*Picture on right is Leah*

July 17, 2009

I'd like to say that the first week was easy and wonderful and relaxing, but then I'd be a liar. I may have finally gotten to come home, and of course I'm beyond happy to be able to sleep next to Jace every night like I've been dying to, but it has not been easy by any means.

In the ward, I was on a semi-strict schedule. I woke at a certain time, ate at a certain time, got out and walked around at a certain time, and I went back to bed at a certain time. Being back home, I found that keeping myself in check was a lot harder than I thought. I slept a lot at first and I had issues with eating again, but Jace helped me through each meal just as he'd done in the ward. I found that even though I was on my meds, the lack of consistency and patterns made my anxiety worsen for a bit. I felt weird and brutally exhausted. Jace almost called the doctor and I assured him I was fine and I was, because after that rough week, I felt like I was finally improving.

I've had only one panic attack after a nightmare and I've managed to keep down all my meals even if once or twice I hardly ate much. Regardless, I eat something and it stays down and I keep the weight I've gained in the ward on my bones and I'm happy to see that I can no longer see my ribs so much. My throat no longer raw from constant puking, and overall, I just felt better.It's strange, because eating and just looking at myself used to disgust me, but now it's slowly becoming bearable. The bitter voice in my head is slowly being quelled by a louder voice; one that sounds an awful lot like Jace and tells me only positive things.

"Here, take my coat. It's a little chilly this morning," Jace tells me as he drapes his jacket over my shoulders.

I smile at him gratefully and let him take my hand and lead me out of the house. After a long week, he decided last night that he wants to bring me out to breakfast and by that, he means walk across town with me on his arm to show off his new boyfriend. While my self-conscious side cringes at being in public,another part of me is over-joyed that Jace is proud to be dating me and actually wants to show me off. Me!

We finally make our way into the downtown section of our little city and I can't help but smile as people wave at Jace and I and eye the way his arm is around my shoulder. Someone else might've been embarrassed, or nervous that people will mock them or hate on them. Not me, though. I've faced just about everything and in all honesty, I just don't care anymore. I may not have admitted it yet, but I love Jace with all my heart. I'm not ashamed of him or the love we share, so screw everyone else and their opinions, I'm going to flaunt the amazing man I'm proud to call my boyfriend.

"You don't have to bring me somewhere so expensive for breakfast, Jace. Really, I'm fine with Starbucks, or the little cafe down the road, honestly!" I insist, feeling bad as he pulls me into one of the most expensive brunch buffet restaurants in town.

"Nonsense. You're beautiful and amazing and perfect, so you deserve nothing but the best. Plus, I begged grams to help me get reservations here and I am not passing up the opportunity to try snooty rich people food," Jace tells me,smiling widely and looking overly excited.

He's adorable, I think to myself.

It's as we're jogging up the stairs to the restaurant that Jace pulls to a stop, holding the door handle for support while he coughs rather hard into his arm. I look at him in confusion and hurry to his side to rub his back soothingly.

"Are you okay?" I ask in concern.

He nods quickly and smiles at me in a warm way that makes my cheeks glow with embarrassment. He quickly stands up,taking a deep breath and wraps his arm back around my shoulder and guides me up to the waitress' podium to be brought to our table. A friendly guy with an overly cheerful smile leads us to a table and says he'll be back to take our order momentarily. I don't pay attention to the menu and just study Jace, still kind of concerned about his random coughing fit.

"I'm fine, Kai. I haven't slept much since you first went to the hospital and all this rain lately on top of that, I'm probably just getting a cold," Jace tells me,leaning over to give my cheek a reassuring and sweet butterfly kiss.

I let it drop and turn my attention to the list of food options. Everything looks so fancy and complicated or they're in freaking french! The hell? How would a non-french speaker order this? It's like 'welcome, order what you want, but if you can't decipher the menu, hope you enjoy playing guess that dish!'I slouch in my seat with a light sigh feeling a little stupid.

