"thanatophobia"

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(noun) Categorised as an overwhelming fear of death, thanatophobia expresses the anxiety of losing those they love, including themselves. 

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I wait for the music to start with my back to Gilbert's, my head down, my arm raised high, my right knee softly bent. My heart is beating hard in my chest, my palms are sweating and I can't breathe enough to calm myself down.

I try not to think about all of the people whose eyes are on us. I try to pretend that I'm on the ice in that ice hall in New York that I go to every day. I try to pretend there aren't judges watching my every move to find the tiniest mistake. 

When the music starts, it's my cue to move. The light is shining brightly on Gilbert and me. With every move I make, with every twirl, I see people all around me. So many people it makes me anxious.

I know the choreography by heart now. I could do it with my eyes closed. But I have to remind myself not to show how nervous I am and I have to keep a smile on my face. 

I do my loops perfectly, do the double-axel and land without any trouble. What I most fear is a twist lift and a throw jump in mid-air that I'll perform with Gilbert. Those are one of the hardest moves.

Biellmann is one hell of a struggle for me, too, but I manage to do it. I won't say it's perfect, but at least I did it. 

Gilbert gives me encouraging smiles. He looks like he was born to be on the ice. It's like he's completely relaxed and is in his element. It's nice to see it because it encourages me. And I especially need the encouragement for our back inside death spiral. 

I make my moves smooth and elegant, keeping my pressure on my legs the whole time so I'm stable. But when I try to do a triple-axel, my right skate entangles into something on the ice, most likely the ice itself, and it comes out as a complete failure. I fall down on the ice and the burning pain instantly spreads in my ankle, making me gasp a bit and scrunch my face in pain.

I quickly get myself back up, ignoring the pulsating pain and relax my face features again. I go on as if nothing happened, but my heart is thudding in my chest and in my head. I get even more nervous because now I know that I can't make any bigger mistakes anymore.

The second time I fall is when Gilbert and I do a throw jump in mid-air. It's the same ankle and when I get back up, the pain is so big I can barely stand on my right foot. But I go on, putting on a brave smile, even though I want to let out a cry of pain. 

At least I manage to do a twist lift with Gilbert and my second try at triple-axel succeeds, although it's not perfect. The pain in my ankle is getting bigger and bigger and the pain makes me want to vomit. 

I couldn't be happier when the song stops and Gilbert and I end our performance, both breathing hard. 

We both put big smiles on our faces when the applause starts and then Gilbert helps me get to the exit. "I noticed you had troubles with your foot. Did you hurt it?"

I give him a tight nod, gritting my teeth together.

Sofia stands at the exit, holding a sweater for me to put on. She offers me an encouraging and proud smile. "You did great! Both of you!" 

I only manage to give her a small smile. I'm still high on the adrenaline pulsing through my body, still high on everything that happened. It feels like I've been in there for an hour, but it's only been a few minutes. 

Zach wraps his arm around me, kissing my temple. I snuggle to his warm body, taking a drink that Sofia offers me.

We have to go to the room where we'll find out our results and points. There's a camera filming everything so I make sure I put on a smile - as fake as I can manage at the moment.

The anticipation is high. I still hold hope that some miracle will happen and I will actually do well, but deep down I know it's not possible. I fucked up too badly. 

We're on the 7th place. I try really hard to keep my smile on my face. I feel the disappointment sink in my stomach, although I try to remind myself that this is very good for my first time. It could also be better.

Both Gilbert and I wave at the camera and then he helps me get out of the room. I grimace when I try to step on my foot. The adrenaline came down a bit and the pain is getting unbearable. I really hope I didn't break anything.

Zach stands outside, a happy grin coming onto his face when he sees me coming out. "Flower. You were amazing out there!"

"Zach," I let out a small cry when the world suddenly becomes blurry before my eyes and I lose my balance, falling right into Zach's arms. I grip his shirt in my hands and my name on his lips is the last thing I hear before my eyes close and my head falls forward right on his strong chest. 

My eyes flutter open, but I close them right after. I barely woke up, but sleeping sounds so good now, I just want to sleep some more. 

"No, no. Open your eyes again, Analeigh," the familiar voice that I love so much chides me.

I groan, turning away from it and then sigh. It feels so good to rest my eyes some more. 

"Analeigh, baby, open your eyes," Zach says more adamantly this time. 

I open my eyes to give him an annoyed look. "What? I want to sleep, Zach," I protest, covering my eyes with my forearm. 

"You're in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?"

I uncover my eyes and sit up a bit before he even fully finishes the sentence, looking around myself. "What?" I say groggily, my stare wide at the surroundings. "I ..." I start and then frown. "I hurt my ankle, I think." 

Zach stands beside my bed with ruffled hair and a pale face. He looks worried, which makes me worried, too. 

I look down at my leg to see it's in a plaster. It doesn't hurt me anymore, but it's probably because I'm not moving it. "Did I faint?" I ask Zach, not sure what happened when I came out of the room. I remember his happy face and then I basically don't remember anything else. 

Zach grabs a hold of my hand, squeezing it. "You did." 

I scrunch my eyebrows together. "Huh," I say in a thought, a bit embarrassed that I caused such a scene for everyone. 

"Miles just went out to call a doctor. Sofia had to go back to deal with some paperwork and some other stuff, but she asked me to let her know when you wake up."

"It's fine, I'll call her later," I tell Zach.

Miles enters the room then with a doctor behind him, a middle-aged woman with hardened features. She looks a little scary. "Ms Kerrigan. I'm Doctor Downey. How are we feeling?"

"Uh, good," I answer, a little intimidated when she looks at me. She looks through the papers she has on her pad, scribbling something on it. 

