There's this inspirational crap that floats around the internet, talking about treating the woman in the mirror with more respect. No, I never had the bubbly personality to post things like that. I was never so hard on myself that the cutesy little sunsets attached to these blurbs uplifted me. I generally like myself, today, and that girl in the past was a dumbass who thought she was so smart. But I owe everything to that dumbass, and I wish I could see her face, to tell her that.

To see that girl, I'd have to go back to about 2015. She wouldn't believe a thing I'd tell her, especially not that she could trust her husband. And I've changed so much that I don't think she'd see me as herself. Seriously, I'd get arrested for stalking or something because there's no way I'd pass for me as a kid.

I don't intend to insert myself into my origin story like this, much. There are times when it's going to be necessary-mostly to note some pack traditions or assert that I was once again a dumbass. That, and any trigger warnings are by my hand.

~~~
February 16th, 2015

"I bet you I can sleep with any girl in this school." A lanky blonde with a long crew cut was wildly gesticulating in the halls.

If I cut out a decent pic of abs, that would make a good cover to get people to pick up the pamphlet. I'm definitely going to get a shot of a carrot between my boobs for the interior pic...Nathaniel? Oh, shit. I barely registered who he was out of all these idiots before my brain caught up with what was said. I should have noticed the tall, broad backs in front of me long before he spoke, so I wouldn't have to hear them.

But my mind was on getting other girls to quit crying their woes out on my locker, so I could get to class in time. It was his fault in the first place. I wouldn't be this late if he'd quit setting off everyone.

Moving out from behind them was going to expose my unintentional eavesdropping. I did slow down a step or two, but not far enough to miss out on the conversation. They made such an easy wake to wallow in while I tried to figure out what I was going to do. If he hadn't broken up with Regina this morning, I would have just passed their asses. These boys are getting bored.

That was never a good thing for a girl who is trying to keep a low profile. If they don't normally get your attention, that's the type who they bet on. Those who pay too much attention to them are like chum in the water. And don't get me started on the fangirling done the rest of the time. That type was always a breakneck competition on both ends. I couldn't imagine drooling over a guy who acts like that, let alone a whole crayon box's worth.

I wouldn't be any better than them. After all, this brochure of the "services of N. Idiot H." is going to treat this dope like a stud service.

Although maybe Nathan's hands would be worth it.

Maybe...

Seriously, the dude's got hands the size of a dinner plate. Only thing scarier is spiders that size.

Scary, my ass. Only thing they have in common is how hard my heart pounds when seeing them.

Ok, so I fangirl a little bit. It's only his hands, I swear. The rest of him can go vacation in hell, for all I care. I mean, we're growing up in a hookup culture. It shouldn't be a part of a girl's tricks to catch anything but a good time from that sex-addled boy.

Oh, God, sex-addled hands...My internal monologue may make my day less boring but it was running ripshod over Nate's shadow, Barlen, as he suggested different girls. It wasn't me, so I didn't care.

Damn, the biggest problem with getting involved with these guys isn't that you get laid and left. That's normal. If I could guarantee that outcome, I'd have hit on him-a couple of them, already. It's that it would be everyone's business...and we'd crowd my locker, trying to get me to cry over him when I have a paper to turn in. I just want out of school, out of this boring town with its scary people.

I could be like Belle: these bitches be provincial.

There were less noticed guys I would have at least gone on a date with if I thought they could keep their mouths shut. I know a few false rumors about me already, and I've been a good girl. I stay home; I do nothing, and I certainly as hell don't have anything as exciting as a boyfriend.

I tried to tune things out, to get back into my layout. The rating Reggie gave Nate this morning, what was said about Barlen yesterday could be swiped...Oh! Let's get the Janitor pissed... Damn, now everyone in the hallway is pretending to not notice Nathaniel. Nosy bitches wanna see who falls this time. Why do they pay attention to this one out of the dozens who are like this? He's just some big dumb blonde.

Blondes aren't pretty. They often fade away. So not into blondes.

It was the redhead that objected-Stephen? "We've been through this with dozens of girls. The easy lay, the popular lay, the ones plain running from us, the ones who are obsessed with another guy," He dropped his voice lower and shook his hands in front of his chest like he had a bra to adjust, "even the one that hides in the library that Grant kept calling The Hunchback of Notre Dame. We are getting too old for betting on sex."

I like this guy. Well, not the gesture. Hunching over because of big boobs is mean to pick on. I feel for her. But I would have saluted him right then and there over that newfound maturity, except, well...I'd get Nate, not Steve. Anyway, he at least used his brains for more than dick augmentation as the son of the previous generation's most notorious. That man is still a flirt and hot as fuck. Having parents that are worse than you-like Stephen's dad-can force you to be responsible when you don't want to grow up. I knew that problem all too well. We were like siblings of misery.

"Well, we don't have much to do until the cycle starts again." The blonde shrugged, showing a restlessness that spoke of energy beyond the others.

Perhaps he would shift soon? My hopes skyrocketed for a brief moment. The sooner they ascended, the sooner they mate, the less of them taking over the school with their stupidity will hinder me. I won't matter once they have their own chew toys.

It's rare for a werewolf to cheat once engaged-not impossible, but they're a bit like storks who like to pair for life. They're also aggressively sexual, so the move to ascension is a very confusing time. They must be taught self-control, early. This generation was not disciplined.

Any day now, these guys would sprout hair and howl at the moon with pointy little teeth that could send shivers down any woman's spine. Holy hell, there's something to rival those damn hands.

Should I decorate the edges of the paper with fangs, or is that going too far?

Only three were guaranteed if the Goddess had mercy on humans. The first to shift, to find their mate, and to breed-the rest of the box of crayons wasn't needed. No one knew how this batch would turn out, but given how callous they were towards girls simply because they were bored did not scream good guys to me. This is why I planned on leaving after graduating. Fuck permission to leave. I had every intention of being out of here before the defecation hit the rotary oscillator. History didn't have to repeat itself, did it?

