~Moments are to memories as stars areto constellations~

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June 29, 2009

After my morning session with Erik, which really just turned out to be a basic routine check up. How did you sleep? Did you eat all of your breakfast? Any stomach pains? Any headaches? Am I adjusting well to my new surroundings? How is mine and Jace's relationship? How do I feel after yesterday's talk? I know he's going to get right down to it by this evening's session. That'show he works. He's your friend in the morning and your interrogator in the evening.

Instead of heading straight back to my room, I decide to walk around the place and see if there's anything else to do. I'm starting to get cabin fever from being locked away in my room all the time. When I did it by choice it was one thing, but now that I really can't leave this place, it just plain sucks to not have complete freedom.

I pass a few rooms, respectfully avoiding looking inside, not wanting to disrupt the other patients. I find the cafeteria and am drawn in by the sweet aroma of coffee and pastries from the Starbucks. Feeling my stomach growl impatiently I take a deep breath and try to block out the dark thoughts trying to sway my decision and instead imagine Jace's words from yesterday.

"You're beautiful, Kai. You're not disgusting in any way, you're gorgeous inside and out. Your body needs this to stay healthy... give it what it wants."

With those words burning in my mind, I push open the glass door and walk up to the counter and look up at the brightly lit board full of options. There are so many drink options and each one looks tastier than the last. The food looks fatty, but my stomach growls and as much as I hate what it can do to me, I also can't wait to see the proud look on Jace's face when I tell him I took it upon myself to snack on something other than my daily meals. I'm making this decision, I need to gain weight, whether I like it or not. If I want out of here, I need to be healthy.

"Buddy, are you going to order or what?" An oddly familiar voice says from behind me.

I turn and come face to face with none other than Jared, my worst nightmare and childhood tormentor. Fear shoots through me and I quickly whip back towards the girl at the cash register who looks confused as to whether she should be impatient or concerned for me.

"Uh, I-I'll take a multi-grain bagel and a-uh-pumpkin spice latte," I stutter, feeling my hands start shaking as I shove them in the pockets of my sweat pants.

When the girl calls me to grab my order at the counter, I start fumbling around to get my money, but jump when I see a hand slap down the right change. I look up at Jared's face, which looks almost perplexed until he turns to the girl and gives her a rather friendly and flirty smile before grabbing his food and gesturing for me to follow him. I gulp audibly. Oh god, this isit. All my progress was for not. Jared's going to kill me right here, right now. Goodbye world, it was nice knowing you. Kind of, not really.

I nervously watch as Jared takes a seat and looks up at me expectantly. Not wanting to anger the beast, I sit down across from him and my eyes shoot to the table, refusing to look up into what I assume is a threatening glare.

"You haven't been in school for quite a while," Jared says, sounding calmer than I think I've ever heard him sound before.

I nod, awkwardly sipping on my drink, enjoying the taste rather than thinking of all the calories I'm ingesting.

"Uhm, who are you here to visit? I just got done visiting my sister when I saw you... don't know why, but I thought I should say hi?" He mumbles awkwardly. "I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but... fuck, I don't know. Why are you here, Harkins?"

I almost smile at how awkward and out of place he sounds. Almost. Finally getting the courage to meet his gaze, I see the uncertainty in his eyes and suddenly I don't feel so threatened. Then, the importance of his question hits me and I can feel my cheeks turning red. "I'm not visiting anyone."

His brow furrows in confusion, "So, you're just hanging around the psych ward of a hospital for shits and gigs? I knew you were weird, but-"

"I'm not visiting, I was admitted here nearly three weeks ago," I confess.

He blanches and I can see a faint, but true spark of guilt in his eyes and this time his eyes are the ones that shoot down to the table. Why he suddenly looks this way is beyond me. Is he suddenly sorry for the years of torture? Why is he acting this way? I don't get it. Last time I saw him he was the same sneering jerk-face I'd known my whole life and also happened to beat up my friends and I.

"Why?" He whispers, still not looking up to meet my eyes.

I don't want to be having this conversation with him. I really don't, but something in my gut is telling me that I don't need to be afraid of him anymore. Why that is, is beyond me, but I open my mouth anyway, mostly because I'm probably brain damaged and have a death wish, but whatever. "If you really care to know... I tried to kill myself. Over-dose. So... I was brought to the hospital, died twice on the table and then they got my heart going again and I slipped into a two week coma and when I woke, they put me in a room here and I've been here ever since."

