June 28, 2009

"Got a four?" Zoe asks.

I shake my head and smile at her, "Nope, go fish."

We've been sitting in my little room playing cards for a while, because honestly, what the hell else is there to do in a hospital? I'm quite content though, sitting between Jace's legs as he leans back in my little cot of a bed while Zoe is laying upside so her head is dangling off the edge and her legs are resting vertically along the wall. She's an odd one, I can't help but wonder how she's not getting dizzy from the blood rushing to her head. Girls defy logic, I swear it.

Her now boyfriend Zaq walks in moments later and I know they were a match made in heaven, because he doesn't even question her strange position or the fact that she's singing to herself. Instead, he hands me and Jace our hot chocolates he's gotten from the cafeteria and plops down on the end of the bed, resting a hand on her tummy and I find it kind of cute that she doesn't even mind him mindlessly tracing his fingers along her slim figure.They're so comfortable with each other, and it makes me yearn for a time when me and Jace are relaxed at home, able to be like that too. Normal. I have to keep reminding myself what it is I'm working for, striving for. Normalness; Happiness.

"So, your big session is at six, right? Any idea what this one will be like?" Zoe asks as she ponders over her cards.

I sigh and shrug, leaning back into Jace a little bit as he tightens his grip around my waist. "Throughout the week he's just been sticking to basics. How I'm feeling, what I think about, things that trigger me, what life was like back with my mom and step-dad, school life... I know he's saving the big stuff for today though and to be honest, I'm kind of terrified."

"It's going to be okay, Kai. He wouldn't bring it up if he didn't think it would help, you know that," Jace says, leaning forward to press a light kiss on my shoulder.

"What do you think he's going to ask you about?" Zaq asks, brows furrowing in confusion.

That's right, I guess Zaq doesn't really know about me at all or about my panic attacks. "He's probably going to ask what led to my suicidal tendencies, what started the eating issue and... probably my dad."

My voice shakes and I want to just kick myself for it. I haven't uttered that word in so long, It's like poison in my mouth and I feel a little sick. I close my eyes to calm the uneasiness, but it does little to calm my nerves. I really don't want to talk about him, really truly don't. Some things just aren't meant to be dug up from the past. Single flash backs send me into full blown panic attacks and have me nearly losing my mind. How am I supposed to have an entire conversation about that monster?

I take a deep shaky breath, "Jace...you'll still come, right?"

I sound so small, but I just can't help it. I'm scared, really truly scared.

"You couldn't keep me out even if you tried," he says with a small crooked smile, tickling my sides gently to make me giggle and squirm.

When I finally stop laughing and settle back comfortably into his arms, I look up in time to see Zoe and Zaq both look away from us, giving each other knowing smirks. What's that all about? I open my mouth to ask, but am interrupted by a small knock on the door to my room. We all look up and see little Grams standing there smiling at me warmly.

"Kai, oh it's so good to see you looking healthy! I'm sorry I haven't been able to visit since you woke up. How are you, pumpkin'?" She asks, coming over to take my face in her small hands to inspect me and fuss.

I smile warmly at the old woman and gently take her hands away from my face, "I'm alright, Grams. sorry if I scared you, or... yeah."

The next thing I know I'm being enveloped in the smallest, but warmest arms and then I'm taken completely off guard as she smacks me over the back of the head. "Now listen here you numpty! Don't you dare go doing something so reckless again, you hear me? I don't know what was going through your precious little head, but next time you're feeling like that you talk it out and let us help you. Losing you would hurt just as bad as losing my little Jacey, do you understand?"

I nod, feeling tears well up in my eyes, "Y-yes, Grams. I promise, I'll never scare you guys like that again, I'm going to get better. I'm so sorry."

She seems satisfied by what I've said as she smiles and gives me a light peck on the forehead before turning to Zoe and Zaq. "Let's get you two home."

Zoe rolls over and giggles as she has to be caught by Zaq so she won't fall off the bed, "Okay.Thanks Ms. Levett, my dad's really appreciate it! I needed to visit little Kai bear, but they're just so busy at work lately."

Grams brushes it off and assures my best friend that she doesn't mind helping her and her dad's out whenever they need, especially after all they've done for me. It warms me to the core knowing Grams really has taken me in and thinks of meas family now. It's kind of weird, feeling like you belong somewhere,like you're accepted and wanted. It's such a change from neglect and rejection from everyone else. Never have I been so glad that I chased that letter and fell into that stupid puddle for this beautiful, clumsy boy.

**

I lead Jace into Erik's office and smile when I see him captivated by the same painting that had caught my own attention when I had been in here for the first time on Tuesday.

