"solace"

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(ˈsɒl ɪs), noun | 1. One of the most beautiful words to utter and feel in the English language, solace is defined by the state of comfort and alleviation during distressing and sorrowful circumstances. 2. verb |Solace is also defined by the ability to console somebody's heart, soul and mind. Your words and intentions give them a refuge in this cruel word. A uniquely beautiful word in the English language, its definition coincides with its sound and aesthetic. Uttering the word simply gives you comfort and warmth. 

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In that moment, I could swear I feel the world going still around me. Nothing exists at that moment. Only the doctor's words that keep repeating in my mind, getting louder and louder. 

This can not be true. This can not be real. I must be dreaming. This is impossible. 

"Ms Kerrigan," Doctor Gauer calls me, a faint whisper in my shouting thoughts.

Your mother took her life. She committed suicide. She committed suicide. She. Committed. Suicide.

I feel my legs shaking. They're too weak to hold my body up any longer. They buckle and I fall down on my knees as a sob break through my body, a really loud sob, filled with the pain I'm currently feeling. Although I can't release that ache with the screaming. Oh, no, the ache and the burning stay in my chest, literally gripping my insides. If screaming could help, I'd scream as loud as I could.

But it's the emotional pain that's settled inside of me. My mother died. My mother. 

"Ms Kerrigan! Is there anyone you would like to call?" Doctor Gauer offers softly.

Call? Who would I call? I've only had my mother. And now she's gone, too. "How did this happen?" I manage to get out. I don't know if I even want to hear it. Oh, my God. Please, tell me I'm dreaming. There is no way this is happening. 

"Please, sit down. Do you need water? Or anything else?" Doctor Gauer gushes, concerned. 

I manage to sit on the chair, tugging at my hair. The tears just won't stop falling down my cheeks. They're blurring my vision and I'm almost unable to see. "How did it happen?" I sob out, trying to take in deep breaths so I don't choke. I feel like I can't breathe. It's painful to do it. 

"She slit her wrists." 

I gasp. I can't help it. "How the hell is that even possible?! She was tied to the bed almost all the time!" Anger is good. If I feel angry, I don't feel pain. If I focus on anger, it doesn't hurt as much. 

"She's hidden a razor in a bathroom. We don't know where she's got it from, but we haven't discovered it in time. Her behaviour wasn't any different. She just went to the bathroom and never came back. We're sorry, we understand this is a careless mistake."

"It damn well is!" I shriek out hysterically. "I've been killing myself to pay you to look after my mother and it turns out I was actually paying for her death! Oh, my God," I whisper out the last part. I feel like I'll throw up any second.

My stomach hurts. It really hurts. This is that physical pain, mixed with the emotional one. It's the worst one. I've felt it once before. And I'm feeling it now again. So many nights I've been praying that this wouldn't happen. I believed it wouldn't. My mother was all I had left. 

I have no one now. Literally no one. And this is such a disturbing thought. It's too painful. 

"We realise our mistake, Ms Kerrigan. However, your mother hasn't shown any signs of suicidal behaviour." 

I shake my head, abruptly standing up. "I need to get out of here," I mumble. I don't wait for the Doctor's reply. I run. I run as fast as I can, ignoring her calls after me. 

I run right to the bus station, the tears are falling down my face, making my face even colder than it is as the wind hits it. I don't care. I only have one destination I want to go to right now. 

I feel like I'm going to fall apart, I feel like something is breaking inside of me. I cry the whole ride on the bus, letting out silent sobs. No one gives me a second look. A few people look at me in sympathy, but they carry on, minding their own business. I'm kind of glad. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. At least not to anyone on here. 

I almost forget to get out on my station. I run the whole way to the familiar building. I don't have a trouble going in and going up. I'm recognised here already. 

I knock on the door, waiting for it to open. I'm catching my breath. I don't even want to know how I must look right now - a crying woman running through the whole city. Nothing that New York City hasn't seen before! 

The door opens up wide and I'm greeted by a sight that, on any other day, I would appreciate and love. But today is not that day. I love seeing him, not because of how he looks right now, but because of the person he is. And I need that person right now. 

"Ana, hey. I was just coming to -" He stops when I burst into tears, his huge grin replaced with a frown. 

I utter out the words I've only once said to him before - the time when I hit the lowest point. "Help me. I really need you." 

I stumble forward, unable to feel my legs anymore. I almost trip when passing the door, but Zach grabs me, pulling me to him and staring down at me. He brushes my hair back from my face, arranging it right. It must be a mess. I am a mess, but I can't help myself. 

"What happened, Ana?" Zach asks, his forehead creasing with confusion and worry. 

He wraps his arm around my waist to support me and preventing me from injuring myself. I'm surprised I managed to come here in one piece. But I terribly needed to see him. 

"My mother," I sob out, my voice breaking. "She's ..." I can't say it. If I say it out loud it means I'm admitting it to myself. It makes it real. I still want to believe this is only a nightmare.

"What? What happened, baby?" Zach asks with a soft voice, his face serious now.

"She's dead. She ... S-she committed s-" I can't say it. My God, I can't say it. I let out a long cry, leaning my forehead against Zach's chest, gripping his shirt with my hand, seeking his strength. 

Zach stays still for a moment, not saying a word. He's like a statue. The only movement I get from him is when he squeezes me to him, pressing me tightly against him, silently offering me his comfort. In that moment, it's all I need. 

I'm pressing my face to his shirt, wetting it with my tears. I don't care about it. 

"Dear God. I'm so sorry, baby. Fuck, I ... I don't know what to say." Zach sounds shocked. 

I don't know what to say, either, so I just keep gripping Zach's shirt in my hands and letting out the sobs. My shoulders are shaking from the crying. It's that ugly crying, the one when your whole face is scrunched up in pain, your eyes get bloodshot red and the tears just won't stop falling, wetting your whole face. 