I can see the gears working in his head and I really have no idea what to say. I even consider getting up and leaving because let's face it, this is the most awkward thing to ever happen. I keep waiting for someone to jump out and tell me that this is some kind of joke and Jared to snap back to his sadistic self and attack me.

"I-It wasn't because of anything I did, was it? B-because... Kai, I'm so sorry for everything I put you through. I know it doesn't mean much, but it's true. As much of a jerk as I was to you, I would hate myself if you ever killed yourself because of something I said or did. I couldn't handle that guilt, i couldn't," He says, sounding hoarse as though he's getting emotional.

I'm stunned to say the least. Did my bully actually just apologize to me? That doesn't sound right. What do I do? Do I forgive him? Do I tell him to screw off? Do I just walkaway awkwardly? That's what I would normally do if it not for the fact that seconds later I see his shoulders shaking and realize he's crying.

"It had nothing to do with you, Jared. It's personal, but can I ask a question?" I ask, receiving a stiff nod from him. "Why the sudden change? What happened? I don't understand what's happening here."

He sighs and looks up at me and I can see how tired and weary he looks, it almost makes me sad. Almost. "I admit, I didn't care what I did to you before. I hated you for multiple reasons, which I'd rather not talk about. Then... a week after I saw you at the bowling alley, I found my older sister in her room. She'd cut deep enough to nearly bleed out. We got her to the hospital in time and that's why she's here. When I went home though, I turned on her computer and saw that she was being bullied by a group of girls from her college. For a lot of the same reasons I bullied you and it kind of hit me hard. I never really realized the kind of damage I caused you. Physically, obviously I noticed, but not the mental side of it. I just did it, and... I don't know. I tried to find you at school to apologize, because I left my friends and even switched schools and I wanted to make things right."

I look down at my food, nibbling here and there while I process everything he's told me. His sister tried to kill herself, so he suddenly realized what he's done is wrong? I want to hate him and tell him to fuck off and to never speak to me again, because in all honesty, that's about as much as he deserves. But, when I look up at his face again, I can see the fear and hurt and guilt clear as day. I think back to when I was just a scared boy waiting for his mom to wake from a coma, and then when I lost my mom, how much I hated myself for not doing anything to stop what happened to her. I remember the look on Jace's face when he saw me laying on the ground, seizing after taking too many pills.

Jared has felt the fear of loss, hated himself for being the cause of someones pain and not being able to stop another's, and now he's hurting because he's left to live with the guilt of what he's done. That, in my eyes, is punishment enough.

"Jared, I appreciate you trying to apologize. I don't think I can forgive you yet for the things you did to me all these years, but as much as I want to, I don't hate you.You should know that nothing you did to me was part of the reason for why I attempted on my life. Those reasons were more personal," I explain, keeping my voice low and level.

He nods and offers me a small, sad smile. "Thank you... I know I deserve your hatred and more, but I guess that's what makes us different, huh? You're a good guy, Kai. Maybe some day, when all this is in the past, we can be... I don't know, friends?"

I shrug and swallow the last bit of mybagel, "Maybe. I guess it depends on what kind of people we are when the time comes. Thanks for apologizing, Jared... it does mean something to me. I hope your sister gets better."

"Maybe you could talk to her? She's in room 142. I'm sure she could use a friend and I mean... you know more about how to handle her situation than I do," I almost laugh at the blush that streaks his cheeks.

"This coming Friday I'll be on less of a strict schedule, tell her I'll come say hello," I offer as I stand up and throw out my garbage.

Jared joins me and follows me out of the cafeteria. We stand there staring at our feet, awkwardly avoiding making eye contact for a couple moments before he takes a deep breath and stick his hand out in front of me. I look at it for a moment and then carefully lift my small hand and take his, accepting his gentle hand shake.

"See you around, Harkins," He says and then turns on his heal and walking in the opposite direction I'm headed.

I smile at his retreating figure and shake my head, laughing to my self as I turn to head towards my room. Life can be so odd sometimes, always throwing the most unexpected things your way at the most unexpected of times.

**

It's nearly three and Jace has yet to make an appearance. At first I was a little upset, then I was a bit mad and now I'm just plain worried. In all the time I've been here,he has never failed to show up by at most noon! If he would be late he even normally called Joanne to tell her to let me know. Nothing though. I ask to use the phone and neither Jace nor Zoe are answering their phones.

I pace around my room, wondering why no one is talking to me, why no one has visited. My mind goes down that dark path and makes me think that maybe, just maybe, they're sick of me and finally giving up on me. The rational side of my brain though tells me that something must have come up, or they're really just busy or away from their phones. Jace won't abandon me. Neither will Zoe. At least, I hope not.

