❛ I reach for me, but I'm not there. I always wonder why I'm here. It's fine, it's okay, I'll die anyway. ❜

SEASON 1, EPISODE 4
discomfort in a married state

NIKITA HAD JOINED the crew for dinner as Blackbeard had gone hiding, and Izzy was storming around in a rage, trying to find him. But, she also found this misfit crew interesting. They were weak and hardly pirates, but they had a charm other crews missed. And their friendly conversation passed around the table had her intrigued. Especially the newly realized discovery that their friend, Jim, was not a man.

⠀⠀⠀"We have a serious question to ask you," Wee John Feeney started, leaning down, so his head poked between Oluwande and Jim. "Are you a mermaid?"

⠀⠀⠀"I told you," Oluwande chuckled.

⠀⠀⠀"I'm not a mermaid," Jim stated simply over a mouth full of food.

⠀⠀⠀"Right, okay," Wee John Feeney agreed but wasn't entirely convinced. "No, but the way you said that was definitely kinda mermaid-y."

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, I heard it," Roach agreed with an excited nod.

⠀⠀⠀"That's what I was thinking," Frenchie agreed, his hands shaking as he pointed at Jim.

⠀⠀⠀Nikita smiled around her food, enjoying the loud conversation around her. Jim didn't seem pleased by the attention, but Nikita liked not being at the center of their prodding. Instead, she enjoyed sticking to the sidelines, listening, and waiting.

⠀⠀⠀"I'm not a fucking mermaid!" Jim shouted, slamming their hands against the table and standing so they towered over them. They looked ready to fight anyone who dared bother them with the mer-person claims again.

⠀⠀⠀"B-but you're a witch, right?" Frenchie asked, staring skittishly at Nikita, where she sat beside him.

⠀⠀⠀Nikita was scarfing down her small plate of food and dousing down wine as quickly as possible. It'd been a day or two since she last ate, having forgotten all that happened.

⠀⠀⠀Nikita looked up, realizing attention was back on her. She paused mid-bite, staring around the table in confusion.

⠀⠀⠀"What?" she asked.

⠀⠀⠀"I just asked—"

⠀⠀⠀"Has anyone seen Blackbeard?" Izzy demanded across the room, walking over to the table.

⠀⠀⠀He made sure to be his most intimidating self, shoulders straight and arms behind his back, and Ivan and Fang flanking his sides.

⠀⠀⠀None of the crew responded to him, tensing in their spots, and turned to look down at their plates.

⠀⠀⠀Izzy let out an annoying noise from the back of his throat. But then, he noticed her.

⠀⠀⠀"Nikita, what're you doing?" he asked between his teeth.

⠀⠀⠀"Eating," Nikita responded, raising her glass of wine and watching Izzy grow flustered over the brim.

⠀⠀⠀"Your father has gone missing, and you've let these... imbeciles believe they're not one misstep away from a gun in their mouths!" Izzy exploded, his face turning cherry red. "You don't get food when you've been invaded," he sneered at the crew. "You live at my pleasure! Back to work! Useless fuckin' fuckers!"

⠀⠀⠀Izzy, Ivan, and Fang left, and despite Izzy's terrifying threats, they couldn't give up on the gossip. With the door slammed shut, they all jumped to edge closer toward Nikita and Jim, a million thoughts racing between their minds.

⠀⠀⠀"Daughter?"

⠀⠀⠀"Blackbeard's?"

⠀⠀⠀"I like the name Nikita," Jim commented, the only one not hounding her with drama and questions. They also knew what it was like to not be a man, always being questioned on why they were what they were. Jim believed Nikita deserved a break from all that, even if it was only to take a breath.

⠀⠀⠀"Thank you," Nikita said with a thin smile. "I quite like Jim."

⠀⠀⠀Jim smiled, tugging the brim of their hat down in thanks.

⠀⠀⠀Black Pete sighed, leaning over his hands, as he claimed, "All I know is women are bad luck on ships. Historically."

⠀⠀⠀"That's a myth," Jim retorted, scrunching their face. Now, they were back at the chaos of the men around them.

