May 30, 2009

Let me start by saying, this day can't get any weirder. At least I don't think so.

A blanket is thrown across the living room window to block out the sunlight while we watch movies. We're already halfway though Mean Girls, chosen by Jace and Zoe. It was beyond weird when they both reached for it, gushing about how funny it is. I swear there were flames in their eyes when they glared at each other. I'd really like to know why they hate one another so much. Despite the current tension, I think they could really get along under the right circumstances.

The four of us are huddled up together on the floor now, laying on our stomachs. Zoe and Charlie lay on the outer edges, while Jace and I lay in the middle. He's so close that our legs and arms keep brushing and the fact that all I can think to do is move closer and kiss him, keeps me with my head facing downward in resistance.

"Reach in front of him for some popcorn to get his attention, smile and then turn to me and be cute,"I hear Zoe whisper in my ear.

For someone so small and innocent looking, she's one hell of an evil mastermind. How does she know howto do all this? Actually, never mind, I'm not that curious...

I do what she says though, mostly because if I don't have some sort of direction given to me, I'll probably start to get unbearably anxious and will do something incredibly stupid and embarrassing. So, slowly and carefully, I lean forward reaching for the bowl of popcorn that is pushed in between Jace and Charlie, and purposefully let my left shoulder brush his chest. I feel him tense up slightly, but to my surprise, he then lightly leans into me. As I pull back, I do like Zoe said and look at him, smiling as friendly as I can, but my heart falters a little, because we're too close. We're almost nose to nose and I can see the surprise registering in his eyes as well, and surely my expression mirrors his.

Trying not to lose my ever-loving mind,or worse--jump Jace, I pull back and move back to my original position on the makeshift floor-bed. My face is indeed burning and must be redder than even humanely possible. I want to just strangle Zoe when I hear her barely holding back her snickers beside me.

Instead, I stupidly follow her instructions and lean in close to her and whisper, but do it loud enough so Jace can hear, "Care for some popcorn, Hun?"

Zoe thanks me and turns over on her back, opening her mouth as a silent way of asking me to feed her a piece. My heartaches because I know this is making Jace upset, I can feel him squirming beside me, and I just wish all this stupidity was over with so I can do this stuff with him. I know I'm new to all this, but I just get these oddly natural urges to do things with Jace, and no that doesn't mean sexual things. Cute things, sweet things, romantic things. Anything! I just want to hold and be held by him, but no!There has to be all these stupid complications and it's ridiculous.

I can feel myself begin to pout and really zone out. Zoe tries to make me smile and snap out of it, but soon realises it's pointless and just links her hand with mine and leaves me to work it out on my own. All these sad thoughts suddenly rush into my mind and begin attacking full force and I need time to sort them.

What if Jace doesn't care for me? What if he truly loves Charlie and I have to deal with them getting back together? What if he doesn't even care enough to come to the funeral with me? Will I be able to handle the funeral in general? What about my aunt? She wants to talk about living arrangements! Will she let me stay with Jace? Does she have a say? What will I do if I have to move? Will I cope without Jace and Zoe? What if I go back to how I was and try to kill myself again!?

Panic rises in my chest and I feel my heart pounding and my breathing becomes quick and unnatural.

"Kai? Are you okay?" I hear Jace and Zoe ask in unison.

I sit up and feel like I can't breathe,it's like the room is too small and it's far too hot. I don't know what to do about anything. I can't figure any of it out. I can't handle it. I can't. I can't. My clothes suddenly feel like they are trying to choke me and I begin tearing at the collar of my shirt,gasping for breath as I clench my eyes shut.

Arms are around me suddenly and I can hear myself let out a strangled cry.

"He's having a panic attack, my uncle gets them," Charlie says from nearby.

I can't see though, it's like the entire room has become blended and the colours too bright, making everything seem closer and larger and... and...

I stand up, getting a sudden burst of strength out of nowhere and rush to the kitchen where I tear off the garbage lid and throw up whatever I've managed to eat during the movies, which really isn't much. My body shudders and quakes from the tension and as my body winds down from the attack, I finally collapse against the side of the counter and a cool breeze soothes my feverish body.

