September 2, 2009

It's been sixteen days since Jace began chemotherapy. To say it's been a rough couple weeks is putting it lightly. The doctors say that he'll have to continue the course of treatment for at least the next three months depending on how well his body takes to it. And how the tumour reacts to the therapy. He has to return to the hospital every three weeks for about three to four days of treatment. When he isn't at the hospital for treatment or continuous examinations and check-ups, he's at home exhausted and having to take tablets as an extension of the therapy.

Due to the tumour being directly on his right lung, they don't want to resort to surgery if they don't have to. Being at a lower stage, they hope that the combined chemo therapy treatments will be enough to kill the cancerous cells or at least return him to remission.

As you may assume, Jace's body has been affected harshly by the chemicals being pumped into his body. His beautiful black locks have mostly gone, his skin has lost any colour it had, he's often fatigued and his body can't handle much strenuous activity. He had walked to pick me up from work one day (even though I warned him not to) and nearly had another severe fit. He ended up having to be on bed rest for the next day and a half.

Jace's stubborn behaviour is worrying the hell out of me and I just wish he'd listen and stop trying to act like he's okay. His pride is getting in the way of him healing and it's putting a lot of strain on our relationship because I keep scolding him for pushing himself too hard and then he scolds me for treating him like a helpless child.

I sigh out loud as I turn to look out the car window, causing the radio to be turned down and another sigh to follow mine, "What's up, Kai? Come on, we've been driving around for an hour and you haven't said a word."

I don't say anything for a couple moments, but then turn to Jared and shake my head sadly, "I just don't know what to do for him. He's miserable and when I try to care for him, he gets frustrated with me. If I let him do what he wants though, he's just going to hurt himself! He is hurting himself."

"Kai, you need to see this from his point of view. He's used to being the strong one, the one people look up to for help. He hates receiving pity and being looked down on. Why do you think he wanted to get away from his parents so bad?He doesn't like being told to sit back and let others do things for him. He needs to work through this on his own, and all you can do is stand by him and support him," Leah says from the back seat.

She had been released from the hospital three days ago and I'm proud to say she's doing quite good. She hasn't had a single incident since the time I caught her in the bathroom over a month ago. Living with Zoe has done wonders for her as well. Rhys and Kyle have practically taken her in as their own and being around them will be great for her. I know this from experience.Not to mention, I love seeing my two best girlfriends becoming so close. Zoe even mentioned Zaq setting Leah up with his cousin Tess.

"I know... but, what if he pushes himself too far? He looked out for me the whole time I was working through my depression, he helped me quit drinking, eat properly,sleep better. He helped me get through everything and now that he needs help, I feel so confused as to what the hell I'm supposed to do! I mean, he made it look so easy, but caring for someone who doesn't realize he needs help isn't easy! I feel helpless and I hate it," I confess, leaning back to look at Leah in the rear view mirror.

"Kai, I don't know why on earth you ask for advice when all you do is argue against it, " She sighs. "Just do what charlie said. Do what you can and hope for the best. He's done it before, clearly he knew what you'd face, so that's just what you're going to have to accept and do. You can't have the answer for everything. Some things just aren't able to be fixed. You just have to deal with it."

I sigh again, returning to look out the window. She's right. Of course she is. Everyone is right, I just don't want to believe that there's nothing I can do. He did everything in his power for me, and here I am, feeling like I'm just making everything worse. Who knows, maybe I'm not and that's just my insecurities speaking, but it still hurts to think this way.

"Let's let shit go for today and try to make it a good one. Does Zoe still have Jace distracted?"Jared asks.

I nod and look down at my text messages on my phone, "Yup. She got grams to take him and Zaq on an errand run and said they should be out for about another hour."

"Perfect," Leah says, smiling at me eagerly.

When we get done setting up Zoe's backyard I actually feel proud of how good we've made it look. A large screen is tied between two trees with an electric projector pointed towards it that Kyle has borrowed from work. In front of the screen area is a mass of blankets and pillows and there are fairy lights strung along here and there to give a soft lighting. Along one side of the nest of blankets is a table full of treats and drinks and all I can think is to run up to my best friend and hug her fiercely while thanking her over and over again for going all out.

"Zo, it's perfect," I gush. "He's going to love it."

