"ramé"  

  — 

(noun) A Balinese word, ramé is described as something that is simultaneously chaotic and joyful.   

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It's not easy for me talking about my mother and it's not easy to start trusting new people. But with Zach, I find it quite easy to open up to him. "My mother is sick. She's ... in the hospital and I need to pay the bills, which are not low at all. That's where your money went. If I wanted to buy new clothes, I surely wouldn't ask someone else for money." I laugh quietly, uncomfortably. 

I can't look at Zach, so I focus on the skyscrapers that are rising before our eyes and the magical view Zach's windows offer.  I sense him looking at me. 

"Analeigh ... why didn't you say anything? I'm ... really sorry." Zach places his hand on mine on the couch and this time, I do look at him. I'm trying not to break down right in front of him. It's always hard to talk about my mother. It's hard to even think about her, let alone say out loud what's going on. 

Maybe having no friends is a positive thing for me since I don't have to talk about my mother to anyone else and no one knows about her.

"What about your father? Any siblings? Or other family?" Zach wants to know. 

I bite down on my lip. Hard. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I blink fast, turning my stare elsewhere again. "Not in the picture ... anymore." I almost sob the last part, but I hold it in. I can't cry. I won't let myself cry. Because if I start, I won't be able to stop. 

Zach suddenly wraps and arm around me and pulls me to his side, hugging me to his warm body. I let out a shaky sob, but no tears fall. Because I don't let them. I close my eyes and let Zach comfort me, realising how much I've actually needed this. "You don't have to talk about it if it's too painful. I'm sorry I asked." 

"On my 16th birthday, Mum and Dad came home from the store and I threw a fuss because they didn't get the right plates I asked for. I was mad at them for not bringing me one thing I've asked for. Dad and my brother - he was 19 at the time - offered to go back to the store and buy the right ones. Anything to make my birthday perfect ..." I burrow my face at Zach's side because this is too painful.

"They had a car accident. A truck drove the red light and crashed into them. Dad died on the spot and Andrew was fighting for life in a hospital. He died exactly 12 days later. M-my mother wasn't the same since then. It both hit us hard, but Mum ... she couldn't deal with it. She went to alcohol first and the drugs followed. She was a mess, she didn't have the will to even live anymore. It was hard watching her destroying herself, but I was hurting, too, and I didn't know how to help her at that time.

"One night, when I came home from my practice, I found her laying on the floor with a pack of empty sleeping pills and a half-empty bottle of vodka. I don't know if she did that on purpose, but if I hadn't found her, I ... I'd lost her, too." Truth is, I'd lost her way before that, but she was still existing as a person and I don't think I'd survive losing her, too. "She was at the mental institution first because of the attempt of a suicide and she was also emitted to treatment programs that helped her detox from the drugs and alcohol. But she was abusing her body for too long and she wasn't in the right state of mind and she's suffering from the worst case of delirium and depression. That's why she's in the hospital.

"There are days that she doesn't recognise me and then there are days when she blames me for everything. She doesn't always remember what happened. Sometimes, she doesn't even remember the accident. That's a good day for her. But on the days that she remembers ... it's hard to be around her then." I keep my head at the safety of Zach's chest and embrace, just taking what he offers me. "I'm sorry, I really destroyed the mood with my heavy shit."

I feel better now that I told someone about it. Miles knows about it, too, of course, but I never talk about it and now that I did ... I feel relieved. And I told him all this without shedding a tear. 

"I'm happy you decided to share this with me, Analeigh," Zach tells me softly. 

I'm happy he doesn't offer me any words of sympathy. I don't need that. I simply want someone to ... listen and just be there. 

I turn my head to look out through the window. I can see the sun is already rising and my eyes are getting heavy. I rest my head on Zach's shoulder. "I could fall asleep like that," I tell him quietly, sighing in content. 

I feel Zach looking at me. "Yeah?" he murmurs softly with a hint of a smile. "You can go to the guest room if you want," he offers. 

