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I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU CRY

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I remember much about how the stone-cold soldier first showed his tears, the amount of anger and sadness that was all bottled up had exploded like a star exploding. I recollect beforehand the time where Hange had first brought my emotion and infatuation with Levi. 

It was a week before the tragedy, I had brought myself to the fact that it was late and how tired I was. As I walked down the stairs from the tower, it was to my stupefaction that the tall brunette and a crazy of a scientist was waiting-, leaning against the wall opposite to where the door was with her arms crossed and a cat-like smirk plastered on her face.

"Hang-! For heavens sakes, you creepy little shi-!"

"Miss young," Hange then swings her arm around my shoulder as I almost fall with the amount of weight and velocity she had put into it, "It has occurred to me you've been rather close with a particular raven-haired, angry, grumpy and cold motherfucker soldier~" she smirks as she wriggles her eyebrows.

"Huh?!" I whisper shout as a blush appears on my cheeks.

"Uh-huh!" Hange points in satisfaction as I only sigh in her dramatic accusation.

"For heaven's sakes Hange we've only been acquainted with them for almost two weeks," I admonish.

"Sexual attraction can only take-,"

"Finish that sentence Hange and I'm telling Erwin what you said you would cut off his-,"

"Alright! Alright!" Hange puts her hands in defence like a madman. "But don't expect me to drop it~"

"Hange!"

---

Before we knew it a week had trailed so fast before I knew it. My thoughts couldn't help linger in the tiniest sense about what Hange had said a week to me ago. Yes, Levi was definitely attractive-, if only in the fact that either the crowd didn't know about his origin or can dismiss the fact of his origin he would have been considered a definite suiter within milieu's women. Yet, though I didn't nor know him that well, any chance of a woman or man to take further interest in him.

The expedition was the same as last time, though my rank didn't seem fit to what I would do my comrades knew it was nothing but a title. My title as a lieutenant meant that I served under a commander, but my value and skill had supported the fact that I was part of Erwin's tight-knit group. If he had ever needed to stray I would fill in for his position.

Fixing the laces on my boots my mind wraps around the fact that it would be the first time the batch of three would be exposed to the monstrosity of titans, and the fact that I wasn't in their division of group didn't help either.

Isabel is one that I could only adore-, and worry about the most. Despite her stubborn and loud persona, she was still just a kid. The way her eyes lit up every time she got a question write when I was teaching her something-, or how she gets excited when she sees Levi and Furlan walk into a room with us; or when we tell her we're going horse riding.

 Furlan was the most social out of the three, he was charismatic and to what I admit perhaps could get into any crowd. He was calm and collected yet could get aggravated easily when it was the wrong note. 

Levi-, Levi I knew he could survive the best out of the three. I've seen him with the ODM gear, and I've seen him spar along physically endured it. Despite whom would ever come across him and also Levi himself he does care, and I admired his loyalty. 

 I grab my hair ties and I begin collecting small clumps of my hair and proceed in the quotation process of braiding it. The last thing I needed was my hair blocking my view and getting eaten by a titan, this reason only establishing the fact that I always tied my hair in two tight braids; reigning from the top leaving no strand besides my fringe unbraided.

After finishing my hair I get up and set up my ODM gear, making sure the straps were tight enough to rest at the speed I go at, but too tight that it will numb my legs. Flanking my scout's jacket around my shoulders I walk out of the girl's dormitories and my way to the veranda. 

"Lieutenant young," a voice calls out from behind as I turn around and see my section commander squad leader walk towards me.

"Sir," I acknowledge as we continue our journey down the hallway.

"Keep your position at all times for the expedition," Erwin suddenly says with such a tone of calmness its ambience was racketing. I knew that look, I have seen it several times. Something was up.

"Is it anything you can tell me?" I inquire with caution not wanting to overstep my boundaries.

"No, no I cannot just yet. It's a hunch Adaline, a feeling," he enunciated.

I only took Erwin's word for it, he was well respected within our ranks that word spread even to the other divisions. Erwin was calculative, cunning and discerning. I recollect the event I met him on our silent walk. The first time was only small and brief. He had just started out as a corporal. 

I was fifteen or almost sixteen I believe, and he was around twenty from what I could remember. I was called in by my recruiter head Commander Shadis, it was said that I was adapting at an unnatural rate with the training program. I was called in by him and to what I found the second guest seat was already taken by a tall blonde haired soldier who only looked my way.

"Ah, this is corporal Erwin Smith, he's one of my best. Erwin this is who I recruited," he introduces.

Erwin only gets up as I have to raise my neck and see the staggering height difference. The soldier only gives a small smile.

