You could hardly remember the journey back to Midgard. The next thing you remembered was that you were sat on a bed in a bedroom in the Avengers compound that was now apparently 'yours', alone, trying to process the fact that you couldn't get Loki back.

The gaping chasm in your chest was getting wider by the minute, threatening to engulf you entirely. Then Thor was there, sat by your side. The silence stretched painfully on and on, until finally he spoke.

"The Asgardians that made it out, before... well, they landed in a place called 'Norway', I don't know if you've heard of it."

You nodded, not taking your eyes from a piece of very intriguing fluff that was on the carpet, knowing exactly where this conversation was headed.

"I'm going there. You should come with me." Thor said, his voice full of emotion. You didn't reply for a moment, thinking.

"You're just leaving?" you finally asked. Grief had changed your voice; you sounded hollow.

"There's no reason for us to stay here." Thor replied sadly. You nodded slowly.

"I'm not giving up."

"Y/N-"

"No, I can't. I can't." you told Thor, looking up at him fiercely as your voice broke. You didn't want to lose him too. Thor sighed and put his arm around you.

"We tried Y/N. There's nothing else to do..."

"I refuse to believe that. There's magic, and Tony is the cleverest person on the planet, and there must be, there has to be a way-" you trailed off as you realised first how stupid and desperate you sounded, and second that Thor was this close to crying; he was holding it back for your sake.

After a few more minutes of silence Thor squeezed your shoulder and stood up.

"I'll stay for a week, okay?" he said, turning to look at you before he got to the door. You nodded. He wanted to give you time to change your mind. Then you were alone again.

Next in was Nat. She came and sat next to you as Thor had, reached for your hand, and then froze when she saw the ring on your finger. She hadn't seen it before. You heard her horrified, sympathetic thoughts and closed your eyes, biting your tongue to feel something, anything. The metallic taste of blood filled your mouth.

"Y/N- I'm so sorry."

"Thor's leaving." you said.

"He- he needs to be with his people. He is king."

But I don't want him to go.

Thinking felt meaningless. There was no one to hear your thoughts, no one to look up and smirk at you, or raise an eyebrow, or think back. Is this what it had been like before? Just sending your thoughts out into the abyss, not worrying about what happened to them after they left your mind?

Even when you'd shut your mind off from Loki there had still been someone there, on the other side of the wall, waiting. Now there was no one. Nothing.

Empty space.

"Hey. We're not giving up, okay?" Nat said to you firmly, gripping your arm. That was much more like what you wanted to hear. You nodded.

"Now, no offence, but I think you should go take a hot shower, eat and then try and get some sleep." she continued, watching you. She was so worried about you.

"I will." you told her.

"Now?"

"Yes."

"Go on then."

"Later."

"I'm not moving until you take a shower, and I'm really hungry." she threatened. You sighed, and turned to look at her with the tiniest fraction of a smile.

"Go." she smiled, nudging your arm.

You went. Standing under the stream of hot water felt alien; there were no showers on Asgard, only baths, and you'd been in space for a month. You distracted yourself by trying to work out how long it had been since you'd last had a shower, scrubbing your scalp so hard that it hurt.

When you walked back into your room, towel-clad, Nat stood up.

"I want you in the kitchen in ten minutes. Some of my clothes are in the cupboard for you; we'll have to get you some of your own clothes, but they'll do for now." she told you.

"Thank you." you said.

"Kitchen. Ten minutes." she repeated, and then left. You pulled on Nat's clothes, marvelling at how nice it felt not to be in your gear, and towel dried your hair slowly.

Steve, Bruce and Rhodey were in the kitchen with Nat when you went in.

"Y/N, how are you doing?" Steve asked you. What kind of stupid question was that? You felt bad after you'd thought it, because he'd clearly regretted asking you the minute the words had left his mouth.

"I'm okay." you replied, looking suspiciously at the toast on the table.

"Y/N, you should eat, you're severely malnourished and-"

"I know." you said sharply. Did he think you hadn't noticed the lack of food and water on the ship for three weeks? Everyone was looking at you.

"I'm sorry." you whispered, looking at the toast again. Bucky used to make you toast.

"It's okay... you've been through a lot." Bruce said sympathetically, pushing the plate towards you along with a glass of water.

"Y/N, if you don't mind me asking... what happened on Titan?" Rhodey asked tentatively.

"Rhodes." Steve said in a warning tone which suggested that they'd talked about this before. You could tell that they were all dying to find out what had happened.

