TW ━☆ﾟ.*・｡ﾟ Suicide,  illnesses, blood, death and accidents.

Hongjoong could barely keep his hand still from shaking, seeing a question that taunts him. He took a deep breath and held his head high up to confront the fan as if receiving this question does not bother him but the pain in his heart gave away his true feelings.

"Is... Is it too personal? I can change the question. I'm sorry." The fan cowered on her seat, holding out her hand to take back the piece of paper he is tightly gripping. Hongjoong vigorously shook his head to deny her concerns and put on a small smile to calm the nerves of the fan.

"It's okay." He pressed his lips in a thin line, blinking his eyes to avoid the tears from being evident. "It is time for me to reveal what truly happened to them." He shakily let out a breath, closing his eyes tightly as the haunting memories played back in his mind.

It has been exactly a year since Hongjoong has shown up in front of the public. Plenty of questions have been thrown at him as soon as he steps foot out in the public, still he kept his mouth shut in hopes for it to pass by silently. Although, he knew that he can no longer avoid it. It's just not acceptable to find that all the members disappeared with Hongjoong only the one appearing in the public. The company covered it up as a reason of them having a vacation at each other's hometown, that's why there is a lack of update from the other members in the social media.

Yet, Hongjoong knew that it cannot just be passed as that. Especially when they released a statement of an accident that is too big to be avoided or when the comments are full of witnesses of another accident that the company desperately tried to cover up.

It only brought Hongjoong shame, knowing that the fans are kept in the dark, knowing that the members are truly gone. He tried arguing to the company to just let it be. Let the fans know, and when they finally told the truth to the public, so many fans raised a campaign for support.

"What happened to the members?" He knew that he would sooner get this question, especially when he is hosting the last fan sign all by himself. They did not release the reason behind the death of the members, not wanting to be called names for being the only person remaining.

Hongjoong took a deep breath, "It all started from Seonghwa." He thought of the day when he found out what Seonghwa is going through.

Seonghwa has been acting differently for weeks. He constantly keeps making mistakes at the dance, he disappears just right after practice ended, and he has been eating very little as well. Hongjoong should have taken note of the pale face that Seonghwa is sporting that very day at the practice room. He should have checked on him right away to know what is wrong.

It was late at night. It has been particularly an exhausting day, and everyone just wants to go home at that point. However, a particular harsh cough brought them out of their head space and let their attentions divert towards Seonghwa who has his hand covering his mouth with his upper body leaning forward.

Wooyoung immediately took Seonghwa's side and patted his back gently, shooting a worried glance towards Hongjoong. They slowly attended Seonghwa towards the couch in their practice room as he continues to cough too harshly for Hongjoong to overlook it.

"Hwa?" Seonghwa shook his head, trying to deny being seen at such state he is in. Hongjoong gently pulled Seonghwa's hand away, his eyes falling down to see droplets of blood in the hand that had been covering his mouth.

"Hyung!" San latched himself towards Seonghwa, worry, concern and fear painted on his face as he gently massages the back of Seonghwa's neck. "Are you... are you okay?" Seonghwa slowly shook his head.

"I- I can't breathe properly." That's when Hongjoong finally took notice of the excessive sweating, trembling hands and the way he breathes deeply to take an intake of air. "I... I" Before they knew it, Seonghwa blacked out as the rest of them panics and ran to call their managers.

Hongjoong kept Seonghwa securely close to him, pleading him to wake up at the fear of something bad that might happen and before they knew it, he is being rushed towards the hospital.

"He has been diagnosed of malignant neoplasm that he left untreated. It is cancerous, and the more time that he had taken to ignore the signs causes the cancerous cells to divide and multiply which causes the tumor to become larger and invaded the tissues and other parts of his body." Hongjoong could only stare blankly at the wall as the doctor continues to explain, "The cancer has vitally damaged an important organ that... I'm sorry to say... Led him to his death."

When reality struck, it was as if his world came crashing down. He sank down further onto the floor at the news that came so unexpectedly. He lost him.

"I learned to love myself." Hongjoong sadly smiled, "Because of him, I learned how to love myself. He always reminds me of how perfect I am and if it weren't for him... I just... I don't know..." He hid his face behind his hands, his shoulder tensing at knowing how close he is at breaking down.

"I should have learnt from that experience. I was too dumb! Too selfish... that I forgot to take care of the members." He curled his hand into a fist, tempted to hit himself in the head repeatedly. "I should have kept an eye on them then maybe... maybe this won't happen."