"You must be Adaline Young," he states, "It's a pleasure to meet you," he then gestures to sit on the other chair as we are then all seated.

"As you know Miss Young that your head instructor has informed me of your learning rate," he states.

"Without arrogance sir, I just adapt quick," I replied blankly.

"Miss Young, this is why I would like to suggest your position within our ranks. Your talented Miss Young, I believe you would make a good soldier under my corporal here. With enough guidance, I would like to assure you if you prove your loyalty you will not only be part of our inner circle but I can give some hope that you will full citizenship here."

My eyes could only widen in shock at his last statement, full citizenship? Was this a joke?

"I guarantee I will grant you full citizenship, without marrying if you ever chose not to. You have complete independence."

"I-... I'll take that offer, I'll try my best to serve you both."

"Then I look forward to working with you Miss Young," Erwin salutes.

---

"Today we take another step forward! Show me the fruits of your training-,"

"Geh, Shadis is so dramatic," I mumble as I am on the frontlines with Erwin and Hange on my side. 

"You sure you don't want to take up that offer of Fungi army-?"

"Hange. Young," Erwin chides as we shut our mouths immediately, both looking at each other as we try not to burst into laughter.

"-show them the strength of humanity! We will now begin the twenty-third Expedition Beyond the Walls!" Shadis exclaims as a deafening cry of soldiers erupts lifting their blades upwards. Hope no one pokes anyone.

As the gate opens a vast wind shoots us like a blinding fog, the tall curved arches standing tall as my breath hitches slightly. Victorious as the soldiers felt before, I knew nothing ended victorious as we all suffered losses of a fraction of those who marched on to titan territory. That's why I wasn't eager nor sparked an interest in the position, I could never hold the feeling of being responsible for my comrades' lives.

As the convoy of soldiers deploys, the moment my horse and I gallop past the walls sunshine only rains down on us and its grounds of endless rolling green plains. The sun before the storm.

For what it seemed like for more than an hour or two my guard is kept high as I ride behind Erwin and Shadis, keeping close as ordered. My mind is only wrapped around why though, had there been a mole? From military police perhaps? Yet, as much as I want an answer, titans seem a more critical dilemma to think about. 

There are not many titans on this route, titan patterns were analysed on the most well-predicted areas of high or low titan population; the main brains behind this groundbreaking discovery was I, Erwin and of course the mad titan scientist Hange. 

"Titan sighted! Ahead to our right!" Someone yells in confirmation as my head turns to see the abnormal creature, "One 15 metre class right ahead!"

"Two ten metres are heading towards us from behind!"

"They're too close to slip away," Shadis analyses looking behind.

"Can I do it-" 

"Prepare for combat! Equip your 3D Maneuver gear!" Shadis interrupts me as soldiers from the back shoot their lines. 

"Adaline, don't. In front," he says as I look to see dark rain clouds in the distance. I respond with a simple nod. "Commander, let's tighten our formation. It looks like it's going to rain."

As they further discuss my attention only shifts to the scene at the back, Flagon turns his horse as my eyes widen in astonishment with three new recruits fighting the two titans. The first two - Furlan and Isabel- are rough, using too much gas in the process, though it was an unexpected to the fact that Isabel would get too excited with her first titan. But, my eyes only glue to Levi who treats it like second nature, dexterously dispatching the towering creature as it tumbles with a loud thump.

"Everyone regroup!" Shadis yells as I could only let out a small smile at the efforts-, yet to my dismay the other two didn't mirror such expressions. Erwin signals to follow him as we disband from Shadis, making our way to the three with comments catching like wildfire about the three.

"It was impressive," Erwin interrupts, "considering it was your first time, however, you guys used up to much gas. You need to be conservative out here."

Furlan only wants to retaliate as Levi effortlessly stops him. "You're expecting me to take priority over the lives of my friends over some equipment?" he argues.

"You're performing a lot of unnecessary movements," Ewrin says.

 "Sir-," I was only silenced by him.

"Are you beginning to have any doubts?" he pressures as Levi only glares in response, "If you are, it will be the death of you." Ewrin only turns his horse and I stay for a brief moment at the three. With a last look of them of a sympathetic glance, I leave and catch up with Ewrin.

---

The fog does not help, the fog that tastes like bones with deathly whispers as the heavy rains only envelopes up in its abyss. My sights of what's ahead are ridiculed by the thick layer of fog, with my other senses hiked up to the max.

"Titans, ten metres, two! Sir-," A person is interrupted by Erwin.

"Lieutenant," Erwin looks to me and I nod. His the decision the most strategically, knowingly I would use barely gas, using only velocity. It was a thing of mine I picked up from the underground. 

