July 23, 2009

"You sure you're going to be okay? I can wait here for you," Jared says, looking at me worriedly.

I shake my head and give him a small tight smile, "No, I'll be alright. Thanks for the ride, I promise to make it up to you."

"Think nothing of it man, consider this the first of many attempts I'll be making to repay you for before," He says with a sad smile before pulling out of the parking lot and speeding off.

I quickly turn and look up at the building, taking deep calming breaths before forcing my feet to take me forward. I can do this; I need to do this. Be brave, be strong,be... whatever he needs me to be. Following signs, I make my way down a familiar hall, ignoring the painful flashbacks threatening my anxious mind.

When I find the door I'm looking for, I pause for only a second before knocking softly and pushing it open.My heart pounds frantically in my chest the second I see my beautiful blue eyed lover before me with a sad, serene look in his eyes. He sits in a small recliner by the window and doesn't seem to notice my entrance.

Tears form in my eyes when I take in the sickly pale colour of his skin, how frail he suddenly appears,but it doesn't deter from is natural beauty in the slightest. His arm has many tubes and wires connected to it, just like in my dream and just thinking back to my night terror of last night has me stepping forward quickly and wrapping my arms around him from behind, nestling my nose in the crook of his neck as I take in his sweet, familiar scent and hide my tears from him.

I hear a sharp intake of breath and then a long, sad sigh as he leans back into me, grasping tightly at my arms around him. His grip is weak, but it just makes me hold him tighter, as though I'm afraid he'll fade away and disappear.

"I'm here, Love. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," I whisper against his shoulder, laying gentle kisses where his skin is bared to me.

"Baby, no, I'm so sorry! I should have told you, it was so stupid of me! You don't deserve this, I'm so sorry I did this to-" He sobs, but I cut him off by coming around and pressing my lips to his gently, ignoring how chapped they are, and indulging in his addictive taste.

When I pull back, I meet his watery eyes with an intense and meaningful stare, "Don't. Please don't do that to yourself. I'm not angry with you, I never was, I was just scared. I'm so sorry I left you. I was a coward and.... it doesn't matter, because I'm not going anywhere now. I promise."

Jace can't seem to come up with something to say, so instead he adjusts himself and pulls me down to cuddle in the recliner with him. Once my head his tucked beneath his chin, my arms around his waist and our legs entangled, I finally feel like I can breathe, chest hurting as though I have been suffocating this entire time I've been without his presence.

We sit here like this for what feels like forever, but I don't mind one bit, because I'm back in the arms of the man I love; where I belong.

"Kai? Can I tell you a story?"Jace whispers suddenly.

I go to sit up, but he keeps me against him, head resting on his shoulder, so I just nod and wait for him to speak. His heart is stuttering and every few breaths I can hear a wheeze and sometimes he coughs and the entire time I feel like someone is pulling at my heart painfully.

"There was.... a boy. He was just seventeen years old and he thought he had life pretty well figured out. His parents were becoming well-off, he had a lot of friends,good grades, dreams and a craving for escape and adventure. His life was the perfect cliche and to top it off, his best friend at school became his boyfriend. They thought they were in love and everything seemed to be going pretty well... perfect, in his eyes. Then... one winter the boy got really sick. He tried to pass it off as nothing, but when his parents and boyfriend noticed the boy could hardly breathe, they rushed him to the hospital. There, they diagnosed him with pneumonia.No one thought anything of it, because this happens sometimes... but when the rest of the tests came back, it was soon discovered that the boy had cancer. Non-hodgkin's disease to be exact. A cancerous disease that effects the lymphatic system."

"The odds for recovery were decent compared to many other types of cancers, so the boy was relieved. His boyfriend was heartbroken, but vowed to do everything he could to help the boy and stay by his side. Everything went well for a while,the cancer wasn't spreading, the boy could return to school because doctor's believed after the first chemo treatment, surgery would not be necessary. The boy, although embarrassed by lack of hair and the condition the chemo had left him in, attempted going about life like a normal person, with his boyfriend by his side."

"One day, this boy's parents decided they wanted to move to the big city and buy a big house now that they were pulling in a lot of cash and were considered higher ups. The boy refused and stayed so he could stay with his boyfriend. Little did he know that the real reason his parents were moving was to be closer to another family, who in exchange for the boy's marriage to their daughter, would cover his hospital bills, because his parents were not so well off as he thought. They were being fed money because this families lesbian daughter needed to have a husband to save face in public."

