May 24, 2009 (Later that night)

I honestly don't know what to expect of Zoe's family, and while I'm nervously trying to prepare myself, my brain keeps fumbling around with thoughts of Jace and how he looked walking out of the book store. I hope I didn't hurt him. I probably did. Wouldn't be Kai Harkins if I didn't hurt everyone I care about.

"Kai?" Zoe asks, snapping me out of my self-hating thoughts.

I shake my head clear and look at her. "Yeah, sorry. What were you saying?"

"Just that my dads can be a bit... in your face. So, just be yourself and you'll fit right in--mostly," She says with a little laugh.

I smile at her and quickly drop my gaze to the ground, watching my feet shuffle along. I don't want to disappoint Zoe and ditch her, but at the same time, I really want to run back home and ask Jace a million and one questions. Hell, there's been so much tension between us the past couple days that I need to ask him if he's feeling as strange as I am. This can't be normal. It must be wrong. I'm bullied and beaten daily for being a "fag" or "queer" or "gay", whichever you prefer, I've been called them all.

"This is it," Zoe says, pulling me by the arm through the front door of a cute, little brick house with green shutters.

Inside is rather pretty and modern, yet it gives a sense of 'home' that not many houses truly possess. I am caught up looking at adorable photos of what must be little Zoe with her dads. She was even a cutie when she was little. Same pixie features, small frame, and big happy, brown eyes. I smile and point. "Awe, Zo you were adorable."

"Oh shush! Come on, my parents are in the den," She tells me as I follow her down the little hall and to the right where I am presented with a small room with two couches facing a TV mounted on the wall.

Zoe walks in and is instantly greeted with smiles and a kiss on the cheek from her dads. They're rather attractive men, I have to admit. One is taller with sandy blonde curls that fall into his light green eyes occasionally. His cheeks are sprinkled with faint freckles and his features are rather smooth and soft. The shorter man is similar to myself in looks. Dark, straight brown hair,dark eyes, and bit slimmer than the average male. However, his skin is rather pale and he has small pink lips that curve into a smile even when he isn't really smiling and his nose is sharper than mine.In all honesty, they're adorable together. Looking at them gives me a sort of longing feeling and I can't seem to understand why. Or maybe I do. I don't know anymore.

"So this is the boy we've been hearing so much about?" The blonde one says, looking over at me standing awkwardly in the door frame.

I nod and smile slightly, not really sure what to do.

"Well, don't just stand there silly, come sit!" The shorter one says to me with a welcoming gesture.

I make my way across the room, trying not to trip as I go, and take a seat next to Zoe. They introduce themselves to me. The blonde is Rhys (pronounced Reese), and the brunet is Kyle. It doesn't take me very long to warm up to them,they're very lovely people and not at all what I expected. Kyle and Rhys are nothing like the stereotypical gay television likes to portray. They are not really flamboyant, and don't talk about girly things or even dress feminine.They look and act like any other guy. The only thing that proves they're gay, is the way they hold each other and look into one another's eyes, and the kissing of course. I find them sweet and I like that they're so open about their relationship.

"So, tell us about yourself, Kai! You've heard us blab on enough about ourselves," Kyle says with a happy smile.

My heart pounds. I never like being asked about myself. Mostly because there's nothing good to tell.

"Uhm... well, I don't live at home at the moment--" I start.

"What? How come?" Zoe gasps suddenly, I forgot I haven't told her anything about my home life.

"Well, I wasn't very happy at home. I didn't really--uh--get along with my step-dad. So, I'm staying at my... friend Jace's house," My voice is very quiet and unsure.

"I'm sorry. That always sucks. Trust me, I know what it's like to have a shit time with parents. After I came out, my parents didn't handle it the best and we fought for a long while. I'm sure you'll smooth it out with them soon enough!" Rhys says brightly.

"Not likely. My mom died a few days ago and my step-dad took off to god knows where. Not to be rude, but could we change the subject?" I say harsher than I intend, refusing to look up from my hands.

Zoe scoots closer to me and wraps an arm over my shoulder, telling me that it's okay to not want to talk about it. She tells me to head upstairs to her room, first door on the right, and that she'll be right up with a movie to watch. As I ascend the stairs, I stop and listen to what she's saying to her dads.

"I like him! Can't blame the poor kid for being angry, being through so much at once," Kyle says.

"Of course, but I don't know how I feel about you being alone in your room with him, Zoe," Rhys says warily. "We barely know him."

Zoe giggles and I can almost tell she's shaking her head. "Dad, relax... I really don't think you have anything to worry about."

What does she mean? How can she know if I like her or not, or if I plan to make a move on her? I am fully capable of making a move and wanting to make out with a girl in her bedroom. Not that I do. I'm just saying, I... I can.

