I'm sitting in my room and I'm crying right now, oddly enough. It's the start of my summer vacation and we're going on a road trip at the end of it, throughout a few countries in Europe.

My parents aren't happy with me, that much is clear and I can barely get myself to leave my bed. It's so tiring. Anchors are strapped to both of my legs and I have no idea how to lose them. Kind of feels like drowning. Kind of feels like suffocation. Hm.

I don't really have any friends anymore.

Well, there's Annette, but it feels like she's tired of me. She's two years older than me and she goes to parties and drinks and has fun. I'm stuck in my house; I can't leave it, because I'm too scared of what people will think when they see me.

Will they think she's fat or she's ugly?

My self-esteem has dropped. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost. I don't even know why this is happening, and where all these thoughts suddenly appeared from. I mean, they've always been there but never been as apparent as they are now. Is it because I have too much free time on my hands?

I'm in my room and I can't breathe. It's so hard. My chest is so heavy and I can't stop crying.

Why are there so many tears coming from me?

What is wrong with me? Should I get myself checked? I'm not sure. Before I graduated middle school, the nurse told me she wasn't someone who could give me a diagnose, but she was sure of the fact that I might have something close to depression or (social) anxiety.

I don't consider myself as someone with those two mental illnesses, but why do I stay up till late night, wondering what's wrong with me and why can't I stand up in the mornings?

I'm not going to self diagnose myself, but I'm worried.

And I'm still crying, but nothing seems to help. I sit and scroll through my YouTube because I don't want to cry. I want to be happy and smile like I once did—like once you made me smile (oh man, why am I relying on you for my own happiness)—and so I watched a movie. It was kind of bittersweet to watch, but I learned something from it.

If you do what others expect from you, you'll never be happy.

I can relate, because of my parents. They expect me to attend a secondary school I don't want to attend and do things I don't want to. And I'm so tired.

It's too late, anyway. I already applied to the one I wanted to attend, and there's not a single thing they can do about it. It feels a bit nice, but I wish I did what they told me. Sometimes it hurts more to disappoint than to get slapped or hit.

Yours truly.