052:

The pieces of paper fluttered to the bed at her side and she stared back out the window again, feeling changed. He changes me, she thought vacantly. He changes me and then leaves. Again. She picked up the letter and scanned the top paragraph once more. Work, he was trying to figure out what might be causing her to overload. How about pregnancy, Jared? Did you think of that? No? Well, why not, for heaven's sake? I'm pregnant, and you—in your very typical control it all mode, think of every contingency for both of us mode, you—forgot to think of that.

That's big, Jared, she continued, talking to him under her breath. Real big. It changes everything. It makes me tired and hungry and silly and grouchy. I have an almost nine month old baby Jared, and am expecting your second daughter! How could you have thought of this one? You couldn't. And I won't hold it against you. But, it is hard. I think I have a right to feel overloaded.

Yeah, work. You wanted me to be busy. Well, I am. Although I ran ahead of everyone else and outran them all. No one can keep up, Jared, all my sisters have ditched me, I can't play and sing and tour and do concerts and videos and movies, and be a mom and be pregnant, and be a wife... and be a friend... and be a daughter and be a sister.... And be active in church... and....

Okay, so good. I have your permission to slow down. Not just your permission, but your orders. And guess what? I am slowing down. I thought of it first. Beat ya to it, Jared life controller. Beat ya to it.

Guy trouble? You bet. And why are they swarming around? Why is that? Well, Mr. Jared life controller, you wanted me out there, putting myself in front of the crowds. How can I help it if I now have guy trouble? They all think I need them. They all want to protect me, help me, and be there for me, whatever. I try and be friends with them, I try and share the gospel, I try and do projects with them... and they end up.... I don't know....I can't figure them out. I can't tell if they like me, or don't like me. I guess I don't understand guys at all. Matthew accuses me of going after everything in pants. Not so. I don't feel like I'm the one pursuing them... more that they are pursuing me. I like the projects, they're fun, they're interesting, they're what I originally planned to do with my life... without the current... without the two little girls you gave me.... Without all the other stuff you gave me....Mr. Jared Life controller.

Ryan.

Hm.... How to talk to Jared about Ryan?

I never could talk to Jared about Ryan, and I can't and won't talk to Ryan about Jared, except as it came up in his conversation, because he was his brother... not as my husband. And obviously I still think of myself as his wife.

That's not really good.

I am not Jared's wife. I'm Jared's widow, and Ryan's wife.

And I'm carrying Jared's child. And Ryan hates that child. Does he hate both of my children? I thought he liked them. I thought....but I was wrong. How could I have been so wrong?

She pushed the folded sheets aside languidly, wondering what else Jared could have up his sleeve in this instance, wondering if there were other instances to come, wondering how he could have thought of such things in advance, and been interested enough to address them all --and opened the envelope wider, letting the smaller sheet of folded paper fall out. She fingered it, wondering about it.

If the problem is Ryan, read the next note, if not throw it away. She knew she would too. She believed and trusted Jared and would do as he had asked. So, she thought, is the problem Ryan? And do I want Jared's advice about Ryan? How would Ryan feel to know Jared had thought of this? How do I feel to know that Jared thought of this? I feel amazed at his perception, his forethought. I feel sad that he died and left me here to cope with this.

Mia:

Okay, there are two sheets of paper here, one to be read if you are married to Ryan and one to be read in the event that you are considering marriage to Ryan, and aren't sure. And in this case, if you don't fall into either category, read them both. (You like that idea, don't you, Miss Curious?)

Hm... you are considering marrying Ryan. I would like to think that Ryan returned from his mission honorably and found you waiting for him, and you guys hit it off where you left off before I entered the picture. You were on the road to a very comfortable and happy marriage Melia, I hope you aren't considering throwing that investment away. I want you to remember all the good times before his mission. I want you to consider everything you loved about him, seriously, and really decide if there is anything holding you back besides me. If there is, then wait.... If there isn't, and it's only me, real serious here, babe.... Take a deep breath.... If it's only me holding you back.... Then know this... I willingly give you to him. I want you to be together forever. It's what I want more than anything.

However....

I do have one concern. As a kid Ryan had a real tendency to hold grudges. He hated to be wrong, in the wrong, or have others think of him as wrong. It was a real character flaw, or trait, or whatever. He is my brother and I love him, but I am not immune to his weaknesses or faults. Especially where it comes to his dealings with you. If you are in a situation where you feel that there is a possibility that he could be toying with you for revenge, I want you to confront him. Ask him straight up if that is the case. You'll know by his eyes if it is, and if it is, you need to stop seeing him for awhile. He usually gets over his grudge after awhile, but not always. And you don't need to be in the middle of his revenge game. Let him deal with it and work it out. Time is on your side. He may come around. I doubt he could hold a grudge against you for a long time. If you two are meant to be, then you will be.

Okay... worst case scenario.

Ryan didn't complete his mission, came home and pushed you to marry him right away and you did. And something isn't quite right and you feel like a traitor reading this letter, but you can't help yourself. Well, you're right, you're married now, and you should be loyal to your husband. I agree. However, it's not like you and I ever split up, we didn't divorce, we were physically separated, and that's that, but it wasn't by choice. So, I think it's okay for me to write this, and it's okay for you to read it.

Melia, you are stronger than you think. You can take a lot. You are smarter than you think too. You can think for yourself, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your power of deduction. You have got to think this through. Ask yourself these questions: Is there abuse? Is there neglect? Is there love? Is it a true marriage? Are you working together toward a common goal? Only you can answer these questions Melia, and if you are honest and think hard I know you will come to the right conclusion.

If bad stuff is happening, you need to get help. You need to confide in your dad. Or my dad. Or your Bishop. Or another worthy priesthood holder. Don't wait. Do it soon. Don't live in an intolerable situation.

Bad things happen to good people Mia, and a bad thing happened to Ryan, he lost his girl. It was devastating. Not to mention he was betrayed by a brother he held in high esteem and trusted. It was a huge betrayal. There is every possibility that he will not be able to get over this without some kind of professional help, or a lot of time between events. If a lot of time hasn't occurred, and you are in a bad situation, you need to put some time and distance between you.

Ultimately you two have to figure it out yourselves. I love you, and will always love you. But not to interfere. If you still love me at all... get help.

Your loving husband, Jared

*******