049:

Tracy walked through the kitchen, trailing a hand on the marble counter top, listening to sounds of rain on the roof two stories above them, but magnified by the vaulted ceiling in the living room just off the kitchen. The beautiful picture windows allowed foggy grayish light into the room. She stood there, remembering.

Jared... this was where she'd known Jared. And his presence was all around this place. She could see him, unbelievably vivid.... In the kitchen, after a run, bald head sweaty from exertion, tank top wet... the way he had that funny little smile always in place. As if life had dealt him something unexpected....

It had.

First a death sentence and then....

Continuance.

Hannah.

Tracy left her shoes by the back door, checked the hamper in the laundry room, found that Melia had done the laundry, and she gathered it into a basket and took it with her down the hall. Melia was not staying in the room she'd shared with Jared, she was on the main floor, and this room had a huge walk in closet, faced away from the ocean, and had plenty of space for a crib, and a bassinet.

"Hi Mia." She said as she entered the room, which was warm, and then she realized Melia had started a fire.

Melia looked up from her laptop, she was sitting cross-legged on her bed, with Hannah sleeping next to her, all sprawled out. "Mommy!" She cried and started to roll toward her, but Tracy set the laundry basket down and climbed up on the bed, giving her daughter a hug.

"This was one of the last places I expected you to go in a crises." She said with a slight chuckle, and ran a hand over Melia's unbound hair gently, looking into her eyes, which had seemed troubled at the awards night two nights ago, but not now.

Melia looked back at the laptop, clicked on something a couple of times, and then closed it up and pushed it aside, wrapping her arms around her knees. She scooted back against the pillows. "Is this a crises? I guess it is."

Tracy cocked her chin in the direction of the baby. "How's the princess?" she asked.

"As adorable as ever, starting to get into things. She can crawl anywhere she wants to now." Melia smiled fondly as she smoothed her own daughter's hair.

"Have you thought of a name for the new baby?" Tracy asked, a rather non-committal question, as she felt that any other questions would be considered prying. It would all come out in due time, that was for sure.

Melia reached behind her, a struggle against the weight of her belly, and found the scriptures Jared had been using before he passed away. She opened them to his bookmark which was a piece of burrito wrapper folded outside in, and on it was written, "I really admire this woman."

And a note.

"For Melia, when you find this, which I know you will eventually, hopefully later rather than sooner, I want you to know this is how far I got in your Book of Mormon, and I believe it is true. I wish I'd had time to read more, I think I would have liked it. But so you know, and Hannah will know, I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior. Just so you know. You shared that much with me, and I admire those who share what they believe. That's why I sit here pondering this woman, this Abish, a servant woman in Lamoni's castle. She has a lot of courage. She isn't afraid to share. She's like you, Mia.

Love Jared."

"It's his testimony." Tracy breathed, fingering the wrapper carefully. "What a prolific thinker he was! I am astounded at his thoughtfulness. To leave that there for you to find." She closed the book, looking at the outside. "These aren't your normal Sunday carry to church scriptures are they?"

"No, they're old seminary scriptures. I was letting him use them, so he could have his own set while he read. I didn't take them with me when I left for Australia, and as you know I haven't been back here since." Melia smiled as if realizing it herself for the first time. "I'm okay being here, Mommy. If I wasn't expecting his baby any day, I might not be okay here, but as it is, I feel secure here. I feel fine here. It's familiar."

Tracy nodded eagerly. "Yes! I agree." She breathed closing the book and laying it aside. "So... to answer my question? You're naming the baby Abish?"

Melia picked up the book and smoothed the cover. Her smile was wondering. "In a way, he named her himself... again."

Tracy laughed outright. "Of course, he did! Isn't that amazing! He really did!" And then her eyes filled with tears and she clasped her fingers over her face and turned away. "I'm sorry, Mia." She gasped and then let herself cry for just a minute, before getting a hold of it and wiping her eyes with the bed quilt.

"Her name is Abish May." Melia smiled. "Abish for her daddy's favorite scriptural character, and May because that's when she's due, but also because of a woman I met recently, Karen May DeMarco. Her funeral was today. I went to it."

Tracy continued to give her daughter a level look, but she was surprised at Melia's choice, and surprised at Melia's actions.

Melia went on though, her voice undisturbed. "I think trying to help Robert through his wife's last days was cleansing for me actually. I felt closer to God than I have in months and closer to other people too. I think I came to terms with the way some people have to die... of illnesses, and cancers and things like that. It's horribly sad, but it's part of life and a test for those left behind. A test not to hate God for taking those we love. As I explained it to Robert, I felt a lot of peace for myself."

"I think time healed things for me." Tracy said wistfully, remembering the dark days after Raine died, when she'd felt so alone and yet so confused. She said so.

"It's probably not the same. You woke up one morning with all the expectations of having him with you forever and all your life. I woke up each day knowing it could be our last." Melia swallowed. "I do feel confused, but not about death."

Tracy nodded, waiting for her to go on. When she didn't, she prompted her. "About Ryan?"

Melia nodded. "We have talked about this before." She reminded. "The weird similarities."

Tracy nodded. "Yeah, what are the chances? Zero to none. That both of us would marry young and have our husbands die young, and be left to raise their children alone.... Even having two daughters is the same."

"But we aren't alone. You had daddy, and I have Ryan."

Tracy swallowed her doubts. "Do you? Do you have Ryan? Because I guess I was under the impression that you kicked him out after a domestic brawl in the driveway at the Huntington Beach condo the other day."

"Well, I have talked to him. I did kind of kick him out, but he was really mean to me. I didn't kick him out for good. We- we have just decided not to live together until after the baby comes. He has a project to work on, and I- I intend to stay here for awhile."

"Are you going to stay married then?" Tracy asked, deciding not to beat around the bush.

Melia nodded again. "Yes. He says he's very sorry and he has tried to somewhat explain why he treated me so badly. He says it's because of the baby, because the baby is a leftover piece of Jared still inside me, and he doesn't want to.... Well, basically, he doesn't want to fight Jared for me."

Tracy's brows drew together. "Hm." She mumbled, wondering at the underlying words she wasn't hearing. There was more to this than met the eye, but until Melia or Ryan took it to another level, there was nothing she could do about it. "How about a snack?" She suggested getting up from the bed.

Melia's phone buzzed, and she answered it without looking. "Hello?" She said, in her cheeriest possible voice under the circumstances.

"Hi." It was Ryan. He sounded out of breath and toneless, as if he were trying to decide what to say to her, as if he had to call her for some reason, but...

"What's up?" she asked.

"Can I come out there? I'm off for the evening, and I want to be with you." He still sounded rushed, and clipped.

"My mom is here." She said, not that that mattered any, but she wasn't sure she was ready to see him yet.

She heard his sigh of resignation. "Are you going to give me another chance?"

It was easier to talk to him now without him there, no expectations, being on the phone was very familiar. "Why? What kind of chance do you want? Why don't you start by telling me why you wanted to marry me, and why you pushed it, and what kind of creepy agenda you have now that we are legally married."

He sighed again. "Okay." He said contritely, and Melia was again reminded of the Ryan she had known before. The Ryan she'd met and loved once upon a time...

"And wait." She said. "I want you to know that I care about you." She reassured. "But I don't get what happened on our wedding night or right after it, like all the guys nights, leaving me alone, and not sleeping together... and the phone... "

"Yeah." He said curtly. "Speaking of the phone, can you hang on?" He clicked off without waiting for her answer and Melia shook her head, held the phone out away from her ear and stared at it. "Unbelievable."

******