex since the incident. yet he could barely get more than a few words from the brunette. She couldn't control her own mind, and that was worse than anything she'd ever experienced.

"yeah," She answered bluntly, her mind racing. How could Sam possibly feel safe with her... She almost shot him... she pointed her gun at him, she thought he was the governor how did he forgive her for that? She was a killer. Alex shook her head trying to rid her mind of the thoughts that plagued her as she rubbed her back, the dull pain sending small shooting pains up her back, pains she hadn't felt in a long time.

"nah Alex what's wrong?" Sam questioned not Falling for her lies. Sam got up, His bag secured on his back, His brown hair flat to his head as a concerned expression laid upon his freckled face, he didn't want to pry but if she'd hurt herself, he needed to know, he wanted to help.

"Nothing Sam. just sleeping on the floor. let's just keep moving" She brushed off his concern straightening her back, Sam shook his head not believing her words yet he didn't want to pry any further and make her feel pressured or uncomfortable. he sighed running a hand over his face before pinching the bridge of his nose.

**

The pair walked, For what felt like hours, knives plunging into walkers skulls the whole way, The pain in Alex's back hadn't eased, She almost felt as if it had gotten worse. Yet she didn't dare believe it, She knew the complications of her Injury and she knew without Eli if it got any worse she wouldn't be able to carry on. Each step proved more painful than the last as the pair walked in silence, Sam's mind focused on the Girl he considered one of his closest friends.

The Luscious Trees taking Alex back to when she was a teen, Going on Adventures with Lori and Carl... how desperately she wished she could go back to that, instead of being stuck in her memories while searching for the only people she had left.

Alex caught sight of a sign ahead of them, Her eyebrows furrowed As they got closer and she tried to make out what the sign said. Sam noticed it too, The pair got closer to the sign until they could make out what it said. the pair stopped taking in the sign, if the rest of the group saw this... they had to have gone there.

Terminus
sanctuary for all.
community for all.
those who arrive survive.

"We gotta go there... that's where they would've gone. if they saw that. if Glenn saw that. he would've gone there looking for me." Alex stated, The slither of hope in her voice made a minuscule smile tug at the corners of Sam's lips as he nodded.

"then that's where we'll go" He wanted to find them. Not only for him. but for Alex. For his sister. If he could redeem himself for what happened to his sister he would. If he could be there for Alex the way he wished he could've been, the way he wished his sister was still there so he could be the brother he knew he could be. maybe if he could look after Alex it rid him of the guilt he felt over what happened to his sister.

Alex pulled her bag from her shoulders ignoring the growing pain in her back as she worked on opening her bag and reaching inside she grabbed a can of soup, her pocket knife quickly making an appearance as she pried the can open in order to use its contents.

Glenn come to Terminus.
Alex & Sam

she wrote on the sign with the thick soup mixture, she knew it wouldn't last long, but if he saw it... and met her there, that would be good enough for her. She had to at least try, he couldn't have died, she put him on that bus she had to have faith she would actually find him, but finding that faith was almost as difficult as finding him.

**

for what felt like the hundredth time Alex and Sam sat Opposite each other in another small camp, they'd decided to call it a night. Alex tried to keep herself composed, keep all the feelings deep within her but it didn't always work. She sat looking at Sam as she hoped Glenn Would either see her message or was Already on his way to this place, Terminus. She knew there was a possibility of it being overrun but she didn't care. if it helped her find Glenn that's all that mattered.

"Alex, can I ask you something?" Sam questioned, breaking the silence that had remained for way too long, Alex nodded trying to distract from her aching heart. a question that lingered in his mind, PTSD was different to fear and he'd only seen one of them when it came to Alex.

"how do you do this... I mean you're not scared of anything" Sam sighed running a hand over his face, his fears outweighing the silence. he was afraid. he had every right to be. if it wasn't for Alex training him the way she had, he'd probably have died at the prison or with those men. The silence returned as Alex thought over his question. She was scared. but she remembered something her sergeant said to her, fears a choice get a grip of your balls. A smile threatened to tug at her lips at the memory, yet she knew what she was scared of.

"I am" Sam cocked an eyebrow as she didn't completely shut him down, she was always scared but the fear of showing she was vulnerable scared her more, she never wanted to be deemed as weak. weak gets you taken advantage of. yet when she looked across from her she could see the potential that lingered within Sam, she could also see how genuine his question was and sighed.

"Being Alone. I don't want to lose anyone. I Can't be alone out here again... I'll lose my mind. there is no 'how' Sam, you just do. who we are and what we do to survive are different. you've just got to detach a little." Alex sighed her eyes shifting to the nails she was picking at. detach, it worked... but only for so long before she began to lose her mind.

Sam's eyebrows Furrowed, As he took in Alex's words. He'd seen the Effects of Ptsd on his father. And he'd seen the same look his father once carried in Alex's eyes at the prison. He knew that was fear, But that was different, that was Anger fuelled fear... it was memory-driven, real fear. he'd never seen the fear in her eyes that she hid on a daily.

"Glenn would say fear helps us keep our humanity... I think it can be a strength or a distraction, depends how you use it." She exhaled her mind again drifting to Glenn... Losing him, That was something that scared her. Losing them, Carl, Rick, Judith... The fear bubbled in her bones as Sam's thoughts consumed him letting the silence consume them again... The past few days seemed to be filled with silence. like a cloud of grief followed her where ever she went, never letting her escape its rain.

"what scares you?" Alex Asked, Breaking the silence once again as her mind drifted Away from what had kept her so quiet, as she returned to the moment she locked eyes with Sam, his eyes flickered away from hers as he looked down at his hands.

"dying... Turning into one of those things" Sam sighed, as he brought the flask of water to his lips, the lukewarm liquid filling his mouth, the thought of losing himself like that, aimlessly roaming the world as a walker, killing people. that's what scared him... what happened to his sister was his biggest fear and it made his stomach churn. just as Alex was about to speak up;

snap. The sound of a twig breaking made Alex automatically reach for her weapon, Sam doing the same as they aimed their weapons into the darkness. The lack of Sunlight and trees in the way blocking their vision, reminding them what had happened only days before.

"I swear to god if you don't come out right now I'll kill you" She spat, She was prepared this time. Not like those men. not like the governor. she was prepared, she wasn't letting Sam get hurt.

"Don't shoot! Don't!"

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AN || We are learning a lot about sam atm, what do you guys think about him??

any guesses as to what happens next? Also I'm at work tonight literally all night I finish at 7am so probably won't get another chapter out unless I still have energy when I finish!