Just as I'm about to ask Jace for help,he giggles and groans, "This is impossible. Can't they just write straight up pancakes or omelettes? I mean, what even is Eggs Benedict? Is it supposed to be named after Benedict Cumberbatch? Is it eggs that look like him!?"

I burst out laughing and Jace grins at that and tries to hold back, but his snickers soon turn to chuckling and then he's outright laughing with me. Half the restaurant gives us dirty looks, but we just ignore them and keep laughing until our giggles finally subside and we're smiling like fools, cuddled up together in the small booth and ordering two eggs Benedict just to find out what the hell they are.

"I think this is the first time I've enjoyed being out in public and just... not given a single fuck what everyone is thinking about me," I admit, resting my head on Jace's shoulder while his thumb brushes soft circles along the palm of my hand.

"That's wonderful, baby! I want you to be comfortable with you are and I want to see you be confident and happy," Jace tells me, sighing blissfully when I intertwine our fingers and give his hand a light squeeze.

The rest of lunch passes like that. The two of us content and happy and oddly disappointed that the eggs Benedict did not actually look like Benedict cumberbatch. After we eat and Jace pays without letting me see, meaning it was obscenely expensive, we make our way down the street, hand-in-hand and enjoying the first clear and sunny day in over a week.

"I have a few places I need to go today, but if there's anywhere you-" Jace says, pausing to cough into his sleeve before continuing. "If there's anywhere you want to go, we can do that first."

I look at him, feeling guilty that he's getting sick because he hasn't cared for himself properly,apparently more concerned with my well-being. The stupid, lovable,moron. I smile sadly though and nod. "Yeah, actually... I owe Leah a visit. I hadn't expected this first week to be so exhausting,and I never got around to visiting her like I promised."

He nods, thinking about it and then smiles, "We'll give her a nice surprise! She might be a little down since you didn't show, so let's bring her something nice that will maybe make her smile?"

I feel my heart swell seeing how sweet and kind Jace is. He doesn't even know Leah, nor does he understand her problems, but he's willing to go out of his way to help her,simply because he knows it's important to me. That this small, broken girl, means something to me. I half expected him to get jealous in all honesty--I mean, I would probably be worried he'd fall for this person he's helping. That's not him though, because he's truly just a beautiful soul, and he trusts me. With good reason too, because no matter how much time I spend with Leah, or anyone else, no one will ever capture my heart like Jace has. I'm his and he's mine and that'show it's meant to be. How I want it to be.

"I think she'd like that," I tell him, and then chuckle to myself. "Or, she'll give us some sassy spiel about how we're just guilty liars trying to buy her forgiveness."

Jace smirks and nudges me, "She's quite blunt and just a little bit jaded.. she's a lot like you in that way."

He's right, I suppose. Maybe the term kindred spirits isn't just complete bullshit after all. I do see a lot of myself in this girl, maybe that's why I feel I can get through to her, help her like Jace helped me, because I know in my heart no one else will do it for her. Not even her.

An hour later we're walking down the hall to the nurse's station and a very happy looking Jo is skipping over to us and pulling me in for a tight hug. I stiffen in shock fora second, but quickly relax and hug her back, actually happy to see her.

"Oh Kai, you look so good! How'sit feel being home? Are you eating right? Three square meals a day?Are the pills still working? Jace better be treating you like gold!"She gushes, looking me over once, twice, and three times.

I chuckle and back away from her to breathe, "Thank you, Jo. It's all good, I promise. I'm doing really well and Jace is being wonderful."

Anyone could have instantly felt the happiness radiate from Jace at my compliment and that's enough to make me glance at him and meet his bashful smile with a wide, happy grin of my own.

"I'm actually here to see Leah,how is she?" I ask, and frown when Jo's mood instantly plummets.

A sigh escapes her and I instantly know she's about to say something bad, "She's not doing well, Kai. Her parents still haven't come and her brother is having no luck in getting her to talk to him. She's hardly eating and she keeps scratching at her arms. Erik is trying to get her to talk about things, but she just gives sarcastic answers and completely brushes him off... I'm getting scared for her."