I grin to myself, the burden of our previous subject now forgotten. "Here is just okay," I whisper. 

I look up at him and see him watching me with a soft smile and sparkling eyes, not looking sleepy at all. I slowly blink up at him a few times, just taking in his face and his beautiful features. Zach slowly leans down, putting his hand under my chin and his thumb just under my bottom lip.

I don't dare to move, enjoying his touch and looking at him with big eyes. I can feel his breath on my lips, that's how close we are, but it doesn't scare me this time. In fact, I want him even closer. 

I move a bit forward and Zach's eyes spark. It's all the courage he needs before I feel his lips on mine, unsure at first, but then hungry and soft moving against mine in an unforgetful kiss. I place my hand on his hard stomach, enjoying the feel of his muscles under my hand, while Zach wraps his hand into my hair as our kiss turns more aggressive, hungrier and just something ... more. 

It's passionate and it's hot, with no holding back. We both know this kiss will change everything between us but none of us cares about it at this moment. There is just us right now, kissing on the couch while the sun is making a presence just outside the windows. 

Zach nibbles on my bottom lip before we both pull up, breathless and speechless. Zach is looking at me with a lustful expression and a dreamy smile. Without wonder, my expression must be the same. I feel happy, euphoric and really ecstatic for some reason. My heart is beating fast in my chest and I really don't know what to say so I don't ruin this moment between us. 

"I think I'll accept your offer of taking the guest room now," I tell him quietly, still smiling like an idiot. 

Zach nods and clears his throat, slowly standing up. I think the air between us just became really awkward and tense. It also feels like Zach doesn't know how to suddenly act around me, as if he's afraid of doing something that would make me run. 

"Come, I'll show you where it is." He leads me down the dark hallway and I follow him. He opens the door to the bedroom and leans against the doorframe, watching me like a hawk. He's purposefully standing so that I can't go in without at least touching him. 

I narrow my eyes at him, cocking my head to the side. When I want to go into the bedroom, Zach stops me at the door frame, putting his hands on my shoulders. "One more," he tells me before his lips are on mine again, kissing me and giving me no option but to kiss him back. 

I think that kissing Zach Crawford has just become my favourite thing to do in the whole world. And, yes, it even tops the skating. Which says a lot. 

He's more gentle with me this time, slowly moving his lips against mine, dragging the kiss out as if he doesn't want to let me go. I moan out into his mouth because he awakes emotions in me that I didn't even know I have. 

Zach puts his hand on the door frame beside my head, preventing me from going anywhere when he ends our kiss. "You could sleep in my bed, actually. There would be more of that happening." I see how his eyes are sparkling in the dark morning and he generally just looks happy. 

I hang my head, suddenly feeling shy around of him. Because this is Zach Crawford I was kissing seconds ago. This is a man with a lot of experience and I ... have none. Because in all these years there wasn't any time for a man. I also wasn't fond of meeting new people and men usually left me alone when they saw I wasn't easy and I'm carrying some heavy struggles with me. 

I lean to Zach a bit, licking my lips. "I think this bed right here looks rather comfortable, too," I say softly, putting my hand on Zach's chiselled chest and letting my finger drop down, coming almost to the waist of his jeans, before I remove it. 

Zach chuckles darkly. "Alright, flower. No pressure." He removes his hand from the door frame and puts both of his hands into his pockets, leaning back on the other side. We're basically both leaning on the either side of the door frame, facing each other with a small space between us. "I left my shirt on the bed since I believe you didn't bring any pyjamas with yourself." 

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, rolling my lips together. I still taste him in my mouth. I know I'll have trouble falling asleep just because of this fact. I won't be able to stop thinking about the kiss between us. "Thank you. Goodnight, Zach," I murmur shyly.

I slip into the room and Zach gives me space to close the door, smiling. I sit down on the bed, looking around the spacious room. I slowly undress and put Zach's shirt on, loving how the soft material kisses my skin. Unfortunately, it doesn't smell like him since it's freshly washed. 