Images of a crooked smile and sky blue eyes take over my thoughts and I feel a fluttery sensation as I imagine kissing that pink smirk off that face. Wait. What the hell am I thinking? Stop. I'm with Zoe, I should be thinking about how I'll be alone with her in her room and I should be conflicted with whether or not to make a move on her. What the hell is up with me? Why can't I just forget about Jace and try liking and being with Zoe?

In her room, I see it's full of super girly things. This girl is a die hard for beauty products and pretty things. The room is very modern and feminine. The bed is a white frame with a lavender duvet with a white floral design. She has little plushies and pictures everywhere. Pictures of her and friends from the past, all of which she looks rather uncomfortable in. The others, where she seems brighter and happier, are with her dads on outings or vacations. They are such a happy family. I can't help but feel a little envious.

"We're in Jamaica there. It was pretty fun, "Zoe says from behind, making me jump and whip around.

She giggles and rolls her eyes at me."Relax! It's just me. But, look what I have mr. jumpy!"

I roll my eyes at the stupid nickname and look at the dvd case in her hand. She picked out Dirty Dancing. The ultimate chick flick and most amazing dance film ever. I think my jaw drops and my eyes bug out of my head, because she bursts out laughing and hurries past me to put it into the dvd player. Together we make a nest of pillows and lay on our stomachs on her bed, digging into the popcorn she brought up, giggling like school girls over the movie.

"I love the dancing in this! I wish I could do it, but my dancing instructor only teaches ballet,"She says with a sigh.

"If I could dance like Patrick Swayze, I would be twice as irresistible," I say with a smirk.

That earns me a good punch to the arm that sends me tumbling off the edge of the bed with a loud thump.

"Hey!"

"Well, Mr. irresistible, while you're up, get some more popcorn!" She says with an identical smirk, handing me the empty bowl.

I scowl at her, taking the stupid bowl and trudging out of the room in defeat. That girl is tiny and cute, but she fights dirty and isn't as weak as she looks. So, grudgingly, I make my way back downstairs and into the little kitchen. However, just as I'm walking in, I get a good view of Rhys holding Kyle against the counter kissing him sweetly. I should probably say something, but I'm somewhat transfixed and can't seem to tear my eyes away. Seeing the way Rhys runs his hand along Kyle's shoulders, up to his neck before running them down his chest and laying small kisses along the smaller's neck and jaw. I realize how badly I crave that.They are so perfect and in love and it breaks my heart that I don't have that. The only question is, who do I want to have that with? Do I want affection in general? Or... affection from another guy?

I decide I should announce my arrival and stop being a damn creep, so I clear my throat and act like I hadn't just been there watching them make out and daydreaming about how it might feel to have someone touch me so passionately.

"Oh! Kai, I'm so sorry. We thought you were upstairs!" Rhys exclaims, turning redder than a tomato.

I smile and shake my head. "It's alright, I've walked in on worse. It's sweet... you know? What you have."

Did I just say that? Me? Mr. can't tell anyone what he thinks properly without sounding like a total moron.

Kyle smiles at me and shrugs, "I guess so, yeah. How's it going upstairs?"

I rolls my eyes and sigh, causing them to laugh and nod in agreement.

"She's making me watch dirty dancing with her," I tell them as I get out the popcorn kernels and pour them into the popcorn maker.

"Making? Kyle, didn't you hear a male voice singing along up there?" Rhys asks with a playful smirk.

I turn bright red when Kyle nods. "Indeed I did! In fact, he knew the words pretty well for someone who is acting like he doesn't like it."

"Whatever," I mumble, staring intently at the popcorn maker, avoiding their smug smirks.

I go into another sort of daze and I wonder what Jace is doing right now. Is he thinking about me, too? Is he eating dinner alone with grams? Is he watching movies--no, probably playing video games. I bet sonic. I wish I was there to play with him. Then, maybe we'd mess around again and then... and then...

I think back to that night, just before I got the devastating phone call. Jace and I were playing with the pillows, wrestling around and having a lot of fun. At one point we had lost the pillows and suddenly we were in the most awkward position ever. I was on my back, arms pinned above my head by his hands as he straddled me. I can't lie and say I didn't sort of like it when it was happening, but now it just left me very confused. Do I honestly have feelings for Jace? Am I crushing on my... roommate?Friend? Whatever he is to me.

If my phone hadn't rung, what might have happened? I swear I saw Jace look down at my lips. Was he thinking about kissing me back then? On second thought, how stupid do I have to be? The better question, is why the hell would he want to kiss me? I am not attractive, not smart, not good at anything romantic. Kissing? Yeah, I'd probably mess it up. I'm almost glad he didn't kiss me, I'm scared I'd ruin it. I sigh loudly before realizing that Rhys and Kyle are still chatting in the kitchen behind me.

"What's up, kid?" Kyle asked, resting a hand on my shoulder.

