At the moment I'm listening to songs I used to listen to when I was mentally totally unstable and I just wanted to end it all, I just wanted to die. Now I don't think about this anymore, or at least I can't relate to it. But when I am listening to these songs I feel like something is missing. This feeling of being sad. This feeling that I won't be alive the next day, of hoping that I won't be alive the next day. And it makes me feel uncomfortable, not having depression sitting on my shoulder like a little devil, dressed as an angel and telling me that she would be there, she would help me, I just had to follow her commands. Sometimes I miss my illness. I miss depression, I miss anorexia. I miss the feeling of protection they gave me. They protected me from other people who wanted to hurt me or to come close to me (as I thought). I know they did wrong but it felt save. I know that I'm better without them.  But sometimes I feel lonely without them. And when it comes to the moment I hear a song I used to listen to in the past, all of this feelings come over me and make me feel overwhelmed.