She smiles and nods at her good work before running over and hugging Jared and Leah. Zoe somehow has stopped hating Jared and I'm glad he's trying so hard to fit in with my friends. Knowing what we know about each other now, we've managed to somehow create some sort of friendship. If not, at least a mutual respect for one another.

A little while later we hear a car pull up out front and soon I see my still beautiful-as-ever boyfriend coming into the back yard with confusion written all over his lovely face, and then I start to laugh at the shock and excitement sparkling in his eyes. He looks like a child when he does that and I love seeing it.

"Kai?" He whispers, having Zaq nearby while he walks over to me.

I take him into my arms, hating how frail he feels, but loving the fact I can feel is living, breathing existence right in my arms is soothing, "Number thirteen. Have a child-like sleepover with a Disney marathon."

We settle in and during the movies, I find myself more captivated by Jace's everlasting beauty, watching the way his eyes light up when he laughs, the quirk in his lips when he says something sarcastic, the way he scrunches his nose with a little smile when he catches on to the innuendos. I find the longer I'm with him, the more I find to love about him and the more I come to realize that there is no way I could ever live without him again.He is essential. Jace is... next to me in my life.

I close my eyes and curl up against him as I enjoy this brief happy moment, taking what I can before the bad days return. If we have to live in the small moments between the all the shit, that is what we will do. Whatever it is we have to do,we'll do it. He's worth it. He's worth more than he knows. Jace is something to be valued and cherished, because people like him just don't exist anymore.

**

October 19, 2009

"Charlie... I'm getting scared.The doctor's seem to believe in this treatment, but Jace is just getting worse. He's always sick, he's weak, he's tired, his mood swings are worse. I don't know what to do for him more than half the time. How the hell do I help him? How did you even manage this for as long as you did? I feel like I'm just fucking everything up," I ramble through yet another breakdown.

Jace is staying a couple nights in the hospital and he refused to let me spend another weekend sleeping in those chairs. I know he's trying to look out for me, but he got so angry, I didn't know how to respond and just kissed him before fleeing the room to go for an unscheduled appointment with Erik. I've been visiting him more often lately.

My depression isn't as severe as it used to be, not even close, but I haven't completely healed obviously. The worst problem I have is my anxiety. Not to mention I'm constantly plagued by these horrid panic attacks which usually come on when something happens to Jace, or Jace is upset with me, or I am upset with Jace. Zoe and Leah have expressed their concern and Zoe's dad's have asked if I want to stay at their's for a few nights to get some alone time to think and let the girls visit with Jace, but I can't bare to leave his side for that long. I feel like if I turn away for too long, he'll be gone before I return.

"Kai... you're doing good. Better than I did even. Jace may not be showing it properly, which is understandable, but we both know how much he appreciates and loves you," Charlie reasons.

I nod, biting my lip and wiping at my tired, puffy eyes, "I know you're not going to want to say yes to what I'm about to ask you... but, will you help me with something?"

It's silent for a few moments and when I hear the familiar sigh that I'm aware means he's giving in, I actually manage a smile, "Because, you see... I have this idea."

October 31, 2009

The door bells rings and I can barely suppress my giggles as Jace approaches the door to answer it. I listen from inside the den we've created out of the living room and burst out laughing when I hear the girls 'rawr' at my sure-to-be shocked lover.

"Er, Kai!?"

I waltz into the foyer and burst out laughing at my friends. Zoe is dressed up as Princess bubblegum and Leah is dressed up as Marceline from adventure time. At the moment,Zoe has her leg hiked up around Leah's waist, wiggling her eyebrows at Jace and I. These two kill me. It makes me so happy that they both finally found a good friend in each other.

"Happy Halloween ladies! Where's Zaq?" I ask Zo.

She rolls her eyes, "He thinks he's too cool, so I left him to handle candy with my dad's and took this lovely lady as my date instead! We all know bubbles and Marcy have a thing for each other anyway, it was clearly meant to be!"

Leah rolls her eyes and laugh, "Isn't the stereotype supposed to be the gay one comes on to the straight one, not the other way around?"

Zoe just smiles and pokes her in thecheek, "Stereotypes schmereotypes! If I say you're my boo, you're my boo! Got it, Boo?"

Leah just looks at me pleadingly and I shake my head with another laugh and pull a confused Jace away and up the stairs, telling them to let themselves in while we get ready.