When I lie down in bed, I bury my face into the pillow, giggling in it, thinking about the night that happened. It's funny how fast things can change. And what a change that is! I kissed Zach Crawford out of all people. 

Sleep doesn't come easy. I don't know whether it's because this is the hour I usually wake up at or it's because our night won't stop replaying in my head.

I don't know at what hour I wake up, but I know that I haven't slept for long. I'm not used to sleeping during the day, so I wake up before my body got the rest that it needed. 

And I don't know if this is from the lack of sleep, but the euphoric state I was in in the morning is now gone. When I remember that kiss that happened between us, I'm suddenly not so giddy about it anymore. I almost ... regret it now. I can't offer Zach anything. 

I don't know what he has to offer, either. We haven't exactly talked about what's going to happen now, if it's going to even change everything between us. I've heard enough stories to know that, in today's world, when two people kiss, it usually doesn't even mean anything. In fact, they don't even hear from each other anymore. 

That's what I'm afraid it's going to happen between me and Zach. I don't exactly want to pursue a relationship with him, but he's been a great friend to me. I'd hate to lose that. I mean, who gives you $200,000 just like that today? I can't destroy this friendship for the sole purpose of me owning him money now. I will pay him back, to the last cent, no matter what he says. 

And me opening up about my mother ... He was such a patient listener and he didn't run away when I laid all my battles on him. No, he comforted me. 

I sigh and sit up on the bed, blinking away the tiredness. This is going to be a long day for me.

I put on my sweatpants, but keep Zach's shirt on. I like wearing it, I note. 

I find the bathroom attached to the guest room and make myself somehow presentable to show outside this room. At least how comfortable I can get without a toothbrush and hairbrush. 

I find Zach is already up when I enter the kitchen. He's leaning across the kitchen counter with a mug in his hands, seeming like he's deep in thought. He's also shirtless. I was not prepared to come to face to face with him so soon, let alone when he's not wearing a shirt. 

I inhale sharply and turn around, taking a few steps back in the direction I came from, shaking my hand, willing myself to calm my racing heart down. Relax. It's just Zach.

And also the man I kissed a few hours ago. 

I blankly stare at the wall for a few moments before I force any thought out of my mind and turn around yet again and start walking, not stopping until I come into the kitchen. "Good morning," I greet awkwardly.

Zach didn't hear me walk in, but now the turns around with a smile on his face, standing up slowly, displaying all his hot male flesh for my eyes. Maybe I should take a few more minutes in that hallway, preparing myself for this sight.

Hell, who am I kidding? Nothing could prepare me for the sight in front of my eyes. 

I think I hear Zach say something, but I don't quite catch his words. I feel the ringing in my ears. I'm nervously playing with the hem of my shirt, my eyes can't go further than his eight-pack and muscled arms. 

I'm in trouble. Oh, God, am I in trouble ...

The muscles are suddenly closer to me and getting even closer and closer. Zach is walking towards me and I finally manage to lift my head and look into his face. He's coming towards me with a purpose and my throat closes when he stops in front of me. 

He's smiling all the way, but his eyes are holding mischief in them. When he leans his head down, his lips coming towards mine, I suddenly hang my head to avoid the kiss. I subconsciously put my hand out to stop him or push him away, my palm coming into contact with his bare chest. 

Ohhh. Muscles! So much hard flesh beneath my hands!

"Uhm, oh ... wow." I keep my hand right there on the hard flesh, enjoying the feel of it. "I - hey," I breathe. I don't even know who I'm saying that to. 

When I lift my head back up and dare a look at Zach's face, I notice he's looking at me with a serious expression with a hint of confusion. "Analeigh?"

Oh, shit. 

Well. Yikes. Their first kiss, finally, but ... is it going to be their last? 

This story is now completed on radish! I just posted epilogue today, so if you're not the one who likes to wait for updates, you have an option to read the completed story there :) 

Thank you for reading. 

x

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