Author's note: Hey guys, thank you so much for all the supportive comments you left me last week! It's felt really weird not posting twice this week but I feel a lot better in terms of organisation now which is good. I hope you're all doing okay, here's chapter twenty eight, enjoy! (also 12k reads  and #1 in the #loki tag a few days ago?? what the heck thank you so much <3)

...

As you had suspected, the day dragged.

First you got out of your gear and showered, climbing into some joggers and a hoodie afterwards and not bothering to dry your hair, which you shoved into a messy bun on top of your head. Then breakfast, which you were forced to eat by a very stubborn Nat. You found yourself obsessively looking at the clock, as if that was going to change anything. How had it only been forty minutes?

Thankfully there was a distraction a few minutes later as Tony arrived with news of the mission yesterday. Ricci was in his rightful place, Penelope was unharmed but understandably upset (as it turned out, she hadn't known that her incredibly rich and good-looking boyfriend had been a criminal mastermind), and was planning on flying back to England imminently. No one else had been hurt at the party, just very confused and hungover. Overall it had gone as well as you could have hoped it would. Apart from Loki.

"As for Fury, it remains to be seen what he'll make of Loki getting injured." Tony said finally, directing this at you and Thor.

You hadn't even thought about that. Would Fury be mad, or pleased at how Loki had acted to benefit the mission? What would happen as a result of the decision he would have to make?

You couldn't deal with all of these what if's, you just wanted to know if Loki was actually going to be okay before any of that. This was a question which would be answered about twenty-five minutes later when Bruce entered the room... and smiled at you.

"He's fine. It's incredible how fast he's healing, I've only ever seen that rate of healing with Thor before. And you, with your leg Y/N." he said, heading to the kitchen for some food.

"It's because we're Asgardian, we heal quickly." Thor supplied helpfully.

"And gods." you added, smiling for the first time since last night. Relief didn't even begin to cover how you felt.

"That too." Thor nodded.

"Well, he's not consciously healing himself at the moment. He's on a lot of drugs so he'll be out for a few hours I expect." Bruce continued. You couldn't help but feel disappointed; you tried not to show it in your face.

"You're a star Bruce. Thank you." you told him, receiving a smile in return.

The day continued to drag; now you were waiting for Loki to wake up rather than news, and while you weren't as tense you were still eager for him to wake up so you could talk to him. There was a lot to talk about. Mostly why he'd felt the need to take a bullet for you. Your heartrate sped up every time you thought about talking to him about it, but it wasn't exactly a topic you could avoid. You'd just have to cross that bridge when you came to it.

An hour passed, then two. It wasn't even midday yet. Tony offered to take you driving again, but you declined, wanting to be at the tower when Loki woke up. When Nat offered to do some training with you at about half twelve, you jumped at her offer; Steve's protests ("We only just went on a mission yesterday!") fell on deaf ears as you practically ran to get changed. Two hours later after a dedicated training session, you finally admitted to Nat that you should probably stop and have some lunch before you collapsed or starved to death. A quick shower and change of clothes later you were eating lunch with Nat and Bruce, and being reassured that it was perfectly normal that Loki hadn't woken up yet.

Three o'clock. Then four. A familiar sense of worry had settled on your chest again. 'A few hours', that's what Bruce had said. The others' incessant reassurance was beginning to drive you slightly insane, so you retreated to your room to try and distract yourself. You read six pages of a book, then watched some Netflix, then rearranged your wardrobe and tidied your drawers. Five o' clock came and went, and then you resorted to lying on your bed and staring at the ceiling. What would you say to him when he woke up? You desperately wanted him to know how you felt, but actually having the guts to tell him... that was a different matter. But he'd almost died. And for you! What if he had really died, and you'd never told him? For the hundredth time, you gave yourself a reality check. He. Was. A. God. It was never going to happen, and the sooner you accepted that, the easier things would get.

But you loved him.