⠀⠀⠀"Well, no, actually, science," Frenchie disagreed, pointing at his chest with a knowing expression. "Because women have crystals in their bodies, and the crystals attract demons. And the demons attract misfortune. Y'know the French call it—"

⠀⠀⠀Jim jumped over the table, their blade resting against Frenchie's throat as their teeth grit into place. Then, they growled, "I'm only gonna say this once."

⠀⠀⠀"Once is fine," Frenchie assured them, his voice going an octave higher.

⠀⠀⠀"I've been on this ship for weeks now, and we haven't crashed," Jim explained, looking over the crew with a pointed look.

⠀⠀⠀"Hm? We were attacked by the Spanish," Roach commented, dispelling Jim's claim.

⠀⠀⠀"Look, everyone, I'm gonna keep this very simple," Jim tried again, pulling a thin smile as they nodded. "You all know me as Jim, si?"

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, good ol' Jim," Oluwande agreed, helping convince the crew with his encouraging tone.

⠀⠀⠀"So, just keep calling me Jim. Huh, nothing's changed," Jim assured them, slowly sitting back in their seat. They looked over the crew noticing as they pointed out the few things Jim had used to trick them. "Except, I don't have the beard, and my—my nose is different, and I can speak now, yes. Anyone got a problem with that?"

⠀⠀⠀"Certainly not," Frenchie agreed.

⠀⠀⠀"It makes sense. Always liked Jim," the Swede agreed pleasantly.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah, good guy. Y'know, he's great," Frenchie agreed, his eyes flickering toward Nikita. "Although, I'm still not convinced she isn't a witch."

"OH, WHAT THE FUCK."

⠀⠀⠀Nikita had been surprised by her father's quick change in mood and strange ideas. However, when he walked up on deck with a frilly shirt and red pants, she couldn't help her shock. Blackbeard walked on his toes to stand in front of the crew, swirling the billowing sleeves around before bowing deeply.

⠀⠀⠀"Crew of the Revenge! Please, put your hands together, and welcome your brave, brave Captain..." Blackbeard introduced, rising and throwing his hands towards the door behind him. "Blackbeard!"

⠀⠀⠀A man walked out from the door, blonde hair coiffed to perfection, a childish grin pulling ear to ear, and Blackbeard's leather clothes on. He was confident in his walk but still looked out of sorts in the outfit, especially with his pasty skin gleaming with sweat muddled with makeup. His neck was red where the noose had held him up, which didn't help the matter. He looked particularly dead.

⠀⠀⠀"Clap," Blackbeard demanded.

⠀⠀⠀An awkward succession of clapping followed as commanded.

⠀⠀⠀"Hello, everybody! Yes, I am the legendary Blackbeard," the Gentlemen Pirate exclaimed, his chipper voice even more shocking against his appearance. "Ooh, ooh, and this is my new pal, Stede!"

⠀⠀⠀"Ooh, well, how do you do?" Blackbeard asked, feigning Stede's persona with a wide smile. Something odd working in Nikita's mind as she watched the two in confusion. Blackbeard never got along so well with anyone so quickly.

⠀⠀⠀"What is even happening right now?" Black Pete asked the question raging in all of their minds.

⠀⠀⠀"I know. Come on, you lot. Come on. Come on. Line up," Blackbeard called to them happily, waving them up. No one moved, still stunned by their interaction with the terrifying Blackbeard. His demeanor changed, annoyed no one was listening and sent a glare toward all of the crew. He then demanded sternly, "Line, line up. Line up and greet your Captain. He escaped the jaws of death."

⠀⠀⠀Everyone fell into line quickly before their necks were sliced in half. They greeted their new captain as if he was not their old one to appease Blackbeard. Nikita was the only one out of line, making her easier to spot. Blackbeard glared at her, then jutted his head for her to get in line. She frowned but did as he asked, not wanting to get into another cloud debacle.

⠀⠀⠀"Hello, I'm Blackbeard," Stede greeted with a wide grin as Nikita approached, holding his hand out to her.

