The time between when we started dating and when Chris had to leave to start filming again went by painfully fast. We made the most of every minute we had before he left, but it still didn't feel like enough time. He called almost every day and I hung onto those brief conversations between his shoots as tight as I could. But it still wasn't the same.

"Hey, sorry I couldn't call you earlier they held me on for longer than I thought they would." I could hear how tired he was but something shone through in his voice and I could tell he was happy to talk to me. We were on the same page there. 

"No worries. You're a busy man saving the world and all that." I joked.

"I'd rather be in your world than saving a fake one if I'm being honest." 

I smiled. He somehow always knew what to say to put me at ease. "This one's pretty boring I've got to say. I do have a little bit of news though."

"Let me guess. Estelle finally let you pick the bar Friday night?"

"Oh if only, that would probably be the single greatest accomplishment of my life." I laughed. "Maybe not quite as exciting, but an online magazine picked up one of my short stories."

"Laurel, oh my god! That's incredible, woah." His excitement made me smile. I hadn't been with someone who had been so supportive of my writing, even though I never let him read any of it. "Who's publishing it?" I hesitated for a second and he sensed it immediately. "Are you ever gonna let me read anything you write?" He laughed, but I could tell he was a little frustrated. Every time he asked to see something I'd written I was adamant about keeping it to myself. He knew writing was something I'd cared about so much my entire life, and he just wanted to see the part of me that I let spill out onto those pages. And yet, I had chosen to keep it all a secret from him. 

"I was going to-" I stopped when I heard people talking in the background of Chris' call. He muttered a few words of acknowledgment to whoever had just come into the room then turned his attention back to our phone call. 

"Laurel, I'm sorry, they're calling me back now. I thought I'd have a little more time to talk but I'll call you later, okay."

"Yeah of course." He quickly apologized again before hanging up. I sighed. Our conversations were getting progressively shorter and shorter. I knew it wasn't because he didn't want to talk to me, he was just busy being a hero. It just came in the job description. I just still wasn't entirely sure where I fell in all of that. 

Estelle could tell immediately that I was in less than a perfect mood after that phone call. "How's it going, kid?" She asked as gently as possible as I walked out of my room and into the kitchen. 

I sighed and sat down at the counter. "We got any wine left?"

She laughed and got up to look through our liquor cabinet. "I guess that answers that question. What happened?"

"I mean, nothing really happened we just." I stopped. I didn't know how to spit it out without feeling like a whiny baby. 

"Stop clamming up and just spill it." Estelle said, placing a glass of wine in front of me. "You're allowed to have feelings, it's normal. And I'm the last person on earth to judge you for it after seeing me when Andrew and I broke up."

"Oh god. I think that was the worst week of my life."

"You and me both. Now, tell me what happened with Chris." I hesitated again. "I'm a lot cheaper than a therapist."

I rolled my eyes at her but couldn't help to laugh a little. "Okay, okay. I just, I don't know. Ever since he left it just feels like we've slowly been drifting apart. And I know it's cause he's crazy busy but still. I'd like to be able to have an actual conversation with him without being interrupted by someone calling him back to set." Getting the words out there made me feel better, but it was still hard to acknowledge the truth. "Who was I kidding. We've barely been dating a month and I thought we'd be able to go 4 without seeing each other."

"Hey, come on don't talk like that. You liked him and you were optimistic, there's nothing wrong with that." I sat there in silence and sipped my wine. Estelle took a deep breath and I knew I was in for quite the talking to. "Laurel, I know you don't want to admit it, but we can all see how much you like Chris. I haven't seen you as happy with anyone in years as you are when you're with him. Your face lights up every time he calls or texts you and that look you get when you see him? Jesus, hun you've got it bad even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. And don't even get me started on the way he looks at you. It makes me want to melt seeing you guys together because it's just so obvious that you're crazy about each other." She was right. And I know it sounds crazy that I didn't want to admit it but it all just seemed to good to be true. Literally the sweetest guy in the world decided that I was the one he wanted to spend time with. The one he was clearly trying his hardest to make it work with even though we were several hundred miles apart. "Your silence is testimony in itself to how right I am." She said and took a sip of her wine, clearly proud of her accomplishment.

"Okay, let's not be too proud alright?" It felt better to know that from an outside perspective it was clear Chris and I really cared about each other. Estelle's phone buzzed on the counter in front of me and I saw it was a text to a group with her, Jules, and Casey. She saw it pop up too and quickly grabbed her phone. "What are Jules and Casey texting you about that I'm not involved in?"