"Kai, what happened? What triggered that?" Zoe asks, rubbing my back lightly.

I am so overcome with emotion and embarrassment, I bring my knees to my chest and hug them tight,burying my face in my arms. The trio whispers among themselves and soon I hear two sets of feet shuffling out of the room and a body dropping next to me, leaning close to me, but not invading my space.

"They're gone now if you want to talk,"Jace says in hushed tones.

I look up at him, shocked that he stayed and not Zoe and just shrug. "I-I don't know... I just got to thinking about everything that's going on lately and... and I guess I got too worked up. I haven't had a panic attack like that since I was twelve when--... never mind."

I can't believe I almost told him about him. That would certainly do no one any good and bringing him up will only add to my mess of emotions and issues. Best push that memory away and forget about it, no matter how impossible I know it is to do so.

"Would you like to talk about what it is that got you so worked up?" Jace asks, taking my hand in his.

I almost feel my heart flutter, but it's too bittersweet. The fact that he only shows me this affection when I need comfort. I feel a bitter smile form on my lips and have to force it away before he sees and questions it.

I shrug though, because there isn't anything I really keep from Jace other than the whole gay thing,"Yeah, I guess. I was thinking about you, and then Charlie, and then you and Charlie. Then I sort of began freaking out over the funeral and how I'll handle it, and then I thought about my aunt,wondering if she'd let me stay here or move away to where she lives.Then... then I panicked when I thought about being without yours and Zoe's support and wondered if I'd just end up back where I was, on the edge of some building or bridge."

Jace sighs a long, sad sigh and pulls my head against his chest. "Kai, can I ask you something? Are you jealous of Charlie?"

I guess he's starting with what he thinks is the easiest. Funny, because it's the one I want to talk about the least. "Why would I be jealous of Charlie? You like him and he likes you, what makes you think that I'm jealous? Are you jealous of Zoe!?"

Okay, so I may have just blabbed too much and sound like an idiot, not really proving that I'm not jealous at all.

"I am actually, a little. I see that she sometimes makes you happy when sometimes I can't. I guess, I just miss when I was the one who could always fix you when you were broken. Not that I'm not happy that you have people like Zoe in your life! She's great! I just... I don't know, yeah," He ends in a mumble.

"Jace, you're still the one who saved me, so don't think that-" I start, but I am cut off by the sound of someone shrieking in the living room.

"Stay here, collect yourself and then come join us. I'm going to see what our idiot friends have done this time," He says with a wink before darting into the other room.

I release the breath I don't realise I've been holding and lean my head back to stare at the ceiling. I like that Jace has the decency to refer to Charlie as his friend for my sake, but it's obvious that they're more than that. They're not just messing around like Zoe and I; they were a thing before all this. But, Jace said he's jealous of Zoe! He admitted it, which means--on some odd level--he cares about me, too. Maybe that is a given, seeing as he saved my life twice and then had me come live with him. It's just so confusing. Why can't he just come out and tell us what it is he wants from us all!?

I hear giggles and Jace scolding Zoe for something. She probably got all excited and broke something. I figure I should go out there and tame my friend before Jace has an aneurysm. My knees feel weak as I pull myself up off of the linoleum floors and stumble forward. I wish my stomach would stop making me sick every time I get stressed out. It's a really inconvenient habit.

Just as I'm about to walk around the corner, I feel another body step in front of me and suddenly a hand is pushing me back and pinning me to the wall with a quiet thud. Fear floods through my body instantly and then I'm paralysed in fear and I'm no longer in the present.

His hand snatches up my wrist and yanks me off my little bed. Where is he bringing me? Why is he doing this?Ouch. He's hurting my arm! Why is he doing this!? Stop. Stop!

"Daddy, what are you doing? That hurts!" I cry, but my voice comes out as a squeak.