"Ah, it's a popular painting that one," Erik says as he makes his entrance, causing Jace to jump and blush a little. "You're Jace I take it?"

He nods as we take our seat on the little couch across from Erik's desk. We watch the doctor flip through some files and pull out a familiar notebook from inside, clearly the journal he's been using to track my progress. I'm rather interested to see what he's written, but then again I have a feeling I also really don't want to know.

"I've heard a lot about you, it's an honour to finally meet the Jace," Erik offers him his hand to shake and Jace returns Erik's friendly smile. "Now, Kai. How are you feeling today? Any more nightmares?Any anxiety or...."

Or thoughts about offing myself. The rest of the sentence is pretty obvious.

I hesitate, noting that Jace is also looking at me intently now, and then I just shrug and sigh, "A little anxiety after I ate breakfast, but I kept it down. I had a nightmare last night, but no panic attack for once. I guess you could say I'm doing better than normal. I'm not planning on killing myself anytime soon if that's what you want to hear."

Jace's hands inches across the space between us to intertwine our fingers and gives me a gentle squeeze. I appreciate the support and instantly feel much more calm and at ease. That's right, Jace is here and he's trying to help me. I can do this.I can talk this out and get better. With one look into his beautiful blues, I know that I'm making the right choice by being here. This is for him, for both of us.

"That's good to hear. What was the dream about? Can you remember where it took place? Who was in it?"

I go to answer, but my breath hitches in my throat. If I tell the truth here, that will open up doors for him to ask so many more invasive questions about topics that I'm hoping and praying to avoid. What should I do? I know I need to speak, but I'm frozen, I'm scared. Oh god, my breathing is too fast. They're going to notice my panic soon and then I'm really going to have to explain.

Jace pulls his arm from mine so that he can wrap his arm around my shoulder as he hushes me and tells me to relax. While I try to slow my heart down and get my breathing back to a normal pace, I watch Erik's brow furrow as he scribbles something in his notebook. Shit, this is probably a drawback. I need to keep it together if I ever want to get out of here.

"I really think we should discuss this dream, Kai. Whatever it was is triggering you and might be a root cause of a lot of built up anxieties. If you tell me, we might be able to get somewhere," Erik tells me.

Buddy, you don't even know. This has done more than just add to my anxiety.

I take a deep breath and look to the ground, leaning into Jace to hide myself as much as I can. I'm not entirely sure why, but I'm suddenly overcome with shame and embarrassment. But, I open my mouth to answer anyway, speaking of something I swore I'd never tell a soul.

"I dreamt about my dad."

A moment of silence passes by and I can feel my heart thundering in my chest. What are they thinking? What are they imagining? Are they judging me? Do they think I'm pathetic.Probably, I kind of am. No, I need to stop with all this self-deprecation. Still though, why aren't they saying anything?

"Tell us about it," Jace whispers to me, looking at me with so much pain and sadness that I can tell he already knows that this isn't going to be a happy story.

"I-I was eight years old in the dream... and, he was yelling at me, calling me worthless and saying he wished that I'd never been born. He blamed me for my mom leaving him, he blamed me for why he was miserable, he blamed me for everything. I-I tried t-to apologize, but that just made him angrier and he--he..." I trail off, feeling tears drip down my cheeks, my breath quickening again, my arms wrapping around my lower stomach, thinking about the scar hidden beneath my clothing.

"It's alright, Kai. You're not there anymore. We're here to listen and help you, what did he do?" Erik pushes.

My heart is pounding so hard, my bodyshaking and vision blurring, but I somehow manage to open my mouthand spew the rest of the horrific story.

"Daddy, please! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to! Swear I didn't papa!" I wail, covering my face as he swings his arm to smack me, sending me flying backwards and skidding across the wood floor.

"Shut up, you fucking ingrate. You were my worst mistake, you disgust me! How could you do that to mommy and daddy Kailas! You stupid fuck!" He slurs in his drunken haze. "You were bad, kiddo. Bad kids deserve to be punished. You hear? You deserve to be punished and you won't say anything because you know you fucking deserve it, you disgusting piece of shit!"

I cry and scream and try to crawl away, but he grabs me by the ankle and twists me around so that I'm laying on my back, looking up at him with terror in my eyes. What's he going to do to me? I didn't mean to make him mad! I always tried to be so good, I don't even ask him for food no more!

I choke on a sob when he lifts my shirt and the evil smirk that rips across his face makes me whimper in fear. He looks thoughtful for a moment, and for a second I think that he's going to reconsider hurting me further, but then he pulls a lighter from his pocket and holds the flame over his ring.