I take a deep breath to calm my self and close my eyes. I know how you feel, Leah--god do I know how you feel. She just needs someone to give her a reason to try, someone who will prove to her that not everyone isn't going to leave her in the dark. I know what it's like, to think 'why bother getting better when I'll just be alone in the end anyway. No one cares about the broken child.'

"Can I see her?" I ask, voice quiet, but determined.

Jo nods and gestures for me to follow her as she leads us down to Leah's room. When we get there the door is partially cracked and Jo gestures for me to walk in first.Something in my stomach lurches and I suddenly have a really bad feeling. Without another moment's hesitation, I rush inside, but the room is empty and I feel I may be sick.

When I turn back to Jace and Jo they both look confused, looking down the hallways as if she'll be right back. I don't know why, or maybe I do, but I know better than to sit and wait. My feet are already pounding against the floor as I rundown the halls. I feel Jace and Jo following me, yelling out my name and asking what I'm doing, but there's no time. Something tells me I need to hurry.

I make it to the girl's washroom and as I suspected, it's locked. "Leah! Leah, it's Kai. C'mon hun,please unlock the door."

I hear a gasp and crying on the other side, "Go away, just leave me be!"

Jace and Jo have caught up now and I hear Jo's gasp as she realizes what's happening. I don't pay them any attention though and just keep hitting the door, pushing on it,anything to try and make it give way.

"Don't do it, Leah! Please! Come on, whatever you're doing, just--just stop, okay? Talk with me? I really want to talk again, like before. We don't have to talk about this at all, we can just talk about random useless shit again,okay?" I plead as calmly as possible.

Jo has run off in search for a key, but I'm afraid there isn't time. Jace is standing there, eyes as wide with worry and fear as I'm sure my own are. I signal for him to take over talking while I search for something to open the door with.

"Leah? Hey, I-I'm Jace. I'm Kai's boyfriend. Look... I know things are really hard right now, but listen to him, sweetie. You must be pretty special to have earned a spot in his heart and I'd really like to get to know someone so special." Jace says, making my heart melt.

I open door after door, searching rooms for something, anything that might help me. These stupid hospitals have safety proofed so much that there's nothing to help in these situations! Why would they even have locks on the doors where there are suicidal patients who might seclude themselves and try to attempt again!?

"Special? Please. My friends all hate me, my parents are ashamed of me, my own brother can't even look me in the eye. What's so special about me? Huh!? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! I don't want to do this anymore! I'm so done!" Her sobs break my heart more and more each second and the adrenaline is making my heart pound hard against my chest.

Just as I'm about to give up the search, I find an open janitorial closet. Quickly, I rummage through the shelves until I find a toolbox and a small crow bar. It'll have to do, there's nothing else big enough or strong enough to pry the door open and the door doesn't have any visible screws to undo. So,with the crowbar in hand I ran back down the hall to find Jace frantically knocking on the door.

"What is it? What's going on?"I ask out of breath.

"She stopped answering me!" His eyes are wide with fear and I don't waste any time putting the bar between the door and the frame and begin pushing and shoving as hard as I can.

It hardly budges the door at first and it just seems to be warping, even with Jace helping. Dammit, where the hell is Jo with that key!? There is no time for this. I step back, taking Jace with me and with all the might and force I have in me, I slam my foot against the bar wedged in the door, causing a loud crack to echo through the halls as the lock breaks and the door opens slightly.

Jace shoves the door open and we step inside just in time to see Leah about to cut her arm--yet again. Between her wrist and elbow is a cluster of shallow cuts. Her eyes meet mine and I can feel all the sorrow and guilt as she drops the blade and slumps over against the wall crying.

I run to her and pull her into my lap, trying to console her while Jace gathers a bunch of paper towel, wadding it up and gently pressing it to her arm to staunch the blood flow. She keeps muttering something that sounds like an apology, but she is crying too hard for any of it to make sense.

