"agowilt"

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(noun) agowilt is defined as an unnecessary fear one simply can't avoid, despite logic.

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During the next weeks, my life goes back to normal. My soul, however, doesn't. 

Zach is very patient with me. He always makes sure that I'm feeling alright and he's constantly asking me how I'm doing. He tries to indulge me in conversations, but sometimes I don't really want to talk and I just want some time alone. He senses that and just sits down beside me and is there for me. 

He doesn't have to say anything to let me know he's there if I need him and he's there to help me get through this. 

At the funeral, he was my anchor on one side and Miles on the other. Both men were really supportive and civil with each other, which I was really grateful for because I needed them both. The funeral went by very quickly. There weren't many people and there weren't any other relatives. 

It was still sad. I still had a hard time, grieving the loss of my whole family now. And Zach was with me through all of it. I also got scared sometimes how dependent I became of him. I was scared to lose him, too, because I definitely wouldn't survive that loss.

I don't think I'll ever be able to survive anyone close to me passing away. Because that pain is so strong, it grips your insides and clenches them together, squeezing them so hard it makes it hard to breathe. And you have to wake up every morning, knowing you'll never be able to see them again and all you have left of them are the memories. 

You have to live with regrets of the things you should've said to them when you still had the chance and the things you could've done better. All the fights you had with them, you start to regret every single one. 

I made it my priority to show people how much I care about them. Starting with Zach. Which wasn't that hard. I basically, unofficially, moved in with him. I couldn't go back to my house - that empty, cold house, now only a reminder of how full it used to be. Now it's standing there all alone with no one in it. 

If I didn't know before, I know now that Zach is the love of my life and the person I never, ever want to lose. He's my everything. If he goes, I'll die. I won't ever be able to live again because if he ever decides to leave me, I'm giving him all to take with him. Besides Miles, he's the only one I have left to help me get through life. 

He's my friend, my lover, even my skate partner. I've been skating a lot lately. On my sessions with Sofia and Gilbert, I was really off at first. And although Sofia understood it and was deeply sorry for my loss, she was mad as hell. Not at me, precisely, but at the situation. 

The competition is right around the corner and she doesn't think I'm at my greatest. That's why I decided to put all my effort into this. 

I wanted to quit at first, but both Zach and Miles talked me out of it. They both know how much the skating means to me and that it's basically my life. If I didn't skate, I wouldn't have any purpose in my life. 

So, I've trained with Zach a lot. Other times, I just sat on the benches and watch him train with his teammates. 

I still get sad. There are moments where I wake up in the middle of the night, breathing hard, and remember all of it. Thankfully, Zach is there to calm me down. He's there for me every time it gets bad. And I can't help but feel it must be hard on him, too, since he lost his mother when he was young, too, and can somehow understand the pain.

He was just a boy then. I can't imagine how confused he must have been. He needed his mother and she wasn't there for him anymore. 

"You done for today, flower?" Zach addresses me with his favourite nickname for me. 

I nod, exiting the ice. He went to sit down on the bench and waited for me to finish with the skating. He admitted to me that he likes to watch me move on my skates and I admitted to him that I feel the same about him.

"Yeah," I say with a secretive smile that belongs only to him these days. The only reason for the smiles on my face. 

The thing with Zach and me is that we haven't been ... intimate since that fateful day I received the news. I tried to take the lead once, begging him to make me forget, but he just told me that we're not doing it like that and for that reason. And then he just held me and showered my face with kisses.

I haven't tried since then, but I've been desperate for his touch. I know he's wanting it, too, judging my all the hot glances I catch him giving me and the longing in his eyes. He wants it, but he's still holding back, afraid of something. Probably afraid of being too soon.

But I need him. Not to make me forget this time, but I need the reassurance he still wants me like that and that he won't leave me. I'm starving for his touch. 

Zach and I grab our things and head home, holding the hands the whole way. I'm tired. I've been tired every day now. I'm wearing myself out enough so I fall asleep easily, because the worst thing is laying awake in bed and just thinking about it. All the memories, everything crawls into your mind then and it gets really ugly. 