Six o'clock comes and I await to be told to head towards Erik's office, but no one shows up.

6:10

6:20

6:30 

Just as I am about to totally go insane and breakdown, thinking everyone has left me or forgotten me, a gentle knock sounds on my door and I am stunned to see Zoe waltz in. Not because she's here, but because she looks absolutely stunning. Her long hair is pinned up in a messy bun sort of hairstyle with curled pieces pulled forward to frame her pretty pixie-like face. She has on a gorgeous floor-length silver gown that dips low enough in the front to accentuate her breasts, but still look classy.

"Oh Zoe, you look beautiful," I whisper, smiling softly at my best friend.

She blushes and does a little twirl, "Thanks, I kind of feel like a princess in such a long dress."

I pull her in for a gentle hug, minding her hair and dress and kiss her on the cheek, "You look like one, too. I'm guessing your headed to prom now?"

She smiles at me suddenly and there's a wicked gleam in her eye that makes me suspicious immediately, "Yes, I am! I have somewhere I need to take you first, though."

I open my mouth to ask what she means, but her hand clamps over it and she shakes her head. So, like usual,I submit to whatever she wants and let her rifle through my clothes until she pulls out a bag that I don't remember being there before. She pulls out a nicely pressed white, dress shirt and then the rest of the suit follows after. I think about asking how that got there, but decide if I want to avoid a tongue lashing from my feisty friend, it's best if I just play along.

Once I'm dressed I take a look in the mirror and I almost let my jaw drop, but manage to keep it in check. For the first time in my life, I actually feel attractive. The suit hugs me in a way that doesn't show my too-skinny areas and slims out the areas I feel are fat. Zoe has even straightened my hair and styled it so it looks neat and kind of sexy.

"You clean up really well," She says from beside me, taking my hand in hers.

I blink, "I guess so?"

Without saying another word, she pulls me away from the mirror and out of the room. We walk in silence down hallway after hallway and I feel myself growing more curious by the second. Where on earth is she bringing me!?

All my questions are answered seconds later when we turn a corner and I see something that has tears stinging my eyes and my heart thundering like mad in my chest.There's a red carpet leading down the hallway and seemingly leading to a set of glass doors. Along the walls there are pretty fairy lights that give the hall a romantic feeling with the usual fluorescent lights turned off.

What has me covering my mouth to hold back a soft sob, is that everyone I know from the hospital is standing along the sides, dressed up and smiling warmly at me. Joanne is stood next to Erik wearing a long, elegant green dress, her short hair curled in an old school fashion that suits her. Erik looks handsome in a dark grey tux, the jacket open casually, tie slightly loose. Even Dr. Harvey, the woman who talked to me the day after I woke up is stood there in a medium length, black business-like dress.What shocks me further, is that both of Zoe's fathers and Zaq are here, too. Even grams who looks beautiful in a lavender, long-sleeved dress.

"What is this?" I ask, my voice sounding small and child-like.

I feel Zoe take my arm in hers and pull me past everyone, down the hall towards the glass doors. "It's our prom silly, now go on. There's someone waiting to see you in there."

I take a deep breath and with a quick look back at everyone, who simply smile at me and urge me onward, I push through the glass doors into what appears to be a small garden.There's a brick path leading forward, with shrubbery on either side.My attention, however is not on those, it's on the trees above that are decorated beautifully in more fairy lights. My gaze follows the trail of lights all the way until my eyes land on the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen.

There, in circular centre of the garden, with lights and candles all around to illuminate his angelic features, is none other than Jace Levett. My heart stops and then begins racing as my legs carry me forward hastily until I'm stood right in front of the man I've come to love so damn deeply.

"Jace? Did you really do all this?" I whisper, feeling my eyes widen in wonder at how handsome he looks.

He nods and smiles that perfect, crooked smile of his as he takes me into his arms. "For you, yes. I wanted to give you your prom, one night all about you. You deserve at least one normal teenage experience. So, I thought why not make it the night that is supposed to be the most magical night of your life until your wedding? By the way, you look so handsome."

I open my mouth and close it a couple times, unable to find the right words to say. Instead, I decide to just show him how grateful I am and how much I love him in this very moment. My hands slide up his chest until they're gently cupping his face, and without a moments hesitation, I pull him closer so that I can kiss his soft lips with as much love and passion as I can muster. He kisses me back immediately, stepping forward and wrapping his arms around my waist so he can pull me against him.