*

After ten minutes of explaining to Jace what we're doing and twenty minutes of getting ready, we finally comes downstairs. I have to thank Zoe for getting the costumes for me. We're going as Light and L from death note and Jace looks way too sexy as L. Zoe literally has to shove me out the door so I'm not tempted to forget the whole plan and bring him upstairs. It's been two weeks since he's wanted to do anything and I'm fine with it,I just miss it at times... like when he looks like a really sexy anime character.

Grams drops us off at our destination and I let her know to pick us up in about two hours before taking Jace's hand and leading him into the building. Erik mentioned to me that his sister hosts a scare fest or better known as a 'haunted house' every year at their parents big old house. I needed an excuse to let Jace dress up, because it was something on his bucket list and I promised we'd do absolutely everything.

His eyes are sparkling at the horrifying decor, while I'm sort of trembling like a little bitch.Yeah, not the smartest plan I've ever had. I don't handle scary things all that well. Scary movies? Great! Scary costumes? Cool. Put me in a situation where I'm the prey to the horror? Not-oh-fucking-kay. Oh, Jacen, the things I do to make you happy.

I walk up to who I assume is Erik's sister and pay for all four of us and soon we are ushered through the foyer and it goes pitch black. A gasp escapes all of us, the girliest I am sad to say, is my own. Jace grabs my hand tightly, rubbing his thumb over it soothingly. He's so sweet and considerate and I just want to kiss him.

However, it is at that exact moment that a huge slamming sound comes from what seems like the living room, causing us to jump and sprint into the kitchen to the right.I'm shaking and coming to a halt when I see the scene playing out before my very eyes. There's a gruesome butcher cutting up and cooking limbs and a woman tied up and screaming from behind a mouth gag in the kitchen chair.

I gasp and grab Jace and Leah who are closest and run for the other room, even if the banging came from there, it can't be as bad as the kitchen scene. It's all fake, it's all fake! I keep reminding myself.

In the living room, I am not prepared to see what looks like a freaking satanic ritual and in the centre is a bloody effing goat! What the freaking hell is this!? I let out apathetic whine and grab the first hand I can find and run back the way I came, but a horrifying creature person is standing by the door,so my first instinct is to dash up the stairs, gasping for breath because holy crap I am out of shape.

I look around and see that I still have Jace by the hand, but Zoe and Leah are nowhere in sight.

"Where are the girls?" I ask, voice noticeably shaky.

Jace looks around bewildered, "I have no idea. I was so worried about keeping up with you I didn't see where they went. Come on, maybe they ran up here before us while you were having a meltdown in the living room."

I roll my eyes and nod as we decide to split up, against my natural instincts, but I go along with it because I don't want to seem like a complete baby about this. So, I give Jace a quick peck on the cheek and hurry into a room that actually has a light on. It's an eerie green one albeit, but a light none the less. No way am I stumbling around aimlessly for a light switch in this hellhole.

The second I open the door and walk in, I know I've made a mistake. In the corner, standing beneath the flickering green fluorescents is the most demonic, evil looking clown you can imagine. His back is facing me, but suddenly a strobe light flashes on and the way he turns around and grins at me looks too inhuman and suddenly there is a violent scream roaring from my lungs and I am diving into the bedrooms walk in closet and shoving myself as far back as I can go, hugging my knees close and praying he doesn't come after me. I may or may not have a slight phobia of clowns.

I hear footsteps creaking across the floor and I just keep hoping it stops and goes away or that he somehow magically didn't see me jump in here. Please don't find me. Please don't find me. Please don't find me.

I whimper and scoot back further at the sound of the closet door opening and closing and only relax a bit at the sound of a soft, familiar voice, "Babe? Are you okay?"

My eyes meet his and I instantly feel a sense of deja vu wash over me as I whisper, "I-I'm cold."

Jace seems to know what I need without explanation as usual, because with a sad smile, he bends down to sit next tome before pulling me into the warm comfort of his arms. I sigh as I rest my head just below his chin, feeling myself relax almost instantly. This is such a lovely, familiar feeling.

"We have a thing for closets, huh?"

That makes us both chuckle halfheartedly for a moment.

We're quiet for some time after that before he whispers in my ear, "I've really hurt you lately, haven't I?"