"The boy had to find a way to make money himself to keep treatment going, but his boyfriend refused to let him, as he was too sick. The boy's boyfriend soon was bringing in enough cash, but at an alarming rate, and it worried the boy, because his boyfriend was always gone and he was changing for the worse. When it was revealed that the cancer had spread a bit, his boyfriend became bitter and depressive and the boy could see the change in his Love's appearance. It came out eventually that his boyfriend had been selling drugs, a profession his cousin introduced him to, to make the money and had been dragged into the scene. Well.... the boy was heartbroken that his lover had gone to such extents to save him and hated himself for causing such a wonderful, happy person to break like that and fall into such a horrible state. So, he decided to break things off and go live with his parents, knowing that the only way his lover could have a normal life was without him in the picture. His boyfriend was furious and they fought for days and they both said a million and one things they regret to this day to hurt the other, and soon after, the boy left and didn't speak to his now ex-boyfriend again until years later."

"When he moved, he agreed to the arrangements, but refused to meet the girl or accept the proposal until he had moved on and had a chance to live his life his way before tying himself down. It wasn't until just before his nineteenth birthday that the doctor's announced his remission. The boy was thrilled and as soon as he could, started working to save his own money for university as he studied and finished the school he had missed during treatment, at home. It was a couple months before his twentieth that he finished two years worth of schooling and could apply to universities and attend by that following fall. He worked hard and when he knew he had enough money, he thought a trip back to his home town would be just what he needs before he could move on to the next chapter of his life. So, he planned to spend that summer there. He did not, however, plan to meet the true love of his life."

I blink back tears and hug Jace tightly, wrapping myself around him as much as humanly possible,feeling like if I let go, he'd fall apart in my arms that's how much he is trembling. My lips press gently to his jaw, and that's enough to release the tension growing in his shoulders and I almost smile when he relaxes against me and kisses my forehead.

"The boy was just walking down the street, ready to mail his last application, when a car sped by and the letter flew from his hand. He yelled for a boy in front of him to grab it, and he watched in amusement as the boy scrambled and fell into the puddle, looking like he was cursing the world the entire time. Up close though, when he looked into those dark brown eyes,those sweet pouty lips, and damp, slightly curled hair... he knew that boy was special. He just wasn't sure how special, yet. Later that day he saw the boy again, and when he saw how hurt he was, he knew he couldn't let the boy go not knowing what was wrong. So, he invited him to coffee and that led to hanging out and then by the end of the day,he knew that this boy could very well be a danger to his heart, and yet he didn't mind so much."

"The next day, he got a call that would change his life. This boy was in need of him and he didn't dare not show up. When he arrived, he came across the saddest boy he'sever seen. It broke his heart and he knew with every fiber of his being, that he wanted to help this boy, give him a second chance,just as he had received from life. He didn't want this boy to die early, knowing he could have done something, so... that's what he did. He did something. After an accident, this younger boy came to live with him and his family member, where the elder boy watched him slowly change. It was difficult and there were many, many bumps in the road, but the small moments were what made it worth it; small smiles,glimpses of pride, his sweet laugh, seeing him find interests and friends and most of all, watching him grow into a man now free of the chains that once held him down."

By this point, I'm full on sobbing into Jace's shoulder and his grip around me tightens as he takes a deep breath, continuing although I'm terrified to hear where this story goes. I'm frightened because I want to live in ignorance, but I can't keep doing that. I can't, because this story, however romantic it may seem, is in fact a tragedy and there's just no way around that.

"One day however, the boy became jealous of a girl his beautiful brown-eyed boy was spending time with and as he stormed home, hating himself for being so petty, he ran into someone he never expected to see... his past boyfriend. To spite the boy who had captured his affections, he brought his ex home and although he knew it was a mistake, and it would just hurt everyone,he didn't think and just acted. He ended up hurting his past love and his new love, because he was selfish and he hated himself for not only hurting his ex again, but for being the reason his new love would soon attempt on his life."

"Those couple weeks, waiting for his beautiful brown-eyed love to wake from a drug-induced coma, were the worst of his life. He vowed to never hurt him again, to look after and care for the boy the way he deserves. It was during those weeks, however, that it was revealed that this story has a horrible twist. The boy fell ill and although he blamed it on poor nutrition and lack of sleep, his family argued that he should get tested, but he refused. He didn't want to believe that he was sick again, not after all he'd done to get better, to create a life for himself...not after he finally found the love of his life."

"Even after the boy woke, he pretended everything was fine and stayed strong for the boy, despite the fact his body was weakening with each passing day. When the boy finally could come home, he was thrilled and decided to bring the boy to his most private and special of places... with the intention of revealing the truth. When he saw the happiness and affection in his boy's eyes though, he just couldn't bare to be the reason that light faded again, nor see his love look at him with sadness and pity. He was a coward and hid the truth, knowing he was getting worse, knowing he'd eventually have to admit to himself that the cancer had returned, but he was too happy and he yearned to live in denial as long as he could."

