When I got home that night I sat in my car trying to brace myself to face Estelle. The thing that finally coaxed me out was a text from her telling me my food was getting cold. I walked inside and tried to pretend that everything was completely normal and I didn't just make my life more complicated than it already was. The act lasted for the thirty seconds it took me to walk from the front door into our kitchen. "What the fuck is up with you tonight?"

"What do you mean?" I said, my voice two octaves higher than usual.

"Stop trying to hide it, I know you too well." She said as she got her own food together. "Did something happen with Chris?"

With my back still facing her, I took a deep breath and came out with it. "I kissed Chris."

She was silent for a while before she sighed. "Oh boy."

"Is that all you have to say?" I asked, turning back around to face her.

"I mean, I don't really know what you want me to say about it." She said. "Did it mean something to you?"

I opened my mouth to respond but shut it before I could say anything. I didn't want it to mean anything. I had spent this much time trying to convince myself that I no longer had feelings for Chris and I didn't want to admit that I was deluding myself. All the time we were spending together under the guise of just being friends was really just me trying to spend as much time with him as possible without being honest with myself. I hesitated again before I finally spoke. "I think it did." She turned away from me but not before I could see her smiling. "Why are you smiling about this? I just majorly fucked up."

"I'm just glad you've finally owned up to it." She said. "You haven't been acting the same since you and Chris broke up. And no matter how much you pretend to like Adam it's pretty obvious that you have never felt about him the way you do about Chris."

I sighed and leaned against the counter. "I really hate it when you're right." I said.

"You might hate me a little more after this, but you've got to talk to Adam now."

I buried my head in my hands. "Oh god, I didn't even think about that. How could I not think about that!" I shouted through my hands. "I'm such an awful person."

Estelle put her arm around my shoulder to comfort me. "You're not a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes and this one really isn't the worst in the grand scheme of things. But you do need to talk to Adam and tell him the truth. Be honest and say you don't want to be together anymore."

We stood in the kitchen for a few minutes in silence, my head leaning against her shoulder while she gently rubbed my back. "How did you learn to give such good advice?"

"I'm your perpetually single friend, it comes with the territory." She joked.

*****

That Friday I told Adam I would meet him at his apartment for dinner. At least if I broke up with him on his down turf he could dramatically throw me out and maybe he'd feel better about that. Wishful thinking, I know. Every minute I got closer to his apartment I felt more and more dread, but I knew this was the only course of action. To do anything else would make me more of an asshole than I already was.

When he opened the door to greet me I tried to plaster on a nice smile and seem normal. It didn't seem to work because his own smile faltered a little when he saw me. "Hey Laurel, I'm glad you could come over tonight." He gave me a kiss on the cheek and stepped aside to let me in.

"Me too." I told him.

"Are you okay? You seem a little tense."

I realized that I was gripping my purse so tight my knuckles were starting to turn white. "Oh yeah, I'm fine." I managed to say and released my hands from the strap of my purse. "Just had a stressful day at work."

"Those California yoga moms really can be assholes when they don't have their coffee." He took my purse and set it on his front table.

"If I had to pay a nanny to care for my kids I think I'd be exhausted too." I joked.

Adam laughed weakly and walked into the kitchen. "Well, the food is almost done and hopefully dinner will ease your stress a little.

"I certainly hope so."

I tried to act calm during dinner but I must have looked like a robot because Adam kept shooting me little concerned glances. He had to know something was up and the sooner I did it the better. It was time to rip off the bandaid.

He beat me to the punch. "Is there something you want to talk about? It seems like you have a lot more on your mind than just a bad day at work."

"You're very perceptive." I tried to joke but his face didn't break. I took a deep breath to steady myself before I continued. "I should have told you about this sooner, and for that I'm sorry, but I still have feelings for the guy I was seeing before you. It's not fair to you that I haven't been as invested in this relationship."

He leaned back into his chair and shook his head. "I knew this was coming."

"I'm really that transparent, aren't I."

He chuckled. "Very much so. I could tell these past few weeks that there was something up. I didn't want to believe it, but I could tell."

My heart sank. "I should have said something to you earlier. I'm so sorry Adam."

"No you're not." I was surprised at what he was saying, but he wasn't angry. "It's been obvious that whoever this guy before me was, he's still on your mind. You can't give anyone a fair shot if you're still hung up on him."

"You should be a therapist. I think you'd make good money." I said and managed to make him smile.