But are they proper bad boys? How can I tell until I take a stroll in their pants? No, shoes, damn, get the mind above the belt! Look, I'm not blind to the fact that I'm still having to talk myself out of misbehaving with them. Not even hyping their dangers stopped my drooling. I'm pretty jealous of these damn bets. Not that I'd ever say that to anyone. If I could just feel that safe and free...

The whole row of them slowed down to start arguing the merit of Stephen's complaint-I almost ran into one of them. My nose crinkled in disgust. Surely, there was still enough fresh meat out there for the grind. I had enough. Our teacher doesn't like to accept late papers without raising seven kinds of hell, and I ain't them to get away with it. She already hates me for getting into her class a year early and not being good enough to be the teacher's pet.

Fuck it, I have to go around. Just standing here is asking for it. I shifted my grip on my strap to hold my pack tighter so I could cross them when it slipped and tore open the cut I made in the palm of my hand with my hobby knife last night. I hissed as I stopped to check the damage and dreamed of a world without wolves. The wound would still be closed if they didn't exist.

Of course, it was Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome (didn't remember his name) who had to interrupt my daydream about getting away with it all...no, away from them all. "Just pick whatever bitch is behind us and be done with it. We've got a class to get to."

And damn them, if I wasn't behind them for the very same reason. The blonde oaf finally looked around his friend's beefy frame and noticed me, "Oh, hey, Rachel, long time, no see."

I decided to keep an impassive but pleasant face for this meeting, giving him a noncommittal, "Hi, Nathan." Did I titter?! Did I just fucking...Damn, I can't even pull off the look I want.

The implications of such a comment could go two ways: either we had a past together or we rarely had reason to be around each other. He's not chewed on me before and I was in every class of his, so neither is the case. How the hell have I gone unnoticed until now?! Probably part of why I didn't find this one so impressive-in part. Damned observant of you. Surprised you knew my name. Really screams I'm not attractive enough for you to notice, freak.

This guy rubs me the wrong way just as much as he turns me on! How do other girls deal with that?

He threw his arm over my shoulder as we walked towards class, draping one of those massive hands of his over my arm. Sweet Jesus, he has some mitts...hell, if he shook my hand, I'd chase him, forget a bet. Let me worship them a bit. "So...how about we go see a movie tonight?"

Classic offering of a date towards a girl who was never seen with a guy. How they manage to be that unaware, yet know these things at a moment's notice, I don't understand. If I had any boyfriends before this moment, he would have offered a janitor's closet right before lunch. Pretty rude, but worked too often for them not to try it. Lazy bastards. They could always walk it back if it backfires. I could count on one hand the number of times it caused a fight.

Speaking of which...

Fuck it, they're calloused idiots. "I'll think about it." I was quietly rubbing my palm, letting the sting remind me to keep my head. I was going to think about this because I certainly as hell couldn't think about the trick I'm going to play on him at the same time. How far did I want to go? I'm not unaffected by him. Do I know what I'm getting into?

But there wasn't much to think about. Resisting him for too long would bring out the primal hunting animal. God forbid I turn out to be an actual goddess-chosen mate to any of the guys. That's a fight. Fuck, everything's a fight. Fists for everyone!

What if I let them know what I really think? Rape, forced marking, death...if they are truly bad. Are they? This could be the worst they are, here at school, or there may be more lurking in the depths. I don't know them like that-never went to a single party.

I could well be my aunt all over again.

I don't know what these boys are being taught at home. All the rumors worry me. The one good thing I can say is I've never heard rumors of anyone being forced in the past few years. So, by reputation, they were just a pack of players...nowhere near a house of Wareros' conniving bastards.

Yet I still want to try them. Shifters should be phenomenal lovers, more of everything in a feisty package. And if I'm not one of their mates, I get the trial and am free to leave. The emotional damage wouldn't be mine, after all.

"Babe, if you take too long, we will have to plan for another day." Nate plastered a smile on his face, trying to hide his impatience. We were at the door of our classroom, adorned with an annoyed teacher.

I had already made my decision. What would they think of it? I'm going to be so out of character. I hoped that I could get this bet out of the way by the end of the day and get on with my life. "I'll have it figured out by lunch."

"You better." He growled this playfully and nipped at my ear before letting me go.

I took a deep breath, fighting against the urge to blush or melt into a puddle as I walked into my second period. Holy hell, he has more than hands!

I brushed mine against the entrance, causing me to wince before I made it to my seat-near the back, not far from these guys. I busied myself with pulling out my books and my paper, then switched over to pulling out my spare super glue to seal my punctured palm back together. Thankfully it wasn't weeping. It was enough to keep my eyes off everybody until the teacher was ready to ruin our day.

I couldn't keep my mind off of Nathaniel and my virginity. My thoughts kept chasing each other like wolves after the sun and moon. This wasn't real until I was picked out. The fact that I reacted at all gave an alarm of rapture. I don't think I can juggle lust, jealousy, shame, fear, and new at the same time.

But I knew that already-again, spanning back to my aunt. I'm told I'm much like her-not in looks, but in every other way that matters, and she loved men. It lead to chronic lectures, fears that I would be like her, and yes, the dreaded slut shaming. Hell, I was shamed without doing a damn thing. Might as well earn it.

It's kind of hard to find the time for sex when someone's screeching about whores in your face any time you look at a guy for more than a second. I'm lucky I'm not piddling like a nervous dog because Nathaniel looked at me. Spent too much of my childhood jumping at shadows.

Damn, another reason to avoid having a mate. I get to drag my father's screaming about sex into my relationships. I mean, to the point where I expected Dad to have a Spidey-sense going off and he'd come and check me out of school to go buy a chastity belt before I had time to enact my plan. A wolf might snap his neck if he kept trying to interfere.

God, I couldn't lose the weight of this shame fast enough. This damn bet wasn't even the main factor.

