May 14, 2009 

I'm gently jostled awake by someone's hand cautiously shaking my shoulder. I groan back grumpily and snuggle my head into my pillow, sinking deeper into the warmth of the blankets, and wanting to just sleep here forever. Breathing in deeply, I realize this isn't my bed. The pillow smells nice and freshly washed, unlike my old dingy bedding, and there is a hint of something sweet and just a little fruity. My eyes snap open when I recognize the fruity scent. It's the same that wafted out of the bathroom when Jace came out of the shower last night.

"Kai, come on. It's time to get up," He mumbles, shaking my shoulder again.

I roll over a bit and peak up at him with one sleepy eye, my fringe blocking most of the view. As soon as I see Jace standing over me, I quickly gather the blankets to cover my bare chest. Not that he hasn't already seen me, seeing as he clearly slept here with me. He must be thinking the same because he just lets out a light, but sweet laugh and shakes his head.

"What's so funny?" I snap defensively.

His smile falters, but doesn't leave his face as he walks towards the door. I hope I didn't come off as a jerk. I don't want to hurt the feelings of the guy nice enough to comfort me. Completely ignoring my questions, he says,"Hurry up and shower. Meet me in the kitchen when you're ready."

Once he's gone, I release my grip on the blankets and slip out of bed, crossing my arms to warm my bare chest in the chilly morning air. I suddenly remember why I hate getting up so early. I mean, honestly, who could possibly want to be up at this time?

I pull out a black jumper and black skinnies, and oh look at that, black underwear as well. How original, Kai. People at school tease me and slap me with labels like 'emo' because all I wear is black, and tend to always be alone and miserable looking. Black is just the only thing that I can wear that doesn't make me look disgusting in my opinion--it hides imperfections. Smirking, I think to myself, I'll stop wearing black when they invent a darker colour.

In the shower, my mind does what it always has. It wanders down the dark, shadowy alley inside me, where my darkest, most frightening and depressing thoughts live. I can't help but think about my mom, wondering if she listened to me or if she stayed with that bastard Marcus. Probably the latter. My mind soon wanders further into the abyss and memories of last night's nightmare appear. The image of my mother and that ring. The lump in my throat returns and threatens to suffocate me. I have to remember it was just a nightmare. My stomach lurches, but I take a deep breath and force myself to calm down. I can't lose it. I need to keep it together. If there is one thing I am sick of, it's feeling weak and pathetic. Yet, no matter how hard I try, that's always how I end up. Feeling weak and pathetic and needing someone; but not having anyone. Well,until recently.

I turn my attention to washing myself and try to keep my train of thought on only that. Assigning little jobs to focus on. Squeeze shampoo into hand and scrub into hair until it lathers. The scent is flowery and reminds me of my mom years ago; when she tried to look pretty. The image alters to one of my mother's grotesque corpse hanging from chains. Breathe. Rinse out shampoo. slick hair with conditioner. Rinse. I can't stop picturing his wicked smile. The hand on my shoulder. A platinum ring. Breathe dammit! Scrub body down with a bar of soap. Rinse off. My hand pauses over the scar on my hip. Thoughts of the ring cloud over everything. Thoughts of Jace seeing this.Thoughts of Jace finding out about...

Whipping the glass door of the shower open, I lunge towards the toilet and with one more sickening lurch,my stomach empties itself. When there is nothing left to throw up, I flush the toilet and lean my head against the cold, steam drenched wall. I'm so disgusting. Just looking at the mess I've become in the few years I've been alive is pathetic.

Repulsive. Weak. Horrid.

Just plain sad. My body is filthy and horrible and marked so I can never forget. I close my eyes when I feel a single tear slip down my cheek. I hate this, I wish I could erase it forever. I wish I could erase...me.

"No. Stop crying. Don't pity yourself. You're not fucking worth it," I whisper angrily at myself.

Not allowing myself another moment to wallow in self-pity, I force myself to my feet to get dressed and ready. Before exiting the bathroom I glance at my awful reflection and--with a grimace--think, Why didn't you just kill yourself?

Downstairs I'm greeted by the delicious scent of eggs, toast, and sizzling bacon. Memories of my mom in a buttercup-yellow kitchen, flipping the eggs over, smiling and humming a happy tune. A smile almost caresses my lips until the image of her from my nightmare shatters the short lived moment of happy remembrance. I become nauseated and try to breathe through my mouth so I won't smell it so much.

I pull out a stool and sit at the kitchen bar, resting my head against the hard, cool granite counter top. Why do I bother holding on to these stupid memories like a child? It's pointless. They'll never make me happy, because remembering only hurts. They'll never become reality again, so why can't I just let them go?