Zach isn't really happy about me doing this to myself, telling me I'm pushing myself too much, but it's the only way I can escape. It's the only way I don't think about it. 

I help Zach in the kitchen, preparing something to eat for us. I can't wait to hit the bed tonight, but I've got other plans in mind. 

After the dinner, I hit the shower before Zach and I wait for him on the bed, wearing one of his shirts that I got used to wearing. Zach comes out of the bathroom, wearing only his towel. I got used to him wearing close to nothing, too. 

I only realise I'm biting down on my lip and staring at Zach's body when he gives me a meaningful stare.

"Analeigh," Zach groans my name with pain. "Stop looking at me like that," he basically demands. I see the towel move, his cock rising up to greet me. I'm surprised I'm not more shy about these things anymore, but I guess created a monster. 

I'm lusting over him. Hell, how wouldn't I? He's ... a God. He can make me all tingly with only a look. He makes me almost burn with his hot stares, but he never does anything to tame the fire growing in my body. 

I enjoy having the same effect on his body as he does on mine. I want to get lost in him, I want him to help me forget for awhile. 

Zach puts on black boxers, the only thing he wears for the bed. He actually admitted that he sleeps naked otherwise, but what he hasn't admitted out loud, is that he's holding back now. I don't know for what reason because I'm not going to break.

He takes the towel through his hair, drying it, before he climbs onto the bed with me, under the covers. I watch him like a hawk. As soon as he makes himself comfortable, I attack him, throwing myself at him and kissing him like mad.

Zach grunts in surprise, taking his hand to hold onto me when I climb on top of him. Zach kisses me back, pushing his hand in my hair and tugging on it, involuntary giving in to the kiss. 

I feel his cock beneath me, hard and big, wanting to be inside of me just as much as I want him there. I rub against him with a purpose, making him groan and sit up straighter. He grunts something into my mouth, pushing me back a bit.

He's looking at me with lustful eyes, breathing hard. I see he's trying to compose himself, riding on the edge of losing control with himself. I love seeing him like that. I love making him like that. 

"Ana ... no," Zach says tightly. His mouth is saying no, but his body ... that's the other story.

"Yes," I disagree with him, scraping my nails softly down his muscled chest, feeling his muscles clench under my touch, making Zach growl with the slightest touch from me. "Make love to me. Fuck me. Touch me. I need it, Zach, I need you to give it to me." I'm close to begging. 

Zach grunts again, closing his eyes. I don't let him think. There's nothing to think about. He and I are together in a bed, both aroused. What's there to even think about? I lean my head down into Zach's neck and nibble on his skin there, getting more daring by every second that passes. 

Zach puts his hand on my hip and squeezes it, but then he moves it down to my ass and rests it there. The possessive touch of his sends chills down my body. No man has ever awoken these feelings inside of me. I'm burning for him, yearning for him to touch me and make me his. 

"Show me you still want me, Zach. I need to know that you still want me," I beg him in desperation, grinding on him, touching his bare skin. I'm obsessed with feeling his hot, male flesh beneath me, feeling his strong arms around me, his strength. I'm obsessed with him. Drunk on him. Completely and utterly out of my mind for him.

"Christ, Analeigh, of course I want you. Fuck, I need you, desperately." 

His hands go under the shirt I'm wearing, touching my bare back and coming around to touch my breasts, squeezing them and playing with my erected nipples. I seek his touch, accommodating my body to his to take it however he pleases. I love everything he does to me.

I sneak my hand down to the front of his boxers and I feel him twitch when I grab his cock. Never have I been so daring with him before. That shy virgin I was when he met me is now completely gone. 

I look down at his body, at his clenched muscles and his body laying completely still beneath me. I see the tip of his cock at the waist of his boxers, wet with the pre-cum. I also notice that Zach is holding himself back because he wants me to take control. He's still afraid of something. 

