(I'd just like to say that i totally just put in my own birthday date here lol anyway.)

August 6, 2009

There are some people who accept life as it is; the pain, the downfalls, the rare sparks of hope, the feeling of simply being okay. Then, there are those who refuse to accept this, and they fight normality, insisting life has more to offer them as long as they keep reaching--fighting for it. Sometimes they get the happiness they longed for, but some... some just end up running their whole lives until they lose their way and are too far gone to return to the comfort of 'just okay'.

My mind has been whirring with thoughts like these the past few days, and I can tell Jace is curious as to why I'm so unfocused, why I'm so deep in thought. I just can't help it. There's an entire world out there, a life I have yet to discover and after years of thinking I'd never get there anyway, I finally have the time to think about it and it's a little overwhelming.

I also can't help but think about Jace's future, and how ours will intertwine... or if they'll get to. I think about how I fell in love with him. I think about how unfair it is for such a bright mind, someone with such an amazing future ahead of them, to be slowly destroyed by something as cruel as cancer.

It's during all these epiphanies about life, and after considering all my options and likes and dislikes and opinions and morals that I decide it's time I bring up the list. I want to know why he wrote it. Why he hid it. How Charlie knew about it. Why he never told me about it.

Most of all... I want to do something about it. I have a plan, but that will have to wait, because right now Jace and I are entering the hospital for his third appointment this week. Only this time, they will reveal his treatment plan and to say he is nervous is an understatement. I want so badly to go with him, but after avoiding him for a long while, Erik is forcing me to go to session today, under doctor's orders apparently. Bull. More like orders from his purely stupid curiosity.

"Come meet me if you're done before I am," I tell Jace, embracing him tightly and gently pecking his lips before heading to the psych ward of the hospital.

I knock once on the familiar door and I'm immediately called in and to my misfortune, Erik is sitting therewith a overly happy grin, gesturing for me to take the seat across from his desk. I exaggerate a sigh and flop down in the seat, resting my arm on the side and leaning my cheek against my fist, face clear of emotion to give him the clear impression of 'I really don't want,nor do I need to be here'.

"Hello, Kai. How are you today?"He asks.

"Alright, been a little busy I suppose," I reply.

"Oh? With what? Does this have to do with whatever happened in London?"

I stay quiet, staring out the window behind him, not really sure what I should say. I've been doing pretty well with keeping my emotions in check, mostly for Jace's sake, but I fear speaking of it all might bring them out to play again.

"Can you talk to me about what happened, Kai? I know we're only therapist and patient, but I really have grown to care about you. You looked extremely distraught when I last saw you and I just want to help you," Erik stresses,sounding honestly concerned.

I sigh and finally meet his gaze, "A lot happened in London. I met Jace's parents, I fucked up and got drunk after some issues with his parents, I finally told him how I feel about him, things started going really well for the both of us-"

"That's wonderful, Kai! I don't understa-"

"Then I found out he has cancer. Stage two lung cancer to be exact."

Silence.

It's quiet so long that I start trembling a little, anxiety eating away at my mind making me panic about whether I should just leave, if I should say something, if I should just sit here and quietly wait forever for his stupid answer.

"Oh, Kai... I am so sorry. I understand how hard this is. I lost my father to cancer. It's a horrible thing, this disease. Jace is a wonderful person and I'm really sorry you have to go through this, with someone you're so close to, at such a fragile age. How do you feel about this?"

I feel the tears pricking at my eyes, but I blink them back trying to speak through the lump in my throat,"I'm angry. I'm upset, yes, because I love him. I love him more than I'll ever love anyone. He's been there for me when no one else was. He... he's the only reason I'm even alive today. Of course I'm fucking terrified of the idea of him just... not being here. It's my worst nightmare, but that's not what makes me angry. What makes me angry is the fact that Jace is so fucking amazing and wonderful and intelligent and he could do so much with his life. He's dreamed of getting away, going to school and doing great things with his life, earning everything he wants in life. He's worked hard for it, too! Now... now this!? He doesn't deserve this, he is the last person who deserves this shit! No one deserves cancer, but why him!? There are killers and rapists and terrible people out there who it could happen to. But... but, Jace!? All he's done is try to help everyone and be a good person! He is a good person! So why the fuck does he have to be the one dying!? I just don't understand... this life makes no sense to me. I'll never understand why horrible things happen to great people."