In that instant, I realize what he plans to do and I don't think I've ever screamed so loud in my entire life. Not when he smacked me, kicked me, punched me. No, the fear that courses through my veins finally explodes from me as I scramble as desperately as possible, but I'm so small, and when I realize it's useless, I slump and give up. My eyes close and I resign myself to what is to come.

"See, he has this ring... it's a platinum ring with a pretty gold H embedded in it. It's the family ring that his dad gave him," I explain, but they both look confused as to why I'm talking about a ring.

"What does this ring have to do with what he did to you?" Erik asks, but I can already see the horror seeping into Jace's eyes as though he's already made an assumption.

I don't answer, I simply lean back and pull my shirt up to reveal an angry circular scar with a pretty H, all red, white and puckered on my hip. Jace's quick intake of breath has me self-conscious and remembering why I never wanted him to see this. Erik grimaces and signals for me to fix my shirt, which I do happily.

"Well, there. Now you know, happy?" I mutter, fighting back the choking feeling I have and the sting of fresh tears.

Jace pulls me close and wraps his arms around my waist, hugging me tightly and I feel a tear slip down my cheek as he glides one hand under my shirt enough to brush the scar in such a tender way, as though he's trying to tell me that it's okay, that he loves me despite it and I'm overwhelmed by the sudden love and adoration I feel for him in that moment.

"Abuse can often lead to feelings of unworthiness, and self-hatred. You need to realize that nothing that happened was your fault, that your father was sick and the things he said were said to purposely hurt you. Those bitter words were never true, Kailas. You know that right?" Erik, even though he's a pushy jerk who often stresses me out, sounds surprisingly soft and concerned.

I shrug.

"Kai, the only way to let go of the past is to accept it and come to terms with the truth. You did nothing wrong," He continues, but I suddenly feel annoyed and I'll admit, quite pissed.

"If you're trying to tell me that I should just tell myself that everything I went through from the time I was five to the time I was nine, happened because I was innocent, and then just forget about it like it was nothing, you're kidding yourself. You go through all the shit I've gone through and then let's see how well you let go of the past! " I spit."Obviously I did something wrong! Father's don't just turn on their kids like that! No, I was a fuck up and I've always been fuck up, alright? For years I heard nothing but insults! You're fat, you're worthless, you're pathetic, you're unwanted, you're shit, you're hideous, broken, nothing. I'm nothing, and the only reason I'm here is because I owe it to the one person who's ever made me feel like something! But, I'm sorry, I will not pretend none of it happened, and that I was some innocent victim, because that's impossible."

I'm trembling from the adrenaline, but soon realize that I shouldn't have snapped like that. I instantly regret it and feel kind of ashamed that I let him get under my skin like that, but when a slight smirk crawls onto Erik's face, it makes sense. He has pushed me into confessing, into snapping and letting it all out. It actually... feels good, too.

"Kai, I'm not telling you to forget it happened. I'm helping you start on the road to recovery by helping you realize that he was wrong, that you are more than the bitter words spewed by a bitter man. Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Erik explains, offering a tissue to Jace who is wiping a few escaped tears from his cheeks.

I open my mouth to say something, but close it quickly and nod. He's right, I know he is. I just don't know how I'm supposed to change my way of thinking. My father did a real good job of ingraining those thoughts and beliefs into my head. So much so that I still starve myself because I don't think I deserve food and because I'm just fat and disgusting anyways. Maybe that's wrong though, maybe Erik's right. It's time I stop giving him this control over me. He's been gone for years now, it's time I take control of my life again.

"Our times almost up... is there anything else you'd like to talk about today, Kai?" Erik asks gently.

"No, I'd rather continue tomorrow. I don't feel well," I admit, curling up closer to Jace, needing his comforting warmth.

Erik nods in understanding, "Alright, we'll end this for today then. This was good, Kai. You've opened up more than you have all week and I think we're actually getting somewhere. We'll have you happy and healthy in no time, I'm sure."

With that, Jace and I give him small smiles and bid him farewell before making our way out of his office and back towards my room. Jace tries to ask me a few questions, but I refuse to open my mouth or look at him until we are alone in the safety of my room. As soon as the door closes, I turn and face him and stare for a moment before my strong act crumbles and I fall into his arms, trembling and crying.

"God, Kai. I'm so sorry you went through all that. I am so sorry. You didn't deserve it, I promise. You are beautiful, and amazing, and perfect in every way. Okay?"Jace tells me earnestly, his voice trembling like he's trying to hold back his own emotions to stay strong for me.

