Chapter 24: Crystal Clear

WOOSEOK'S eyes stared at Junwon's limp figure, muttering a small greeting before stepping inside and closing the door behind him, soon meeting the overwhelming, melancholic silence that coated the room.

"Hey, Junwon..." Wooseok muttered, his eyes falling onto Junwon's. To his dismay, his red, puffy eyes were staring into nothing, and for a brief moment, Wooseok wasn't even sure if Junwon was aware of where he was, if he acknowledged his existence in the first place. Yet, he needed to hear an answer from him. Anything that could tell him anything. "How are you?"

A few moments of silence overwhelmed Wooseok before he finally heard the familiar soft voice, and if it wasn't for the heartbreak, the desperation, the clear shock in his tone, Wooseok would've said that it was the same Junwon he knew in the survival show. The same kind, carefree Junwon that was filled with dreams. He imagined that the only person who supported him at that time was there with him, so the only thing he needed to do was to work hard and not have a single ounce of worry in the whole world. And that was what Wooseok saw in Junwon, what made him admire Junwon so much in the first place.

"How am I?" Junwon's invisible scoff could be heard from the tone of his voice. "H-How am I after my terrible stomach ache that only keeps getting worse and the fact that I can't move, or how am I after the love of my life passed away and left me all alone?"

Ouch.

It didn't matter how much Wooseok told himself that his friend wasn't fine and needed help. It almost didn't matter what anyone thought at that moment. Hearing Junwon say it with his own tongue cracked open a wound in Wooseok's heart.

"Both, Junwon... How are you, both mentally and physically?"

Junwon barely shook his head, a single, small tear escaping from his red eyes and down his pale face.

"What do you think?"

His reply was more than enough, despite him not saying many words. He didn't need words to tell anyone how he felt, and yet the tone of his voice, the way he stared into nothing as if imagining something horrible... Everything about him gave it away.

"Terrible," Wooseok replied, his eyes falling to the floor to avoid looking at Junwon's figure.

"Destroyed." Junwon corrected. "I'm everything you wouldn't want to be at the moment."

True.

The sentence broke Wooseok's heart, but it was true nonetheless.

How would he feel if he was in Junwon's position?

God, he couldn't even imagine.

"I'm sorry, Junwon." He found himself muttering, nervously fidgeting with his fingernails. He wanted his friend to know, from the bottom of his heart, that he was sorry.

And despite him knowing that it was probably too late, he still wanted to make it crystal clear.

"You're sorry, Wooseok?" Junwon replied, more tears streaming down his face. His voice came out weak and barely above a whisper, and yet Wooseok could hear everything, loud and clear. "Why didn't you stand up for me? Why did I have to be stuck here while my girlfriend was in the hospital? Why did you have to tell her false accusations about me cheating, when you know it's not true so that her last memory of me is me cheating? Why did you let them lie about me?"

Every question stabbed knives to Wooseok's heart, and consequently, to Junwon's heart altogether. Wooseok allowed tears to fill his eyes as he stared at Junwon, then at the floor.

And for the longest moment, he wanted to reply. To say something. To defend himself.

But then again, defend himself against what?

Against things he knew he did?

"Why didn't you stop them and defend me when I couldn't defend myself if you're really sorry?"

The same question popped up in Wooseok's mind.

And to his dismay, he found no answer to it, as his entire mind was blank.

Why did he have to come all the way and apologize to Junwon instead of trying to fix everything, for example by standing up for him?

"I don't know. I was scared... I was really scared." Wooseok replied, his heart breaking at his own words. "I know it's not an excuse..."

Never an excuse.

He should've defended Junwon when he had the chance.

"I was scared too..." Junwon began, his tears stumbling to a halt as his hand turned into a fist and grabbed the bed with a weak, shaky grip. "I was scared of disappointing others. I was doing everything I could, even if it wasn't enough sometimes. Most of all, I was scared of disappointing noona... But I did that anyway. And now the last thing she remembers of me was how I wasted five years of our relationship down the drain, for a moment of weakness."