"Gentlemen, would you be kind enough to leave us for a few minutes? Ms Kerrigan and I need to go through some stuff." 

Zach stands up a little taller. "I'm not leav-"

The Doctor gives him such a stern glare that he immediately shuts up. I have to stifle the laugh. Zach looks at me and then at the Doctor. "What she and I have to discuss is a private matter."

"I'm her boyfriend," Zach says in disbelief. 

"Alright. Now if you'll please give us a few minutes alone ..." 

"Come on, man, let them be," Miles says, already by the door.

Zach gives me an apologetic smile and I shake my head at him. "Go," I mouth.

"I'll be outside," he says softly, softly touching my cheek with his fingers. 

I smile at him. 

When the men leave, I turn to the Doctor expectantly. She doesn't beat around the bush, either. "You're probably wondering about your injury. Your ankle is terribly bruised, but it's not broken. You had luck, although I wouldn't push it the next time." She gives me a stern look. Geez, you're not my mother. The sad thought is that I don't even have anymore, but she wouldn't give me any stern gazes, anyway. She would give me nothing but blank looks, occasionally some anger would appear on her face, but that's all. 

Now, I don't even get that from her anymore. She wasn't here today to see me skate, but it's a bit easier when I remind myself that she wouldn't be able to see me anyway. She wasn't stable enough to leave the hospital. 

"Don't put pressure on your foot. Rest for three weeks and then come here so we'll see how the healing went. As for the other matter why you lost conscious; that is not worrying. We ran some tests and they showed nothing." I exhale in relief. It was probably just stress and then the pain I was in because of my ankle. "However, you might pay your gynaecologist a visit." 

I frown. "My gynae- why?" I don't understand. Is there something wrong with me? Did they find something? 

"Ms Kerrigan, you might be pregnant."

My mouth parts open. I let out chuckle - one of disbelief and also fear. "No. It can't be possible," I say, although my heart starts beating faster in my chest and my stomach churns painfully. 

Doctor Downey's eyebrow slightly arches. "I suggest you visit your gynaecologist for they will be able to confirm my suspicion or not." 

I sag against the bed like an empty bag. How many bombs will my life throw at me? This is starting to feel like the fate is testing me. This can not happen. This can't be true. I have my whole life planned out, my whole career. I just started. It can't end like this.

Now coming to 7th place today doesn't feel the worst thing in the world. I'm not ready for this, it's too soon! 

"If you keep fainting, you should come back. Any other questions?"

"When can I go home?" I ask in a small voice. 

"Soon. Someone will bring you release papers to sign and then you'll be free to go."

I nod, keeping the tears to myself, not wanting to start crying like an idiot in front of this intimidating doctor. She gives me a sympathetic glance before she goes out of the room and Zach comes in right after. Miles doesn't come with him this time.

Zach is looking at me with a worried face and it takes everything in me not to start sobbing uncontrollably. "What was that? Is everything alright? When are you free to go home?"

"Everything is fine," I tell him with a shaky voice. "And I'm going as soon as they bring me the release papers to sign." 

Zach gives me an encouraging smile. "That's great! Right?" 

I look down at my hands and intertwine them together so he doesn't notice how much they're shaking. "Yeah," I murmur distantly, my mind being miles away right now. And it's not in a good place. 

Zach brushes my hair back from my face, his touch is tender and soft. He's worried. But he's worried for the wrong reasons and reasons that are completely different than mine. 

He kisses the top of my head and I close my eyes, wrapping my hands around his forearms, holding on to him for the support. "Zach," I breathe helplessly, needing him, desperate to get the reassurance he's going to be here for me no matter what. I'm so scared for ruining everything - for ruining us; this relationship and my whole life. 

"I'm here, flower, I'm here," Zach whispers, searching my lips to place his on them, giving me a soft, tender kiss. When he breaks the kiss, he kisses my cheek and my temple and then he kisses the tear that falls from my eye.

I wrap my arms around him and pull him down, seeking his comfort. I should hate myself for how dependent I became of him when I promised myself that I wouldn't because nothing beautiful lasts forever. But I want to be selfish, I want to let go. I have so many other things to worry about, I don't want to worry about Zach dropping my ass, too. 

I can't lose him. He's too precious to me and I don't know how I'd be able to live without him. "Don't go, Zach. Don't leave me," I beg him, putting my head on his shoulder and hold onto him. I'm terrified of what's going to happen next. I just want to stay here in Zach's safe embrace when nothing can happen and everything is alright. 

"Never, Analeigh. You're never going to lose me, flower," Zach says into my hair, kissing it repeatedly. He's being awfully patient and sweet with me - the whole time. I've been a mess since a day he met me and he still stayed with me and let me know that he wants me with him. I can't believe I've been so lucky to find him. 

A nurse interrupts our sweet moment. We break our hug and I wipe my tears as Zach straightens up and steps back a bit, putting his hands in his pockets, his eyes never leaving me. The nurse's step falters a bit when her eyes land on Zach and I see she's fighting the urge to ogle him.

I appreciate her effort, but I actually know the struggle myself. Not that it doesn't make me jealous. She's young, beautiful, elegant and she probably knows hot to keep herself together more than me. 

I eye Zach to find him still looking at no one and nothing else but me. "Ready to go home, Ms Kerrigan?" The nurse asks.

As ready as I can be in these circumstances. "Of course," I reply and leave my name on the paper she holds out for me, ready to get out of here and back into the safety of Zach's arms. 

I need to study more, write more, workout more and hang out with my friends more but I also have to sleep for 12 hours and procrastinate for another 4 every day ugH