Jace stands over the little white stove, whistling along to whatever song he has playing through his earbuds. I recognize it as "New born" by Muse.

"Good song!" I say, surprising myself as much as I clearly have Jace.

He whips around, eyes wide and spatula raised as his weapon. The image is enough to make me burst out laughing. Wait. Me? Laughing? I haven't laughed in... I can't remember the last time I really laughed. It feels awkward, but good. Really, really good.

"Kai! I hate you!" Jace says with a cute grin and a hand over his chest, a shaky giggle escaping his lips. "You scared the day lights out of me!"

He is kidding right? He doesn't hate me, does he? Of all the people in the world I can handle hating me, Jace is definitely not one of them. I think he notices my confused and darkened mood, because his smile softens as he turns to shovel some food onto a plate and then hands it to me, making a point to keep smiling at me. My breath hitches in my throat when his hand brushes over mine as I reach for the plate.

"I'm just exaggerating, Kai. I don't hate you, you dork," For some reason, what he says sends a warm tingly sensation through me.

I nod slowly. "Oh, right. Thanks, but I'm-uh-not hungry."

Jace raises an eyebrow as my stomach makes an awkward whale noise, proving what I've just said is a lie. He doesn't say anything though, and I begin to feel an insane urge to fill the silence, so stupid me does just that.

"I'm sorry about last night!" Yep. Should have never talked at all. "I-I mean thanks! Well,not thanks, I was probably a bother. Or was I? I-I don't know. I'm not good at reading people. I-I'm sorry?"

Oh.My.God. Shut up, Kai! ThisiswhyInevertalktopeople.

Jace chuckles and--pulling up a stool--sits across the bar from me. I look up at him from beneath the hair that falls ever so slightly in my eyes,feeling my face burning red as I search for a sign of annoyance, or anger, or regret, or disgust from having had to share a bed with me.There is nothing though. Just his sweet, familiar, crooked smile.That tingly feeling inside me spreads. I'm not sure how I feel about it or what I should make of it, though.

"It's alright, Kai. I'm just glad I came when I did, you looked close to a full blown panic attack,"Jace says, voice filling with concern. "Do you want to talk about it? You should know by now that you can trust me."

I look down at my hands, unable to keep looking into Jace's gorgeous blue eyes, fearing they'd make me slip up and say what I desperately do not want him to know. "I don't want to talk about it. It's not important."

"It's just, you looked so afraid--and the way you clung to me... I just want to make sure you're okay."

I feel my cheeks grow hot from embarrassment. "I'm fine! I said I don't want to talk about it, so if you don't mind, I apparently have a fucking bus to catch. Would love to chat, but hell awaits."

With that, I gather my leather shoulder bag and storm out the front door, slamming it a little too hard. Once outside, a sigh of regret escapes my lips.Why did I yell at Jace like that!? He was just trying to help. The first person to try and help me through anything and I yell at them and storm out like a bratty child.

Good job, Kai. Good job.

**

Luckily, Jared and his crew of jerk-offs were too busy talking up some girl in the east courtyard, I managed to run inside, throw my things in my locker and get to first class without a beating. An accomplishment in itself, really. When the bell rings, everyone pours in and I immediately turn my gaze down and hide my face, hoping to turn invisible so that no one will bother talking to me. Not that they would unless it were to say something vulgar and degrading.

Mr. Rainer comes in moments later, a pretty girl following close behind him. She is honestly gorgeous,and I'm not one to take notice of people often. Her hair is long, with a pretty dark brown colour that perfectly fades into blonde tips, and the perfect pixie-type face underneath it all. Her body? Well, let's just say that all the guys are noticing nothing else, but I just think from the way she's standing, she's extremely shy and uncomfortable with the attention. I don't get my hopes up that she'll be nice to me though. I'm sure she's just like every other bitch in this hell-hole. A demon hiding behind a pretty mask.

I stop staring, unlike the rest of the guys, and turn my attention to my sketchbook in front of me. I haven't drawn in months. Almost a year? I decide to draw something,something that has been lingering in the back of my mind for a few days now. The pencil glides smoothly along the page, thickening in places that I apply more pressure. The scribbling noise is almost soothing and hypnotic as I get lost in the drawing.

I jump when I'm suddenly yanked out of my little bubble by a sugary sweet voice. "That's beautiful. You're really good."

