May 5, 2009

I open my eyes and squint as the terribly bright light that pours through my bedroom window shines over me. My eyes slowly focus on the world around them, and I watch the flecks of dust dancing in the air where the sun touches them. The night passed with ease for once and I wasn't sure why. For years now I have been soused to being awoken by nightmares and at worse times, night terrors.Those were the worst. The dreams that pulled you so far under, and showed you your worst fear; all of it feeling so realistic while you're unable to wake up. But, my dreams were filled with memories of that blue-eyed boy. Jace.

I lift a very sore arm and press two fingers lightly to my lips. I had smiled yesterday. I can't even remember the last time I was happy enough to do such a thing. It felt so great, but it hadn't lasted long. Now that I'm back in reality, back home in my shit hole life, I can see that it was all just pure luck. Something that more than likely will never happen again and I should just let it go, or else I'll allow myself to dwell and wait for something like it re-occur, knowing fully well it wouldn't.

The sound of something being slammed echoes through the house, followed by an angry growl. Marcus is angry; very, very angry. My heart almost stops as I hear his feet stomp down the hall, coming closer and closer to my room. Within seconds, the door slams open and Marcus makes it to me in two strides.

"You lil' shit! I just got a call from your school saying you ditched and disobeyed your teacher yesterday!" Marcus yells.

My eyes widen in fear. I had been such an idiot, to think that the school wouldn't report yesterday to my parents. Did I really think I would get away with it? I just hadn't been thinking, I'd been so hurt and sad and all I could think about was ending it. In all honesty, I didn't think I would be alive to get in shit today.

"I-I can explain!" I cry out as Marcus takes a fist full of my hair and roughly pulls me off my bed and out of the room.

A strangled cry rips from my throat as I'm dragged by the hair through the hallway and into the kitchen where my head is finally dropped and hits the cold linoleum floor.Before I can collect myself, I feel Marcus' hand grab the fabric of my shirt and pull me up to strike me. I fall once more, but this time I'm ready and immediately try to roll onto my stomach and crawl away.I think that maybe I'll get away and that he's done, but I close my eyes in fear as I feel his hand close around my ankle to yank me back and then kick me hard in the groin.

"Marcus, stop! He gets it! He won't do it again! Right, Kai?" My mother cries as she runs into the kitchen half dressed, trying to pull Marcus away.

I try to turn around, to tell her to stay out of it, but I'm too late. Marcus swings and I watch with tears in my eyes as his fist connects with her cheek. My mom falls to the floor, crying and holding her face, and I feel the rage explode inside me. No one hurts my mother.

With all the strength I have left in my body, I climb to my feet and lunge at an unsuspecting Marcus. He let's out a shout of surprise as he somehow falls under my weight. I don't hesitate, or give him time to retaliate.

"You. Don't. Fucking. Touch. Her!" I scream as my fists begin repeatedly swinging until his face is a bloody mess.

When I finally stand and see the coughing, delirious Marcus laying there bloody and half-conscious, I feel that aching knot inside my chest. I feel like I should cry, but I will not waste tears over this worthless man.

I hurry over to the fridge and pull an ice pack from the freezer that I had there for myself and bring it back to my crying mother. Gently pulling her hands from her face, I press the cold pack to her cheek and brush away the last of her tears, trying to look her in the eye and see the mother I miss so dearly, but all I see is a broken shell of a woman.

"Please, for the love of god leave him. Get out of here and don't come back," I tell her softly.

She sways a little as she tries to stand and then without saying a word, she steps into my arms and lays her forehead against my shoulder and sobs. "I'm so sorry, Kai."

I instantly wrap my arms around the frail woman and kiss the top of her head. "I'll be okay, mum. I don't blame you, I promise."

She nods and steps back, looking up at me and almost looking like my mom, she says, "But, where will you go?"

I think about it, and I realize that I don't really know. In all honesty though, I don't care as long as it's not here. "Just know that I'll be safe and you can call me if you need me."

She looks at Marcus' unconscious form and then nods once more. I leave her to herself for a moment as I run back to my room and grab my duffel bag from my closet and begin stuffing clothes and everything else I love or need into it and zip it up. My eyes glance around the little room for the last time and I almost feel excited. I will never have to return to this cramped room, in this shit-hole of a house, ever again.