Zach picks me up and carries me to the living room, sitting me on the couch. I don't even have the power to admire the view today. I just feel so drained and vain. Especially empty. Like a part of me just died. 

Zach holds me, not saying a word. He just silently comforts me. He doesn't need to use words. His actions speak louder. I feel him kiss the top of my head a few times, the sign that he's still here and he's not letting me go. And that's all I currently need. 

I don't know how long we sit like that. It feels like I've been crying for hours. My head starts to hurt. 

"We should go eat something, babe," Zach says softly once my sobs die down and I just lifelessly lie in his arm, literally unable to move a limb. 

I grunt something that probably neither of us understands. It's just a grunt of protest. I don't feel like moving. I feel like crying to death. Zach slightly moves from under me and I grip onto him tighter, not willing to let him go. Not ready to release him yet. 

Zach carries me to the kitchen where he sits me down on a chair. I reluctantly let him go, avoiding his eyes. I must look terrible right now with swollen eyes and red cheeks with a shiny nose. Truly a sight.

But Zach doesn't take it easy - me, trying to avoid him looking at me. He places his hands on my cheeks and lifts my head up, forcing me to look at him. I blink a few times. My headache is getting stronger now. "I know it hurts right now. I know it feels like you're going to die. But you're not. We're going to get through this," Zach assures me fiercely. 

"I really wanted you to meet her," I mumble pathetically, not having anything else to say. I know he means well with his words, but at this moment, they just don't sound very believable. It hurts so much that at this moment, I can't really see a time where it won't. It's too soon, the pain is still too fresh. 

"I really wanted to meet her, too," Zach says sadly, regretfully. As if there's a thing he should regret. 

I hang my head again, emotions overwhelming me again. Even though she wasn't a perfect mother in someone's eyes, she was still a mother. My mother. And I still loved her like a child should love their mother. 

Zach tangles his hand in my hair and goes through it before his touch disappears and he goes to move around the kitchen, preparing something to eat, even though I assured him that I'm not hungry. But Zach being Zach - that overprotective boyfriend, he takes care of me if I like it or not. 

Which I'm grateful. That's why I came to him in the first place. I knew he'd be a great comfort. 

I wallow in sadness while Zach manoeuvres around the kitchen, occasionally asking me a question or makes a small talk with me to get my mind off ... everything. I appreciate his effort, although he doesn't really succeed. It does help a bit, though, and he's being really thoughtful. 

He doesn't make us much to eat, just a tomato salad with tuna. Something light. I don't think I could stomach anything heavier. Zach watches me while I eat. "You know, I won't break in half or have a mental breakdown if you look away from me," I crack a dry joke even though I don't feel like smiling, even less laughing at the moment. 

Zach gives me a looped smile. "No, it's not that. You're just ... really beautiful."

I sigh, lowering my eyes. "Zach," I warn him softly, not wanting his pity comments. 

"No, I'm serious, Analeigh. You've been crying for hours and you still manage to look ... gorgeous."

"Thank you ... I guess," I say quietly, unable to look him in the eyes. I rather stare down at the tomatoes. 

Zach puts his hand on top of mine, squeezing it. "Do you want me to inform Miles?" Zach surprises me by asking.

I hastily lift my head, opening my mouth to reply, although I don't know what to say. "I think it should be me he hears it from," I want to sound sure, but my voice cracks. 

"I can call him if you want," Zach offers sincerely. Zach willingly offering to call Miles? You know it's a big deal.

I'm just so bloody tired, I can't think or make any decisions right now, no matter how small. My emotions are everywhere. I feel so drained of energy and any motivation. I just want to go lay down.

"Please," I say softly and stand up. I go into the living room and curl myself on the couch, staring out at the skyscrapers. There's a world out there, a happy world, a world that's still going on, no matter that mine just shattered completely today. 

People are continuing to live their lives happily, not knowing the struggles of others. 

I hear Zach talking to someone in the other room. I think it's Miles, although I'm not really sure. I close my eyes and focus on Zach's voice, his deep baritone, a balsam for my ears. He's got that pleasurable raspy edge to the voice. It's low and pure manly - a strong voice that you just have to love. 

It's really nice and it soothes me a little. But then he stops talking and I open my eyes, soaking in the silence of the room. He appears in front of me, wearing his jeans and a simple shirt. He sighs as he sits down at my head and rearranges me so my head is laying on his thighs now. 

I press my palms together and put them under my head as Zach starts stroking my hair. I close my eyes at the soft touch, seeking it, needing it. 

Soon, I fall asleep under his soothing touch. 

The next thing I'm conscious about is darkness. And the beautiful view. I'm in the bed and Zach is laying beside me, his breathing even. I notice he undressed me and put on one of his shirts. 

I sit up on the bed as the memories come flooding in. A painful sob wrenches out of me. I quickly get up from the bed and run out of the bedroom so I don't wake Zach up. 

No wonder why I'm not sleepy anymore, I've probably slept the whole afternoon away and most of the night. I see the night is coming to a slow end, the traces of a light appearing outside. It must be some time close to the morning. 

I notice it started snowing during the night, the skyscrapers now covered in white. I stand by the window, resting my head on the cold glass. I focus on my breathing, in and out. Slow, deep breaths. 

The tears still fall down my face. I can't do anything to prevent them. So, I just let them. I don't have the energy to fight them anymore. 

A body presses against me and arms wrap around my frame from behind. I don't even flinch. Zach kisses my shoulder and buries his head into my neck. "I'll help you survive this, love." 

Currently on the bus to uni and it's starting to rain. Happy Tuesday. 🤷🏼