When was the last time you were happy?

Seonghwa asked, looking at him straight in the eyes. Hongjoong shuffled in his seat, averting his eyes to look at the fidgeting fingers on his lap.

It's a simple question. However, Hongjoong felt as if it burdened him. He couldn't even look at Seonghwa as he lies through his teeth.

I'm always happy.

That was the first mistake. Hongjoong should have opened up to them, told them of how unhappy he really is. He could have felt their warmth embrace while he still had a chance. Make them understand that he trusts them to keep all his tears.

It was times like this that Hongjoong could really feel the emptiness of what he once called home. A bitter smile stretches on his face as he remembers the memories that bloomed right before him.

He wishes that it was all a lie. That everything is all a sick joke that the company played. That all is just some plan to trick their leader.

Sadly, it isn't.

He sighed, dragging his feet towards the empty couch. He could feel his heart breaking every slowly, as if it's being ripped apart to pieces.

"Hongjoong. Come on, you can't keep doing this." Seonghwa pleaded, dragging the stubborn leader out of the studio.

"I still need to add a few more touches and I'll be done." Hongjoong struggled at the tight grip of an arm wrapped around his waist.

"Can't it be done tomorrow? You need sleep, badly. Everyone is worried about you. I'm worried about you." Hongjoong gave up and instead turned on Seonghwa's arms to bury his face on the older's chest.

Seonghwa sighed, running his fingers through Hongjoong's black hair.

"What would you do without me?"

Hongjoong let a tear slip out of his eyes, chuckling sadly to his pathetic excuse back then.

He couldn't even remember the last time that he didn't sleep. He wished he could have taken Seonghwa's advice back then, and spent more time taking care of himself. He wouldn't admit it but he wishes that Seonghwa would still visit his studio late at night and drag his ass back to the dorm where everyone is waiting for him.

Yet, fate really pulled a cruel trick on him.

"Hyung! Loosen up a bit! You need to experience a little fun in life." Yunho took Hongjoong's hands and pulled him up from the floor.

"Yunho, it's break time. I want to rest." Hongjoonh whined, trying to stray away from the chaos happening by the middle. As usual, it consists of Wooyoung, San , Mingi and Yunho. Yeosang — at some point — is even encouraging them to do all this dumb things that Hongjoong wouldn't even think about doing.

"But-" Yunho pouted when Hongjoong gave him his last warning gaze, "Fine... I'm going to stay with you then!" He smiled brightly at Hongjoong, the leader sighed. There is no point at stopping their energizer, as always. He wanted everyone to cheer up in the midst of the chaos.

"Okay."

He wiped the tears that kept falling down his eyes, before he grabbed a pillow and buried his face on it.

He could have joined the members' fun when he still had a chance. He could have seen their beaming faces for one last time as they do stupid things together. He should have let himself get dragged by Yunho and get in the middle of whatever was happening then get himseld to loosen up so that they won't worry.

He realized how much things he have never experienced with them. How he missed everything that could have made it all better.

"Joong- Are you crying?" Yeosang stopped whatever he is saying and instead walked inside of Hongjoong's studio and wrapped their leader in his arms. "What's wrong?"

"T-there's nothing wrong." Hongjoong hicupped, wiping his tears using his sleeves. He sniffled and hid his face from Yeosang when the other tried to make the leader look up towards him.

"Bullshit, hyung. You're crying." Yeosang sighed and insisted of hugging Hongjoong instead of scolding him. Yeosang could feel the wet patch froming on the center of his chest as Hongjoong tightly gripped the younger's clothes and sobbed on his chest. His frame is shaking badly, and Yeosang couldn't do anything but to listen to his cries.

"I-I'm sorry. It's just that- I'm just so stressed and..." Yeosang pulled away slightly to place his hand on Hongjoong's cheek.

"You have nothing to apologize for." Yeosang said and leaned their foreheads together. Hongjoong couldn't look at his genuine eyes as the younger wrapped their fingers together. "Don't be afraid to open up to us, hyung. This is not any of your fault. You shouldn't beat yourself up."

A choked sob rang loudly throughout the empty dorm. Hongjoong couldn't stop himself from remembering the comforting words that Yeosang would always tell him.

He wishes that he could hear the younger's voice whispering comforting words in his ear for one last time. He wishes that Yeosang would be here to wrap his arms around Hongjoong even of how much he shows distaste towards any physical affections.

Hongjoong tightly wrapped his arms around the pillow, imagining it to be Yeosang. He could have listened more to the comforting words back then, he wish he didn't block everything out.

"Hyung." San cracked the door open slightly, letting a ray of light shine in between. Hongjoong hummed, looking up from his laptop as he lay at the bed. "Jongho said you weren't feeling okay. Why are you at your laptop?" San turned the lights on making Hongjoong groan at the sudden brightness of the room. He blinked his eyes multiple times to let it adjust and to see San standing by the door with Shiber in his arms.

