June 23, 2009

The next day I wake to find Jace still curled up next to me. I can't help but smile as I raise a weak hand and brush his hair out of his eyes to get a better look at his face.Many people look funny or unattractive when they sleep, but Jace just looks so... peaceful and beautiful. It kills me that I'm not ready to call him mine yet. I want to so badly, but I'm not mentally ready fora relationship and it would be unfair to him. I will be ready one day though, I just pray he can wait.

"I love you," Jace whispers as he closes his eyes and pulls me close.

The memory warms me to the core and I can feel a small smile form on my lips. Guilt eats me up for not being able to say it in return, but he understands, I know he does. That's why he said it was okay that I didn't say it back right then. I can't love him properly, but I can at least still show him that my feelings go further than friendship while I'm trying to heal.

I lean down and lay a gentle kiss on his forehead before giving his shoulder a light shake, making him jump awake. He sits up and looks over at me groggily before smiling and rubbing at his eyes. I can't help but smile at how cute he looks with his heavy eyes, bed head and his shirt that's ridden up to reveal a little bit of of his flat and firm stomach as he stretches.

"Morning," My voice is still weak and kind of croaky.

Jace just smiles and takes my hand in his, "Morning sunshine, how are you feeling today?"

I shrug, "Like I've slept for a year. It feels good to not be all zombified."

We both laugh at that and Jace gives me a quick peck on the cheek before leaving for the cafeteria to get us breakfast when he hears the vicious growling from my stomach. When was the last time I ate? Even before the incident I can't remember my last meal. Damn, I really need to get that under control. If I'm going to try and get better I need to eat properly too, to get both mentally and physically strong.

I sigh and ignore the little voice that tells me I don't want to eat as I sit up to stretch a little. I wonder how long I'm going to have to stay here. Surely they'll just prescribe some anti-depressant and send me off. At least, that's what I'm hoping. I just want to return to normal. A normal life spent by Jace's side would be all I could ever need to get better.

The door creaks open, pulling me from my thoughts and has me happy as I expect Jace to come through with our food, but my heart drops at the sight of who comes through instead.

"Charlie?" I hear my voice croak.

He looks so uncomfortable; feet shuffling, pink cheeks, twiddling thumbs, eyes glued to the floor until they finally lift to meet mine.

"Uh, yeah. I'm not supposed to be here, but I wanted to see how you were doing," He looks so earnest and sad.

Ugh, damn my inability to be a dick. I sigh and lean back, patting the spot on the bed next to me, signalling for him to come join me and talk. He hesitates for a moment before shuffling over and taking a seat. After that it goes silent and we just awkwardly sit there for a while before he finally thinks of something to say.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry,"He begins, raising a hand to silence me when I go to speak. "No,I need to say this. Kai, I've known Jace for some time now and have been through a lot with him and because of him. When he came back, I wanted nothing more than to have him back, thinking that's where he belonged. I went so far as to try and scare you off and I even went so far as to show up at that funeral and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry because I see now that Jace isn't mine anymore. He doesn't belong with me Kai, because he belongs with you. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused and I'm sorry that all of it resulted in you ending up here. Whether you blame me or not, I feel responsible and I'm sorry. Neither of you will hear from me again, I promise."

I'm so stunned that I don't know what to say. Does he really blame himself? Is this real? Is Charlie actually apologizing and giving up on Jace? Is he actually handing him over to me? This makes no sense. None of this was his fault, the only person responsible for me attempting suicide is myself. I took those pills, I twisted everything around to make myself see nothing, but the darkness in life.

I snap out of my thought bubble when I feel Charlie get up to leave. He can't just leave, where is he going?He's not going to do something stupid out of guilt, right!? Worried now, I reach forward and grab him by the wrist to turn him around and he looks back at me shocked.

I look up at him, not really sure what to say, so I decide to just wing it. "Thank you, Charlie. But, I don't blame you for anything. My reasons for what I did had nothing to do with you. I was hoping I was leaving Jace where he belonged,because I thought I was too messed up--too screwed up to deserve someone like him. So, even though I've come to see differently, and as much as I want Jace, I also don't want to see him hurt if you just disappear from his life; he wouldn't want that."

A tear slips down Charlie's cheek as he sucks in a shaky breath. "I'm sorry for everything I've said to you, Kai. You're really something, you know that? But, I have to go regardless. I've taken a job in the states and I leave at the end of the month."