I turn to the blood drenched girl in my lap, tears streaming down my face, "Shh. It's going to be okay. You're going to be alright. You're going to get fixed up and I'm never going to break another promise to you. I'll visit all the time, and I'll bring you things to cheer you up and I'll bring Jace sometimes, and I'll bring my friend Zoe so you can meet her, too. I'll show you that there is good, that there are people who care, Leah. I care, I promise; We all care."

I feel her body tremble and look down to see her tear filled eyes staring up at me, a faint bitter smile on her lips, "I just couldn't take it anymore, Kai. I was so tired of feeling alone, I needed out of my head."

I sniff and wipe at my tears so they won't fall on her, "You're not alone anymore, okay? I'm here for you, Jace is here for you. Believe it or not, everyone in this building is, too. I'm not going to abandon you, I promise."

She nods weakly and just slumps against me. It is at that moment that Jo and another nurse rushes in and helps Leah to her feet and guide her out to have her arms cleaned up and bandaged. Poor girl, she's going to be here even longer now that they think she's unstable.

Jace and I say nothing as we walk back to Leah's room to wait for her. I sit on her bed and look out her window, thinking about everything and anything. The fear that hits me when I imagine what I could have found on the other side of that door is so profound that I begin to tremble.

"I was so scared... I was so scared I was going to be too late," I whisper to Jace, who climbs onto the bed next to me and wraps his arms around my waist, looking out the window over my shoulder.

"But, you weren't. Don't think about what could have happened. Point is, you were there for her just in time," He whispers softly in my ear.

"I couldn't save my mom, Jace. I can't let anything happen to Leah... I refuse to let anyone else die knowing I can prevent it."

We're quiet again for a while until Jace starts coughing again, telling me he's fine, but his voice is hoarse and and I can tell it hurts him a little. Now, guilt really is eating at me. I hope he isn't getting too sick because of me. The idiot needs to put himself first every now and then, jeez.

"If you want to head home and rest, that's okay," I tell him, rubbing his back gently.

He shakes his head and clears his throat, "No, no. I'm fine, just this cold. I'll be okay until we get home, love."

I accept that, although still feeling concerned, but I smile and cuddle up to him as we wait for Leah. The smile refuses to leave my face as I think about how happy I've become since Jace walked into my life. Now that we're dating especially. I love all the endearing names he calls me, the way he holds me so sweetly and even casually. The way he says my name. Everything he does is perfection in my eyes and although the fear of voicing it still holds me back, I know I am so deeply in love with this man.

**

"What if everything you see right now is just a hallucination caused by inhaling oxygen?" Leah asks randomly.

"Would that be why we black out when we stop breathing?" I shoot back with a grin.

"Guys, stop making me question my existence!!" Jace sighs, laughing at our odd conversation.

Leah lays with her head on the pillow, while I lay at the opposite end with my head in Jace's lap as he sits at the end with his back against the wall at the foot of the bed. We have all been tossing random questions around, mostly Leah and I with our weird ways of questioning the universe. In all honesty, it's been one of the best conversations I've had in a long time.

"Sorry love, can't help it. Questioning everything in my life sort of comes with the existential crisis package," I say nonchalantly, receiving a thumbs up from Leah.

"Speaking of packages, have you guys fucked?" Leah asks as if it's the most casual question in the world.

Both Jace and I sputter and I have to smack his back as he coughs a crap ton again. Leah actually smiles at our reaction and I find my face becoming very hot, clearly becoming a very unattractive shade of red. I don't even want to look at Jace's face, this is so awkward!

"Uh--we--no! I'm--er, we haven't...no," I stutter out.

"Aw. You're blushing, that's adorable," Leah teases, nudging my cheek with her foot.

I grimace and push her foot away, "Am not! We just... haven't."

"And there's no need to rush things," Jace adds, hand secretly giving my shoulder a comforting squeeze.