I look back at my drawing and see that I have drawn something that makes me freeze. Two bright blue eyes are staring up at me, vividly real and intense looking, but there are crinkles around the outer corners, hinting that the subject is smiling. I mutter what sounds like a decent enough thank you and hurry to gather my things as the bell sounds,quickly grabbing my books and dashing out of the room, away from the strange pretty girl. She shouts after me, but I don't stop. My luck seems to run out though, because as I'm running along the corridor, a rough hand suddenly grabs my shoulder and whips me around, causing me to drop my belongings and stumble into the lockers. Laughter fills the now emptying halls and I see that I'm cornered by Jared and his goons once again. Like always, I sigh in resignation.

"What? Not going to try and runaway, Harkins?" Jared mocks.

A hard kick to the shin makes me squeeze my eyes shut and suck in air sharply. I want to scream, but I decide to keep trying to hide how much pain I'm in. I'm not weak, I refuse to give them the satisfaction of seeing me in pain. I am not going to be pathetic and cower and cry.

"Maybe he likes being roughed up by you, Jared!" One of the creeps jeers. "You a masochist, faggot?"

"Oh yeah, I just love the pain, Jared. I fucking love it when you kick the shit out of me!" I spit sarcastically. Jared makes a disgusted noise and knees me hard in the groin, sending me doubling over, unable to hold in the cry of pain.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing!? Get off of him, jerk!" A familiar, little voice yells from down the hall.

I glance up, trying to get my breathing back to normal and see the short, pixie-faced, brunette running fearlessly towards the group of guys beating on me. I really want to know what this chick's deal is. No one helps me. No one. Except Jace, but Jace happens to be some weird exception that I've (for now)stopped trying to reason with.

"Run along, sweetheart. We're just dealing with some business," Jared says smoothly, making me shudder at what 'business' could entail. "I wouldn't want your beautiful eyes to witness what has to happen to this faggot."

Slap.

Everyone, including myself, gasp as Jared's stunned face turns red where the little pixie girl has slapped him. Her face contorts in anger and I swear she's going to explode. As if someone just stood up to Jared. The Jared. The Jared who has tortured me on a daily basis for as long as I can remember. I want to hug this girl and thank her a million times over.

"It is not okay to hurt people or slander them because of something they can't control. If I ever hear you insult Gays again, so help me I'll rip your nuts off you jerk!" The girl practically yells.

All five guys stand there stunned, before they quickly stutter out apologies and hurry off, but not before sending me secret, hate-filled glares. I know what they are trying to convey. Next time. At least for now I can get away with just minor injuries. This girl is seriously my hero right now.

"Are you alright? Here, let me help you up," She says kindly to me.

I stare at her offered hand for a moment before taking it and allowing her to help me to my feet. She doesn't waste a second and is quickly dusting me off, fixing my hair,rubbing a smudge of dirt off my face, and patting me down to make sure everything is in tact. I can't help but give a small half smile at her attempts to care for me. "Er- thanks, but I'm alright. Nothing is broken this time."

She sighs and shakes her head. "It's sick. How long have they been doing that to you?"

"For as long as I can remember."

"I don't understand why people have to bully others because they don't like the same things as them. So what if you like boys?" She sighs tiredly.

I feel my eyes widen and I shake my head vigorously. "I-I don't like boys! I mean, I don't know. I mean, I like girls. I-I--they're wrong. I-"

"I get it! You aren't sure yet, that's okay!" She says with a little giggle. "If you have any questions, you can always ask me."

"Y-you're gay?" I ask, voice nearly a whisper.

She smiles and shakes her head. "No, but my dads are."

I nod and feel my cheeks heat up in embarrassment. She seems nice enough, but I've been wrong about people before. Had my feelings played with for someone's sick joke.

"My name is Zoe, by the way!"She says, offering me her hand to shake.

I look at it and move my hand slowly into hers, giving it a hesitant shake. "Kai."

Zoe and I spend most of the day together after that. Having almost all the same classes as each other we sit together when we can and at lunch we both retreat to the library where we hide in the little corner I usually sit alone in when I'm too tired to worry about bullies. Zoe is quite different from me; liking many different things and disagreeing with some things I think and believe, but our differences seemed to make us like each other more. Which, I find strange and she finds fascinating. I like hearing her disagree with me and give me her own opinions, opening up my mind to newer ideas and possibilities. There's never a dull moment.

When the bell that signals the day is over rings, we swap numbers and for once, I leave school feeling rather happy. I've made a friend! Jace is wonderful to have in my life too--of course--but, now I have someone to endure the day with when Jace isn't around to comfort me and talk sense into me. My suspicions of Zoe's kindness don't stick around long after how much I learn about her. You don't open up to people like that when you plan to ditch them and laugh at them.