"What?" A voice squeaks from the still open doorway.

Both Charlie and I turn to see a shocked and hurt looking Jace holding a tray with our breakfasts on it. I watch Charlie's lower lip tremble as he tries to form the right words, he clearly didn't want to run into Jace today. He really had planned on just disappearing. That's not okay though, he needs to properly say goodbye to Jace. So, I push back the jealousy in me and nudge Charlie forward.

The second he takes one step he doesn't stop until he has his arms wrapped around Jace, tears pouring down his cheeks. "I'm leaving. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything I've put you guys through. I was going to tell you, but I was so scared you hated me."

Jace sighs and fights back his own tears, rubbing Charlie's back in a comforting fashion. "I don't hate you, Charlie. Neither of us hates you. How can you not know by now that I could never hate you?"

Charlie pulls back at that and chuckles, wiping away his tears. "Yeah, yeah. I know, how could you not love me? I'm fucking awesome."

Both Jace and I roll our eyes and smile at Charlie's attempt to lighten the mood.

"Take good care of him, Kai. He's not as tough as he pretends to be," Charlie tells me with a genuine smile as he lightly punches Jace's shoulder.

Then he turns to Jace, face turning more serious. "And you. Hold on to him, he's good for you. Don't do to him what you did to me. That's advice coming from your best friend, not ex-boyfriend."

Jace lets out a shaky breath and nods.I'm confused now. What did Jace do to Charlie? Was it bad? How could he have ever done something to hurt someone? Well, it couldn't have been that bad if Charlie still wants him. Then again, Jace said there was a reason why him and Charlie can't possibly be together again.

"I won't, I promise. You be careful over there, okay? If you ever come home, give us a call?" I can tell that Jace is hurting, but he's masking it well. That in itself is painful to watch. My heart aches for him,losing not only his best friend, but ex-lover right after I--whatever I am to him--am put in the hospital for a failed suicide attempt.God, I can't believe I never stopped to think about how everything has been effecting him.

Charlie agrees to call and come back for a visit some time and embraces Jace once more, then to my surprise, he comes over and gives me a tight hug as well, whispering in my ear words that made no sense, but that I didn't realize would make a lot of sense in the future. "There's a folded piece of paper hidden in his copy of 'Perks of being a wallflower'. It's his favourite. On the paper is a list. Only look for it when the time is right."

With that, he took his leave and I'm left puzzled and looking at Jace curiously, wondering what this list could possibly be. I want to go home and find it right away, but Charlie says I have to wait until the time is right. How will I know when the time is right? Is it going to be obvious? Does Charlie know something I don't? Does he know something is going to happen? I am so freaking confused.

"What did he say to you?"Jace asks, tilting his head and looking like an adorable puppy.

I have a gut feeling that Charlie doesn't want him to know of what Charlie shared with me, so I suck up the guilt and lie smoothly. "He just told me that I have to stick around from now on to take care of your lonely butt."

Jace smiles and comes over to hug me."Let's start with taking care of you and making sure you get better, yeah?"

I smile, burying my face in his warm chest and nod in agreement.

"That's a great idea," A voice says from the door, making us jump. "Sorry to scare you, I'm Doctor Harvey. How are you today, Kai?"

"I'm uh, alright considering,"I mumble, embarrassed that we've been caught being so intimate by a professional person.

"That's good. Any cramping or headaches?" She asks and I shake my head no. "Good, good.Now, we need to discuss where we go from here. I'm sure you're aware that we can't allow you to leave the hospital quite yet, as I'm putting you under suicide watch for at least the next week to make sure we don't make another mistake like this. So, you will be moved into the psychiatric ward of the hospital during your stay where you will be required to attend therapy sessions. They will start off as twice a day, in the morning and in the evening and as you progress,we will bring it down to once a day, then every other day and so on until I see that your condition has improved enough to discharge you."

My heart drops when I'm told that I won't be allowed to leave for at the very least a week. I already know that I'll be here longer than that. I have many problems that need attending to and I know that the issues are rooted too deep to be fixed in just a week. One look at Jace and I can tell he's thinking the same, because he smiles at me sadly and presses his lips to my forehead to comfort me.

"Okay, but Jace can visit whenever. Right?" I ask, upset that I won't be able to stay with him during my stay.