Back in the kitchen, my mom has cleaned up the bit of blood and moved Marcus to the couch in the living room. I give her one last hug and then she tells me to hold on for a second and disappears into the hall that leads to hers and Marcus' bedroom. She returns seconds later with a wad of cash, and tells me that there should be enough to get me by until I figure out what I'm doing. I thank her and with that, I walk out the front door with no intention of returning.

**

"Thanks Matt, you're a lifesaver," I sigh in relief as a guy in a navy blue hoodie comes around the corner and hands me a small baggy filled with my favourite green.

"Sure. That'll be twenty."

I hand him the money and we part ways. Not that I'm exactly a continuous stoner, I just really need this right now. With all the stress and my depression worsening. What could a little bit of weed do to me?

As I walk with no particular destination in mind, I casually sip at the bottle of whiskey I'd bought at the local Tesco. It feels good to be eighteen and able to buy booze. Hell, it feels good to be eighteen and be able to just take off and disappear and be able to take care of myself. The empty road feels good beneath my feet, and the bright blue sky makes me feel like things might possibly get better for me now.

I take another sip.

If mom listened to me, then she'd be out of that house by now. Marcus will disappear from both of our lives. As long as she didn't stay. What if she stayed? Would she be stupid enough to stay with him despite the fact that he hit her and practically beat the shit out of me? It wouldn't surprise me actually. Mom isn't good at change, not if it means having to take control of her own life.

Another sip.

I wonder what Jace is doing right now. I wonder if he's thought about me since last night. Maybe he's completely forgotten about me and is enjoying his summer vacation without a single thought about the boy he doesn't even realize he saved. Jace saved me. He managed to stop me from killing myself yesterday, and I didn't think that anything was going to be able to change my mind.

I find myself standing in the middle of a bridge and out of curiosity I walk over to the side and peer over the edge. I'm rather high up and the water below rushes by, current strong and the water deep. I truly don't know what makes me want to, but I pull myself up onto the warm, metal rail and swing my legs over so that I'm sitting with my feet dangling in the air. It's dangerous and stupid, but my tipsy brain isn't thinking very clearly.I feel like a zombie, just dragging my lifeless corpse around hopelessly.

The alcohol has lost it's flavour by now.

I pull out the baggy and my tiny little pipe. After I grind some green into the pipe, I light up and inhale deeply, looking up at the bright blue sky through tired eyes. The colour reminds me of Jace's eyes. But, his blue is more radiant. His eyes glow and sparkle and hold so much life in them. I wish I could know what it feels like to feel so happy and alive, to have people think of me in such a way when they look me in the eye. I've seen myself, though. All anyone ever sees is the ugly, scarred, sad boy with dead eyes.

I trade the bottle for the pipe, inhaling deeply.

My mind is spinning now and all I want to do is talk to Jace again. I dig out my phone and flip through my contacts and click on his name. I just really hope that he'll come, that the offer to call him was real. That he wasn't just being polite to the depressed boy.

After the first ring I worry he won't pick up, that maybe he's annoyed that I actually thought I could call him. On the second ring, I become afraid and second guess what I'm doing, thinking I should just leave him alone. But, he answers on the third ring before I can hang up.

"Hello?" That fluttery feeling returns at the sound of Jace's voice.

I stay silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. "Uh, hi."

"Who is this?" he asks awkwardly.

"Erm.. It's me--uh--Kai," I say quietly.

I hear him apologize for not knowing, that he hadn't gotten my number yesterday, so he didn't recognize it when it popped up.

"It's fine."

Another sip, another toke.

"What's up? Is everything okay?"

I think about that. Is everything okay? I'm happy to be away from Marcus, but what am I to do now? Fear starts setting in as I realise that I may not have a place to sleep tonight. That I may not be able to afford food a couple days from now. That my entire life might still crumble if I can't figure out how to get by. How to start my life.

"Not exactly. Can you please come here? I-I'm at the main bridge near town," I slur most of my words.

"I think I know the way. I'm already in town, so give me fifteen," Jace says quickly.