She revealed over sandwiches that she was glad to make a friend who doesn't have a huge group of friends she'd have to hang with, because she has really bad social anxiety and is highly prone to panic attacks--which I relate to--and being in large groups and being put under pressure doesn't help. In a strange and somewhat terrible way, I'm a little happy that she has struggles similar to mine. It makes her easier to relate and open up to.

However, the whole time I hung around with her, and felt her touch on my arms, saw her look into my eyes, watched her smile at something I said or had done. I never once got that tingly feeling or the flutters in my belly like I do when I'm with Jace.

I decide to not put any meaning to it just yet and step onto my bus, putting in my earbuds to block out the irritating chatter of school girls.

***

I don't go home after I get dropped off at the bus stop, instead I decide to go straight to the book shop to work out my schedule with Mr. Hughes. Since I was forced to go back to school, I'll have to work around that, which just means I get to be more tired by the end of the day. In a way, I'm relieved. It gives me something to do other than lay around all day, feeling depressed and over thinking every aspect of my life and future.

"Ah, back in school? No problem, Kai. I sort of figured you were already in school so I took the liberty of working out a schedule for you. You'll work Monday to Thursday from 3:30 until 7:00 and then you can come in on Sundays to help me sort books and clean up. Sound fair?" Mr. Hughes says, wheezing every now and then.

I'm so relieved to hear that my limited working hours are alright with him. "That's more than fair! Thank you, sir."

I spend the next three hours sitting behind the front desk, watching customers of all sorts come in and getting to see what sort of books different people buy. It is hard for me to do the talking at the register, but I work through it, not wanting to disappoint Mr. Hughes since he has been so kind to me. It's nearing seven when I hear the chime of the door opening. I don't bother looking up, too caught up in the magazine I'm reading.Besides, whoever it is can come ask me if they need help finding something.

When a book gets slid over to me on the counter, I still don't look up, trying to keep calm by avoiding the eyes of strangers. I run it up and tell whoever it is the price, and as I'm waiting for them to get out their cash, I look at the book.It's a manga, "Death Note". I chuckle in surprise and lookup at who's bought it, wanting to kind of rave about how good it is, but I stop and my smile freezes when I see who has been standing in front of me all along. Jace.

"Hey. You didn't come home... so, I got worried," He says, cheeks turning a slight pink.

I look down at the book in my hand and decide to do what he did to me this morning; ignore what he says and continue on. "This is really good. I'm glad you listened when I recommended it."

"I always listen to you," He says softly.

I look up into his eyes and I swear I can swim in them. They are just so amazingly blue and something about the way they stare through me makes me feel stripped and naked,giving me no possible way to hide anything from him. It's both terrifying and relieving to have someone I can't hide secrets from.

"You're the first," I sigh, handing him the book in a little bag. "I'm sorry I worried you. I needed to come work out my hours with Mr. Hughes."

Right on cue, the old man hobbles down from the loft and smiles at Jace, offering out his hand. The two greet one another and make small talk while I gather my things and close up shop. When I finish Mr. Hughes thanks me and says he'll see me tomorrow and with that, Jace and I walk out into the warm summer night air.

"It's incredible how much you've changed in such a short time, Kai," Jace starts as we walk down the pavement.

"What do you mean?" I inquire.

He looks up at the starry night sky, thinking about what to say, hands in pocket. He looks truly beautiful in the moonlight. Wait, that's sort of a weird thought. To call your practical guardian and friend beautiful? Not to mention, Jace is older than I and it's probably stupid for me to even think of him that way.However, it doesn't mean I can't just... appreciate the fact that he is an attractive person. I'm just pointing out something I haven't noticed before. It does not mean that I personally am attracted to him, just that he's attractive. Right?

"When I first met you--not to offend you--but, you truly looked... broken. You never smiled, let alone laughed. You walked like you were defeated, your eyes didn't hold the same sparkle they do now. In just the short time I've had you away from your old home, you've... come to life? I'm really glad. That's all," He says quietly, as though he feels like he has to be careful what he says to me.

I think about it and I guess he isn't wrong. I mean, I'm still depressed and I have nightmares and I still have suicidal thoughts. But, I've allowed myself to open up, which has to be the most terrifying thing I've done in my life. I've found that I'm smiling a bit more, and I've even laughed the odd time or two.Whatever is happening to me, I'm not complaining, and I feel like I have Jace to thank for it all. He has this effect on me, he's the one changing me; he must be.

"Thank you..."

"For?"

"Saving my life. Giving me... a second chance," I say, remembering what he said to his grandmother days ago.