"Uhm... can I ask you guys a serious question? For--uh--a friend?" I stutter.

They share a look before nodding and motioning for me to ask away.

"How did you guys know... I mean, when did you figure out you were... well, you know... Gay?" I can feel my face burning in embarrassment, instantly regretting asking.

Both of their faces soften and I don't know what it's supposed to mean. Did they figure me out already? Do they already know why I'm asking?

"Well, for me I felt like I always knew. I saw girls as pretty of course, but I only felt real attraction towards boys, always have," Kyle tells me, shrugging like it's no big deal.

"I had the harder time with it. I denied it for quite a long time because my parents were rather judgemental and I really wasn't sure how they'd handle it. I also wasn't sure if I liked that about myself. But, you know, Kai. The heart wants what the heart wants. It's impossible to deny it. If you're going to love girls, you're going to love girls. If you're going to love boys, you're going to love boys, simple as that,"Rhys says, looking down at his feet smiling as he thinks about it.

"Okay... but, I mean, when did you really figure it out and accept it? When did you stop wondering and actually know?" I push.

"When I met Kyle. I saw him and my heart demanded that I love that boy. It was still a little shaky in the beginning, but after Kyle bravely kissed me first, I just sort of knew and all my doubts were gone," He says, giving Kyle a warm, loving smile.

The shorter man leans up and gives him a light peck before turning and pouring himself some tea. I think about what they've said. Maybe I just need to actually experiment with this. I won't know until I've figured out which gender I prefer being with. Since I've been with neither at all, how can I possibly know which I would rather be with?

"Th-thank you," I say, filling the bowl with popcorn and turning to leave.

"Oh, and Kai?" Kyle says, making me turn to look at him. "Tell your friend it's okay."

I'm unsure how to respond, so I just bite my lip and nod before quickly turning and dashing up the stairs.My face must be bright red because I am beyond humiliated. I like Kyle and Rhys, they make me feel like it's okay to have these feelings, like it's perfectly normal. Maybe, it really is. Perhaps,there's nothing actually wrong with me, and the real problem is just society and the homophobic assholes. If it turns out that I do...like boys, then maybe it won't be so bad. Kyle and Rhys turned out alright and they look happy, so why can't that happen for me? It's possible, right?

**

After the credits begin rolling, I rollover on my back and sigh, staring up at Zoe's ceiling. She joins me seconds later and even though we are in absolute silence, it's comfortable. That's why I enjoy being around Zoe, she makes me feel relaxed and lets me chill out and slip away from all my confusing and sad thoughts. Jace does too, but because of the weird feelings getting in the way, it's hard to be relaxed.

"Can I ask you something?"She whispers.

"Sure," I whisper back.

"You live with Jace, right? That guy who came into the bookshop today? What's the deal with you two?"

'That's what I'd like to know!' Ithink.

Instead I make light of it, "Why are you asking? Jealous?"

She playfully slaps my chest with the back of her arm, not really doing much more than lazily flopping it down on me. I smirk and roll my eyes. Suddenly, she's rolled on her side and is leaning close to me.

"If you guys are nothing... kiss me," She says quietly, narrowing her eyes at me as if daring me to make the move.

She could probably hear me gulp. My body shakes with nerves and I don't know what to do. Should I kiss her? Do I want to kiss her? What about Jace? What about Jace? Why does that even play a part in whether or not I kiss Zoe? This is so damn frustrating I want to just cry and block out the world. But, I can't, because a beautiful girl is waiting for me to do something right now.

Slowly, I close my eyes, take in a deep breath and begin leaning in. My nerves create knots in my stomach the closer I get and I can literally feel my lips trembling. What am I doing? I don't want to kiss Zoe. She's my friend and that's all she'll ever be. Get used to it, Kai. I need to stop pretending that these feelings are nothing and just face them. I instantly pull back and, instead of the hurt I expect to see on Zoe's face, I see a smile.

"I... can't kiss you, I'm sorry," I mumble, inching away from her a bit.

She doesn't lose the smile and nods. "I knew you wouldn't kiss me. I just figured I should give you the chance to find out for yourself."

"You knew? You already knew that I'm... how?" I ask, brows knit together in confusion.

"At first it was just a feeling, especially with how you always avoided questions about sexuality. Then... I saw how you looked at Jace... and how he looked at you,"She says, standing up and opening her arms for me to give her a hug.

I slide off the bed and fling myself into her arms, squeezing her tight and spinning her around slightly."Thank you Zo, you're literally the best friend a guy could ask for. I need to go... I-I need to talk to Jace!"