The thought thrilled you almost as much as it utterly terrified you. You were in love with him. It was so typical for you to have fallen for the one person who you could never have.

Don't think about it.

You returned to the kitchen for food a while later, and tried to seem involved with the conversations that were circulating around the room between various people. After you'd eaten you helped to clear everything up, you then resigned yourself to sitting on the sofa in between Thor and Clint to watch TV. You wished that everything was normal, so that you could enjoy sitting in the company of your friends, who all seemed happy and relaxed.

After several hours of talking, watching and listening, it was almost half past ten. Slowly, everyone started drifting off to bed, and eventually you stood up too.

"Going to bed?" Tony asked, looking mildly surprised.

"Yeah, I'm tired from training earlier. I don't fancy another night on the sofa, as comfy as they are." you replied with a smile.

The guys left in the living room bid you goodnight as you left the room, and you gave them a tired wave. Once in your pyjamas and in bed, you tried not to think about anything and fall asleep quickly. You were especially not thinking about Loki. Not worrying, or pining, or thinking about him at all.

It took you almost forty minutes to finally fall asleep.

...

When you woke up again, it was still dark. You rolled over to look at your alarm clock: it was half past two in the morning. Why were you awake? You rolled back over and shut your eyes again, getting comfy and already feeling yourself falling back asleep.

Y/N?

Your eyes flew open again.

You didn't even bother to get dressed, only stopping to grab a hoodie before running pyjama clad and half asleep through the dark, silent tower to get to the medical ward as fast as you could, the only audible sound your feet hitting the floor as you ran.

When you finally arrived, you thought you'd made a mistake: Loki looked like he was still asleep. Your heart sank almost as fast as it was beating. But then...

"Hey."

You collapsed in the chair which he usually occupied next to the bed.

"Hey." you whispered, scooting your chair a bit closer and pulling your knees up to your chin, removing your feet from the cold floor.

"Did I wake you up?" he asked, in a voice so quiet you had to strain to hear it.

"Yeah, it's half two in the morning." you told him, noticing as you spoke the end of a scar protruding from the neck of his gear, which Bruce had thankfully covered him back over with. He still wasn't using magic. Good.

"Sorry. How long was I out for?"

"We... I, found you early yesterday morning, so almost a day." you said.

"Found me?" he asked, his eyes still closed.

"You were out cold on the floor in the living room."

At that he gave the smallest of smirks, exuding something like satisfaction.

"How did you get back? Connecticut is almost a hundred miles away from New York." you asked in disbelief.

"That's not so far for a god. Even if he has been shot and left to die."

His words were like a punch in the stomach. Several, in fact.

"Loki I'm so sorry... I didn't want to leave you." you breathed, your throat suddenly very tight.

"I know that, I was only joking. You did the right thing." he told you, a hint of a smile on his face.

There followed a very long silence, in which you were sure you were both thinking about the moments after he'd been shot. You'd spent so long thinking up things to say when he woke up, and now you couldn't think of anything at all. You knew what you wanted to say... but now didn't seem like the best time. What would you say? 'Yes I know I left you to die, sorry about that. By the way, I'm desperately in love with you.' Definitely not.

The silence lasted for so long that you thought he might have fallen back asleep, and you were just considering returning to your room (your feet were getting really cold) when Loki spoke again.

"I got back because I told you I'd be alright. I keep my word."

You looked at him, to find that he was looking at you too.

"I'm so glad you're okay." you whispered, as if saying it quietly might disguise the genuine feeling behind it.

"It's just a scratch."

"You were shot." you exclaimed, smiling when you saw he was smirking again, properly this time. He moved a hand to press gently against his wound, and you winced as he inhaled deeply, obviously in pain.

"It's healing quickly, it should be pretty much gone by tomorrow." he told you, before freezing as he caught sight of something on his hand. You were confused, before you realised that he was looking at a scar on his hand. One which he usually hid with an illusion, along with all of his other scars. He looked at you sharply, before visibly deflating when he saw the sympathy on your face.

