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I REMEMBER MY FIRST HORSE RIDE WITH YOU

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I remember how much I loved the stables, though the hazy smell of hay and straw enriched the smell of the room I loved the sounds of the simple footsteps, movements and presence of the horses. 

My mind drifts to find my horse as I use my day off to my advantage to ride my night coated stallion, Damon. To my surprise, however, I see the male I shared tea with this morning looking tranquil as ever as he pets light strokes, reigning down from the bottom of his forehead to his muzzle.

The recherché I call it of a moment was the only few moments I recall finding him so at peace.

"His name is Damon, he's a Byerley Turk," I interrupt as I walked to Levi as the stallion turns its head to me, nudging his head at me.

"He's very beautiful," Levi compliments, "I see he's taken," he administrator to me as I chuckle.

"Yes, to you're misfortune I dare say-, no I fed you carrots yesterday," I said to my horse as it flicks its tail making him smile a bit. "You have a nice smile by the way," I compliment.

"Because I suppose it is so rare I must say," he replies.

"Well, you should do it more often," I tease.

"For what reasons?"

"Cause though things might not seem one's delight, we people must live to what can see fit and make ourselves happy; life is meant to be enjoyed."

"And what do you suggest I be happy about?" Levi questions.

"Perhaps the little things and moments," I reply as I get an apple from my pocket that I took from the kitchen. 

"Do you want to feed him?" I inquire as he nods and when I hand the apple our fingers brush for a brief moment.

"Apologies-,"

"No, it's alright. I mean, it's only a small skin to skin contact, right? Doesn't hurt?" I state as Levi only feeds the apple to my horse and to my surprise Damon eats it.

"You know, I applaud you for Damon taking a liking to you."

"Why so?"

"He doesn't like other people that much, he doesn't even like my friend Hange. Part of the reason why I named him Damon."

"What does it mean?" the ravenette questions.

"To tame," I explain.

"So, have you picked horse yet?" I quipped.

"I haven't yet, since I thought you're horse wasn't taken," Levi replies.

"Well, I think I have a horse that would suit you, follow me," I request as I guide him with a few turns on our way till we halt to a dark chocolate shaded Lusitano horse with a scar on the side of its face. 

"This is Gunter, his rider died a few months ago from a mission," I pet the horse, "It's been a warhorse all its life and follows instructions well," I explain as I let Levi pet it. 

"Hello," he says to the horse as the horse caresses his muzzle on Levi.

"Seems to like you," I smile, "Do you want to try to get onto him?" 

"If it's alright with him," Levi says as he continues to pet him. 

"I'll get a saddle," I say as I retrieve one, as I return I see Levi had already led him out of his gated section as I put on the saddle. "When you're ready."

Levi gets on from the right side as he swings his leg around, holding the reins of the horse. I watch as the horse trots around in small circles as Levi seems to be comfortable from my inspection.

"Is this your first time, riding a horse?" I ask.

"Well we don't have that many horses in the underground so I believe so," he makes it sound like a remark.

"I'll be back," I say as I walk back to where Damon was and get onto him as I guide him to our previous position where I see Levi still making small rounds with the horse.

"You're quite good," I comment.

"Thanks, I suppose," he expresses as I chuckle in amusement at his sudden coldness. 

"Do you wanna race?" I suggest as our horses trot to the exit. 

"Fine by me," he bluntly says already flicking the reins as his horse bolts out.

"Hey!" I yell as Damon takes my signal and dashes straight after them. 

I didn't know what I felt on that day, that morning as the rolling plains were blanketed with fog and the rays from the rising sun from the east was pouring ribbons and strands as they fell gently on us. The cold whispers of the morning whether do not bother me at all as I smile at the adrenaline as I stretch my arms in the air as my face basks in the sun's glory. 

The symphony of the wind, the galloping is a sound that I do not wish to fade. Gazing my sights at the rider next to me I couldn't help but describe it as something magical. They say looking at one's shoes was a way for giving an impression about them, for me, however,  riding with someone had always set my aura and thoughts about them.

Riding with Hange was something exciting, jubilant and exhilarating. The jokes we made, the early years of our time in the corps where we would ride around and yell to wake up everyone -totally on Erwin's and Shadis' orders. You never know what trouble or event would happen when you rode with Hange. 

Riding with Erwin, was peaceful yet somehow in a business manner. No matter where he went on a horse he managed to capture his authoritative demeanour. I would make rounds with him around the quarters and discuss certain strategies or even the small talk. 

Yet, riding with him was something I could not describe-, in a good way of course. It was somewhat refreshing yet nostalgic, peaceful yet exciting. It was as if the words had slipped out of my mouth and turned into a painting itself, like writing a letter about a loved one yet they were too incredible to describe. 

In the sights of our vision, we see the station for their training as we halt, myself losing to a fraction of a second to him- he cheated in my defence!

"You cheated!" I exclaimed.

"You never said you were going to initiate the race," Levi couldn't help but let out a small smirk.

"Hope you bang into a tree branch," I insult.

"Big bro!" I hear a voice as we see Isabel running up to us looking starstruck as we get off our horses. "That was amazing! I didn't know you could ride!"

"Comes naturally," he ruffles her hair. 

"Then I have to nail riding too!" she grins looking motivated as ever as Furlan smiles standing behind the red-haired female.