I hate that he's using gloves with me, treating me like a delicate glass. I want to show him that I actually need him to be himself with me again, I need it to go back to normal to speed up my healing process. My soul hurts for my mother, it hurts for my love for Zach. And my body? My body hurts for Zach's touch. It needs it. 

I need everything that he can give me, I will take everything he offers and then some more. I'm selfish like that. I want him whole, I want him to be mine completely. I want him to think about me only, I want him to never remember any other woman he's ever been with. He's with me now. And I'm a possessive bitch when it comes to him.

I hastily take his boxers off, needing to touch him skin to skin. He's enormous in my hand, so wide I can't wrap my small palm around him. 

Zach's hand sneaks under my panties to touch my wet centre. When he pushes his finger inside of me, I greedily clench around him, loving his touch. I'm so aroused I could come only with a few pumps of his finger. He doesn't give them to me, though, as if he knew.

He takes the finger out of me and rubs my clit softly, staring into my eyes that are rolling back in pleasure. I've been deprived of his touch and I want it all now.

I shift, losing his touch, and then I take my panties to the side, not bothering to even take them off. I position him at my entrance and Zach's mouth part open when he realises what I'm going to do next. 

I sink my teeth into my bottom lip and softly sit down, taking his wide girth inside of me, feeling him stretch me around him, making me full, oh, so damn full of him.

"Oh, shit. Fucking hell," Zach curses, sitting up straighter on the bed, causing him to go in even deeper inside of me. 

I mewl, putting my hands on his shoulders, loving the contact with him, loving how well he fits me. "You see what you were keeping from us?" I accuse him as I slowly start to move on him, up and down, back and forward, whatever it feels good for me.

I've never been on top. Hell, I've only had sex twice in my life and it was only with Zach. Not that I haven't tried to get him to sleep with me, though, he just had his own weird reasons. 

I wrap my hands around Zach's neck, moving up and down on him, taking what I want and how I want it. Zach, however, doesn't move. He's got his hands placed down on the bed, gripping the sheet. Even now, he doesn't let go. He's still holding back. 

I groan and fuck him faster, rougher. Zach's head falls back a bit, his neck straining. He's on the verge of losing control. "Stop holding back, Zach. Stop holding back," I demand, rolling my hips.

Zach, as if he can't help himself, puts his hands on my hips, holding me tighter and I feel his hips move beneath me. "Do it. Do me."

"You want it rough?" Zach asks with a hoarse voice, his eyes heavy. 

I bite down on my lip, curling my hands in his hair. "I want it how you want it, not how you think I want it." 

He stares into my eyes for some moments, before he puts both of his hands on my ass, squeezing it, and keeping me in place as he starts ramming into me, his hips slapping against mine, his cock hitting the depths of me that I couldn't reach.

His expertise has me on the verge in just a few minutes. He's fucking me hard and fast, no holding back now, he's fucking me how he wants it. And I love it. 

My legs start to shake and Zach feels my orgasm coming. "Fuck, Analeigh, Jesus. You fit me so perfectly, so tightly. You're perfect for me. You were made for me only, damn it." 

His hands are kneading my flesh of my ass and I cry out as he repeatedly hits my G-spot, hugging his neck, hugging him to me as he makes us both come. I cry out his name as the waves keep hitting me, they keep coming, the pleasure so overwhelming that I can't do anything else but just feel it.

Zach continues fucking me, still hard inside of me, giving me slow strokes now, riding out his orgasm. 

"Dear God," I breathe with my head on Zach's shoulder.

Zach leans back against the headboard, holding me close to his body as if he just doesn't want to let me go. "We didn't use a condom, flower," Zach says, catching his breath.

I grunt, not really concerned. "I'll go buy a pill tomorrow," I tell him, resting my cheek on his shoulder so I have a clear view of his handsome, sweaty face now.

All mine. Zach Crawford is all mine. 

"You need to go on the pill. No way will I be able to use a condom with you anymore now that I know how it is to feel you bare."

Ah, who says romance is dead? 

Good morning! I'm a little early today because I'm currently on the train and I have nothing better to do 😂

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