"I'm just finishing the last few pieces." Hongjoong excused, ignoring how the younger propped himself up on his bed and cuddling Hongjoong at the side.

"Cuddle with me and Shiber?" Hongjoong sighed, dragging his fingers through his hair.

"I just have to finish this Sannie, be patient." He said, San pouted and instead placed Shiber in front of Hongjoong's face, Hongjoong looked up with an annoyed glare but it quickly vanished when he saw the genuine worry creased over the younger's face.

He let a small smile slip in his face, closing his laptop and gesturing the younger for a cuddle. San's eyes lit up and he threw himself at Hongjoong's arms, getting himself comfortable.

"I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up over it."

Hongjoong have long forgotten of the pillow, throwing it at the wall and making the picture frames hanging by there to fall at the floor and shatter into pieces. He didn't pay any attention towards it and pulled his legs up to his chest. He buried his head on his knees, and let his fingers drag at his arms, leaving red scratch marks that Hongjoong would surely regret later.

Yet, he couldn't think of any of that. Not with his thoughts twirling in regret of how he should have stayed awake with San and listen to his stories of how his day went by. It would always have something ridiculous in it, but Hongjoong always find it very entertaining especially when he gets to see San's bright smile.

He shouldn't have ignored him and thought that it's just another cuddle session. He should have thought that San needed someone to listen to him.

"Mingi." Hongjoong gave a stern gaze towards the red-haired who only bowed his head in shame. "I thought I told you to always be careful." He let out a sigh, dragging his hands over his face. "Why couldn't you just be careful!"

"Hyung. Stop it." Wooyoung finally stepped in, his eyes glossy from what seems to be tears. Hongjoong finally noticed how Mingi's figure shake, as he hide his cries from Hongjoong.

"Mingi..." Hongjoong tried to reach out but he stopped himself and looked down at the floor. "I'm so sorry..." He said and left the room, leaving Wooyoung and Mingi in the room.

Hongjoong couldn't help himself but feel deeply bad and affected. He wishes to be alone and let his anger and guilt subside before facing Mingi. He was never good at comforting and at times like this. He wishes that Seonghwa is there to help Mingi get back to his feet and scold Hongjoong for leaving just like that,

Another mistake. Hongjoong shouldn't have left Mingi's side and sat by him with hands rubbing the younger's back, apologizing to him and letting it end with a good bye.

But, as always, life isn't always that easy. There is so many things that Hongjoong could have told Mingi. He could have seen more of Mingi's smile lighting up his face when Hongjoong finally makes up with him.

He failed to do so, and that is killing him more inside.

"Hyung, look!" Wooyoung shrieked out, snapping Hongjoong out off his headspace. He turned towards Wooyoung, a frown settling on his face when sees Wooyoung pointing at the window. "A falling star! Quick, hyung. Make a wish!"

"Woo. I don't have time for making wishes. I'm working." Hongjoong said, turning his head away from Wooyoung and got back at typing at his laptop. Wooyoung frowned and shuffled closer at Hongjoong.

"Stop working. Let's go out at the park." Hongjoong sighed, ignoring Wooyoung and continued typing. "Hyung."

"I am working Wooyoung." The brown-haired flinched back, frowning even more further.

He should have gave Wooyoung all the time in his world. He could have took a walk in the park, hand in hand with Wooyoung as the other keep pointing at some silly things and making comments at everything he found funny.

At this point, Hongjoong stopped making any noise. The silence deafening the room. His eyes glared at the wall, his fingers sinking into his skin to leave more marks. He didn't move on the couch even when the morning light pouted inside from the window.

"Joong-hyung?" Jongho entered the room and quickly notices Hongjoong looking down at their picture frame. "Oh, hyung." Jongho sighed, settling down beside Hongjoong and pulled him into his embrace. Hongjoong let himself lean on the Jongho's chest, his eyes still lingering at the picture frame.

"Where did I ever go wrong?" Hongjoong whispered, raising his hand to trace a finger at their picture.

"It's not your fault hyung." The leader shook his head and pulled away from Jongho. He didn't look at Jongho. He just wanted to be alone.

"Get out." It was harsh, Hongjoong knew that but he knew how much the younger is stubborn about staying.

"Hyung-"

"Just, please. Get out." Jongho let his arms fall down on his sides, he felt the other sniffle and stand up from his place.

"It's really not your fault. Hyung. Please..." Jongho trailed off, slowly walking out of the door, "Take- Take care of yourself, hyung."

It was at that time that Hongjoong didn't realize the last goodbye Jongho gave. Hongjoong should have grabbed him, pulled him into his arms and tell him how he doesn't want to let him leave.

He wanted to go back in time, so bad. To fix everything. To save everyone.

It used to be eight... Why is he all alone now?