"I really hope everything works out for you, Laurel. You clearly care about him a lot and he's very lucky for that." We said our goodbyes and I drove back home. I was in a much better mood than most people would be after just breaking up with someone, but it was done. I did it and was overcome with relief.

*****

I had made sure that Estelle was invited to the Halloween party so I had someone in my corner to cheer me on. I really think she was just glad I had finally made up my mind instead of moping around the apartment like a character in a Jane Austen novel. "I really can't believe you're about to pour your heart out to him dressed as a man." Estelle said as I walked out of my room in my costume.

"Oh, come on. John Lennon is a great costume idea. At least I'm not being boring and unoriginal." I said and gestured to her vampire costume that she had worn the year before.

"It's a tried-and-true, what can I say." I rolled my eyes at her and tossed her her keys. "You ready for this?" She asked.

"You know, yeah I am." For the first time in a while it really did feel like I was making the right decision and now all I could do was hope Chris would feel the same way.

Estelle gave me a pep talk on the way to the party, but the second we walked into Chris' house I had butterflies in my stomach so bad I could have sworn I was about to throw up. Before I could bail back to the car Josh spotted us and my window of escape closed. "Hey guys, nice to see you here."

"Well, we have the party planner in chief here." Estelle wrapped her arm around me and gave me a quick squeeze. "There's no way we would miss it."

"Speaking of party planners, have you seen Chris?" I asked. "I wanted to talk to him really quickly."

"Last I saw him he was talking to someone in the living room. The alcohol is in the kitchen, by the way." He winked at me. It was obvious that I needed a little liquid courage. I smiled at him and walked into the kitchen, Estelle right behind me.

I shakily picked up a beer from a tub of ice in the kitchen and struggled to open it myself. Estelle gently put her hand on my arm and opened the bottle for me. "I know you're worried about this, but everything will be okay regardless of what happens. Once you do this there will be no more what-ifs and you can put this aside if you have to."

I looked out into the living room from where we were standing, but I couldn't see Chris anywhere. "You think he sensed what I was going to do and ran away?" I joked.

"Would you just shut up and go look around. It's his house he's bound to be here somewhere." I walked around the party for a few minutes trying to find him with no luck. I chatted with a few people but when I still couldn't find him I went out to the patio to smoke a cigarette in defeat. I pulled out the pack I hid inside my jacket from Estelle and sat down on a bench in the best spot I could find to avoid being seen from inside.

"You know, I almost didn't realize it was you with that mustache." I turned and saw Chris closing the glass door behind him and walking over to me.

"It really does complete the look." I laughed.

"That it does." He said and sat next to me. "Mind if I bum one off you?" He gestured to the pack in my lap.

"Not at all." I handed him the pack and lit his cigarette for him. "I was looking for you earlier, but it seems you disappeared."

He looked at the ground and took a drag. "Yeah, I just needed a second by myself. There are so many fucking people in this house. Not quite sure how I got roped into hosting this." He laughed. We both sat in silence for a while before he spoke again. "So, why were you looking for me?"

I tapped on the cigarette with my forefinger and tried to steady myself. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

I could feel him tense next to me. It was the smallest movement but I could tell he was nervous. "Nothing bad, I hope."

I shook my head. "Nothing bad." I took a deep breath before I spoke again. "I broke up with Adam."

"Oh. I'm sorry about that, Laurel. Really that sucks." He said.

"It wasn't the worst thing in the world, if I'm being honest. I've been through worse break ups." I said and looked over at him.

He leaned back against the wall. "If this was my fault, I really am sorry I didn't mean-"

I put my hand on his arm as I interrupted him. "Chris. It's not your fault. If anyone is responsible for it it's me for not owning up to how I really feel about you."

He looked back at me and he eased a little. "So I didn't fuck up too bad the other day?"

I laughed. "No, not at all. You made me realize how I actually feel. I couldn't ignore it any longer. I had to confront it head on."

"The kiss was that good, eh."

"Oh, shut up." I laughed.

He tossed his cigarette on the ground and rubbed it out with his shoe. "Laurel, I want to make it work this time. My life is complicated to say the least, but I want to be there for you the best I can. I care about you so much. I don't want to lose you this time."

"You won't lose me. I promise." I looked into his eyes and I again felt like I could get lost in them. As much as we had been through in the small time we knew each other, it was all worth it just to keep getting lost in those eyes. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. I felt myself melt into him and the rest of the world faded into black. I was right where I was supposed to be.