I decide against arguing right now and just nod as I bury my face in his chest. I just want to be close to him, to feel him, have him hold me and love on me until the pain goes away. I've been so alone for so long, I ache for his loving embrace. That, is something of which he gives me graciously as he bends down and lifts me into his arms to bring me over to my bed. He leans against the wall with me curled up against him and I feel at peace again, like I always do when I'm with Jace.

I know I'm supposed to be pulling away until I'm ready for this sort of relationship with him, but I just can't do it. I need Jace's embrace to reassure me that everything is okay and give me the strength to keep fighting. Not to mention it damn near kills me every time he looks like a kicked puppy when I try and reject him.

"I swear to you, Kai, as long as I am with you, I will never let someone do those kinds of things to you ever again. I just... I can't believe someone could be so cruel. What happened to him? I mean, he's not still out there right?" Jace asks, sounding so sad and angry it makes my heart hurt.

I sigh and shake my head, "When he branded me, I screamed so loud that the neighbours heard and called the cops. He was caught, arrested and the truth came out. My mom was horrified, and after two court dates, my father was sent to prison. Twenty five to life."

He nods his head, but has nothing to say about the subject. What is there to say? It's over and the damage has been done. All I can do now is learn to live with it like Erik said. I can acknowledge that the pain and damage done exists, but I need to learn to not let it control my life anymore. It's in the past, I need to stop letting it effect my present and future.

We both jump at the sound of knocking and turn to see my morning and evening nurse, Joanne. I smile at her as she scurries in, being rather tiny and pushing a rather large trolley. I get up and help her guide it into the room.

"Sorry, hope I wasn't interrupting anything! But, it's time for your dinner and medication, Kai,"She says, smiling apologetically at Jace and I.

He shakes his head, "No, no. We were just chatting. Thanks for taking such good care of him by the way, I hate that I can't be here to do it."

I frown when I see the true sadness in Jace's eyes, "I won't be here forever. Besides, all I need from you is... well, you. So, stop looking so upset."

Jo, as I've come to call her, smiles at us and reveals my food and one of those little paper cups used for putting ketchup in--containing two pills. The food, however, actually looks good for once and nothing like the grotesque cafeteria food.Small portions of potatoes, grilled chicken, an assortment of carrots, beans and broccoli and a glass of apple juice on the side.

"This actually looks edible, wh-"

"I cooked it myself at home. Figured, if you have to start eating decent meals, then you might as well get something you'll enjoy," She says, slicing up the chicken for me and setting up a little table.

I feel kind of embarrassed being mothered, especially with Jace watching and smirking at me. I haven't felt so babied since... well, since I was a baby. I'm so accustomed to looking after myself, albeit I never did a good job, that it feels extremely awkward having someone do stuff for me.

"Th-thanks Jo... that was really sweet of you. You really didn't have to do that," I mumble,taking a bite of the vegetables and swallowing hard, ignoring the urge to puke it back up.

"Nonsense hun, I'll do it everyday if it gets you eating and healthy again," She says with a stern, but warm smile.

She's a mother, I can tell. Only a mother knows how to enforce things, but sound loving at the same time. I know this, because it's the same tone and look my mother gave me when it was just her and I. When she was loving on me constantly after discovering the horrors I faced with my father. A sharp pain hits my heart suddenly as I think of her. God, I miss her so much. I promised her though, I'd live my life to the fullest and I won't give in again. I'll live on for her and make memories for her.

I feel self-conscious eating in front of Jace and Jo, feeling them watch as I take in bite after bite. I stop when the plate is about half empty and take a deep breath,glancing towards the exit, wishing I could go to the bathroom, then my eyes shift back to the plate. I feel bloated and gross, but I know I'm underweight. They've told me. So... why don't I feel it? Why do I feel so fat after eating so little.

"Kai? Are you okay?" Jace asks, rubbing gentle circles between my shoulders.

I nod and look down at the plate. The veggies are gone and some of the potatoes, but hardly any meat. "I just... feel disgusting."

You don't deserve to eat this, Kai! You are pathetic and fat and disgusting you greedy ingrate!

I breathe in sharply at the sound of my father's voice in my head. No, no, no. This is why I hate bringing him up. Thoughts of him are infectious, they take over and he becomes the voice in my head. Every time I hear him, or imagine the way he'd loom over me, I feel like a small child again. Starving and hating myself; wishing I didn't exist.

A pair of arms wrap around my waist suddenly and I feel Jace's chin rest on my shoulder as his hand drifts under my shirt, brushing past my scar and finally landing on my stomach."You're beautiful, Kai. You're not disgusting in any way. You're gorgeous inside and out. Your body needs this to stay healthy... give it what it wants."