"I should have learnt." He looked down on the curled fists sitting in his lap, feeling the burning sensation of the tears stinging in his eyes. "I lost Yeosang, we lost Yeosang because we didn't keep an eye on him."

Hongjoong doesn't remember the last time that he left the room nor does he remember how many people entered the room. It felt as if he is lost in an endless loop of despair, everything blurring around him.

"Hyung." San peeked inside of the room, eyes glossy with sadness. "Hyung, Yeosangie is sick but he doesn't want to take a rest." Now, that took Hongjoong's attention. He nodded at San, standing up to follow in pursuit of the younger towards Yeosang's room.

"I told you I'm okay!" Hongjoong could hear the vague voice of Yeosang on the other side of the door, "You don't have to worry about me. It's only a fever." The leader walked inside of the room, seeing a pale face looking back at him and Hongjoong almost broke down at the sudden memory of Seonghwa's pale face looking back at him.

"Yeosang." Hongjoong gestured the others to walk out of the room as he makes his way towards Yeosang's bed where he is sitting on. "You should listen to them, it's much better to rest when sick, right?" He smiled softly at Yeosang, hand falling to intertwine their fingers to each other.

"But, I'm okay! I can stand up and I don't need anyone always looking after me even when I just go to the bathroom!" Yeosang sighed, "I just... I don't want to worry anyone so I didn't tell when I'm not feeling good until Woo cuddled with me and noticed that I'm burning up." Hongjoong skimmed his eyes at his face, softening at the teary eyes that looked back up on him.

"It's much more worrying when you hide the fact you're sick." Yeosang flinched, the thought of Seonghwa crossing their minds. It has been exactly a week since his passing, and none of the members could still accept the fact that he's gone. Maybe, that's why Yeosang got sick as he isn't eating too well nor is he sleeping much.

"I know." His voice lowered, "I-I'm okay. Really. It's not much to worry."

"Okay, just tell us as soon as possible if you're feeling much worse than now." Yeosang nodded, biting his lips and averting his eyes from Hongjoong's stern gaze towards him. "Do you want someone to accompany you or...?"

"No, I'm fine alone." He nodded, feeling a bit dejected at the rejection of comfort but nonetheless understood the younger's emotion. He stood up, patting Yeosang's head before leaving the room to see Wooyoung and San waiting by the hallway.

"Is he okay?" Wooyoung quickly intervened just as Hongjoong closed the door on the shared room. "Should I go in? I should give him company whil-"

"He wants to be alone." Hongjoong smiled sadly at the duo. "He's doing well though, but just in case, we'll keep an eye on him."

Maybe, they should have done their job well. If they did keep an eye on him at all times, it wouldn't have happened. It was unexpected. It was cruel for all of them see such a sight.

Precisely two days have passed since Yeosang came out of the room and it's worrying the members. Hongjoong had knocked on the door and asked for Yeosang, yet no reply came back to them. That is, until they finally had enough and barged inside of the room just to see a sight that they could never forget.

Hongjoong could only stare in shock, hand flying up to cover his mouth as his face morphed into pain and sadness. His shaky legs could not handle holding himself up, falling down on the floor with a loud thud. He could feel the tears running down his face continuously watching as Wooyoung cradle the body and cried out for help.

"Yeosang, please! Please..." Wooyoung let a sob rack out, holding Yeosang's lifeless form into his arms. "Please... Please... Yeosang, Sangie... Please..."

It scarred them, seeing the lifeless look of Yeosang staring up at the ceiling, seeing the puddle of blood surrounding Yeosang. He should have taken responsible of it, for the death of his friend. He left him alone, knowing that he is not in the best condition. He wishes that he could have been there to save Yeosang from the unexpected accident.

"The front of his skull has been cracked open badly, letting the blood drain out in the span of two days of being left alone open." Hongjoong stared at the floor, his body buzzing with every emotions that he wants to just let out. If they checked on him immediately, then maybe they could still have saved Yeosang. "He lost too much blood, and we tried our best to recover him. I'm sorry to inform you but it was death on arrival."

Just like that, another beautiful flower has been plucked out from the very garden that Hongjoong have been dearly trying to protect.

"Yeosang is great comfort to all of us. Even when he's quiet and reserved, he always makes sure that all of us are doing well." Hongjoong could somewhat still hear Yeosang's voice singing to him, "He would always compliment me every time he gets, and both of us managed to love our own imperfections, voices and everything..."