Leah rolls her eyes and then closes her eyes, "I don't get the whole 'wait for the perfect moment' thing. You guys like each other, there's clearly sexual tension. What's holding you back, really? The whole sex thing confuses me, in all honesty. There's so many rules! It should be between man and woman! You shouldn't do it before marriage! Having sex too soon makes you a slut! Too late, you're a prude. Like really? Sleep with who you want. When you want. Whenever you feel you want sex, I say go for it. There's nothing like feeling intimate with someone. It's a beautiful thing and face it, it's a hell of a lot of fun. I think people need to chill out and just have fun, you know? Just use protection dammit, be smart about it."

I'm kind of shocked by her sudden rant, but I agree in a way, "You have a point. But, I guess it's different for everyone. For me... I guess intimacy scares me. I mean, I'm terrified just letting someone into my life enough that they can hurt me. To go that far? To expose myself in such a way? It's hard for me, I guess."

"Which is why I will not pressure you, baby," Jace says sweetly, leaning down to press a kiss to my forehead.

"Blegh. Get out of here lovebirds, I've got a therapy session soon anyway and then Jared's coming, so I'm guessing you don't really want to see him," Leah says, voice taking on a monotonous tone.

I frown for a moment, and then throw on a grin, "Okay, but I'm coming to visit you tomorrow and I'm bringing my laptop so I can show you this hilarious new anime! Trust me, if anything will brighten your day, it will be that."

She doesn't reply, just shrugs and gets off the bed to go and pull out new clothes from her little bag her brother must have brought her.

"I promise, I'll be here, "I say as I walk out the door.

I stop outside of the room, waiting for Jace to join me when I hear his quiet voice speak to Leah, "If there's anyone in the world you should trust, it's Kai. If he makes a promise, believe me he'll go to the ends of the earth to keep it. He cares about you... and I do, too."

Leah once again remains quiet and a second later Jace joins me in the hall and smiles brightly at me. "Ready to go?"

I smile at him warmly and wrap him up in my arms, sighing happily at how wonderful he feels against me. He's so perfectly lovely. How I got so lucky is beyond me, because I know for certain that I didn't do anything in my life to deserve such perfection, but I am forever thankful.

"Yeah, let's get out of here," I tell him, switching to holding his hand. "Oh! Can we have another movie night? A-And cuddle?"

He grins at that, "Yes, and definitely."

***

After a pleasant dinner with Grams and a lovely movie night, Jace and I pass out around midnight, curled up in each others arms in his room. However, the feeling of something stirring around me has me squinting my eyes at the clock in front of me. It reads Three fourty-seven. What on earth?

I roll over in bed to see Jace, face flushed and sweaty, thrashing as though he's having a nightmare. Instantly, I pull the covers off of him and see that he's sweating badly and one touch to his face proves that he has a terrible fever.

Gently, but firmly, I shake his shoulder to rouse him from sleep, but he keeps thrashing. It's not until I give him a rougher shake that he startles awake with a gasp and goes into a coughing fit. He attempts sitting up, but his arm gives up and I have to pull him up myself.

"Jace? Are you okay? You're burning up?" I stammer out nervously.

He gives me a weak smile and kisses my forehead, "No, baby. Go back to sleep. I'm just going to go to the washroom and take something. I have a really bad immune system, so it's just a bug. It'll pass."

I nod, still eyeing him warily as he stands up. It does not go unnoticed that his legs tremble under his weight as he tries not to stumble from the room and into his bathroom. I can hear him rummaging through cabinets and then the sound of him throwing up. I want to go help, but I don't know how, and I know he'll tell me the same thing over and over. I'm fine, it's okay.

I really hope he gets better soon. I'm sure it's nothing serious. Jace even said so and he's never lied to me.

With that comforting thought in mind, and blissful memories of the wonderful day I've had with him, I let myself drift back into a deep sleep, unable to stay awake any longer. I can worry tomorrow. Today, I'd relish in this rare bit of happiness. 

~Shay<3