I turn and look at him, tears sparkling in both our eyes, but this time none fall. "I-I..."

I don't know how to respond and eventually just close my mouth, looking back down at my food, debating what I should do. My stomach growls and I feel Jace's hand rub it soothingly, but my mind is racing, telling me--no, more like screaming at me that I better not touch the food or I'll become the disgusting ingrate my father made me believe I was.

"He's gone, Kai. I'm here, and I love you. I want you to have this, and I want you to be happy and healthy. Its okay to eat," Jace whispers in my ear, his voice so gentle.

With a sigh, I shut my eyes and force myself to take a few more big bites, finishing my potatoes and half the chicken before I stop and tell Jo I'm full, which isn't a lie. My stomach is still unaccustomed to holding so much. She removes my plate and places it back on the trolley and hands me the pills with my juice, which I toss back--ignoring the flashback I get of swallowing all my anti-depressants.

"It's almost seven, but I'll let Jace stay for another hour. I know today's been rough. But, no more than that you two, okay?" Jo says, giving us her no-nonsense look and pointing a finger at us.

We smile and nod, watching as she makes her exit, shutting the door and leaving us alone in a suddenly awkward silence. I feel stupid for making a big deal out of eating, but at the same time, I'm really appreciative of what Jace did for me. If not for him, hell I wouldn't have been able to do anything I've done thus far. I wouldn't have finished my dinner, let alone keep it down. I wouldn't have attended therapy and talked about my dad, I wouldn't even be alive. Of that I have no doubt.

"I'm really proud of you. You've come so far and I'm so freaking proud of you," He tells me, taking his usual place, curled up behind me to cuddle me for our last hour.

I scoff quietly, "It's sad that I can't even eat normally without help. I'm pathetic, Jace."

He sits up and forces me to roll on my back and look up at him and I'm stunned to see the anger and frustration in his eyes. I don't think I've ever seen him really mad before, not even during the time I was ignoring him, or when we got in that argument outside the funeral home.

"Don't belittle your accomplishments just because they might be simple everyday things for someone else. Kai, you have a disorder that can kill you. The fact that you're fighting against that and the instincts telling you to starve, is not pathetic. It makes you strong, Kai. You're one of the strongest people I've ever met. I don't know anyone who could go through what you have and still keep fighting. So, don't ever speak so lowly of yourself, okay?" Jace says sternly, taking my face in his hands and pressing his forehead to mine, our shallow breaths mingling.

I look up into his eyes with so much love and adoration, trying to convey my feelings without words,"Okay... I'll work on it."

He smiles, accepting what I've said,and kisses me on the forehead before laying back down and pulling me close so my head rests comfortably on his chest. I hold him around the waist, intertwining our legs and let out a soft sigh, wishing I could sleep like this. I miss the warm nights in my bed, having him curled up close to me. The sound of his heartbeat and soft breathing--a natural lullaby--comforting me until I fall asleep.

"Can I ask a question?" He whispers after a while.

I mumble incoherently through my sleepy haze, not really a hundred percent awake.

Jace chuckles softly, running a hand through my hair, "Why do you act like you love me, but won't say it?"

I yawn, and I'm sure if I had been thinking straight, I would have lied. Through my sleep drunk haze though, I find the truth slipping out all too easily. "Because, I don't deserve you yet."

We slip into another long silence, but he eventually breaks that one, too.

"Zoe said Prom is tomorrow... I'm sorry you have to miss it."

I shrug and lift my head to look up at him, sleepy dirt-brown meeting sky-blue. "Oh yeah, I forgot. I'd been looking forward to it, too. Oh well, nothing I can do I guess."

This time we fall silent and stay that way. I think about the events of the day and even though it was hard and might seem like nothing to some people, I accomplished a lot today. I finally opened up about my dad and I managed to finish a full, hearty meal and keep it down. My negative thoughts were even minimal. I smile to myself, for the first time in a long time feeling proud of myself for something personal.

It's now, in this very moment, that I've finally realized that my life will never go back to how it was.Those days of pain, and loneliness and misery are behind me. I'm getting better and I've come to the conclusion that I had to hit rock bottom so I could know that I have nowhere to go but up.

And up I'll go. 

(A/N) 

Okay, first, I'd just like to say that I'm super happy with how this chapter turned out, I hit a lot of serious subjects, but this was a huge turning point for Kai and I hope I went about this right. It's rather personal for me, and mostly I'm writing from experience and such.

anyway, i love you my little munchkins!

Question of the day: Do you have any major fears or phobias? If so what?

~Shay <3