I swear I see his eyes glitter with wetness in the moonlight, but I decide not to question it and stay quiet.

"I'm glad I saved you, too...but, I may have had my own selfish reasons," He sighs, but a smirk makes it's way onto his face.

His comment stirs something in me. I can't pin point what it is or what it means, but I like the feeling.I think. For some reason, I really want to hold his hand right now,but know I can't and shouldn't. To make myself resist, I cross my arms over my chest and hug them close. "Those are?"

He smiles a bit wider. "That's a secret, Kai. Maybe I'll tell you one day, but--hey, are you cold?"

Shit. What I'm doing probably makes it look like I'm shivering my butt off. If I say no, then he'll wonder what the hell I'm doing hugging myself so closely, and I'll have to explain, "Oh, I feel like I need to do this to restrain myself so I don't try doing something weird like hold your hand." Just thinking about saying it makes me cringe. Which, in his eyes, probably came off as a shiver. I sigh and just nod, giving in. I'm such an idiot.

I practically lose my breath entirely when I feel his arm wrap around my shoulder and pull my close to him. "That better?"

Looking away from him to hide my beet red cheeks, I nod. I can hear him laugh quietly under his breath,and the sweet sound makes me smile. I don't know what to make of Jace, or the idea of Jace and I that seems to constantly drift into my head, or what exactly is happening between us, or maybe just to me--but, for now I am just going to enjoy the comforting warmth of his arm around me.

**

At home, we eat dinner with grams,which is actually becoming less awkward for me and I'm beginning to be able to eat a little more. So, that's good I suppose. Over dinner I manage to actually talk a bit and mention that I've made a friend and I talk a bit about her. It's kind of awkward, since Jace keeps giving me funny looks. I don't understand what they mean, mostly because I don't recognize whatever emotion he's trying to convey. After the meal, I try to run to the safe seclusion of my room, to maybe think over the really strange events of the day, but Jace calls me into the living room.

Damn. So close.

"Do you play video games?" He asks as he scans a bunch of games on a shelf next to the TV.

"Haven't in a long time, but I like them," I say, shrugging.

Next thing I know, I'm talked into playing round after round of Sonic, which Jace sucks terribly at. I laugh at him as he keeps missing the check point and dying. As he plays, focusing more on the game than me, I can't help but study his features. His skin is rather pale,compared to my slightly tan complexion, but it suits him. He has such long, dark eyelashes that just make his bright blue eyes look more defined. His face is thin and defined subtly in all the right places, but the minute he smiles, he gets cute almost chipmunk cheeks and my heart literally stutters every time he laughs wholeheartedly and I see his little pink tongue poke out slightly. Kind of like it is now. I take a deep breath and I think Jace thinks I'm sighing at him for dying (yet again).

"Well, what was I supposed to do!?" He laughs.

"Not suck, maybe?" I say sarcastically, but smile at him to show I'm playing.

"That's it, you're gonna get it!"

I squeal in surprise as Jace lunges at me with a throw pillow and begins whacking me with it. I laugh so hard it hurts until I get close enough to the other pillow and strike back, hitting him in the chest. He giggles and tackles me to the floor where we continue to try and beat each other, but I become intensely aware that Jace is on top of me, and much stronger than I(which I'm sad to say makes me nervous), but I like it at the same time. My heart pounds against my chest when both of our pillows accidentally fly from our grasps and we're left on the floor; Me on my back, and Jace straddling my hips, both of us breathing heavily.

I swear his eyes glance down at my lips, but I don't get time to really notice, because suddenly my cellphone is ringing and Jace is jumping off of me and pulling me to my feet. Face red, and slightly out of breath, I step away from him, facing the wall instead, and answer the call.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Kai Harkins?" A professional voice says.

I'm confused, but continue speaking, slower though. "Uh... yeah?"

"I've been asked to contact you. Your mother was admitted to the hospital earlier this evening due to an overdose. It's important that you come immediately. "

My heart stops, my breathing stops, life around me stops. "What do you mean overdose!?"

I turn to face Jace, who is already walking towards me, reaching for the phone. I don't move. I feel sick. I feel numb. I feel afraid. I feel much younger than I am and the only thing I want at this very moment is to be by my real mother's side. The lump returns to my throat and I just watch in choked desolation as Jace pries the phone from my hand and takes over. My mind slowly shuts back down as reality crashes down on me,threatening to drown me with it's own bitterly cold hands. It's been awhile, but I realize I'm back home where I belong. That happy reality isn't meant for me. I'm nothing again and I just can't seem to care, or feel at all.