⠀⠀⠀"Nikita, your daughter," Nikita greeted with a thin, awkward smile.

⠀⠀⠀"My...? What—" Stede began, faltering as he tried to process what she could mean. Then, he brightened and smiled again as he nodded. Oh, you mean Ed's."

⠀⠀⠀Nikita raised an eyebrow. Ed?

⠀⠀⠀"He told me about you," Stede continued with a sweet smile. "A little scary but a very good daughter... I'll be honest, you're a lot scarier than he made you out to be."

⠀⠀⠀"I get that a lot."

⠀⠀⠀Stede chuckled half-heartedly and nearly moved to say more when Izzy stormed his way toward Stede. Nikita quickly beelined out of the way, and Black Pete almost took her spot but was pushed out of the way by Izzy.

⠀⠀⠀Izzy grabbed onto the lapels of Stede's leather outfit and dragged him back into the ship. Nikita stared boredly at the two until the door slammed shut and she was left out of the drama once again.

THE SUN DIPPED behind the ocean. A blanket of fog laid over the sea and disguised their ship from the impending fleet of Spaniards. Blackbeard was a chaotic, unpredictable man of mood and nature, but he was smarter than them combined. Nikita could tell by the look on his face that he had known this would happen.

⠀⠀⠀Around them, the crew and Stede stared with wide eyes at the deck. The one most surprised was Izzy, staring with his mouth slung open and looking like he was kicking himself for not realizing sooner. Blackbeard passed him, scrunching his brows together with disappointment at Izzy.

⠀⠀⠀"This fog's as thick as stew. No one'll see us in this," Stede mused, his wide brown eyes flickering across the deck in wonder while a smile grew across his face.

⠀⠀⠀"This is why you do not doubt Captain Blackbeard!" Oluwande cheered, clapping his hands, and the rest of the crew joined with him. "Genius on the ship!"

⠀⠀⠀"Alright!"

⠀⠀⠀"Bravo!"

⠀⠀⠀"You knew this would happen," Stede realized, words light as a feather as his gaze found Blackbeard's. "How?"

⠀⠀⠀"Quite simple, really," Blackbeard said with ease, jumping on top of a barrel and crossing one leg over the other. "The color of this morning's sky coupled with the brisk westerly wind made me think we'd be safe. And then, the shape of the clouds confirmed it," he explained, winking at Nikita.

⠀⠀⠀"Frankfurters," Izzy muttered, the realization dawning on him.

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah."

⠀⠀⠀"Fuck me," Izzy muttered.

⠀⠀⠀"Izzy, I figured the fog would set in once the sea cooled around dusk," Blackbeard concluded, smiling as soaked in the impressed looks of the men around him.

⠀⠀⠀"'Cept, we're right in their path," Buttons exclaimed, staring across the ocean where the Spaniard's ship was still headed for them. Then, he turned back to Blackbeard with wholly terrifying eyes and continued, "They'll run smack into us."

⠀⠀⠀"Correct! On any other day. For it is September Second, and let the ocean current drift us into the warm embrace of safety."

⠀⠀⠀Everyone cheered, loudly clapping, and even Nikita allowed a sliver of a smile to pass her face. Then, however, Izzy's sour expression caught her attention and the smile faded.

⠀⠀⠀"Ed, it's... Ed, Ed, it's September First, boss," Izzy said quietly, almost afraid to correct his Captain. Unfortunately, the situation was too dire not to.

⠀⠀⠀"What's that, mate?" Blackbeard asked, turning to Izzy.

⠀⠀⠀"It's September the First."

⠀⠀⠀"Dick fuck, no, it's not," Blackbeard laughed loudly, brushing Izzy off with ease.

⠀⠀⠀"He's right," Lucius interrupted, looking nervously between the two while holding a large book. "It's the first. The full moon's tomorrow."

⠀⠀⠀Blackbeard stared at the strange man with wide eyes. It was one thing for Izzy to bring down the mood, but Lucius made it real. Nikita stared warily at her father, unsure what he would do next. It seemed he hardly knew either as he averted his gaze to the floorboards.