I recount when I was young finding my first 3D maneuver gear, only without any gas. It was a rarity to refill, especially since I was alone and a young girl at the time. I instead used the gear rarely, yet when I did I would use paraffin liquid as an alternative. It wasn't very effective but I made use of it.

When I was introduced to the military I met Hange, who taught me a lot about physics. I used that to my advantage. Making not calculated, but reasonable guesses on how I should dart my lines.

Getting my blades I dexterously slice the nape of the first titan, then while it's still up, I use its arm to swing to the other titan, dodging its devil hand. My first instinct is to go behind the waist and then swing up but due to the fog and the uncertainty of other titans I just slide down the arm and slice from there. Jumping off my horse is already in front, myself just landing on the horse, as I circle it around and walk to Erwin and the convoy of soldiers behind.

"Any more?" I question.

"Not from what we can see," Erwin replies, "Hange's squad and Mike's should be circling back soon-," he stops as we all hear screaming in the distance-, not the kind of one getting eaten by one nor one that was on the brink if deaf-, it, it was angry.

"let's go," Erwin commands as well all follow him.

As the rain pours we halt at Erwin's hand, my horse trotting forward my eyes only widen in horror at the sight of the dead sea of bodies and blood. My breath hitches, my hand immediately covering my mouth. Erwin's eyes are stone as we ride slowly, passing the dead bodies.

It was only then I saw a single figure standing. Hair blowing in the wind, the titan fallen behind. I notice it's Levi. I don't know what gotten into me but I rode faster, towards him. Getting off my horse tears start to breach as I see Levi's cold stare looking at a head. Isabel's head.

Levi looks up slowly, lifeless after I make a noise from my shock. Walking slowly, I kneel one leg and crouch to look at Isabel. Young Isabel, my young Isabel. I get up and I walk past Levi and look at the titan. 

It was more than killed, more than mauled to deaf, more than succumbing life's horror's. the anger I saw in the scars. The clouds and the rain begin to clear up, the titan's body begin's to ridicule with flesh with Hange's taking notes. She was mortified too.

"So you're the only survivor," Erwin walks to Levi and I turn around, "How pathetic."

"Erwin-!" I fire but Levi, agrivated, only begins to charge at him and lifts his blade at him. Erwin only holds it, showing no signs of pain when blood starts to bleed.

"I'm going too... kill you," Levi chides, "That's why I'm here." 

Erwin only gets a scroll from his pocket under the cloak and tosses it to the side. "These documents revealing Lobov's crimes are a fake, the real ones have likely have already reach Daris Zachary right now. Lobov is finished." Levi's eyes widened in shock, a hopless cause-, at the expense of his friends' deaths.

"You knew everything from the start! You knew we were after you! And yet you-!"

"Levi! That's enough!" I intervene pushing him back as he stops and only looks at him. 

Levi only falls to his knees. 

---

We got back from the massacre, I remember the ambience we radiated when we got back, the crowd in the silence but a sea of whispers. After the debriefing meeting, I find myself to boil a bot of tea. Chamoille tea. I needed something to calm me down from the recent events.

My trails and plays on repeat of Isabel's body, Furlan's the titan's. How levi's figure stood in front of it. My skin still prickles from the thought of the fog, how deathly and dry if felt.

Opening the door her eyes widened to see Levi, sitting at the edge. There was pause between our contact, neither said anything.

"I brought tea," I said giving a soft smile. Levi only turned his head back to his original position. Slowly walking to him, I sit next to him, yet enough distance for both of us to not feel awkward. 

I wait for the tea to cool down and stare at the sky, the night sky. Though there were clouds, there were enough stars to see.

"What tea is it?" 

My head turns in surprise.

"Cham-, chamoille," I stutter. Levi lifts the tea cup and stares at it. "I drink it... when I need to myself at rest."

Levi blows and then sips it slightly. I do the same and then put it to the side.

"Adaline," he says, "do you think there's a heaven?"

I blink and look up, "I-, I like to believe there is. I mean, we've struggled enough here, why can't we just be in peace?"

"Hmm," Levi expresses and gives a small smile. "Furlan won't get any peace with Isabel annoying him up there."

I only let out a chuckle, which just turns into a laugh. "She was so young..." I trail. Levi only looks down.

"She was," Levi says looking at me, then looks at my hand, "thank you Adaline," he puts his hand on mine.

"F-for what?" I start to blush uncontrollably. 

"For caring," Levi replied, "you're the only one who gave a shit when Isabel died, despite all of them getting along with her before." My eyes only trailed the night sky, thinking of how Isabel was up there with Furlan. 

"She belongs there, high up... higher where the birds are."

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