I snuggle even closer if that's possible before lifting my face so I can look at him directly and firmly, "Somewhat, but I understand it. I'm not angry, and I'm not holding it against you. I promised you I'd stick by you through the good and the bad days. I can't expect to never get hurt, it's inevitable. Just like you couldn't expect not to get hurt when you cared for me those months ago."

The look of astonishment soon fades to one of love and gratitude as he smiles that wonderfully crooked smile of his and pulls me close to capture my lips with his own. My arms snake up along his shoulders and clasp behind his neck to pull him impossibly close as I greedily take what he has to offer, missing the affection only he can give me.

A flash brings us both out of our moment, dazed and breathless, just to look up and see Zoe and Leah standing there with smug grins. A camera in hand.

"Did you just--Did you take a picture of us?" I ask in confusion, mind still swirling from the wonderful kiss I'd just received, as Jace chuckles at my dazed state.

Zoe actually blushes and chuckles sheepishly, "It's not often you see your anime otp kiss like that... and you guys looked so cute. It was a Kodak moment, okay!?"

Leah laughs and winks at me before dragging a protesting Zoe out and shutting the closet door once more. Jace takes my being distracted as an opportunity to sneak a couple soft kisses along my exposed neck, and up to my jaw, making me shiver in delight. His lips are so soft and tender and I just love how gentle his every move is. There are no motives behind his actions, just pure affection that I happily accept.

He pulls back suddenly, but I can see tears sparkling in his eyes, "I wish you would see that you should be off living a normal, healthy life. Not being dragged down and having to care for your sickly boyfriend. I'm not worth wasting precious years on, Kai. I love you, but sometimes I wish you'd give up on-"

"-Shut up and see that you're perfect and worth it to me," I say sternly, crushing my lips to passionately.

Please.

I'm begging you.

December 16, 2009

There was once a time when I saw everything as black and white. You either were, or you weren't. You did, or you didn't. You survived, or you died. As time passes by,I've come to the realization that life is more complex than that,humans are more complex than that. There are infinite shades of grey in between these seemingly limited options.

Jace, who once seemed to be the epitome of happiness, light, and life--is also the exact opposite. He is complex and not as easy to understand as I once believed. He is sweet and warm and open, but also harsh and cold and closed off at times.He can bring me to my highest highs and my lowest lows and everything in between. I can't pin point Jace and it's only now that I am beginning to see the many different shades of the man I've come to love so deeply. The entire spectrum that is his personality, and the multitude of shades of the love we share.

November is not a month I care to think about. So, in short I will say that it was hell. Jace was miserable, I was miserable. Jace was in pain, I was in pain seeing him in pain. We fought a lot. He was sick and irritable, and I was sensitive and overwhelmed. I tried so hard to be there and then I also tried giving him space. He tried to hurt me to make me leave him, then he pulled me back and begged me to never go. A constant push and pull.

Our love has been under a lot of strain, but not once has it faltered. I may not have known what I was signing myself up for when I promised to never leave him, but I did know how I felt about him and I never lost sight of the fact that the only future I want is one with him. If weathering through these terrible times is what we need to do to make it happen, I will do that and so much more.

Yesterday, Jace received his last chemo treatment until the new year and after a private word with his team of doctor's, I have everything set up and prepared for the  surprise for him. He needs this. We both do. Hopefully his spirit lifts a little now that the holiday's are upon us. I hope he loves his gift, I truly, truly do.

"So, my parents asked me and Jared if we would come home for Christmas..." Leah says, trailing off sadly.

I stop in my tracks and look at her. We've just left group therapy, Erik deeming us ready back in November,and I'm honestly shocked by this news. Leah and Jared's parents had pretty much disappeared after the time I had it out with them at the hospital back in... what? July? Yeah. So to hear now, a little over four months later, that they are maybe ready to make amends is shocking.

"Are you considering it?" I ask, tilting my head thoughtfully.

She shrugs with a sad sigh, "I don't know, Kai. I mean, what if they haven't changed? What if they say or do something that triggers me? I'm... I'm scared, and I hate that. I don't want to be scared of my parents anymore."

I nod and pull her into a tight hug, "I know, Hun. Which is why you should think hard about this. Do what's best for you, not them. Whatever you choose to do, I'm here for you--like always."

She pulls away and grins at me before shaking her head and walking ahead of me, "You have a big heart,Kai. I love that about you."

I smirk and nudge her with my hip, "That's not all that's big."