Music begins to play out of nowhere and I recognize the song. I won't give up by Jason Mraz. Smiling into the kiss, Jace begins to move our bodies, swaying us from side to side in time with the music. I pull back from his lips slightly to catch my breath and look up into his hypnotic, blue eyes. Then, before I can say anything, he presses his lips to mine again and I don't even think about complaining.

This moment feels so right. Words aren't necessary because all of our thoughts and feelings can be felt through our actions and the love and lust and happiness is tangible in the air around us. Jace finally pulls away from the kiss to smile down at me, pulling me into a sweet embrace, my head on his chest and his head dipped low so he can press a light butterfly-soft kiss to my forehead.

"I won't give up on us

even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up," Jace sings along quietly.

I close my eyes, breathing in his fruity scent as we slowly twirl beneath the fairy lights. I love this man, I love him so much. There's nothing I wouldn't do to be with him forever, I know that now. I've never been happier, more content than I am right now and tonight is in every definition of the word--perfect.

I peak my eyes open and see that the others have finally joined us. I see Zoe and Zaq smiling at each other happily. To my left I see Rhys and Kyle holding each other tightly, looking lovingly into each others eyes while they whisper sweet nothings that are inaudible to the rest of us. An honest smile lights up my face when I see Erik bow to Grams and ask her to dance while Joanne and Dr. Harvey start dancing together, smiling and giggling at being the only ones without a date.

My smile stays as I pull away slightly from Jace and look up at him once more, "This isn't the prom I imagined."

I see his face fall a little and I smile even wider, "It's so much better. Jace... tonight is perfect. I don't know what I did to have someone like you come into my life, but I'll never be more thankful for anything else. You're everything to me. You saved me and you've made me the happiest guy on the face of the planet tonight. I-I-"

He smiles softly, tears twinkling in his eyes, "Yes?"

I can't seem to be able to speak, feeling tears choking me. Instead, I lean forward and press my lips to his tenderly, feeling my salty tears slipping down my cheeks to mingle between our lips. I move to pull back after a few moments, but Jace doesn't let me as he pulls me closer and turns me sharply into a dip and kisses me deeply, his smooth lips brushing mine in a way that makes butterflies erupt in my tummy.

He pulls me back upright and finally lets us part, and I shiver when he leans forward, lips pressed to my ear as he whispers, "I love you, too."

The song finally ends and I feel alight tap on my shoulder. Jace and I turn to see Zoe standing there, smiling at the two of us and probably trying to hold back a squeal of delight, "I don't mean to butt-in... nah, I totally do. Jace, do you mind if I steal my best friend for one dance?"

He chuckles and shakes his head, pressing his lips to my cheek before handing me over and making his way over to Grams who's hand he takes to start twirling her around.

I place my hands on Zoe's waist while she wraps her arms around my neck and smiles at me, "You guys looked really happy."

I smile back and nod, "We are really happy. You know, this is the first time I've ever felt so...alive."

"Speaking of feeling alive, if you guys really start feeling alive later, I want details mister!"Zoe says, smirking at me.

A furious blush burns across my cheeks as my eyes widen, "Zoe! N-no! We're not--we weren't going to--what makes you think I'd tell anyone anything!?"

She bursts out laughing and even though I'm still incredibly embarrassed, I can't help but break out into a fit of giggles, too. I've missed hanging out with Zoe like this. She may be opinionated, bossy, awkward, silly and a complete weirdo, but she's my weirdo. My weirdo best friend.

"Stop looking at me like that you big, mushy goof and lets get this dance really started!" Zoe exclaims, letting me go to run over to where the music is playing from to change the song to something faster and more fun and lively.

That's how the night goes. We all dance and act silly and Jace even lets loose and plays along when Zoe grinds all up on him, dancing like she's in some club. I don't think I've ever laughed so much in my life. Everyone's having such a good time and it makes me happy to see everyone smiling and happy. This is living, this is what life is about. Being with people you care about, laughing and loving without a care in the world.

Jace finally separates himself from everyone else and hurries over to me, pulling me close by the waist, smiling down at me, and panting from dancing so much, "You okay, Love?"

I chuckle at his smiling, red face, taking in how his tie is looser and his suit jacket has been abandoned. He looks so beautiful and he's all mine and tonight is the best night of my life. Or, as Jace keeps putting it; the best night of my life so far. An unspoken promise that there will be more amazing nights to come.

"I'm better than okay, Jace. I'm absolutely amazing, and you are so damn beautiful," I tell him, yanking him forward for yet another deep and passionate kiss.

And, the rest of the night is history.