He ignores me and thrusts me into the bathroom and locks the door behind us. I want to yell out for mommy,but it's just me and daddy here. They broke up and I have to spend weekends with Daddy. Why is he doing this? Was I bad? Did I break something? Why didn't he punish me when I was awake?

"It's all your fault. You're such a little piece of shit, Kai. Do you know that?" He growls.

I shake my head and try to step back,but he grabs the collar of my t-shirt and yanks it off my head. Wh-what is he doing!? I watch as he turns on the shower and soon huge clouds of steam are coming from the water being spewed out. It looks super hot.

I panic worse when I feel him come close again. "You deserve this, Kai. You ruined mommy and daddy's relationship. If you tell mommy about this, I'm going to hurt mommy. You hear me? You deserve this, no one else. No one needs to know."

I nod, tears flooding down my cheeks.Then, he roughly pushes me and I fall back into the tub where the scalding hot water sprinkles across my bare flesh. It hurts. It hurts! STOP!!

I gasp as I snap out of it and come face to face with a confused looking Charlie.

"What--look, Kai? I don't want to be mean, but Jace is mine. Get it out of your head that he will ever like you, because he won't," He says in a hushed, angry voice.

I shake my head to argue, but he cuts me off my giving me another light shove, hand still not leaving my chest. I feel my body tremble in fear as my childish mind thinks only of times of pain and the pain that is sure to come.

"I see the way you look at him,and the way you cuddled up to him this morning and just now in the kitchen. Just back off, okay? Then we won't have a problem. Jace and I have history and it's only a matter of time before we're back together, so you better not ruin that!" He spits.

A tremor of fear shoots through me and I nod, frantically trying to pull away from him. He sees my panic and lets me tear myself away, eyeing me like I am the biggest freak on the face of the planet, and then he hurries back into the living room. Shakily and still unsure where my mind is, here or in the past,I stumble towards the living room. Jace is back sitting too close with Charlie, who is giving me the evil eye like, 'if you tell anyone, we're going to have a problem,' so I just ignore Jace's warm smile and run into Zoe's open arms.

"Are you alright now?" She asks, rubbing my back.

The others see me nod, but I whisper a'no' in her ear and her arms tighten around me.

"Alright, we need out of the house. This being cooped up bullshit isn't working for you, Kai!We're going out and we're going to have so much fun mister that you won't even know how to be sad anymore!" Zoe exclaims, jumping up and down with me laughing in her arms.

"Where do you propose we go?"Jace asks warily.

***

"I didn't even know we had a bowling alley," He says as we pull up into the front in Charlie's car.

"Clearly you don't get out enough then! They opened a few months back," Zoe sneers as she pulls me from the car.

The boys (did I just refer to myself as a non-boy?) chase us into the building, with me gasping for breath and Zoe giggling, until they catch us and a round of tongues being stuck out begins.

"Seeing as I don't actually live here and I'm only here for summer, I wouldn't know shorty," Jace sneers back.

Zoe's jaw drops and it takes both me and Charlie's full strength to restrain her from jumping Jace and probably tearing him to shreds. This girl has a serious napoleon complex. It's a good thing she's adorable, but I really, truly do have to give props to any guy who thinks he can handle her. I'm her best friend and I can hardly keep her under control.

The four of us step up to the counter and give the guy working each of our shoe sizes and soon we are all sitting on the bench lacing up. Except Zoe that is, she is busy up at the counter flirting with the shoe guy. I can see why she's interested in him; he's rather hot. With his dirty blonde hair perfectly styled into a quiff, the sides being cut slightly shorter and the top tousled and messy just enough to look sexy. His features are hard, nicely tanned and defined, making me see him as more of a man than a teenage boy. His ice blue eyes piercing and cold, but the way we is looking at Zoe right now, all i see is heat in them. I feel very self-conscious looking at him, with him being so thin and well built and sexy and ugh.

I quickly turn my attention away and leave Zoe to her flirting and storm towards the bowling lanes. I hate attractive people. They make me hate myself more and that really isn't necessary, because I already loathe everything that is me. From my awkward weight that shifts from too skinny to too fat in my opinion, and that paired with my dumb ass height. I hate how dark I am compared to most, I hate how shit-brown my eyes are, I hate how my lips are thin and always frowning. I just hate it all and I'm sick of hating and that dude isn't helping.