When I look up I see Erik writing down in the journal with my name on it. He writes quite a lot, and I wonder just how much he took from my response. I don't really care though,it's just the plain truth. I hate the world for doing this to Jace. I'd give up everything, I'd let him leave me behind, hell I'd give up my life just so he could be healthy again and live the life he deserves. Jace deserves better than this and I hate that I'm so helpless. I want to save him like he saved me... but, I just can't. It can't be done and that frustrates me so much.

"I've come to realize that you area very selfless person, Kai. Even in moments meant to be your most selfish, your intentions are still based on the well-being of others.You said you wanted to die because others would be better without you, that their lives would improve. Your lover is in a serious situation--life threatening--and your pain isn't revolving around your loss of him so much, but of his personal loss of life. Kai... you have something not a lot of people your age--or people of any age for that matter--have. I really hope Jace gets better, because it would be a real loss for the world to lose a source of love as incredible as yours. You have a light Kai, a certain something that draws people to you... be strong, because Jace is going to need you like you needed him, perhaps even more so," Erik says and I have to admit his words sort of resonate with me.

In order for me to properly help Jace--care for him and be by his side--I'm going to have to be stronger than I've ever been. If I want him to believe he'll get better, I need to believe it myself. If I want him to chin up and fight this with all he has, I need to be emotionally sturdy along side him.

I hear a soft knock and Erik calls for the person to enter and a grin lights up Jace's face the second he enters and sees me. I return the smile and quickly pull him down to sit next to me, leaning into his side and exhaling in contentment, finding I'm relieved to have him by my side again. It's like my mind gets anxious every time he's not with me, as though it's already preparing for his loss and I hate that I have to keep reminding myself that he's still okay; he's still here with me.

"Jace, how are you? Kai told me the news, I'm terribly sorry," Erik says with a frown.

Jace smiles sadly and takes my hand in his, "Thank you, I'm doing okay considering. It's scary, but I'm confident that if I can make it through this once, I can do it again."

Erik praises him and the two talk a bit longer before Erik announces that the session is over and thanks me for opening up to him and to come back every Wednesday around one and that he'd consider switching me to group sessions if my mental condition still continues to improve. Probably because they don't want insanely suicidal patients getting mixed with the slowly healing ones and triggering them. Some are ready to move forward, some aren't. Everyone heals at different rates, everyone has different problems that effect them in different ways. It's just how it is.

I decide that before we leave we should pay Leah a visit, seeing as I haven't had the chance to visit this week. The second I open her door though, my eyes widen when I see Leah pinned down on the bed, Zoe practically straddling her and pouting with their faces just inches apart. Sitting in the chair with a bored and tired expression is Zaq.

I clear my throat, bringing all the attention to me awkwardly, "Er... I might regret asking this,but what the hell are you doing, Zo?"

Zoe and Leah's faces go beet red and immediately jump apart, Zoe still pouting slightly, "It's all her fault. I asked what it was like to be with a chick and she wouldn't say anything, so I asked if she would ever be into me and she said no! Like, why not!? Am I not attractive to women, Kaily? Why do I feel insulted? Would it really be so bad to kiss me!?"

Zoe turns pathetically on Leah again, pouting like a child asking their parents to keep a stray puppy. Leah just sighs and shakes her head before smiling up at me. Uh-oh. That looks like an evil grin.

"Maybe it's a gay thing, I mean, I'm pretty sure I remember Kai mentioning rejecting your kiss once as well."

My eyes widen and I look back at a wide eyed Jace as I sputter nervously, "I-I wasn't sure why I felt like I did for you a-and I was sort of in denial about being gay and Zoe tried to k-k-kiss me and IamsosorryIswearitmeantnothing!"

Jace looks at me sternly and I feel my heart pounding loudly in my chest, but suddenly he bursts out into loud laughter--coughing slightly--but laughing that beautiful laugh nonetheless. Zoe and Leah both join in soon after and even Zaq is chuckling, even though I see a slight blush to his cheeks. I'm confused, what's funny?

"W-Well, I think it's safe to assume you will never be able to cheat on me if you feel guilty about a kiss that didn't actually happen when we weren't dating," Jace chuckles, pulling me close to brush his lips against mine before going and sitting on the bed, looking a little tired.

I smile and roll my eyes, trying to pretend my face isn't flaming with embarrassment. It's then that I  make eye contact with Zoe and we both open our mouths to speak.

"I'm sorry!"

We blurt out the apology at the same time and I can't help but grin as my tearful best friend leaps down from the bed and practically throws herself in my arms, hugging me as tight as her little self can. Over her shoulder I watch Jace stick his hand out to Jared with a warm smile, to which Jared blushes and accepts by shaking his hand gently. "Thank you for taking care of Kai while I couldn't, I hope you don't take for granted his forgiveness."