I receive a smack for that. Okay, yeah I totally deserved that one. Laughter erupts from both of us as we walk down the hall. Who would have thought that us two broken souls would be here today laughing like carefree kids. It feels good, and even though things are rough right now, I'm happy with my life. It's just so... full.

***

"Baby, please. You have to eat something," I beg Jace for the umpteenth time.

"I don't have to do anything. So, I'd appreciate you not treating me like a god damn child," He sighs angrily. "I'm just not hungry. I want to be left alone, is that too much to ask?"

My gaze drops to the floor and I feel tears well up in my eyes. This is just too much right now. I'm out of my meds, I had therapy today and had to talk about my mom and those days, and Jace's mood has hit an all time low.

Suddenly, I find myself shooting to my feet, grabbing Jace's plate of food and storming out of the room to the kitchen. I carelessly toss the plate into the sink, hearing it shatter, but not really giving a shit as I turn my back on it. The sound of rushing footsteps catches my attention, but I just stand there, trying to get my breathing under control whilst leaning against the counter.

"Kai! What is going on down here?" That's grams.

I don't reply in fear of my voice giving away how upset I am, so I just shrug and turn away from her.

I can hear her coming towards me, but suddenly her advance stops and a moment later I feel a hand on my shoulder too large to be hers. Turning, I come face to face with Jace's painfully beautiful face and note that Grams isn't in the room anymore.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you. I just... Baby..." He trails off, lip quivering.

I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and tell him it's okay, but my mind is swirling with too many thoughts and I can feel a breakdown creeping up on me and being this close to him is just making me want to fall down cry and yell out my frustrations.

Taking the immature, but seemingly safer route, I shrug off his hand and walk around him, "Forget it. Go lay down, I'll make you some tea or something, yeah?"

"Kai, don't do that," He whispers sounding pained.

I turn so he doesn't see the tears gathering in my eyes, "Do what? I'm fine, love. Seriously, you should be resting."

I turn and this time he grabs my hand and yanks me so that I'm facing him, but he's holding my hand up in front of us and only now do I notice it's bleeding. Huh, must have happened when the plate broke. How did I not notice that?

Jace just gives me a sad smile, "You're such a hazard, Love."

Without another word, I allow him to pull me into the downstairs bathroom and sit me on the toilet while he takes care of my injured hand. I look down at my feet, feeling the first tear fall and when Jace turns back to me, I don't even bother to hide it this time. I just let them fall while my eyes fixate on the bathroom tiles.

"Oh, Kai," Jace whimpers, kneeling in front of me resting his forehead against my tummy while wrapping his arms around my waist securely. "I keep hurting you and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry baby, I don't mean to. I'm just--I'm so angry all the time and I'm frustrated and... it's not your fault, okay? I love you and I don't mean to lose my temper. I love you, I love you so much."

I can't hold in the sob I've been suppressing for so long as I wrap my arms around him and rest my cheek on the top of his head. "I understand. I'm just scared. I feel like I'm making everything worse. I just want to care for you like you deserve, but I don't know what I'm doing and I'm sorry I can't be better. I'm sorry, but I love you and I'm trying."

Jace shakes his head and smiles through his tears before leaning up to kiss me, "You're doing perfect, Kai. I couldn't ask for better, so don't hate yourself just because I'm difficult. We'll do better, okay? We'll talk things out. No more holding back how you feel, and I'll work hard not to take out my frustrations on you. I hate doing this to you. We'll be happy one day, baby. I promise we won't be like this forever. I love you."

I nod, trusting him whole-heartedly.

December 25, 2009

I'm woken by gentle kisses being laid all over my face and neck, making me giggle as I open my eyes to a breathtaking sight. Jace's sparkling blues looking lovingly into my dark browns, his face lit up in joy as he practically rolls his weight on top of me, kissing me fully on the lips this time before pulling back and giggling at my ever-dazed expression.

"Merry Christmas my beautiful, beautiful love!" He cheers adorably, pressing his lips to mine once more.

I grin so wide it nearly hurts, "Merry Christmas!"

We climb out of bed, still in nothing but pajama bottoms as I take him by the arm and guide him downstairs where everyone is already up and waiting for us. Sitting around the tree are Grams, Zoe, Zaq, Rhys and Kyle, Leah and Jared, and shockingly--Martyn.