"He, and San. Both of them are the greatest comfort we could ever had." He tightly shut his eyes, "And we lost both."

"I can't do this anymore." San curled up into a ball, hugging Shiber tightly in his arms. "Hyung, I- This is a nightmare." Hongjoong wrapped an arm around San, tightly holding him while he let the boy sob loudly.

"It's going to be okay, San." Hongjoong stared right ahead, letting his tears flow freely because he knew that it is not okay. It is never going to be okay. "We're going to be okay." He stifled his own cries, holding San closer to him.

Yunho entered his shared room with San, quickly cuddling up to the both of them before letting themselves cry on his shoulders. Perhaps, Hongjoong thought everything will be finally fine, thinking that maybe the world is not that cruel to them.

A month has passed ever since the death of the two members, and they are still not doing well. Especially Wooyoung, that's why Hongjoong kept more of an eye on him. However, he made a mistake of letting the others off the hook.

"Hyung!" Yunho came swerving inside of Hongjoong's room, letting the older look up from a picture frame that he is holding. "Hyung... San... San is gone!"

Hongjoong's head swirled with a lot of thoughts, worry and concern washing over him.

"What do you mean he's gone?"

"He- he..." Yunho held out his hand where a crumpled envelope is placed onto it, his hand shaky as he awaits for Hongjoong to take it from him.

His heart began to beat fast as soon as he took the envelope on Yunho's hand, slowly opening it to take out a piece of paper that is addressed to them.

'To: ATEEZ' Hongjoong took a deep breath, unfolding the piece of paper. 'I love all of you. I'm sorry that I chose to give up.' Hongjoong let the paper fall out of his hand, crumbling down on the floor with his hand covering his lips and let another sob rack out of his exhausted body.

"He... He..." He felt a warm hand placed on his back, looking up to see Wooyoung crying then wrapping an arm around Hongjoong. He looked over Wooyoung's shoulder to see the others wrapping each other as comfort.

"He's gone."

The manager came to them, informing that the police went to him after finding San's body. Unmoving, unconscious, lifeless. He left, after making sure that all of them have moved to at least eat and rest.

"I used to hate skin ships." Hongjoong shook his head, grabbing a pillow to tightly clutch into and bury his head on. "But San, he made me feel warm from his cuddles. Made me feel safe from everything. He was too kind, his heart is too kind to experience this."

"I should have kept an eye on him! I'm so stupid." He crossed his arm with the pillow in between, letting his fingernails dig into his arms and leaving a red trail behind. "I'm so stupid..."

"Then... Then... Mingi and Yunho quit together. I begged them not to go. I cried my eyes out and kept holding onto them. What I didn't know... I should have forced them not to go... They ended up just like San... I hate it... I hate that I lost both in one day..."

Mingi and Yunho have always been attached to one another. Finding comfort to one another. They have always relied on each other. Hongjoong should have known they were planning something. He should have realized sooner.

It was about midnight when Hongjoong could hear the sounds of creaking footsteps from the dorm. He is wide awake, unable to sleep for the nightmares that may come to haunt him. He peeked outside of the door, his eyes puffy, hair sticking out in all places, nose runny and red.

"Where are you two going?" Hongjoong asked, noticing the two familiar silhouettes of the members by the front door. "What are you doing?" He turned on the light from the living room, seeing Yunho and Mingi lowering their head in shame and their hands tightening on the duffel bag that both of them are holding.

"You... Both of you are leaving?" Hongjoong asked, stepping towards them. Yunho bit his lips and looked down, intertwining his fingers with Mingi.

"I'm sorry hyung." Mingi could only say those words, the guilt running down his bones. "We're so sorry..." Hongjoong shook his head in disbelief, launching himself to hold Yunho's wrist.

"Why... Why are you doing this? Why are you leaving? Don't..." Yunho shook off the grip on his wrist, turning away from Hongjoong. "Yunho... Mingi... Where..."

"We quitted." Hongjoong's heart shattered into pieces, "We're leaving. We can't do it anymore."

"But... All of us are here! We can help each other..."

"Hyung." Hongjoong looked up at Yunho's shiny eyes. "We love you, you know that right?" Hongjoong parted his lips, but nothing came out as the tears freely flow down his face. "Please don't cry... We hate seeing you cry, hyung."