The doctor nods. "Yes, of course. In fact, after your first session with Dr. Moretti, he's welcome to join you in therapy if it makes you more comfortable. Remember, we're here to help you and whatever it is that will aid us in doing that, we will try."

I nod, feeling relieved that Jace will be able to be by my side through most of this. I can do this, I know I can. I am strong enough to get better, I have to be. For Jace, for my mom, for Zoe, for Rhys and Kyle, for Mr. Hughes, for Charlie even. But, most of all, I need to get better for me.

June 24, 2009

After I'm settled into my new room, I find myself being lead down the hall to some office-like room and asked to sit on the little brown love seat that is parallel to a desk and chair. The room is kind of dark, because of the dark wood furniture and drawn blinds. A painting on the wall catches my attention though and I find myself captivated. It depicts a city street on a rainy day seeing as the people hold umbrellas, but the whole thing is so abstract and colourful. It's beautiful.

"I love this one, you can't help but feel attracted to it," I jump at the sound of a male voice behind me.

I whip around and sigh when I see a man in a grey suit and a friendly face standing there, smiling at me.He's got a warm aura, something that makes you feel welcome. His dark brown hair is brushed back elegantly, like a professional, and his hazel eyes are looking at me like he is actually happy to be here speaking to me. Someone who actually takes pride in what he does. Huh, maybe this therapy thing won't be total bull after all.

"What feelings do you get when you look at this picture? What do you see?" He asks.

I turn back to the portrait and ponder for a moment. "It give me feeling of normalcy, being at ease. I see a casual day, people doing their shopping, friends bumping into each other, people helping each other escape the rain. I don't know,it just seems like a happy scene to me."

I turn back to the man and he is sitting at his desk, writing in a little notebook before looking backup at me and smiling at me. "That was excellent, Kailas. May I call you Kai for short? I want you to feel relaxed around me, so please,call me Erik."

"Yeah, call me Kai, please...Erik," I say, feeling awkward both because I hate my full first name and the fact that he knows why I'm in here is kind of embarrassing.

"Alright, cool. Can I ask some basic questions to get to know you?" He asks and I just nod along like a good patient.

"How old are you? Do you go to school? Any future plans maybe?"

I'm almost positive he's been told all my generic information, but I play along anyways. "I'm eighteen, in my last year of school, although being here I'm sure I'm going to have to repeat, and I don't really know about the future. Never gave it much thought before."

Erik nods and writes more in his little notebook before talking again. "We've spoken to your school, and they're going to send over your work and allow you to write the exams late. The wonders of a doctor's note. As for your future, is there anything you have any interest in doing? Any hobbies?"

This guy is good, flowing from question to question. I best be careful, I can tell he's the type who can easily get out your secrets. Then again, I'm not supposed to be keeping any anymore, I'm here to talk things out and get help. Ugh, this goes against everything I've ever done my whole life. I'm not good at the whole 'come out with the truth' thing. It's scary.

"I like books? I work at a bookstore. I don't know I like music too, I guess. I used to like making play lists for books I was reading... I don't know why I said that, it was pointless," I mumble in embarrassment.

"No, not pointless! It's good, it means you show interest in something. You could get into the publishing business or even writing, or maybe you'll be a radio DJ? A producer? Anything Kai, you can do anything, you just need to want to," Erik said, smiling beatifically at me.

I nod, taking in everything he tells me and even considering some of it. This guy has a point, I mean, I could really be anything I want, all I got to do is try. I like the idea of that, it makes me kind of excited.

"Tell me about your parents, Kai. Do you live with both? One? Either?" He questions.

I sigh and tear my gaze away from his and instead stare down at my lap. "Uh, I was living with my mom and step dad about two months ago, but I moved out after a fight with my step dad. My mom died from a drug overdose a week and a half after I left and my step dad took off. I don't know where he is."

"I'm terribly sorry. Where are you staying now?"

"That Jace guy who visits me a lot, I live with him and his grams. He took me in after..." I trail off, not realizing I'm about to admit I've attempted before.

"After what?" Erik pushes.

"After the last time I attempted on my life. The day I moved out I got drunk and went to some bridge. I called Jace and he heard how messed up I was and he came to get me. He had actually managed to talk me out of doing it, but I slipped and fell anyway. He got me out I guess and I woke up at his house. Been there ever since," I admit, biting my lip nervously.