"You okay with another guy making a move on your girl?" I hear Charlie snicker from beside me suddenly.

I turn and scowl, "She's not my girlfriend dumb ass, she can do what she wants."

"I think somebody's jealous,"Jace sings, nudging me with his shoulder.

I roll my eyes, but when I look at him, I can see something flicker in his eyes. Is he--is he jealous? Is he jealous that I'm jealous? Does he not realise that I'm not jealous of that guy because he's hitting on my friend, but rather because he's more attractive than I?

The three of us go to the lanes, which are fairly empty, and take a seat while we wait for Zoe to finish making a move on the shoe guy. That is, until I feel her practically zoom to my side, shivering slightly. Jace and Charlie look at her quizzically, along with me until I look behind her and see a large group of teenagers coming in. The abundance of people probably has her anxious. I quickly pull the nervous girl into my arms and hug her tightly, whispering a few words of assurance in her ear before looking up at the two boys who are still staring at her. I ask her if it's okay to tell them, and I feel her stiffen, looking over at them,and then nodding as she buries her face in my chest again.

"Zoe has severe anxiety and tends to panic when she feels overwhelmed in public," I explain and watch as the boys' expressions soften and they nod in understanding.

Deciding it would be best for Zoe, we move down to the lanes at the far side of the building, away from everyone else. Once we are away from the teens, Zoe pulls away and takes a deep breath before smiling at me in thanks and sitting to tie up her own shoes.

Before I know it we are broken into two teams, Jace and Charlie, and then Zoe and I, obviously. I'm about to be brutally honest, I've never bowled a day in my life, and I suck at it. Every ball I roll ends up in the gutter and it's just plain embarrassing because the rest of them are getting strikes or at least hitting the pins!

With a frustrated sigh, I flop down in the seat while I let Zoe take her turn.

"Having some troubles?" I hear Jace say from behind me.

I turn, ready to make a snarky remark about how I don't need to be told I suck, but instead I just nod and sigh. Why is it so impossible to feel anything negative towards him? This would be a lot simpler if he wasn't so damn attractive and wasn't always staring at me like he can see into my soul. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's a pain in the ass too.

"I can show you how, if you want," Jace says, a hint of pink colouring his cheeks.

I admire his pale features as they become more and more flushed with every second I keep staring. With a small smile, happy that I'd caused that reaction in Jace, I nod and allow him to come around and pull me to my feet and over to the lane. He grabs a shiny blue marbled ball and hauls it over to me and I think nothing of it. That is, until I feel him step up real close behind me, his arms encasing me and helping me position the ball in my own hands.

"Okay, you're holding it right, but your form is what's messing you up," Jace explains, grasping my hips gently to adjust my stance.

"Now, when I step back, you just have to pull the ball back like this," My heart pounds at the way his arm glides down mine to my wrist as he guides my arm, "Then bring it forward and aim for the centre of the lane."

Jace steps back, giving me room to swing my arm back, and I feel both Charlie and Zoe's eyes on me. Taking a deep breath, I do as he's instructed and I soon am letting the ball fly from my fingertips and watching it roll smoothly down the lane, knocking over more than half of the pins.

A strange surge of excitement bursts through me and a huge smile fights it's way onto my face as I let out a victorious squeal and jump at Jace, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him until we almost fall over laughing. I did something right! I actually managed to do something and not screw it up. Jace's words of congratulations, Zoe's own squeals of excitement, and Charlie's irritated glare all have me laughing even harder, not even the least bit embarrassed that I am still in Jace's embrace.

"Is that you, faggot?" I hear an all-too-familiar voice say from a few lanes over, shattering the happy atmosphere.

I tense up and feel myself jerk away from Jace automatically as if he'd shocked me. Happiness all but evaporates as fear and anger flood my veins, taking over my every thought and emotion. I turn, shaking and wishing I had an escape, and see Jared and his group of jackass' coming our way.