Jace's voice finally breaks as he lapses into sobs, gripping me so tightly it almost hurts, but I can't find it in me to care as I wrap him up in my arms and whisper to him softly, "Shh, baby. It's going to be okay. You still make me happy and I still love you, that's never going to change no matter how sick you are... no matter what happens to you. Always and forever, okay?"

He nods quickly and pulls me down to kiss me. He tastes salty from the tears streaming down our cheeks,but I can't care less. It's all Jace and I'm going to kiss him anyway. I'll kiss him until he can't kiss me anymore. I'll love him until he can't love me anymore. Nothing in the world can change how I feel about this beautiful, sad man.

"Kai...if I-"

"No, I'm staying. You were there for me when I almost died. You stayed by me and helped me through therapy and you honestly saved my life in the long run. I may be helpless in this situation, but the one thing I can do is stay, and I'll be damned if I let you convince me to do otherwise. I love you and I'm not going anywhere. I'm right where I want to be, no matter what happens," I say, surprising even myself with how determined and serious I sound; mature even.

Jace doesn't get the chance to reply, because it's at that moment that the door swings open and a man in a white doctor's coat walks in with a clip board. We both freeze and I consider getting off of Jace, but judging by the tight, shaky grip he has on my sleeve, he won't let me even if I try.

"Ah, you must be Jacen's...boyfriend, I presume?" The man says, not appearing disgusted, but maybe slightly awkward.

I offer a small smile and nod, "Yes sir, I am."

He nods and comes over to examine everything connected to Jace, writing some things down and I get up for when he starts looking over him, giving him a short physical. "Alright, well there doesn't seem to be any progression right now. Your current results are in."

I return to Jace's side, choosing to sit on the arm of the chair whilst taking his hand, he nods at the doctor to speak and the man flips through the papers on his clipboard before clearing his throat and speaking.

"Seeing as the tumours are located in the lungs, we want surgery to be our last option. There are a few more tests that must return before we decide the best treatment route for you, but I will suggest you prepare for chemotherapy Mr.Levett. In the long run, you've been quite lucky so far, let's hope you're just as lucky this time around," The doctor finishes with a smile.

"Yeah... Uhm. What about my request to return to Reading?" I'm shocked by this and I can tell Jace is ignoring my confused expression as he stares down the doctor.

"As much as I'd advise you to stay here under my care, you are free to return. Your parents are hiring a private doctor who will be able to handle your case who will treat you at the hospital in Reading. You will be allowed to stay at home, but any instructions regarding your health and you must follow them or your parents have agreed to force you back under my care here in London. There will be periods where you will be monitored at the hospital for days at a time, but as long as all goes well, you're free to go home. You will be discharged from my care tomorrow evening."

After that the doctor leaves and Jace and I just sort of sit in silence, letting everything sink in. I, the story he has revealed to me and the fact that he's coming home with me. He, the fact that the cancer is in deed back, and he's going back to Reading and returning to something he prayed he'd left behind.

July 27, 2009

When we first got home, Jace was acting as normal as possible, sure a little melancholy was obvious, but overall he seemed to be accepting everything. He cuddled with me and watched movies, he ate dinner with Grams and I and talked about random crap, even managing a light laugh or two. It was all strained though, I can see him struggling inside and it makes me ache inside knowing I don't know how to help him.

Yesterday, he'd been trying to get a bowl of cereal and I watched as his hands seemed to just let go and the bowl fell, shattering and sending milk and cereal everywhere. I rushed over to his side and tried to help him clean, but he just fell on his knees, desperately wiping and yelling at me that 'he has it,he can do it himself.' I didn't know what to do as I saw the man I loved crying, trembling and hurting so badly as he tried to clean up his mess.

I bent down slowly, getting on my knees, too--despite the milk and broken bowl--and took his face in the palm of my hands, making him look up at me with red, sad eyes. "It's okay, it was an accident. Let me help you."

He let me stand him up and bring him over to a stool before I returned to the mess and hurriedly cleaned it up, avoiding cutting my hands on the shards. The sound of chair on tile screeched, but by the time I turned Jace had already left the kitchen and all I heard was him running upstairs and slamming his bedroom door.

He hasn't come out since and even though I know I can get in if I try, I am giving him the space he needs. This is hard for him, I know that, and it's something he needs to come to terms with. I understand in some way. It's one thing to have people tell you what's wrong with you, but it's a whole other thing to believe it and accept it yourself.

All that, is how I came to be sitting outside of his bedroom door at 2:30 Am, listening to my lover's soft cries coming from the other side. My heart hurts and all I want is to hold him and comfort him, if only he'd just let me in.

"Kai, just leave me alone. I can't do this right now," He mumbles and it sounds like he's sitting against the door on his side.

