I don't have perfect memory of this. Perhaps it is locked somewhere deep, nestled safely where it can't hurt me. I remember enough to write about it. The numbers in this memory could be off, and I know I can't remember dates.

In memory of the child we lost. You will be loved and never forgotten until the day your mommy and daddy join you in heaven.

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You were unnamed, not even given the chance to live. When mommy and daddy found out that you existed, we were beyond words. Beyond happy. After trying for so long, you finally became real. Mommy wanted nothing more than to have you; she had been trying for over a year to conceive you.

At first, daddy was skeptical. He feared the responsibilities of fatherhood. He didn't feel he was worthy to raise a child. In his mind, he needed a more secure financial future to have a child. None of that mattered when we went to the free clinic and saw you on that monitor.

You were so tiny, just at the right stage where we could see you. Your little heartbeat nonexistent, yet seeing you proved your existence. It proved that despite the odds of you coming to being--you were. By the size of you, we were told that you were around 5 weeks. To mommy, that didn't add up.

She knew you were conceived before then. You had to be at least 13 weeks. She felt you before then. It had to be true. Who was I to disagree with mommy? I didn't feel what she felt; yet despite your age seemingly off, we were overjoyed.

Mommy immediately started taking prenatal vitamins. She started eating better and trying to live happier. She wanted you to live happily. We both did. It didn't matter how poor we were, you were going to grow up happy.

Time continued to go by, a natural occurrence. Mommy was working at Target and was constantly buying things for you on clearance, that added with her 15% discount gave her amazing deals. Mommy was always good at doing that kind of thing; mommy was always strong.

Mommy was daddy's rock. She meant everything to him. Although daddy has a hard time showing it, he needed her. Living without mommy wasn't living. Every breath away from mommy wasn't worth breathing. There was no light that transcended mommy's incandescent glow.

Mommy was struggling a lot though. Her job treated her like absolute garbage. The woman that was so loving and nurturing to you and daddy meant nothing in the world of business. She was struggling to stand at work, which wouldn't have been an issue had she worked in the area she was supposed to.

You see, Target is a large scale store that sells numerous items for not so unbeatable prices. Mommy had once worked in the Pharmacy there, but had lost that position before you were even thought of. She went back to cashiering, something she despised from the bottom of her heart. With that came her joy, Guest Service.

Of course calling it joy is an overstatement, because mommy hated that job. Mommy hates having to deal with the public. Greedy, rude, uncaring, sadistic, perverse, and most of all self entitled individuals that thought because they didn't work at this job that they could control the employees. Mommy isn't one to let anyone control her.

She would call off days to escape this, but it wasn't enough. The stress of having to go back there lingered even when she wasn't there. She tried to take her mind off of it, but she couldn't. Seeing daddy did make her happy. You also made her happy. That didn't stop the cage she was in from shrinking and ensnaring her in the greed of corporate America. 

Daddy didn't have to live in such a small cage. He remembers going to work with the news of being a future father--he was already a father because you existed. He couldn't help but tell everybody he saw the news. It didn't matter if they were a stranger, that was his topic and the only topic that mattered.

At first, daddy wanted you to be a boy. Mommy of course wanted a little girl. Daddy remembers telling mommy, "but what if the poop goes in her vagina? It would be weird cleaning that out." Mommy could do nothing but roll her eyes at daddy for thinking of something so moronic.

Daddy used to be much happier back then. He was always smiling and always overly hyper. People often felt defensive around this happiness, which was an odd ordeal in itself. Stress could never reach that man, he was beyond the sun. Mommy often got frustrated with daddy because he couldn't take anything serious.

Daddy soon came to the realization that he didn't mind what your gender was. Boy . . . Girl . . . Those meant nothing if you weren't healthy. The thought of having a daddy's girl made daddy happy; not sure whether mommy knew this or not. Still, daddy and mommy were proud to know that you were there.

Mommy got to celebrate her first Mother's Day that year. She was a mother because of you. The fact remains that by Father's Day, you were gone. Mommy was worried though.

She had spotting, and that wasn't a good sign. Daddy remained positive, daddy was ignorant. He kept telling mommy everything was going to be okay: "Everything will be fine." "We love them, so nothing can go wrong."

Everything wasn't fine! No matter how positive daddy's outlook was, nothing was okay! And daddy, just a fool for allowing himself to think that all these signs meant nothing! Mommy was tortured by this daily, yet daddy allowed himself to live in bliss! Daddy was an idiot!

He had no way to comfort mommy in her time of need. "Everything will be okay." Those words will forever taunt daddy. Those words came from a man that had no right to make that distinction. That happiness daddy felt soon became torment; aggressive anger toward the world, toward the being daddy called God. Daddy could do nothing but blame everything around him for the lack of control he had over the situation.

Daddy took mommy to the doctor and the doctor had no empathy for mommy. He made it sound like it was no big deal to lose you. Before that, mommy desperately sought help and none of the nurses cared. None of the nurses would give her advice or help her. So when she was told the baby was gone, it made it that much harder. Mommy was alone during this time because daddy couldn't comprehend what was going on. 

Daddy had to stay strong for mommy. 

Mommy felt that daddy was being insensitive to this. He took her to the hospital to get a DNC to make sure that you couldn't harm mommy. You were already lost at this point. Mommy was completely broken and so was daddy. But daddy stayed strong in front of mommy. That was what he had to do. We finally got the call to go to the surgery and daddy drove mommy. "Everything will be okay." Those haunting words still being said. 

Daddy and mommy waited in the waiting room for a bit and watched as a girl came in with a hurt wrist that apparently required surgery. Mommy was bleeding profusely and yet, this girl who was with a mother and father that were all smiles got to go ahead of you. We were in the waiting room while she got to go back before us. Finally, mommy got to go back and daddy had to wait in the waiting room. 

Daddy sat on his phone and waited. He made some calls and there was no sympathy for mommy. Daddy wasn't the one that deserved the sympathy, but he was utterly broken. That positive attitude he kept in front of mommy was fake. All for the hope of her feeling better about this entire ridiculous engagement. 

Daddy finally got to go back to mommy and she was laying in a bed. We were in another waiting area—waiting for mommy to get called for her surgery. We waited until the point that they turned the lights out on us! A cleaning girl had to call someone to get us because mommy wasn't important to them. She is bleeding out, and we were down there in the dark! 

Mommy had her surgery and you were gone. 

One thing daddy remembers while we were in the "second waiting area" was a nurse asking us if we wanted a death certificate for you. Daddy said no, not knowing how to respond. Daddy and mommy had no idea how to handle that. That was another thing that haunts daddy. Letting you go without even giving you a name. We didn't need a gender for you to name you! Even though it isn't documented, mommy and daddy did name you. Mommy KNEW that you were a girl, so you were named Kira. 

Kira, mommy and daddy will forever and always love and miss you. You will be remembered and thought about until the day mommy and daddy come and join you in heaven. 

Daddy will always love you Kira. 

I will always love you.