"Fuck off, Jared," My voice is cold and dangerously low.

Jared just throws his head back laughing, not even a little phased. My confidence wavers, and I feel myself begin to cower, until I Jace's arm suddenly fastens tightly around my shoulders.

"We're a little busy here, kid. Why don't you and your little friends run along," Jace says, and the way he's glaring at Jared, all I can think is 'if looks could kill.'

"Tough words coming from a fairy," says Hector, the second strongest looking of the bunch.

All we see is a little blur fly by and before any of us can stop her, Zoe is dashing up to Hector and punching him square in the jaw. Everyone stops and it gets awfully quiet as all eyes go to the short girl who is now seething angrily in front of a guy three times her size. I keep hoping, praying that Jace or Charlie might step forward and maybe stop her, make her come back to us, but they don't. Everyone is in stunned silence.

Hector slowly lifts a hand to his now split lip and glares down at the five foot fuck all girl who looks ready to let another fist fly. "That hurt short-stop."

"Good! I'm so sick of you guys bullying Kai! What did he ever do to you!? It's as simple as just leaving him the hell alone. But, no! You insist on yelling obscene things at him and beating him on a daily basis and I'm sick of watching you hurt my friend!" Zoe screams at the boy, but he doesn't even flinch.

I feel Jace's arm tighten around me and when I look up at him, I instantly regret it. His mouth is opening and closing like he wants to say something, but he settles for a very sad frown. He looks so sad and hurt. Probably because I never tell him just how bad things get for me at school. Yeah, these days I've stayed home locked away were not only because of Jace and my depression. I was also avoiding getting beaten by Jared and his homophobic followers.

My stomach hurts now. I feel both hurt and angry. Hurt by the things that Jared and Hector have said, and angry that I'm the reason Jace looks pained once again. I don't want him to be upset over me. I want him to be happy. It's things like this that make me wish I didn't exist. Without me, none of this would happen. Hector wouldn't hurt Jace's feelings, Jace wouldn't be hurt that I'm keeping things from him. Zoe wouldn't be inches from people who can seriously hurt her. It's all my fault.

"Listen here, princess. You should just run along before you get hurt." The wall of a guy sneers. "We have fun with little Kai here and nothing you or your faggot friends say is going to stop us from having that fun, got it? So take that tight, little ass on out of here before I do something I might regret."

I'm shaking now. What if they hurt Zoe? She can't be dumb enough to push them any further. These guys are psychos. Surely she knows better.

"You think I'm scared of you, tough guy? Well, I'm not! It's so stupid that you make fun of people over their sexuality. What does it get you? Amusement? Does it truly make you happy to see another living, breathing person hurt, and bleed, and cry, and worse? All because you like to get some cheap thrill from it?" Zoe literally spits on the guy. "You are what's wrong with the world!"

It happens before I can even register it. Jared steps back, seeing Hector's anger flare, and then all I hear is a loud smack and suddenly Zoe's fragile frame is practically sent flying out onto one of the lanes from the force of the smack. I don't think--I can't think--all I see is red as I feel my body tear free from Jace's grasp and launch forward at that smirking bastard.

I'm on him in the blink of an eye, fist coming down across his face over and over and over again. I feel my body trembling from both adrenaline and rage. Fear lingers in the background, but I'm too furious to acknowledge it. How dare he hurt Zoe. My friend, a girl--a sweet and innocent girl! A small, unknowingly defenceless girl! Sure she pushed him too far, but he knows that she is powerless to his huge self. He hurt her and smiled. Well, I'm going to beat that smile right off his damn face.

"Kai, look out!" I hear Jace cry out.

It's too late though, before I can defend myself I see Jared's foot coming towards me and feel it connect with my jaw and force me off of Hector. Then, they are all launching at me, sending kicks and punches--and everything in between--my way. I groan, but bite my lip to stop myself from screaming out. Please, someone stop them. Jace, Zoe-- Charlie even! What about the working staff? Where are they? Can't they help me? I didn't think. I was so angry. How stupid of me to think I could get away with fighting back. I'm so stupid. I'm a fucking idiot. I deserve this for my stupidity.