Jared nods furiously, glancing over at me and giving me a sad smile, "Kai has done a lot for me, too, even if he doesn't think so. If... If anything happens, I promise he won't be left alone."

Those few words are enough to break my heart and when I bury my face in Zoe's shoulder, I feel her arms tighten even more if it's possible. After we pull apart I excuse myself and slowly walk through the familiar halls, feet dragging,fingers tracing along the wall, eyes sort of unfocused and looking into the middle distance.

If anything happens.... If anything happens... If anything happens...

Why the hell does it have to be so hard to stay happy? To be strong. To be confident. Every reminder that Jace's days could be numbered just tears at me and as hard as I'm trying to be his rock, it's so damn difficult! What is he doing now? Is he wondering if I'm okay? Worried? Probably, and that means I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be!

I kick a door open in frustration. Why am I so useless!? Why can't I just do what I'm meant to for once? I can never do what's right. I've accused him, I've tried to leave him, I've run away from him, I've been weak after saying I'd be strong. I'm just a hypocritical liar. I mean what am I doing now even!? I'm just going into a state of self-loathing when Jace is in there alone fucking dying! How pathetic and selfish can I be?

"Kai?"

I turn around, wide eyed and shaky as I realize I have come to a stop in the little garden that once held our makeshift prom and Jace is standing before me, frowning with concern clear in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I just-"

"For what?" He asks, tilting his head in the most adorable way.

I look down at my feet, feeling ashamed of myself, "I wish I could be what you deserve, but I'm just not."

Jace gets a determined look on his face as he steps close and takes my face in his hands, holding it firmly so I'm looking him dead in the eyes, "Listen, and listen close, love. I don't care in the slightest if you're what is or isn't best for me, if you are or aren't all that I may deserve, because you Kai Harkins, are all that I want and need in this world."

With that, he cuts off my quiet cries with a tender kiss.

Later that day, Jace has grams drop us off at the trail that will lead us down to our beach (as I love to call it now) upon my personal request. I have some things I'd like to say to Jace and something I'd like to do, and there's no better place than the place where our relationship began. This beach means a lotto me and even more so knowing I'm the only one he's ever brought here. It's like we're in our own world.

"So, why are we coming out here at... Seven-thirty at night?" Jace asks with a cute little smile, wrapping one arm around my shoulder while he stops to cough into his other arm every few steps.

I frown. It's been hard on him to do anything physical lately, at least anything that works his lungs too much. I feel bad, but I know that he'll think it worth it once he discovers why I've brought him. So, I flip my frown into a smile and lean up to kiss his cheek.

"It's a surprise you dork, so stop complaining," I chuckle.

"Okay, then at least tell me what you have in the backpack?" He tries, pouting adorably.

I laugh and shake my head, "Nope! It's part of said surprise. You'll just have to wait!"

He huffs and stays silent the rest of the walk, grumbling now and then like a moody child. If I didn't love him so much, I'd probably be annoyed, but in all honesty I cherish his playfulness and youth. It feels nice to feel... normal.Bickering, teasing, joking around. Acting like a normal couple. I know we're not perfect, but perfect isn't what I want. What I want is my blue-eyed hero with his crooked smile, raven black hair that smells of raspberries, his cheesy love confessions and the way his heart beats in time with mine as we fall asleep together every night.

Before I know it, we're already at the beach and taking a seat on a fallen tree a little ways back from the water. I watch it crash into the shore, the smooth waves reflecting the colours of the sky as the sun begins it's descent on the horizon. I sigh in contentment and rest my head on Jace's shoulder.

We stay quiet for a while and I can feel the tension in his body growing and even more so when I take a deep breath and sit up, pulling a certain slip of paper from my pocket and play with it in my fingers. Jace looks down at it and I notice a glimmer of something in his eyes just before he shuts them tightly.

"The day Charlie said goodbye to us in the hospital, he whispered something in my ear before he left.I didn't understand what the hell he meant, or why he told me to go looking for this when the time was right," I begin. "So, in all honesty I let it slip my mind. I forgot about it until I discovered you were ill and I ran home. Even then, I didn't remember until one day I woke up from this god awful nightmare and took a walk to the park in the dark hours of morning to think for a while. I looked at this one flower and it just clicked. I remembered Charlie, and the book and the paper."

Jace sighs and rests his arms on his knees, raking his fingers through his hair.