~~~

Fourth period finally ended and the blonde god bumped into me with that lazy smirk on his face-never really noticed the look before. But then, when has he ever looked at me? Every time I glanced at him today, I got a flash of those teeth. I guess it looked sexy, but I knew what these guys were. No matter that a nip gave me goosebumps, earlier, all I could think of was a true bite from a werewolf, something that would bind me to their world. I fought against shuddering-out of desire or fear, hell if I knew. As it was, my legs were shaking for what I was about to do to myself. He might as well have been a vibrator for the part he had in that reaction.

"Well?"

"I would love to go out tonight..." It wasn't hard to look nervous, with this change in plans. Hell, I was nervous. The trick was looking more interested than I'd ever felt in my life. I guess I'll have to lean on my natural embarrassment.

Then I saw the tension in him, that look of hunger as he thought I might reject him? His hands balled up as subtly as they could. Oh, shit, that's a turn-on. Not his looks or his status, but the power I held for one feebly brief moment. Sweet Baby Jesus, control yourself, girl.

One second I figured the whole of myself out. Figured out a hell of a lot of women, too. We crave approval and recognition through powerful people, not of our own work or worth, but of them deeming us worthy of their toil. It is primal, and it's so damned foolish. You can't steal who they are for yourself, even if you're together for life. So what if you're special to him (and you should be, if it's going anywhere)-are you special to yourself?

Who the hell am I kidding? I should be kicking myself, here.

Given how many girls don't see their own merits, it would be addictive. We need to work on being proud of our accomplishments-as they are, without qualifications or exceptions. Thankfully, I had pride in my own work, so it wasn't as devastating a feeling as it could have been, but that didn't do much to tame us. It was a thread to hold onto, not my salvation.

I had no problem responding to his mouth. It started before we fully got in the stupid closet, it didn't require removing all our clothes-just things hastily pulled out of the way. I thought it would hurt more instead of one uncomfortable moment before being high as hell. I bit him-human teeth, shirt in the way, so nothing of lasting importance, but the thought of claiming him before he could bite me sent me over the edge.

It appealed to his primitive side, as well. He wasn't that far behind me.

Breathless, we stood panting before he began detangling our bodies with those hands of his, helping me to right my shaky self. I couldn't get calm, at all.

And I hate to say it, but even without all the pressure I put on myself, knowing what I know now, I would choose to lose my virginity like this, any day. I enjoyed it far more than I should have.

Far more? Shit, when can I do him again?

You're just like your aunt. It was a common thought I had. I wondered idly if she obsessed over a tiny aspect of a man-well, huge, really-or if it was a total package thing.

I almost asked him how quickly he could get it up, again. We had enough time to do that quite a few times over if we were diligent. But I bit my tongue because that wouldn't get me free of Nathaniel. There was still a part of me that was asking why they had to be so loud about their bet that I was forced in on it from the beginning. I wish I could be innocent enough to beg for a second course.

They couldn't be this dumb, could they?

And what excuse did I have for my lackwit decisions? Could I pull this off? I couldn't even say my insecurities stemmed from how they behaved. I came in with my own baggage. That was the one thing that kept me on course. They couldn't save me from myself-in fact, they'd likely make it quite a bit worse.