I'm already hurrying out the door and I hear her giggle in her room and mumble something about me being a goof, but then I'm crossing her house, wanting to hurry back to Jace as soon as possible. I want to tell him what I've finally come to terms with. I want to tell him that I've finally accepted that I like boys, that I'm... I'm gay. I want to ask him about my weird feelings for him and ask if he feels them too. I want to ask him a million things and more than that? I want to throw my arms around him and kiss him, just because I can. I can finally let myself be happy and love who I truly want.

"Where you off to in a hurry?"I hear Rhys say from behind me.

I whip around and him and Kyle are standing in the hallway, smiling at me. Their knowing looks make me smile widely and I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. "I have someone I need to talk to. My heart is demanding something and I think for once I'm going to give it what it wants."

Their smiles turn into full on grins and I quickly wave goodbye and turn to run out the door. My feet are pounding against the damp pavement, the sound of light splashes fill the silence when I hit a puddle. The air is moist after the rain, and is making my hair curl a bit, but I don't care. I have somewhere I want to be and someone I really need to talk to. My heart is beating hard against my chest, almost in rhythm with the pounding of the soles of my shoes as I run home. My lungs are burning, but I just don't care. For the first time in so long, I feel a good nervous. I'm beyond excited and even though I know this could go down hill and he could take the news horribly, I am still excited and just push all negativity aside.

Jace.

I push myself faster the second I see his house, which has also become my home and safe place, and I swear I leap all five steps onto the front porch and dart through the front door. I just want to see his beautiful pale face, with that sweet crooked grin that he always gives me. Most of all though, I wish to see those sparkling blues look at me with that strange warmth that makes me feel both self-conscious and amazing all at once.

"Jace!?" I call.

"In here!" I hear him giggle, but there's a voice giggling along with him.

I slowly walk into the little living room and see Jace laying on the couch playing video games, legs draped over some attractive guys lap. Who the hell is this guy? He's a bit taller than myself, but he has big, dark brown eyes, and a paler complexion than mine--better, too. His face is cuter than mine, and has a happier appearance, whereas I am constantly looking mad or upset. His thick brown locks sweep across his brow in a better way than my messy strands do. In my opinion, he looks like an older, better-looking version of me. I hate him.

"Who's this?" I ask, voice hardly audible.

"Oh! Kai, this is my friend, Charlie. Charlie, this is... Kai," He says, voice hardening when he says my name.

I flinch at the subtle anger in his voice and feel a lump in my throat that I'm beginning to associate with needing to cry. He's angry with me. Is this because of how I introduced him to Zoe? I didn't say it like that to hurt him. I just... I just didn't know what to call him then.

"Yeah, friend," Charlie says suggestively, poking Jace in the side and making him laugh.

All thoughts of talking to Jace are gone. My heart feels like it's been ripped out, torn in half and shoved back into my chest. I'm too late. Or all those mixed signals were just me misreading his kindness. I don't know! I don't know what to think. I feel the lump rise and soon tears are welling up in my eyes. I am such an idiot, to think that someone as beautiful and incredible as Jace Everett could ever care about me like that. Soon the tears escape and I don't bother trying to stop them.

I meet Jace's gaze once more when he looks back at me and his smirk instantly drops and I see worry fill his eyes. I don't care to find out why the sudden change of heart.I'm hurt and I don't feel like watching him cuddle up to Charlie. I force myself to tear my eyes away from his and quickly run up the stairs and into my room, making sure to lock the door. I hear him yell after me, and run up the stairs. He knocks on the door and tries to open it, but I refuse to let him in. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone. I just want to stop feeling. All these feelings and emotions are killing me lately. After years of forcing myself into a state of numbness, all of this at once hurts. It hurts bad.

"Kai, what's wrong? Open the door! Please?" Jace begs.

"Fuck you! Stop acting like you give a damn when you clearly don't. Just stop! Okay!? Go back to your boyfriend and just leave me the hell alone!" I yell before turning to silence my held back sobs with a pillow.

It's like all the emotions I've been holding in all these years are demanding to be released. All the pain and suffering and loss and heartache and loneliness and sorrow, all of it just pours out in this one moment.

"Kai... Please, let me in. We need to talk," He says sadly, and I hear him rest his head against the door.

"No, we don't. There's nothing to talk about anymore. Just leave," I manage to get out.

He does eventually, returning downstairs to Charlie. Of course he left, why would he try harder? I'm not worth it. All of this has been an act. I'm just some stray he picked up and took care of because he felt bad for me. He doesn't really care, he just feels too guilty to throw me out and say be gone.

I was such a fool to think that I could end up happy. People like me don't get happy endings. We scrape by and survive. We hurt and we hurt and we live with that hurt until we eventually die. That's just how it is and maybe I should stop hoping for something better, because the hurt is only intensifying with every dream that gets crushed, and every hope that ends in disappointment. I just want to feel numb again. To go back to when I knew how to bottle it up and just not feel.

I think back to that rainy day, when I first met Jace.

"I should have just killed myself."