⠀⠀⠀"It's a leap year," Blackbeard said under his breath.

⠀⠀⠀"Leap year?" Stede asked his cheery voice like a blade through the tension. "Does that change things much?"

⠀⠀⠀"Yeah," Blackbeard told him, unfaltering from his gloomy state as he slid off the barrel. "We're goners."

⠀⠀⠀Blackbeard raised his eyes, stepped over to Nikita, and rested his hand on her shoulder. Then, he turned to the rest of the crew and gave them their final orders.

⠀⠀⠀"Those of you who can swim would be wise to do it now," he called to them. He darted his eyes to the side of the deck. Nikita shook her head. She wouldn't just leave him to die while she went on living. "C'mon, Nikki. Do your father a favor."

⠀⠀⠀"Not in a million years," Nikita said plainly. "Besides, I'd sink to the bottom of the sea."

⠀⠀⠀Blackbeard clicked his tongue and darted his eyes away with a frown.

⠀⠀⠀"Shit, we never did have that swimming lesson," Blackbeard muttered, shaking his head.

⠀⠀⠀"No, never did," Nikita sighed with a chuckle. The fact that she would die soon wasn't clicking just yet, but she could feel the hysterics cycle through her system. "Why don't I pour us a drink from that hundred-year-old bourbon I saw?"

⠀⠀⠀"Sounds lovely," Blackbeard told her with a smile. However, Nikita could see the heavy sadness beginning to weigh against him. His eyes were so large and round, peering back at her like she was the last thing he had.

⠀⠀⠀Nikita gave him one more smile before heading below deck, her father quick on her heels.

⠀⠀⠀"Where are you going?" Stede called behind them with haste.

⠀⠀⠀"The Captain goes down with the ship," Blackbeard answered him. "We're gonna get pissed."

⠀⠀⠀Blackbeard led the way through the small halls of the ship until they came to a stately door, filigree dancing around the wood with painted colors. Inside, the room was nearly the length of a ship with couches, desks, chairs, knick-knacks, and all sorts of other extravagant things. There was even a library lining one wall like you might find in a mansion.

⠀⠀⠀"This makes much more sense," Nikita noted, brushing her hand over the items set out on Stede's table. While the ship was handsome, none of it screamed Stede's exuberance or taste. His room was quite what Nikita imagined it might be.

⠀⠀⠀"Truly," Blackbeard muttered, finding the bourbon and pouring their drinks instead. He walked across the room once finished and handed her a glass. "Cheers."

⠀⠀⠀"Cheers."

⠀⠀⠀They both drank a glass within seconds before he was pouring again. Rather than keep the glass, Blackbeard switched to the whole bottle instead. Then, while only buzzed, he returned to their previous conversation.

⠀⠀⠀"I want you to listen to me," Blackbeard said suddenly, and with such force, Nikita didn't dare interrupt him. "I don't want you dying with me. When the Spaniards are insight, you're getting in one of the dinghies, and your paddling to safety, alright?"

⠀⠀⠀"I'll just climb the flag pole instead," Nikita retorted, raising a brow.

⠀⠀⠀"You think because I've got grays that I'm old," Blackbeard asked in a challenge, bouncing lithely between his feet as the alcohol started to kick in his more childish side. "I'm not. I'll snatch your hide before you can even reach the pole, and I'll toss you out myself."

⠀⠀⠀Nikita rolled her eyes, leaving him bouncing in the middle of the room to slump onto the couch. Blackbeard followed, stretching out against the cushions, and rested his legs on her lap. He had done it affectionately, but the point was made. He was pinning her, so if she tried to hide, she couldn't.

⠀⠀⠀"Ed! Ed, there you are!" Stede exclaimed, bursting into the room out of breath. He paused, panting, before continuing inside. "I'm Captain of this vessel. So, if you're going down with it, I am as well," he claimed, a tremor in his voice, but he did well to mask it.

⠀⠀⠀Ed sighed loudly but didn't protest. He could tell Nikita what to do, but not Stede. Especially with this being his ship.