Then, the phone disconnects and I'm left to my own dark thoughts again. My eyes look down at the water that flows beneath me. It's funny to think that there is the possibility of death if I jump right now. I can jump and no one would even notice.I'd disappear from the world and it won't matter because life goes on and the world keeps turning. The world would just be so much better without me. I have nothing to contribute, nor am I a great person to be around. Hell, I have no friends, no family, and now I'm left with a small amount of money and no home. What is the point of anything anymore? I think about it though, and realize that I do have one thing; Jace. He's coming and maybe he'd be upset if he found me not here. Would he piece it together? Probably. He's a smart guy. I decide to put off killing myself again and wait for Jace to arrive.

Fifteen minutes pass and Jace is right on time.

"What are you doing up there!?"he asks in exasperation, walking quickly up to the edge of the bridge.

I smirk. "Sitting. What's it look like?"

"Are you drunk?"

"Yup." I say, popping the 'p'.

"What happened? Does it have to do with what happened to your face?" Jace questions, sounding more and more concerned by the second.

"Take a seat, Jace. Join me and we'll talk," I say, patting the railing beside me.

He just stands there, thinking it over for a few minutes. Then, to my actual surprise, he climbs up and slides next to me. I can feel his eyes on me, and I know he's seen the pipe in my hand alongside the bottle of whiskey. He's probably reconsidering being friends with such a mess of a person. I would, too.

"I used to be a really happy person, you know that?" I start bitterly.

He stays silent and waits for me to goon.

"But, life really likes to push me. It likes to push me to the very edge to see what I'll do. It mocks me. It won't fucking end me, it just keeps pushing and pushing until I have no choice, but to end it all myself. Until I'm so broken and alone and pathetic that I just don't want to fight back anymore. I don't want to die, but I'm so fucking tired of hurting."

"Kai, I know if I say that I understand how you feel, you won't believe me. If someone said that to me when I was in your place, I know I wouldn't. But... I do. And, let me tell you, as corny as it sounds, it will get better. Life doesn't give anyone more than they can handle. Anything that happens to you only happens because you are strong enough to get through it."

"I'm not. I'm weak and a pathetic excuse for a human being. Ask anyone! I'm ugly and stupid and useless and a waste of space!" I cry, tears beginning to form in my eyes.

Why do I always get so damn emotional around him? It feels good, but I also feel so vulnerable and naked. The hurt and pain just won't stay buried though, no matter how hard I fight against it. Maybe I need to let it out. Let out the tears and grief and anger.

"I don't think you're any of those things. Actually, you're rather cute. And I like talking to you, because you're smart. You're articulate and I'm interested in every word you say. As for being useless and a waste of space? I see that as poisonous words being spewed by jealous jerks," Jace slides closer and slowly places an arm around my shoulders.

I'm tempted to pull away, but the sudden interaction makes me feel so nice and safe and warm. Instead of pulling away, I find myself leaning into Jace's dark green jumper and my own arms wrapping themselves around his waist to hug him close. It's been so long since I've been held, and really, truly made to feel cared about. The sobs just won't stop now.

"I have nothing! He hit my mom and I beat the shit out of him. If I go home he'll kill me!" I cry into his shoulder. "I've got no friends to turn to, no family to run to, and I have only a small bit of cash that my mom managed to give me. What the hell do I do now!?"

Jace sighs and I feel him rest his chin on top of my head, hugging me even tighter, causing my sobs to intensify to the point where not a sound comes out and my chest aches from the pain. I can't get enough air, feeling like I'm being suffocated by my own sadness.

"That's not true. You have me and I'm going to do everything I can to help you, I promise. We may not know each other well, but I care about your well-being, Kai." he whispers in my ear. "Now, why don't you come back to mine and we can try and sort out what your options are, yeah?"

I think about it and I really don't see the harm. Jace--though not by much--is older, he could have some knowledge of what I can do now that I really don't have a home and no job or a finished education. Thinking about all that, I realize just how truly screwed I am. This isn't going to be easy, but I might as well try. No point in sitting around and doing nothing until it's too late to do anything.

"O-okay," I hiccup, trying to calm myself.

I feel Jace let me go, taking his arm back to begin climbing back over the rail. He lands back on the pavement and turns to help me climb over too, but as I twist myself around and reach out for his offered hand, my foot on the railing slips and suddenly I am falling backwards through open air, grasping at nothing. Jace's eyes lock on mine, but his face is frozen in shock as he watches me fall and disappear beneath the dark depths of the river.