"My Queen!" I hear a voice yell as I groan knowing who was going to tackle me-

"Hange-, ow! Too early!" I yell feeling my feet off the ground as Hange squeezes the life out of me. I hate how she's so much taller than me, five foot seven versus five foot... you know what I'm going to say I'm five foot two, I always do anyway. 

Hange looks to the trio in front of us still holding me in her arms as I struggle to get out. "Oh, hey guys! Have you met my amazing child yet?! Isn't she amazing-,"

"Hange! I'm older than you!"

"By a few months!" she rebukes and lets me go as Molbit and Flagon approached the small assemble.

"Oi, you three," Flagon snaps at the three with his arms crossed, "Stop squandering, this isn't exactly a party, it's your only training before titans can bite your heads up, so I suggest you listen to me before you get yourselves killed."

I saw Levi trying to make an angry advance as Furlan only stopped him and gave a smile, "Will do sir," he quipped as Flagon only rolled his eyes and mutter something I was unable to hear as he began stomping away.

"Someone's on their period~" Hange crooned as I stifled a laugh as the two of us make our round across the field.

---

I had left their training halfway through as I wanted to go through my paperwork as soon as possible, the piling mountains were something I had never complained about. My comrades were all sunlighters and complained about the other half of not slaying and dying from titans. 

Writing was something I had always been fascinated with, something I yearned to learn if ever I was to escape the underground. Sunlighters had always underestimated the small privileges one sought and never bothered to appreciate. 

I recollect the moment Shadis gave me citizenship to the above, I remember every spare time I had other than training and the never-ending yelling I would embrace myself from one book to another. Then I dabbled in a bit of science and math from Hange that I commend highly of even though she could be extreme.

More so, as a woman of this time, you were either a prostitute of the underground, a woman of society, or a soldier. And in the few twenty-three years, I both sadly experienced all three. Born into the house of prostitutes, freed as a soldier and dallied as a woman. 

I hear the door knock as I tell them to come in, as I raise my head I see my commander walk through the door as I immediately get up and do a small salute. 

"At ease Lieutenant," he smiles.

"It's protocol, commander," I mock Erwin as we both chuckle.

"I see you don't waste time," he looks at the paperwork behind me.

"Though half of it is writing letters to dead comrades' families, I somewhat enjoy it, along with the other half just recounting missions. So did they approve of the new formation yet?" I inquire.

"It's still in progress, but I believe it will happen," Erwin replied as he sat down on the chair in front of me.

"Heard you saw Marie and Nile," I smiled to Erwin's old friend during his training days who now worked for the military police. "How's the little one?"

"Yeah, not the little one now, they're having a little one on the way," a smile creeps up his lips.

"That's amazing," I beamed, "I'm glad she's doing well."

"I am too, Nile was so happy when he told me the news. He's hoping for a boy this time," he chuckled.

"Oh, then it must be another girl. I mean didn't he joke last time he wanted it to be a boy?" 

"You know I think you're right," he chuckled as his face remembers the acting commander of the military police.

"Erwin, pardon my rudness but... do you ever wonder if you took up the military police instead of the corps?" I carefully question.

"I suppose Adaline... I suppose if I chose the military police I would have really loved Marie back then. But, I didn't and I don't regret that decision. I do actually have a think about it once or twice if it ever crosses my mind and I would say that I don't think I would have met the right decision if I didn't pick the survey corps. 

You see Adaline, though I would have to say I loved Marie back then... I suppose-, no, I know I wouldn't have loved her as much as she deserves now and as much as the love she receives from Nile. My heart goes to my duty," he explains.

"I see," is the only thing I can express though it wasn't a surprise that Erwin would do such a thing, he valued his duty over his own thoughts and if he loved someone it would be someone I would be willing to defend and respect if he went out of his way to value. "Erwin-, Erwin are you happy? I know it seems arupbt but were all bound to be asked that question at some point?"

Erwin only pauses as he thinks, "I would say I am happy Adaline, but if your wondering if I would ever put my own personal thoughts first I would say I would be at peace, feel peace in this chaotic world. If I would ever to court someone in the future perhaps yes, but to settle down like Nile did-, honestly I don't even know Adaline."

Erwin only looks at the bookshelf where he knows I have a book where I write my poems in. 

"What about you Adaline? Would you ever settle down?" Erwin asks.

I only pause at the mirroring of my question to him. "To settle down is such a weird term to me. Apologies if I don't make sense but, if I would ever to settle down it would either be with my partner or myself. If it would to be myself I would not find happiness to find any type of financial stability to support myself as a woman.

I am not a woman of any sort of noble background as my citizenship is defined by me entering as a scout. My only way to do want I want do would be to marry, and to marry I would want to find someone where they would respect the fact my money is my money not all theirs. My citizenship would change to one who married someone from the above instead of a scout and nothing else. 

And I suppose until that happens, I would want to honour the fact that I am a soldier from the scouts. Either options are me leaving if I ever married someone outside of the scouts because my citizenship will change. So to be at peace in a way is to honour whatever I have now."

Erwin says nothing as he furrows his eyebrows in thought. He knew it was true what I said, my options were to either to stay or to leave the scouts, and not to do however I pleased. 

Yes, I have pondered back and forth as per my contract, and I chose to stay as the I outweighed my friends and only family of the scouts over just finding someone to marry.

"You're right Adaline," he expresses, "I too wish you find peace."

"Same to you," I smile,

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