I hate talking about this sort of stuff. don't want people looking at me like I'm broken. I'd rather nobody know and believe me to be just a normal kid. I need to keep reminding myself that doing this will help me achieve that. I will really be normal, not just acting like it or hiding behind some mask anymore.

"He sounds like a wonderful man, he must really care about you."

I nod grimly, "We were sort of dating just before I attempted this time."

"Not anymore?" He tilts his head curiously.

I look at him finally, feeling a lump in my throat that causes my voice to crack when I answer. "I'm scared to hurt him again. So, until I'm better, I'm not going to allow him closer where he'll only get hurt worse if I screw up again. I'm here for myself, but I'm also here for him."

Erik nods, smiling a little to himself as he writes my response and whatever else down.

"Alright, so you know why you're here. Why do you specifically want to get better, Kai?"

I think about it, and the answer comes pretty easily. "I want to be happy and I want to be happy with the people I love. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, including myself."

He accepts this and smiles at me, "That's a wonderful reason. What's your understanding of the nature of your problems?"

"I know I'm severely depressed and I understand basically all that comes with that. I understand that my anxiety is the root of a lot of my self-destructive behaviours..."

"Such as?" He encourages.

"Well, sometimes I get really anxious and I'll have deranged nightmares, so I don't let myself sleep to the point where I'm collapsing from exhaustion. I used to drink until I blacked out. I think I have an eating disorder, because I kind of obsess over my weight a bit. Uhm, I've never cut myself or anything-"

"Then may I ask why a doctor mentioned scarring on your legs and torso?" Erik asks, seeming personally reluctant to approach me with this topic.

"That's getting a bit personal...but, it wasn't me. I never deliberately injure myself if you must know." I say a little harsher than I mean to.

"Alright, I'm sorry. We'll save that and few other bigger things for our two hour session on Saturday. This wasn't a full session, I just wanted to meet you and ask you a few things to start off. I'd like you to come in tomorrow morning at 10:00 am for an hour session and again at 6:00 pm. It was nice meeting you, Kai. I look forward to working with you," Erik says, closing his notebook and smiling at me.

I give him a fake smile and nod before taking my leave. He isn't a bad guy, I rather like him, but I hate being pushed for information that I don't particularly like talking about. There are things I've buried for a reason, and I know this is supposed to help me, but I'm terrified to drag out old skeletons. The very thought is enough to send me into a panic attack, so I push the thoughts back and take deep breaths as I'm lead back to my room.

When I get back, Jace is sitting in a chair outside my room, patiently waiting for me. I can't help but grin when he stands and smiles at me, welcoming me into his arms.

"Hey, how'd the first session go?"He asks, kissing me on top of my head.

"Alright, I guess. Erik is nice, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to talk about some stuff. It's scary, Jace," I admit, burying my face in his chest and inhaling his sweet scent.

He leads me into my room and pulls me down onto my small bed to cuddle me for the remainder of the visiting hours, "I know, but it's going to help you. If you get it all out, they can help you and you can move on from everything and then begin rebuilding your life."

I nod, watching his hand play with mine until it stops and he twines our fingers together. My heartbeat quickens, my cheeks warming as I notice how perfectly they fit.

"I'm going to make sure you end up happy. That's a promise, Kai," Jace says, nuzzling my neck and making me laugh under my breath.

"You're already doing a pretty good job," I whisper.

He pulls me in closer and I can hear his heart pounding in his chest. I smile when I realize that my heart is pounding in time with his and I lift his hand to feel. Our eyes meet and I can see the tears building up in his eyes as he smiles at me with that beautiful crooked smile. "I can't answer yet, I'm just not ready, Jace. But, you should know that it only does this when I'm around you. I only feel this good when I'm around you. I hope that proves my feelings enough for now."

A tear slips down his cheek and I laugh softly when he slaps it away and shakes his head, snuggling into me again. "Ugh, you're turning me into a blubbering mess, Kai."

I chuckle and huddle closer to him,relishing in his warmth and the wonderful feeling of our bodies being pressed together. I know, deep down, that I truly love the man in my arms, but I just can't find it in me to say it yet. I'm scared that if I acknowledge it, something terrible will happen to pull us apart.Whether it be some unknown force or my own stupidity and problems. I will get better, and I will be better for the man I love. I will make things right and I will work until I deserve to call him mine. I'm not going to waste this second chance.

That's a promise, Jace.  

(A/N)

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~Shay <3