I shake my head even though he can't see, "I can't do that, Jace. I promised I'd stay by you through it all. You're hurting right now, and that means I'm hurting too. I can't and won't leave you like this."

"You... you shouldn't be with me. I can't give you a normal relationship anymore, especially if.. if I-"

"I think I remember believing the same thing about myself a while back. Jace, I don't know how many times I have to say it. I love you. I love you with all my heart. If... If by some chance you are taken from me... I won't lie and say I'll be okay. I know it'll hurt like hell. But, I'll still love you, and I'll never stop. You'll always be my first and most incredible love," I say softly, pressing my hand flat against the door, wishing that one inch of space would disappear from between us.

"You'll change your mind. When I get worse, when my hair is gone, skin is pale, lips chapped, and I become sickly thin and frail. Cancer isn't pretty, Kai. I won't be the same me. I could hurt you, ruin you like I did Charlie." He chokes out from the other side.

I sigh, heart aching, "You're right. The chemo will take your hair, it will greedily ravage your body and no, Cancer is not pretty. But, Jace... the one thing it can't take from you is the things that make you, you. Cancer can't take your kindness, your understanding, your generosity, your compassion, your huge loving heart. Most of all, it can't take away the love I feel for you."

I hear his body shuffle a bit as his cries become more painful to hear and damn near shatter my heart when I hear him break off into a light coughing fit. "You say those things now."

"When you saw me bruised and crying in the rain that day when we first met, and I then told you I wanted to kill myself, did you think less of me?" I ask.

"N-No, but-"

"When I lashed out at you from sudden bursts of anger, or shut you out, or you found me throwing up my dinner, did you turn away from me or leave me?"

"I--No.."

"When you found me seizing on my bedroom floor, because I swallowed all those pills, wanting to die so badly because I hated myself, and I went into that coma, and you learned about my scars, and eating disorder, and how fucked up I really was, were you disgusted and did you turn your back on me?"I demand, tears brimming and threatening to spill.

"No, baby. I could never, "He whispers from the other side.

"Then, what the fuck makes you think I'd ever leave you because you were sick!? Just because you'll look different and we can't act like an ordinary couple? News flash, baby! We've never been ordinary. If you could manage to hold me in your arms, while I was seconds away from OD'ing and succeeding in killing myself, you'd better believe I'll be there with you through the chemo and I don't care how much it hurts, I'll be there until your last few seconds if I have to, because... dammit, I love you!"I shout, slamming my fist against the floor, tears pouring down my cheeks.

There's no response for a while, but eventually I hear a little click and some shuffling. I take that as my invitation and slowly open the door to find Jace sitting on his bed now, eyes puffy and his arms wrapped around himself tightly. He shakes his head, biting into his lip to suppress a sob, but that only lasts so long before he's up and throwing himself into my arms, sobbing hard against my shoulder.

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I'm sorry, baby. I love you, please don't think I wanted to shut you out because I don't love you, because I do," He cries and the rest becomes too difficult to understand.

"I know love, it's okay. You're scared. I'm scared, too, but we're going to be okay and you're going to get better. I really believe it," I whisper into his ear,nuzzling his cheek with mine softly.

He pulls back just a bit, sniffling and wiping at his nose, "I don't want to die, Kai. I don't want to leave you, not when I only just found you."

Tears fall heavily from both our eyes,and there are no words that either of us can say, because he can't assure me that he'll get better, and I can't assure him he won't die.All I can do is prove to him I'll love him through it all and that my heart belongs to him, no matter what happens.

When I can truly think of nothing to say, I decide to simply show him. By pressing my lips gently to his,relishing in the perfect way my lips mould against his. The way his kisses always start off sweet and nervous, but become bold and passionate with each passing second. I adore the intoxicating taste of him,the way our bodies press against each other so tightly, arms holding the other with so much care and tenderness.

When I pull back for air, I can see the fear and sadness in those bright blues, but I can also see love and trust and want. "Kai... can you take me away for just awhile?"

I'm not sure how, but I understand what he wants and with a small smile, eagerly press my lips to his once more and gently walk him back until his legs hit the bed and we're both tumbling back.

Tonight is not about lust. It's about passion and love and vulnerability. It's not just about sex, it's about feeling connected; being one. It's about devotion and proving our affection without words, but through touch.

**

When we're both exhausted, wrapped up in each other beneath his blankets, hidden from the rest of the world, I press a gentle kiss to his swollen lips and offer a smile,"I love you, Jace. I'm not going anywhere. We're in this together, I promise."

His eyes remain shut, but a small smile appears that makes my heart flutter, "I love you too, Kai. I'm so glad I met you that day."

Me too, Jace. Me too.