⠀⠀⠀As Stede walked around the room, he brought a cloud of gloom stretching over them and thickening heavier. The realization began to strike them all that soon. This life would be nothing but a flicker.

⠀⠀⠀"Y'know, I thought I'd have a cooler death than this," Blackbeard sighed. Nikita could feel his stare itching her face, but she could hardly look at him. It was beginning to fill her, the nervousness and hysteria that came with being close to death. "Something like being eaten... eaten by a tiger or massaged to death by mermaids, or... belly-flopping into a volcano."

⠀⠀⠀Neither of his companions said a word. Nikita was reluctant to speak, and Blackbeard knew it. She was a child full of emotions she wouldn't release easily. So they pressed at every inch of her skin and spread until it was ready to tear with a destructive release.

⠀⠀⠀Blackbeard liked to imagine that Nikita was a happy child at one time before him. He couldn't bear to believe that she had been distraught, angry, and saddened by the world around her all her life. He only wanted to blame himself for the problems and not the childhood she lacked. Blackbeard had crossed her path when she was fourteen, and in those ten years, she had become a child of his own making. Repressed, rageful, no friends, only each other.

⠀⠀⠀Izzy, Ivan, and Fang were like a family out at sea, but the type that would turn on one another if a better offer came along. Not Nikita, though. She might not be his blood by birth, but she was right. Nikita would never leave him even when the ship was about to sink because he had made the wrong call.

⠀⠀⠀A few tears pricked at his eyes, and Nikita could feel the sting behind her own. Quickly, Blackbeard turned away from her to look at Stede and noticed the painting cradled in his hands.

⠀⠀⠀"What's that painting?" Blackbeard asked. The glare coming off the paint made it hard to make out. "What is it? A grain tower?"

⠀⠀⠀"Oh, it's a lighthouse," Stede said solemnly, resting the painting on the ottoman so Blackbeard and Nikita could take a better look at it. "I should've been one for my family and guided them."

⠀⠀⠀Nikita was surprised to hear of Stede having a family. However, it made sense. A wealthy man at his age with no wife would be looked strangely upon unless he was a widow. Maybe he was. Maybe his wife and children were dead, so all he had left was trying piracy. Seemed far-fetched but less like he had orphaned his own children. She hoped not. No child should bear the lack of a parent.

⠀⠀⠀"Hm, well, technically, you're supposed to avoid lighthouses, so you don't crack up on the rocks," Blackbeard explained, shrugging.

⠀⠀⠀"I never really thought about it that way," Stede muttered.

⠀⠀⠀"Mm, no one does," Blackbeard assured him knowingly.

⠀⠀⠀There was a pause in their conversation, but Nikita felt like she had missed something. Their eyes darted to the painting and then at each other as a lightbulb seemed to flicker to life between them.

⠀⠀⠀Then, they both exclaimed, "We need to be a lighthouse!"

⠀⠀⠀And they did just that. Heading back onto the deck, Blackbeard and Stede explained the plan. Everyone quieted as the two headed up onto the crow's nest. They attached a mirror to one of the masts and shined a light onto it. As the mirror swung, it caught the light, and they created a faux lighthouse in the middle of the ocean. After a few spins, Blackbeard called upon Wee John Feeney's voice, and he acted as the horn, which was surprisingly convincing.

⠀⠀⠀Not long after they enacted their quick-witted plan did, the Spaniards beginning changing course. The Revenge cheered in excitement but was immediately shushed before the Spaniards caught on. Seeing as it would still take them some time to leave, everyone settled in on the deck ad waited for the morning to come.

AUTHOR'S NOTE —

Hope you all enjoyed this one! I was hoping to get this out earlier but I've been tired. I officially know this chapter will be either 13 or 15 chapters. I'm really debating on if I want to write the last episode just because where episode 9 ends, for Nikita at least, could be an ending... So yeah anyway.

Hope y'all have a good weekend!!

SONG: i'll die anyway by girl in red

Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment if you'd like. However, this is an all kind of reader safe space. So even if you ghost read or comment every chapter, I hope you know it means the world to me that you've come into this fic ♡ I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and until the next one.