"Then don't leave... Please, Mingi... Yunho..."

Mingi pulled away from Yunho and wrapped his arms around Hongjoong, "You love us, right?" Hongjoong nodded, "You have to let us go." He clutched onto Mingi's shirt, pshaking his head to disagree.

"No, please. Please don't leave. Please!" Hongjoong tightened his hold onto Mingi, but they managed to pull him away from them. They both ran away, Hongjoong calling out them to stop.

"We love you hyung!" Yunho turned towards Hongjoong, waving his hands up with a bright smile. "Take care of the members for us." The smile continued to stay there even when Hongjoong could see the glistening tears on his cheeks.

He should have chased them. Maybe, they would still be here. He should have kept holding on and not let his exhaustion get the best of him.

"Mingi is my partner in making music." Hongjoong smiled bitterly, "Yunho is the one who always cheers us up." He leaned forwards to take something from behind the camera then let a picture frame slide into view.

"They left this. With a note stuck from behind." Hongjoong let the picture of eight of them show, they were goofing around in the picture. Wide smiles on their faces. "They... They jumped off a cliff together... They were... The witnesses said... They were holding each other tightly... Hands intertwined with a picture of the eight of us both in their hands..."

"The note... It said to keep the smiles on our faces and that we should continue to show our talents to the world..." Hongjoong bit his lip harshly, "How could we continue without them?" He shook his head, laughing hollowly. "How could I ever continue without the team that I swore I would protect?"

"I was too far down, I forgot that I still have Wooyoung and Jongho. They are too young to experience this cruelty. I wish... I should have... I could have saved Wooyoung!"

How one devastating event continuously follows until all of them are too bruised?

They locked themselves up, to the point that their manager have to drag the three of them out so that they can eat. The company are the ones handling everything to cover up the deaths of the members.

Hongjoong thought to himself that maybe they were cursed. He shouldn't believe that but at this point, he had no one to blame but himself and the world.

He took all the blame. He drowned himself in darkness until it was too late.

That day, the managers were told to stay at the company for the sake of helping in calming down the desperate fans that wants to know the truth. That day, Hongjoong never came out of the room as he cries himself all day long.

He did not get up to eat, he did not shower, and he did not do anything but lie down and cry. No one latched onto him to ask if he's okay. No one came into the room to drag him out to eat.

Hongjoong knew that he should be taking care of himself. That the maknaes are also grieving for the death of the members, of their friends, of their family. He should have taken consideration of how heavy the burden of knowing that the people they love are gone. They were young. They should have not be experiencing this, and yet Hongjoong did not thought of it and kept weeping at the room he used to share with Seonghwa.

"Hyung! Hyung!" A particular loud sob startled Hongjoong out of the dazed state he is in and immediately sprinted outside of his room. His heart is beating too fast and it felt as if the air had been knocked out of him.

"Wooyoung... Hyung! Please do something!" Jongho pleaded, trying his best to wake Wooyoung up from his unconscious state. Hongjoong fumbled for his phone, calling the ambulance with shaky hands and a breaking heart.

They didn't want to accept it. Accept the fact that Wooyoung is gone as well. Hongjoong clutched Jongho tightly as the younger sobbed loudly at his chest, the fear of losing one another became much too strong.

Wooyoung killed himself that day. Choosing to take pills after pills until he could no longer breathe and chose to sleep forever.

"We found this in his room." The manager looked as if he had not been sleeping for days but Hongjoong could only guess that they look much worse than him. "I'm sorry." Hongjoong shook his head.

"Don't apologize. It's my fault for not keeping an eye..." Hongjoong bit his lips to stop himself from breaking down. He felt someone squeeze his hand, his eyes locking at the maknae who could only do nothing but hug Hongjoong.

"I am in too much deep. I was losing my mind every single day. I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for not confining to the two of you. But the pain is too much heavy for me to handle. I lost myself hyung. My heart, it's going to give up and I chose to take the easy way out. I'm sorry that I have to leave. I just wanted to see them again, I can't afford to be without them. I can't do it even when I know that I still have the two of you. Hongjoong-hyung. Jongho. Please take care. I love you. Goodbye."

"You... You idiot..." Hongjoong broke down, his arms tightly securing itself around Jongho. Scared that he might disappear as well.

"I'm a failure!" Hongjoong sobbed out, "I should have stood as someone who can they lean on... I- I failed as a hyung... as leader... as friend..." He looked up to the camera with broken look, "I miss his laugh. It is one that always makes me laugh, no matter what."