"Oh it's nothing." She said, her eyes glued to the screen. I could tell she was hiding something and I did not like it. 

"Come on, tell me. It can't be that big of a deal." She finally looked up from her phone and she looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Really Laurel, it's nothing I swear." She started to say something else but I snatched the phone from her hands before she could get it out. "We were gonna tell you, but we just didn't know when to do it."

When I looked at the group message my jaw practically fell to the floor. It was a picture of Chris and I getting into his car right outside my apartment building. I scrolled up and it was more of the same. Paparazzi picture after paparazzi picture of Chris and I together. Intimate moments that I thought had been just between us but were now apparently available to the whole world. I set the phone back on the counter in silence.

"We knew it was gonna upset you, that's why we didn't show anything to you right away." I was stunned. I had no idea how to respond. My closest friends were keeping this a secret from me. I knew they meant well but it still hurt to see all of it right in front of me.

"How did you guys even find all of these?" I said after sitting in silence for a while.

She hesitated before responding. "Jules may have had Chris Evans on google alert for the past month or so." I stared at her completely silent again. "It was just so that we would know right away if there was anything bad coming out so we could tell you and do something about it right away. We didn't think it would be that big of a deal."

I shook my head. "I get it. And I don't think I'm upset about you guys keeping a tab on it it's just-" I tried to keep myself composed as I spoke because I could feel the tears starting to come. "I need a little time to think."

"Okay." Estelle responded, her voice was barely a whisper. "I'll be in my room if you need to talk." She squeezed my shoulder lovingly and walked back to her room. Once I heard her door shut I grabbed my glass of wine and headed out to sit on our tiny balcony. I hid a pack of cigarettes out there, and if there was ever a time to smoke it seemed like now was it. I knew that it shouldn't have been that big of a deal seeing those pictures. I mean they were just pictures. But it felt like so much more. Those moments that were just ours were suddenly free for everyone to see, to make their own opinions of me without even knowing what my fucking name was. I couldn't even fathom the idea of rabid fans hating my guts for taking the man they loved away from them. It was too much for me to take. I had already felt like Chris and I were on shaky ground before, but this made it feel like that ground was falling out beneath me. 

Once I had calmed down a bit more I pulled out my phone and sent Chris a text.

Laurel

Hey, can we talk sometime tomorrow?

Chris

Yeah of course. Is everything okay?

Was it okay? I really didn't know at that point. All I did know is that talking to him would either settle all my fears for good or make me realize that maybe this wasn't what I hoped it would be. And I did know that I didn't want him to worry so I had to seem as normal as possible.

Laurel

Yeah, I just wanna hear your voice again.

*****

I told Chris that he could call me after I got home from work the next day and he promised me he would be free to talk the second I got off. I think he could tell something wasn't quite right and he wanted to make sure I knew he was there for me. Estelle knew exactly what was going on so when I barely said a word to her after getting home she didn't try to push it. I was already about to have one difficult conversation, I didn't need to make it two. I tossed my bag on the chair by my closet and sat on the edge of my bed waiting for his call. My heart was pounding. I had no idea where this conversation was going to go and I was dreading it. I didn't have much more time to stress before he called. 

I took a deep breath before I picked up the phone. "Hey." I tried to sound as not nervous as possible but I don't think it worked very well. 

"What's going on? You seem like you have a lot on your mind."

"Oh, I don't know I just-" I sighed. I couldn't dance around it, I just had to get it out. "Lately I just feel like this is all a lot to handle." 

"I understand that, and I'm sorry that it has to be like this. Is there anything I can do to try and make you feel better right now?" I knew every word he said was sincere, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, but I just had to say it. 

"You know how much I care about you right?"

I could sense his tension as soon as I said it. "Yeah, of course I do."

"So I want you to know that even though I'm saying this right now, I still care about you so much. If it was just about you being gone I don't think it would be as big of a deal but there are still all these pictures coming out of us and I just don't think I can handle it anymore. I don't think I can keep doing this right now." 

There was a long pause and my stomach dropped. I didn't regret saying it because it really was how I felt, but I knew it would hurt him and that was the worst part. I heard him take a deep breath before he started talking again. "Okay." He said quietly and his voice sounded strained. "I wish I could've done something to make this better, but I understand."

"I'm so sorry, Chris."

"It's okay, Laurel. You don't have to apologize for how you feel." We both fell silent again for a while, neither of us really wanted to be the first to go knowing that this might be the last time we talked. "I gotta go, but-" The words I'll talk to you later almost came out but he caught himself just in time. "Bye Laurel."