"Aw, does that hurt?" Jared's mocking voice sneers.

I can't help but yell out in pain when I feel Jared's hand pull my head up by my hair. He forces me to look at Zoe, who is still collapsed by the lane way crying, staring at me helplessly. Then to Charlie who is trying to fight off some guy to get to Jace who has been attacked while trying to get to me. Again he's being hurt because of me. It's all my fault. It's always my fault.

"See what being a queer gets you?"The bastard says as he makes me stare at Jace and Charlie who have both taken quite a few hits and are now pinned and staring back at me. "It's all your fault."

I feel a tear slide down my cheek.

"It's all your fault. You're such a little piece of shit, Kai. Do you know that?" He growls.

The voice of my father echoes through my mind and I feel my heart pound and the tears spill over, blurring my vision. No, please stop. Just stop. Please, I don't want to hear anymore. Leave me alone. I don't want to hear his voice anymore! I know it's my fault! Just stop, please stop.

"Kai, don't listen to him! It's not your fau-" Jace gets cut off by a knee jabbing into his side.

I choke on his name as I begin crying harder.

"Are you seriously crying?"Jared asks, almost laughing. "You're seriously so fucking gay."

Anger burns through me at those words and I finally snap. "So what!? So. Fucking. What!?

I freeze when I realise what I have just admitted to everyone, including Jace. Please tell me I didn't just do that. I didn't. What will Jace think of me? Will he be mad that I kept it a secret? Will he be hurt again? Oh, not to mention how great this will be now that Jared and his goons know they've been right about me all along. This could make things a million times worse.

I just want to stop. I want to not exist in this moment, or at all.

My outburst had really caught Jared off guard and it's the perfect time for me to rip free from his grasp. Wincing as I tear my hair free, I take off running. All I hear is laughter and people calling my name. I don't turn back though, fear and panic forces my feet forward. I can hear my footsteps echoing as they heavily run along the polished wood flooring. I bump into a few teens and they gasp when they see that I'm bleeding. When I get to the front counter, the hot guy runs over and forces me to stop running to my chagrin.

"Hey! What the hell happened to you?" He asks in a hurry.

"Assholes happened. Call the cops, they hurt Zoe," I snap.

The guy--Zaq, according to his name tag--grabs a phone and I hear him call for the police before hanging up and running towards my friends. I on the other hand am still too afraid to face any of them. The sound of approaching footsteps has my heart racing again, and call it a hunch, but I have a feeling I know who it is coming after me.

I consider running out the front doors, but they'd think to follow me out there. Instead, I look around and find myself running up a flight of stairs behind the counter. Once at the top and around some corner I stop and listen. It's dead silent, and I almost sigh in relief, but moments later I can hear whoever it is slowly ascending the stairs, their shoes squeaking obnoxiously against the slippery wood.

I need to hide, and fast. I quickly try all the doors and after three tries I eventually am let into a small room that I realise is a janitor's closet. Great. Not left with anywhere else to go, I quietly shut the door, launching myself into darkness and back up until I'm flat against a wall and slide down it until I'm sitting with my arms hugging my knees to my chest. Please don't find me. Please don't find me. Please don't find me.

"Kai?" I hear a soft voice from the other side of the door.

I try to back up further into the closet, if that's possible, and cringe when I hit something and hear what sounds like a mop or broom fall over and hit the floor loudly. Next thing I know, the door is opening and there he is. Beautiful as ever and looking down at me with sadness in his eyes. Sadness that doesn't belong there. Sadness that is only there because of me. It's like Jared said, it's all my fault.

"Please, just go away," I try, but my voice seems unable to rise above a whisper.

Ignoring my plea, Jace walks in and sits Indian style in front of me. We stay like that for a while, just looking at each other, his hand at some point coming to rest on my knee and squeezing it gently as if to say that everything will be okay. If I had the nerve, I'd scoff and argue, but I'm tired of fighting. Especially with Jace. I just want him to hold me. No more anger, or fear, or sadness, or jealousy. I just want simplicity and his arms around my body again.