The words stabbed themselves into Wooseok's heart. He crossed his arms close to his chest, his lower lip quivering as he stared at his shoes.

"I love her," Junwon continued, faintly smiling at the image of his lover, where she once laid down on the bed beside him—the same bed he laid on at that very moment, sick and vulnerable. "With every inch of me, I love her. I felt safe with her. I felt happy that she was proud of me. I woke up every day for her. Because after my family died, I thought I had no one... She was the only one who supported me and held me when I was crying my heart out. She was the only one who was there for me when I needed someone to talk to, and I knew I could rely on her. Why couldn't you get it?" He paused for a moment to gather his courage, to regain his composure. "I wouldn't, never in a million years, throw all of that away to go to someone else even if my life depended on it."

Wooseok nodded his head, visible tears now streaming down his cheeks. His body trembled and his mind ached for a break.

"If she hadn't got out that night... Maybe, just maybe, she would still be here with me. If she didn't storm out while she was mad at me, because of something your so-called friends said, maybe she wouldn't have died." Junwon's heartbroken sobs escaped his lips, despite many attempts from him to cover his mouth to conceal them. The thought of his lover being dead in the first place broke his heart and shattered it into pieces.

He knew that it was wrong to blame others for something they couldn't control.

But at that moment, he couldn't bring himself to care.

"So why did you have to take all of that away from me? Why did you have to take her away from me?" He sobbed out, his voice breathy as a little cough escaped his mouth. His hand placed itself on top of his chest, where his aching heart was. The dull ache was now a strong pain as he recalled every memory with the love of his life. "Which one are you sorry for, Kim Wooseok? Because I honestly can't pick—"

He was interrupted by his own pathetic sobs, his heavy breaths, and the pain his heart. He clutched his chest tighter as he stared at the wall. And for a long, painful moment, all he could think about was the look of betrayal on his lover's face once his group members had left the other day. The look when she heard the false accusations made about him by his own so-called friends.

How could he let them?

Why did he let them?

He could never forget that look. He could never forget how heartbroken it made him feel. And not to mention that he hated the fact that he let her leave without a proper apology, a proper explanation.

An explanation that told her that his group members would do anything to see him fail.

But he wasn't in a state to allow himself to do that in the first place.

After all, he was sick. He was terrified, yes. But there was nothing he could do. All he wanted her to do was to hear him out.

But she didn't.

And now she was gone for good.

"I'm sorry for everything, Junwon." Wooseok sobbed out, his voice shaky with all the emotions. Heartbreak. Sadness. Distress. Desperation.

He was sorry.

Even if he did nothing to fix it, he was sorry.

"Sorry doesn't bring the love of my life back," Junwon replied in a firm tone despite all the tears that managed to escape his eyes. "It doesn't change the fact that she died upset with me. It doesn't change the fact that she went to the hospital and I was never there for her, and it doesn't change the fact that we never got to celebrate our anniversary together."

A few moments passed by, with Wooseok staring at his shoes as sobs escaped from both of them.

"Please get out, Wooseok." Junwon finally spoke. "Tell our fellow group members that I quit. Tell them, and yourself, to forget everything about me. Forget that you once knew someone named Junwon."

"Wait, we can just—"

"No, we can't," Junwon firmly replied, a small sob escaping from between his lips. "We can never go back to what we used to be, so please, just go."

Wooseok opened his mouth to say something—anything to defend himself, to not seem like a jerk of some kind.

But nothing came out.

And the only thing he was aware of, at that moment, was that he hated his group members. It was the only thing he shared with Junwon, despite them not being anything more than two people in the same room.

At that moment, Wooseok knew that he had lost a friend because of the way he acted, but he regained consciousness as if he was underwater, blind for some time until he could finally see everything.

Hikaru's sudden disappearance, along with Junwon's mysterious illness... Everything suddenly made sense. It all came together like a puzzle.

And suddenly, he knew where Hikaru went.