Jace gasps and launches forward, throwing his arms around his brother, "When did you get here!?"

Martyn laughs and soon so does everyone else, "I drove here early to surprise you. Mom, Dad and I did our Christmas shin-dig last night so I could come today!"

Perfect. I think to myself. Ever since I was put in the hospital during the summer, Grams practically adopted Rhys and Kyle into the family, and with them came Zoe and Zaq. Leah told me a few days ago that she told her parents she wasn't ready to see them yet, but that she would go visit in the future. It's progress of some sort and I'm proud of her for making a choice that benefits her for once.

Seeing everyone I love and care about in one room is enough to bring tears to my eyes and I silently bring my mother's necklace--which I've taken to wearing constantly lately--and squeeze it. Merry Christmas Mum, I love you.

I can almost hear her sweet voice returning the sentiment and with that, a smile lights up my face as I join my little stitched together family, sitting next to my love as we pass along presents and smile and laugh and goof around together. I give Jace the new animal crossing game as well as the death note box set seeing as he's become absolutely obsessed since I introduced him to it. He got me Muse CD's, a Starbucks gift card and an adorable stuffy that I adore and cuddled the entire time because it smelled just like him. It's been years since I remember having an enjoyable Christmas, and this one tops them all.

**

"You're under the mistletoe boys," Rhys says cheekily after lunch.

I look above us and smile when I see that he's right. Without a care in the world of who sees, I throw my arms around Jace's neck and capture his lips with mine. We both smile into the kiss, tasting like candy canes and hot cocoa and I am incomplete and utter bliss when I pull away and his arms wrap around my waist tightly, holding me to him as he whispers a quiet, "I love you."

And I whisper "I love you, too."

Our moment ends on a comedic note as Zoe practically bulldozes us over and drags Leah under the mistletoe, "Hah! Now you gotta kiss me! Pucker up, Boo!"

Leah rolls her eyes and with a light laugh, gives in and gives Zoe a cute little peck, which results in a very excited Zoe jumping around and hugging on Leah. Zaq is nearly killing himself laughing, but sobers up enough to pout at his girlfriend, "Does this mean you don't need me anymore?"

Zoe scoffs and brings him down for a hard, loving kiss, "For someone so smart, you say some pretty dumb things."

He grins and kisses her forehead before hauling an awkward looking Leah into the little hug. I cuddle into Jace's side and admire everyone. Jared and Grams are talking animatedly about some cook off show. Zaq is picking on Zoe, who is pouting to Leah, who is encouraging Zaq. Rhys and Kyle are cuddling on the couch, talking quietly and smiling lovingly at one another. My eyes catch Martyn's last as I see him leaning against the wall by the window and he just smiles happily and lifts his mug of cocoa towards me in a sort of 'cheers'.

"Jace? You want to know something?" I say so only he can hear me.

He smiles warmly at me, "What, Love?"

I look up in his eyes, knowing that everything I've gone through up until now has been so damn worth it, "I'm really, truly happy right now."

He smiles so widely as he twirls us around, rocking me and making both of us laugh at his playfulness, "Me too, Kai. Ugh, I love you so much!"

"Get a room you two!" Zoe teases.

Jace winks at me with a wicked smirk, "Shall we?"

Before I can say anything, he's taking me by the hand and pulling me upstairs. Everyone laughs at us and I can't help but laugh as well, finally following and tripping up the stairs after him. It's a merry Christmas indeed.

**

"Martyn, I love you and all, but where the hell are you bringing us this late at night?" Jace asks the most obvious question since Martyn announced he has a surprise for us and dragged us out the front door.

What kind of surprise would be out in town at almost ten at night? It's not until we are pulling down a familiar street that I venture down at least five times a week. Now I'm smiling, knowing exactly where we're going and getting kind of excited to see a certain someone. I'd like to wish him a very merry Christmas. I'd already given Mr. Hughes his gift two days ago because I wasn't sure if I'd see him. I figured he had family to spend Christmas with, but apparently not if we're going to see him.

We park and let ourselves into the cozy little bookstore I consider my second home and I'm greeted immediately by a jolly looking Mr.Hughes. "Kai, my boy! Merry Christmas!"

I laugh and hug the old man who I consider a father figure and then let him move on to greet Martyn and give Jace a sweet hug, asking him how he's feeling. Mr.Hughes has always taken a liking to Jace. He, Zoe and I are treated like his very own kids and it makes me feel very much loved and I could never ask for someone greater to treat like a father.