"I'm cold," I blurt out, but Jace seems to know what I mean, because he scoots closer and adjusts us so that he's sitting behind me with me between his legs and his arms wrapped gently around my torso while his chin rests on my shoulder.

"Better?" He whispers, breathing down my neck.

I nod and lean back into him. "Much."

We sit in silence for a long time after that. There's not much I can say other than we are just enjoying the rare moment. In Jace's arms I feel like my problems aren't so big and if I have him with me like this always, I can get through them all.

"I'm sorry you got hurt because of me," I say at last, having to fight off a fresh wave of guilty tears.

Jace shifts us again so we're both laying side by side, perched on our elbows, but he always makes sure to have one arm around me. "That was not your fault in the slightest. Don't you dare try and take the blame for that. None of us got it as badly as you did."

"But, Zoe-" I start.

"-Is fine," Jace cuts me off.

I sigh and pull my gaze away from his. I can't look at him without imagining him being hurt again and again.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His voice is so soft and caring that it melts my heart.

"You're always worrying about me as it is, I was scared if I told you they were harassing me-" I try explaining, but he puts a finger against my lips to stop me and he smiles warmly at me.

"Not that, Kai," He doesn't have to specify for me to know what he means.

I turn over so I'm laying on my back and staring up at the ceiling, my eyes slightly adjusted to the darkness. "I-I haven't really known long myself. Actually, I was going to tell you the night I realised it, when I came home from Zoe's, but..."

Jace stiffens and even though I can't see his face, I can tell he looks sad. "Then you saw me with Charlie and got upset. Kai?"

I look up at him, nervous and trembling. "Yeah?"

"Do you... do you have feelings for me?"

My heart feels like it's going to explode. Do I tell him? Should I? What if he doesn't have feelings for me as well? What if he gets upset? What if he laughs at me? I'm afraid he's going to reject me. Even though I can see a flicker of warmth and hope in Jace's eyes, I can't be sure if maybe my own hope is making me imagine it. So, I force myself to take a deep breath and close my eyes.

"I don't really know anything about having feelings for someone, Jace. My entire life I've been hurt by people I care about and it's gotten to the point where i just try and block out all of my feelings to protect myself. Half the time I don't even think I'm capable of properly feeling anything at all. I'm always so numb. But... but when it comes t-to you... you make me feel things I haven't in a long time. You make me happy enough to smile when I want to cry. I want to die when I see that you're upset over me, because I hate seeing you sad. I get butterflies in my stomach when I make you laugh, because I think it's the best sound in the world. I miss you when I'm away from you, and the only time I feel safe and at ease these days is when I'm.. When I'm being held by you. So, if that's what you'd consider having feelings for someone, then... yes. I have feelings for you," I say seriously despite my trembling voice

I'm too afraid to open my eyes. If I see even a hint of disgust or rejection or anything along those lines, I know that I'll break. No, I'll shatter. Jace holds such a huge part of me, and loving him the way I do is dangerous. He has the power to either heal me or ruin me and that terrifies me greatly. Being broken anymore than I am will push me to the point where I know there's no coming back. There's no fixing me if I'm broken again.

Suddenly, my train of thought is cut off by a weight that has appeared on top of me. My eyes flash only to see Jace hovering above me, tears sparkling in his eyes and a loving smile on his face.

"I've really hurt you lately, haven't I?"He whispers, smile faltering.

I don't answer, and instead just glance away so that I don't have to see that pain in his eyes anymore.

"All those things you just described, I-I feel like that too," Jace's voice trembles this time.

I bite my lip to force back my tears of happiness coming on over what I'm hearing, but it doesn't stop them from trickling down anyway. "You shouldn't though, I'm--I'm broken and complicated and difficult and I can't be normal like-"

"-shut up, you're perfect."

Then, I'm silenced by his soft, sweet lips finally being pressed to mine.