"I lost that laugh, and it haunts me to this day that I failed to save him." He took a few deep breaths, looking at the sight of himself looking back.

"Jongho have been forced to go back home. We... We had an argument before he left... It was another stupid mistake I made, I had the chance to not let go..."

"Hyung..." Hongjoong looked up with blurry eyesight, "Hyung... I-" Hongjoong took notice of the luggage sitting behind him and he stood up in, his eyes widening in disbelief.

"You... You're leaving me too?" Hongjoong hated the way his voice spoke out vulnerably. "Jongho..."

"I was... I was forced hyung! I- I also didn't want this..."

"Then, why didn't you reject?!" All the anger lashed out of Hongjoong, clenching his fists tightly, "You... You didn't want to stay with me... Isn't that it...?" Jongho shook his head, letting go of the luggage and placing a hand on Hongjoong's shoulder.

"No hyung! I- I don't want to leave you... I tried to stop them... I tried to stay with you. I promise you that hyung!" Hongjoong pushed Jongho away, hugging himself with his head bow down.

"Just go, leave me like everybody did."

"Hyung-"

"JUST GO!" Hongjoong slightly looked up to see Jongho with a hurt expression painted on his face, he closed his mouth and nodded mutely.

"I'm sorry..."

"Leave." When Jongho left the room, Hongjoong broke down into a sob. Cursing himself for letting his anger get the best of him. He kept hugging himself, nails burying on his arms and left a mark. He cried out, cried out for whatever God that may be listening to him.

Yet, just as many times of how he wishes for the younger to be safe, even on how many times he prayed for the people he loves to be safe. No matter what... It never got through.

Not when the manager dropped the news on him of Jongho and his parents got into a plane crash. Not when, Jongho is lying down with injuries and in a coma on the hospital. Not when the heart monitor fell into a straight line before he could even say goodbye.

Alone. He is all alone. The once strangers that became a family in his life are all gone. It's all his fault. He continuously blamed himself. He had a chance but he took it for granted.

"I was too ignorant. Too selfish that I made the mistake of letting them go. I... My selfishness brought me too lose the people I love, and treasure. Because of my own desire to be saved in this cruel world. I'm the one to blame for letting them go... I should have... I could have saved them, I could have been holding their hands now, and I could have been laughing with them. I... I miss them... I miss them so much..."

"Eight make... Eight..."

"Eight makes one team!" Hongjoong froze upon hearing the familiar voices reach his ears. He slowly looked up, seeing the familiar seven faces that he grew fond of. He couldn't help but drop down on the floor, bowing down and holding his hands together.

"Ya! Hyung, stand up!" Wooyoung shouted, pulling Hongjoong onto his knees until he is face-to-face with Wooyoung. "Please stop crying." Wooyoung moved over to let Seonghwa kneel down in front of Hongjoong, holding a hand on both of his cheeks and squishing it together.

"Joong-ah." He almost broke down at hearing Seonghwa's voice, "Don't do anything stupid." Seonghwa lightly chuckled, wiping the tears of the leader using his thumb.

"I forgive you, hyung." He looked up towards Jongho. "Please don't let it weight you down. Because I will always forgive you hyung."

"Hyung." He turned his eyes towards Mingi, "Keep continuing to make music... For us, for ATEEZ."

"Remember hyung," Yeosang dropped down beside Seonghwa. "We may not be there physically, but we'll always guide you spiritually."

"And!" Yunho cuts off, squishing himself in between Yeosang and Seonghwa then pointed at Hongjoong's left chest where his heart is located. "We will always stay inside here." He felt warmth embrace him, his body recognizing San's heat.

"We love you so much hyung! You're the best leader!"

"Thank you..." Hongjoong held his head up to face the painting of his family, his friends, and his group. "Thank you." For years, he let a smile bloom on his face, turning around to see seven smiling faces waving at him before goofing around and running towards him to embrace him.

Physically, they may not be there but Hongjoong knew that they are watching over him, that they are always embracing him just as they promised. It will always be the eight of them together.

End.

This has been a journey. I cried whilst I was writing this. 

This took me a while to write, as I am slowly losing motivation to write. I'm not okay as we speak but I will be soon <3 

I want all of you to always remind yourselves that someone will always be here for you, I will always be here for you and listen to you. If you feel like giving up, reach out to someone. Love you all.