"When I opened that book and found this... it's not what I expected and in all honesty, it broke my heart that you would even write this, because it feels like you've already given up. I called Charlie when I found it and all he could really say was for me to do what I can and hope for the best before he broke down and hung up on me," I say, turning to look Jace in the eye, feeling calm and determined as I speak. "Jace, I don't know why you wrote out a bucket list, but I'm telling you right now,you better not be fucking giving up on me. I don't care how long it takes, because we are going to do every damn thing on that list and then some because you aren't going to run out of time, because you are not going to die on me anytime soon. I fucking refuse to believe that and I'm not going to let you start believing it."

Jace's eyes shut once more, a tear escaping as he exhales softly, "Okay, Baby."

I wait for his eyes to open again before I let my expression soften, "I love you... and starting now we are going to begin crossing things off that stupid list."

He looks at me in confusion as though he's trying to figure me out as I smile mischievously and turn to the back pack and pull out what I've brought specifically for tonight. Two blankets, a flashlight, a few fake candles--because I'm a cheesy romantic that way--and some snacks and water bottles.

I look down at the list and read, "Spend a night under the stars with someone I love."

Then, I grab a pen and hand it to Jace along with the list as he smiles at me with tears in his eyes as he crosses it off the list. Smiling, I begin to turn to set up the blankets, but a pair of arms instantly wrap around my waist and I'm being yanked back down and I soon find myself sitting in his lap as he presses his lips to mine in an almost desperation. It's a hungry kiss, but as much as he takes, he gives and I feel my heart pound with the love I feel for him as I wind my arms around his neck and pull him impossibly close.

I'm not going to sit around and waste our lives waiting for death any longer. We are going to spend every second we have on this planet doing what we love and never again taking each breath, each heartbeat, each smile, kiss, laugh, or anything beautiful for granted again. That's how you live. You cherish simplicity. You don't anticipate death, you defy it and fight it for as long as humanly possible. That's how I want to live. How I want to live with Jace--Happily; For a long time.

I want to live.

I need him to live.

August 15, 2009

Jace's mood has been fluctuating from great to horrible a great deal the past three days. The reason? He starts chemotherapy in two days. I know he's scared of the pain and over all shittiness of what he's going to need to endure. I know he's dreading how it will effect his appearance and how afraid he is of facing the world again, having to see the pity in their eyes. All I keep telling him is 'I'm here and I love you'' and 'You'll be beautiful to me no matter what you look like' because that's really all I can say. I'm just so powerless.

I find Jace sitting outside, staring down the street with a blank expression as though he doesn't notice the rain pelting down on him. I rush out and instantly take off my sweater to wrap it around his shoulders, which makes him jump as he looks up at me in confusion, having not noticed me sneak up on him.

"What are you doing out here?"I ask, incredulously.

He just sighs, "I'm feverish again and it felt good against my skin... I'm sorry if you were looking for me."

The sadness emanating from him is nearly tangible and it makes my heart ache. I remember not long ago,being the the one in a constant state of depression and despair. Being disconnected from life, feeling empty and numb, and searching for away to feel good. My arms are around him before I even actually think to move and I hold him against me, kissing his burning forehead.

"Let's get you out of the house for a bit, you've been cooped up for too long," I suggest.

He nods and allows me to pull him to his feet and I hold him tightly as he coughs roughly into his arm. I know he should be resting, but it's hard to see him rot away in the house, drowning in depression. He needs air and space and... life.

The day goes beyond well. I bring him on a coffee date and then had Zoe and Zaq come pick us up, thank goodness Zaq can drive and we went on a scenic drive around town,blasting music and singing our foolish hearts out. Jace is smiling and laughing the entire way and nothing can make me happier than seeing my love happy.

We come across a hardware store and while pondering the bucket list, I decide today we're doing something crazy. Jace gives me a nervous look before I grab his hand and drag him into the store, Zoe and I share evil grins as we hurry into the tool section grabbing a hammer and screw driver each before running to the other side of the store. Both Zaq and Jace share frightened stares as we approach the paints. I look around to make sure no workers are nearby before grabbing a can of bright purple paint and use the tools in my hands to pop the metal lid and before Jace can say a word, I've dipped my hand in the paint and splattered some across his face.

He laughs, stunned at what I'm doing and I just wink and pull out the list, "Number 14, do something absolutely crazy in public."

Zoe then follows my lead and opens a bunch more cans, dipping her hands in and whipping paint at both Zaq and I. Before I know it, the four of us are having an all-out paint war in the middle of the store, laughing and slipping everywhere like idiots. Never in my life have I had so much fun or felt so care free.I skid across a puddle of paint, which is now everywhere and throw myself against Jace, smearing blue paint on either side of his face as I crush my lips against his, pulling back only to smile at how insanely happy he looks before kissing him again.

