I really don't have a problem with being alone. I like being alone. 
But on some days I don't really understand myself. I don't want to see anybody or hear from anyone, but at the same time I want somebody to care. I want somebody to just be there and hear me whine about things and thoughts I don't understand myself.
These days I simply don't want to exist. Wouldn't it be nice to just be able to logg off from life and just sleep for weeks but you wouldn't miss something? Like when you're awake again your body and mind is completly charged, you're happy and well rested and you wouldn't have to feel miserable because you just slept for weeks, because you didn't miss anything. 
Right now I can't describe what I'm feeling, but it's like I'm not really invisible, that'd be too easy to say. It's like I'm painfully visible, but totally ignored. 
I know it's not that people don't care about me, I know they do, but my mind tells me something else. I feel like I've hit that part of the movie where the hero walks away from the explosion in slow motion but instead of turning my back I'm trapped in the fire and everything else is moving so fast.
My mind gets so dark sometimes, it's so hard to try and get it colorful again. 
And when it's dark, I ask myself, How do I find someone who wouldn't get sick of me? I feel like I'm contaminated and everyone who comes near me gets infected with boredom and sadness or madness. But well I guess not everyone I meet is right for me. I guess two people who shouldn't be together is like drinking two medications that shouldn't be consumed together. If we drink it there's chaos and danger. I guess sometimes we need to go through an overdose of sadness until we find the right person.
But it's so hard sometimes. You know that feeling? When you're just waiting? Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day? That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong, but nothing's right either. And you're tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one's going to do that. No one's going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. And at the same time you don't want to be fixed, because there's nothing to fix. But you're still waiting. And you're tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy, because it's never easy. To be simple, to be helped, to be saved. 
But you know you won't be. But you're still hoping and you're still wishing. And you're still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You're fighting. And you're afraid of the time you're tired of it. 
Everyone tells me I'm not alone, but I am! When I'm in my bed at night, trying to catch my breath because my mind wandered too far into darkness and I feel like I can't breathe and I don't know how to get out of there, I'm alone. 
When I can't find the right words to say what's wrong with me again, I'm alone.
When I can't go out to meet someone because I'm caught up in my thoughts and I don't know how to get out of there, I'm alone. 
I'm alone when I cry myself to sleep at night because there's no such thing as crying because I don't know what's wrong with me either.
At the same time I already know I'm not alone, I just feel like I am.
Even when I'm with people, I just feel so alone and disconnected.
I know it's about me and not them, I just don't know when that feeling started and how to get rid of it..
And now I'm writing this stuff and I don't even know if anyone reads it or maybe even relate to it but I just don't really know what to do.