"I'm happy to be here and all, but what's this surprise about, Martyn?" I ask after a few minutes.

Jace's big brother gets a big goofy grin, which Mr Hughes actually mirrors before he grabs us and ushers us up the stairs and tells us to close our eyes just before we get up to the loft. We laugh, but quickly comply, becoming more eager with each passing second.

There's some shuffling and I feel Jace's arms wrap around my waist as he leans on me a bit and I allow him to because I know by now he's probably a bit exhausted. After a moment, I hear Martyn tell us it's okay to open our eyes and what I see honestly takes my breath away and I can feel tears welling up in my eyes.

Before me is a beautiful, sleek keyboard that I recognize as the one from the Levett's home studio. I turn to Martyn, mouth opening with no words coming out. What am I supposed to say? This is such a generous gift and I don't know how to even begin saying thank you.

He blushes and scratches at the back of his neck, "I remembered how much you liked it and how you never really got a chance to play it. Plus, I know Jace would probably really enjoy hearing you play... so I figured I'd give it to you rather than let it sit in the studio collecting dust."

I shake my head at his awkward modesty and run over to give him a huge bear hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

He laughs and Jace smiles at us as I eagerly walk over to the keyboard and run my fingers over the beautiful keys. It's been so long since I've played, but it's like my fingers remember the feel and are itching to play.

Taking a seat, I glide my fingers along the keys once more before positioning them and beginning. I can't explain the feeling as anything other than 'right'. It feels like I'mat home as my hands dance along the board, forcing it to emit beautiful combinations of sounds to create a sweet melody.

When the song comes to an end, I see Martyn, Mr Hughes and Jace clapping and his eyes are tear-filled. I smile, getting an idea as I change position on the board. "Hey, baby... Number two."

I can see realization in his eyes as I start to play and sing, nerves causing my hands and lips to tremble,but I persist because it's for him and I want to see him smile as much as I can today. The song 'I won't give up' floats from the keyboard and I begin singing the lyrics while staring lovingly into his eyes.

Well, I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

My hands glide smoothly across thekeys, my heart pounding hard.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay

I won't give up on us

I play out the end and let the music slowly fade before pulling away and walking over to Jace and receiving a sweet and tender kiss from his trembling lips. I've never played for anyone like that before, and never have I sang for someone, it was nerve wracking... but, I'm happy I did it because he looks absolutely overjoyed.

"Kai... that was beautiful. I loveyou," He breathes.

I smile widely, "I love you too, Jace. Merry Christmas.... but, I have one more gift to give you."

His brows raise as I bring him over to the couch and pull a folded envelope from my back pocket, handing it to him. "I was going to wait until we were alone, but right now seems like a good time as any. I look at Martyn to cue him to do his part, then return my attention to Jace.

He pulls the tickets out of the envelope and looks at them in confusion, "Tickets to New York?What for?"

I smirk, "Why don't you turn around and ask him?"

Jace's brows furrow in confusion as he turns, but as soon as he sees the face on my phone, calling on Skype,he gasps, "Charlie!?"

Charlie laughs through the phone and nods, "The one and only!"

I smile and wave at Charlie, "Charlie and I have been talking for a while and I know you've missed him, so I figured the holidays would be a nice time to go for a visit. Not to mention there's some things I'd like to do with you while we're there. What do you say?"

"I say you're amazing, Kai,"He says through happy tears, wrapping me up in a tight, loving hug. "I love you so much. This means a lot to me, baby."

I nod, pecking him on the lips, "I know.... and we leave tomorrow afternoon, so let's get home and pack, yeah?"

He nods excitedly and quickly wishes Charlie 'Merry Christmas' and tells him we'll see him soon before excitedly grabbing me and Martyn and ushering us out of the door.

It makes me so happy to see him happy and not so depressed as he has been. I really hope this trip helps him and helps us heal the tender areas of our relationship. Maybe some stress free alone time will be good for us; good for him. I care about his physical health, but I also care about his emotional and mental health. Seeing his old friend and having some good fun might give him the boost he needs to keep fighting.

Seeing him walk strongly, smiling at me and only coughing here and there, I--for the first time in a couple months--have hope that everything will be okay.

I won't give up on us

And I mean it.