"Shit! Someone's coming!" Zaq whisper shouts, slipping and sliding as he tries to take off down the aisle with Zoe in hand, both laughing their asses off.

I turn and see two angry staff members starting to come our way, "Hey! What the hell do you think you's are doing!?"

I turn to Jace with a grin and laugh,"Let's go!"

I grab his hand and make a mad dash for the exit and chase after Zoe and Zaq before jumping into the car.We're quiet until Zaq rips out of the parking lot and is down the road and we all take a moment to look at one another before howling with laughter. Who knew life could be so fun? You just have to be with the right people.

After driving around for a bit, I keep pondering over the list, coming up with future plans and deciding which ones I want to do first and which are the most important.It's then that I come across one that makes me pause. I fold the paper and shove it in my pocket as I glance out the window. I wait and watch until I see the building I'm looking for. I don't even need to think about this; I want this and I know it will make Jace happy.

"Stop here!"

When Zaq pulls to a stop, Jace grabs my hand and looks at me with wide eyes, "Kai, what are you doing? We don't have to do this one, I don't even know what I'd want."

I smile and give him a light peck,"Then you don't have to... but, there's something I want."

He looks confused, but lets his curiosity take over as he follows me into the building. I walk up to the counter and smile at the guy sitting there, "Hey, do you have any openings or do I need to make an appointment?"

The guy's voice is rather gruff as he walks down the hall and peaks into a room before coming back, "They're just cleaning up back there, we didn't expect anyone else today. They'll be done in about fifteen minutes if you want to wait. What do you want done?"

I grab the list and on the blank backside I take a pen from the counter and write:

V . IV . MMIX

The guy looks at it and then points to a wall full of generic tattoo ideas and fonts, "Pick how you want the writing to look and I'll be back when someone's ready for you.

I go over and pick out a simple font,thinking it best. Jace then comes up behind me and shakes his head in disbelief as he looks at what I wrote down. I can see the confusion contorting his expression and I can't help but chuckle.

"What on earth is this?" He asks me.

I smile and look down at the date fondly, "This, my love, is the date that we first met. The day my life changed forever and the day I got my second chance. It's a pretty important day to me."

I watch as his eyes fill with love and he instantly grabs me up in his arms and hugs me fiercely, our paint covered bodies pressed tightly together. I wrap my arms around his waist and smile as I rest my head against his chest and inhale his sweet scent mixed with the scent of paint. Today, is a good day, and I don't want him to forget it when the bad days come along.

The man comes and retrieves me as he said about fifteen minutes later and in less than half an hour, I have the date tattooed on my wrist, above all the marks my past has left on my body. A reminder I can look down at whenever I feel lost and smile knowing I'll be okay, because I have my love and I am strong enough to leave those horrible things behind me and I'm never going to be alone in life again.

As we leave, Zaq claps me on the back and Zoe turns to me and smiles and I return the smile. I then turn to Jace and take his hand in mine as we head home together. Zaq will drop us off at home, and Jace and I will get cleaned up and laugh more about today, and then eat with grams as always, and then laugh with her about today and then we will get ready for bed together and I will feel so damn content, because I am finally at peace with the life I've been given. Finding I wouldn't change anything that happened to me, because it got me to where I am today, and there's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be. Lastly, I will yet again get to fall asleep in the warm arms of the man I love, wondering how on earth I got so lucky.

**

As we lay in bed that night, Jace tips my chin up so we're face to face and he kisses me so tenderly I almost get choked up by the amount of emotion being poured into this one simple act. He pulls back slightly, but I don't let him and he gives in for a few more moments, giving me what I've become so damn addicted to before pulling away to smile at me lovingly.

"I have something to show you..." he says, slowly sitting up.

I watch in confusion as he rolls up his sleeve to reveal his wrist where a tattoo identical to mine resides and I feel tears well up in my eyes as I open my mouth to ask the many questions in my head, but he speaks before I can, "When you went in for yours, I asked to have the same thing... it's an important day for me, too. It's the day I met you, my true love, my soul mate, the boy who has given me the strength and hope I've lacked for quite some time. It's not a date I want to forget, ever."

I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him with all I have and just think to myself; I may have gotten the short stick in life, and I may not ever have the easiest life--I may never be rich or famous or memorable or even important in this world--But, this is my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it, and all those who have become apart of it. Especially the blue-eyed angel I now hold, for he saved my life and helped me become a person I am proud to be.

Jace... I am so hopelessly, dangerously, and irrevocably in love with you.