"You saw."

You nodded, thinking back to the masses of scars which you'd seen had covered almost every inch of his torso. He looked away swiftly.

"Why do you hide them?" you asked tentatively, after another long pause.

"Because they're hideous." he replied, with a scornful laugh, still avoiding looking at you.

"They're not."

"Easy for you to say."

"Yes, it is, because it's the truth." you told him, slightly more forcefully than you had intended.

More silence.

"What happened?" you asked tentatively, aware that you were crossing a line.

Loki looked at you.

"Sorry. You don't have to tell me." you backtracked swiftly.

"You know what happened. Thor told you about Thanos, didn't he?" Loki said, still looking at you.

You nodded. You'd known Loki had been through some shit, but those scars represented more than just 'some shit'. And now he would have another one, because of you.

"Don't look at me like that." he told you bluntly; you quickly tried to rearrange your features into a less sympathetic formation. When this failed, you just looked away instead.

"What happened to me was my own fault, I should have..."

"That's not what Thor told me." you interrupted.

"And what did Thor tell you?"

"Everything."

Loki froze.

"Define 'everything'."

You were confused. Why did this matter?

"Well... everything." you said, throwing him a confused look. He looked almost scared.

"He told me about the war between Jotunheim and Asgard, and how Odin found you and took you back to Asgard to..." you trailed off, unsure how to proceed.

"Use me?" Loki finished for you, a bitter undertone in his voice.

You didn't reply, searching for an alternate way of putting it. And giving up.

"Thor told me..."

"Do you know what I am?"

The abruptness of his tone threw you off and you looked at him in surprise, blanching when you saw that he was almost glaring at you.

"...a Frost Giant?"

He was now staring at you as if you'd just announced that you enjoyed killing puppies.

"You... how long have you known?"

"Thor told me ages ago, before you even got here. Why is it such a big deal?" you replied, borderline scared at the expression on his face.

"You don't understand. I'm not human, I'm not even Asgardian, I don't belong anywhere. I'm a... creature. A monster."

After almost twelve weeks of him showing next to no emotion and not once even mentioning talking about his feelings, it was safe to say that you were thrown by this declaration of self-hatred.

You dropped your feet back down to the floor and leaned forward slightly, trying to find the words.

"You're not a monster."

"I am. I've killed so many people."

"That doesn't make you a monster." you insisted, feeling your heart contract as Loki closed his eyes and shook his head. He looked like he was going to cry. You were all for expressing emotions, but you weren't sure how to handle this; it was breaking your heart. What you wanted to do was throw yourself at him and shake him and tell him how stupid he was being and then hug him until he stopped talking nonsense... but you couldn't.

"Everyone in this tower has killed people, apart from me, but that doesn't make all them monsters, does it?"

"You make it sound so simple." he said quietly.

For that you had no response. This time the silence stretched for so long that you started falling asleep, your head dropping to the side as your breathing became slower.

"Y/N, you're shivering. Go back to bed."

"No, I'm fine."

"You're cold."

"...a bit." you conceded.

"Go to bed."

You didn't want to leave him down here on his own. He must have heard you think that, because then he was rolling his eyes at you and telling you to leave again. You could tell he didn't really want you to. Looking around for inspiration, your eyes fell upon the blanket on one of the other beds, and you got up to get it, feeling Loki's eyes on you as you walked back around the bed.

"There." you said, sitting back down in the chair, this time with the blanket.

"Why are you so stubborn." he asked. He was pleased you were staying. You could just tell all these little things about him. Thor's story kept bouncing around in your head. Soulmates.

"Not stubborn. You slept in this chair for me; now it's my turn." you responded, already feeling sleepy again.

"...stubborn." Loki repeated. Your eyes were shut.

"Not."

"You are."

"Am not."

"You're quite literally contradicting yourself by continuing to argue."

You half laughed, almost asleep already. Now Loki was saying something else to you, but you couldn't even try and stay awake, and tiredness won you over.