043:

Two days went by. Two of the most confusing days of her life. Each moment was filled with the most profound confusion she'd ever felt. Ryan treated her with respect, but that was it. All the previous feelings of closeness had dissipated. Where had they gone? Had they ever been there?

She sat on the deck, cold, wrapped in her jacket and a blanket, with the baby monitor on the little glass and wicker patio table at her side so she could hear Hannah. That night, that miserable first night.... He had rejected her so thoroughly; she hadn't even been able to sleep. She'd changed out of the green wedding lingerie she'd brought out for the occasion, and into sweats and a sweatshirt, pulling her hair back into a ponytail, she'd stared at his closed door in bewilderment.

Bewildered was a good word for what she felt, she thought. It might be the only word. It became obvious the next day that Ryan wasn't playing the game with her.... Just around her. He'd got up, found some breakfast, as she'd still been sitting there in the living room where she'd been all night, curled up in front of the fire, replaying their entire last six months in her head over and over, looking for some flaws, some clue as to what was going on right now. And after he ate, he played a computer game for about an hour, and then decided to go for a horseback ride.

Melia sat there thinking, uninvited, not included, shunned....

Okay.

He'd been hurt when he first came home from his mission, hurt and contrite, and needy. She'd felt protective, wanting to help him. It had developed into what she thought was friendship. They'd spent a lot of time talking on the phone, as they'd both had projects they were working on. They saw each other maybe more than they saw others, but there had been others for awhile. And then the others had slowly been crowded out as they'd become more and more exclusive.

She hadn't misread that, had she?

They had become closer, hadn't they?

Or was she too busy to really see? She wracked her brain. She had been so darn busy.

Had he really paid more attention to her than to anyone else? She didn't know. Had he really seemed committed to their relationship more than to any other relationship? She didn't know.

She suddenly felt like she didn't know him-- at all.

When he came back she had showered and put on a smile. His response was to ask if she wanted to go to her mother's for dinner, since he had plans with some guys in town: guys night.

Shock had registered.

By the third day, she'd known she had to confront him and she did. She'd gone right in while he was showering, in his bathroom and asked him what was going on? Were they married or not?

"If by married, you mean are we legally together? Yep, Yessiree, we sure are, Melia. Married with the paper to show for it." He said triumphantly.

"You have a strange way of showing it." She had said, glaring at him in the doorway as he dried off.

"Well." He'd answered pragmatically. "You seem to mean are we married in full, like is it going to be consummated....and the answer is no, not while you still have pieces of him inside you. I don't want to be in you while another guy is there too."

That bit! Crude... disgustingly put! That made no sense to her. The baby was a girl baby, was that what he referred to? Didn't want to be in her while the baby was in her? But no, he made it clear in the next breath that the Him he meant was Jared.

"I don't want Jared's girl, I want my own girl back."

"So, let me get this straight. You're not going to have... sex with me, until after the baby is born?"

"For starters." He said, gathering his stuff.

They stood glaring at each other for a full minute. "Then we aren't really married, are we? I don't think you mentioned that this was a problem for you. I distinctly remember you saying that you wanted to be the girl's daddy, I distinctly remember you repeatedly telling me that none of what went on before mattered to you anymore."

His face was closed to her. "I never said it didn't matter, Melia. It mattered a lot back then, and it matters now." And then with a small glare in her direction, he'd snapped on his things and left for the guys again.

The confusion melted into anger as she stood at the window and watched him back out of the driveway.

She felt tricked and abused. She felt sad and deceived.

The person he had been the last four to six months wasn't the person she knew or remembered. She wasn't sure what to do about it either. She sat down, with her face in her hands and thought about what she could be feeling. She wanted to feel hurt, she wanted to cry.

But suddenly all the tears again turned to anger. She sniffed, and wiped at her face as if the tears had been there, and needed to be wiped. Jared would never, even in his hurt or disappointment or whatever, he would never have treated her so callously, so dishonorably. What had been the purpose of convincing her to marry him if he didn't want to be... married?

She thought about annulment. She could have it annulled. They hadn't done anything and since the moment of 'You may kiss the bride', he hadn't even touched her at all.

Was he waiting for her to make a move? But he sure hadn't made himself available.

Dry-eyed, she went to the bathroom and shut the door. What was it about her? Was she so awful?

Why had he lied? Why had he made her care for him? Why had he pretended to care for her?

She stared hard at her reflection, and then she opened the door, went to her cell phone and picked it up. "Hey, Mommy? When's Daddy's awards night? Is that coming up soon?"

"You're not expected to go under the circumstances, Melia, you need to rest and relax and enjoy yourselves."

"Oh, no, that's all right, Mommy. Just text me the info, will you? I really think I want to be there for Daddy."

******