Part One

September 24th

My Love,

Autumn is finally here. You always knew how much I loved autumn, apart from the dreary winter that would come right afterwards. Nevertheless, autumn had always been a sight to behold, the numerous colours the leaves turned before it bade its final goodbye to the twigs that held onto it so very dearly. I have always thought of autumn as the grand masterpiece of Mother Nature, the beauty of it incomparable to the sights summer and spring bring forth to us. It also reminded me of us, darling. How vibrant our love was, how heated our passion was and how very unexpectedly it all had ended. When I look out from my upstairs window, I see the trees, barren and without colour, braving the cold and harsh winter that is to come, in the mere hopes of spring. Ever since you had left me my life had been the same; barren, deserted and without life. At least, there was hope for the aridness of the trees but I cannot say the same for myself. Hope is a word alien to myself, for when I lost you, I lost all hope I had of a chance at happiness.

Couple of weeks back I met Savy, at the cosy little cafe' on Rothams Street, where you and I had met several times. Conversation flowed over coffee and warm cinnamon rolls. You know how Savy is, she would need at least an hour to whine about the monstrosity of motherhood. How she was on the brink of insanity, because the twins were giving her a hard time and that she might consider putting them up for adoption without informing Mark. One might actually think that she was serious but you can see how her whole face lights up at the mere mention of her babies. Motherhood truly is a battle between unconditional love and sanity. As usual, I did not have much to say and Savy knew that my life was as exciting as that of a nun residing in an abbey on the outskirts of a sleepy town. She casually slipped you into our conversation which I knew she was dying to do. She informed me that you were engaged and to be married next spring. She was looking at me quite intently, as she continued on to tell me that she met the happy couple at Lark's, while on her date night with Mark.

Savy expected me to say something. She expected some sort of emotional outburst but I had remained silent as if the news was of no importance to me. When many a years have been spent concealing one's true emotions, it eventually becomes second nature to oneself but behind the mask of indifference lay a heart that broke into tiny pieces. A heart that wept for the man who chose to desolate the love that was gifted to him so selflessly. I could not sleep that night, I wet my pillow with tears, I cried not understanding how you could spend years without saying a word to me. Was I that easily forgotten? Was the love that we shared so easily replaceable? The soul searing embrace of yours, the passion that ignited between us which had always left us reeling and wanting more. It was effortless, the passion, the amorous feelings that you invoked in me, the frustration and rage that I had felt every time there was distance between us. I simply could not help it. You were and always will be, my one true weakness. As ephemeral as it was, I was completely and helplessly enamoured by you.

I think it is best I stop here. I feel like I have divulged more than I intended to. You had disliked the talkative, over analysing side of me, didn't you? I remember what you told me, the very last time we spoke, before you walked out of my life forever. You were so angry and your words resonated with it. 'Rebecca, why can't you for once in your life just let certain things be?! Why is it so hard for you to just feel without overthinking every single moment of your life?!' I sat in stony silence, unable to speak or stop you, watching with tears brimming from my eyes, as you made your way out of the bustling cafe'. You never got to hear what I had to say and I will tell you exactly why I couldn't let certain things be as they were. You are the Will Gardner to my Alicia. As cheesy as it may sound, that is the most irrefutably undeniable truth my sweetheart.

You may not have noticed but there was a song that was playing in the background at the cafe', where my whole world had fallen apart. It goes like this...
'Did you ever want it?
Did you want it bad?
Oh My
It tears me apart
Did you ever fight it?
All of the pain, so much power
Running through my veins
Bleeding, I am bleeding'

I have listened to this song countless number of times and every single time my heart dies a little bit more, my beau, my cold little heart.

With all my love,
Rebecca