"Nebula said that there was a fight between all of you and Thanos... but Tony-"

"Tony fought him." you nodded, "We all did."

"All?" Nat asked.

"Me, Loki-" you stopped to breathe for a second, "-Tony, Strange, Peter, and the rest of the Guardians: Quill, Drax and Mantis. And Nebula." you told them.

"Tony said something about a planet...?" Rhodey asked.

"Thanos threw a moon at us." you said, and then a laugh escaped you, taking you by surprise. You frowned at the noise you'd made; you couldn't remember the last time you'd laughed. The others were watching you in concern, you probably looked mad.

"Y/N. Eat." Bruce said. You picked up a slice of the cold toast and bit into the corner. It tasted of nothing. Chewing and swallowing was ten times harder than you remembered; it stuck in your throat and you had to drink some water to clear it.

You realised the others still wanted to know more, so you started from when Ebony Maw had arrived on Midgard. After about twenty minutes of talking they were all caught up, and speechless.

"Are your eyes usually that colour?" Rhodey finally asked.

"No." you replied. You'd made it through one slice of toast. Half, if you counted the fact that it was actually half of one slice.

Soon after you were sent off to bed. You sat on your bed and watched the sun come up, running your blood stained cape through your fingers. Some of it was Loki's blood. It was all you had, aside from the ring. Everything he'd ever given you was on Asgard. Had been on Asgard.

You stayed sat on your bed long after the sun had risen high into the sky, not tired, not anything.

Nat knocked on your door and you answered it.

"Tony's awake."

You were with him less than a minute later.

"Hey, kid. I hear you went on an excursion without me. I gotta say I think you shoulda waited for me to wake up." he said as you walked into the room, after hugging Pepper. You hadn't said hello to her properly before that.

"I tried to tell them." you shrugged, sitting down next to him. Tony was still extremely weak.

"You lie. I'm surprised Thor let you go, the state you were in. Are in." he added, after a second thought.

"I'm Asgardian. I can handle it." you told him.

"You're strong, kid. You are strong." Tony told you, nodding and closing his eyes.

"Shall I go? I can-"

"Don't be stupid, sit your butt down." Tony demanded.

You relished being treated normally, rather than like a porcelain doll as the others had been treating you.

"Gotta tell you something." he continued, opening his eyes to look at you.

"What?" you asked, suddenly wary.

"Pep and I, we're heading downstate for a bit. Further than downstate actually, and it's not for a bit."

You hadn't expected it. You should have been. It didn't matter, you had no room left for hurt.

"You don't think we should try again?" you asked. Tony looked at you sadly.

"There's nothing left to try, kid."

"There would be if it was to get Pepper back."

Tony didn't have an answer to that one. These random flares of annoyance were getting stronger.

"I'm sorry. I get it, I really do." you backtracked, reaching for Tony's hand. He nodded, breathing heavily.

"I could do with some of that Asgardian blood of yours. Our little adventure's knocked me sideways, but you look fighting fit... almost." he told you.

"You need to rest. I'll come back later." you said, letting go of his hand and standing up.

"Please do."

You were pretty sure he'd fallen back asleep as you walked out of the room past Pepper, who re-entered the room as you left. But then Tony spoke in a hushed tone; you heard his words to her as though he'd spoken them in your ear.

She's broken, Pep. There's nothing behind her eyes. It's scary.

Yes, you thought as you walked away. It was terrifying.

...

A week later

Thor was leaving today.

You weren't sure if you'd slept in the past week. There were blank periods which you couldn't remember much about, but that might have just been you zoning out rather than actually sleeping.

Thor came to see you in your room before he left. Nat had got some new clothes for you and some flowers for your room. They were dying.

You were sat on your bed, cross legged, watching the news but not really listening. The people on the TV were calling it the 'Blip', as if they expected it to be a short term problem. So many people were missing, and countless people had been harmed or killed when it had happened too.

'The Vanished', they were calling them.

Thor knocked and came in; you muted the TV.

"I'm going."

"I know."

"Y/N, please. I can't bear you being angry at me..."

"Then stay."

"You know I can't."

You did know, but that didn't mean you had to like it. Thor sat down next to you. His hair was starting to grow back; he looked older. Grief does that to a person.

"If you're done being angry, I have something for you." Thor told you.

"I'm not angry. I am. But not at you." you replied, unable to explain your feelings. Thor just nodded, and then he reached into his pocket and pulled something out, holding his hand out to you.

In his palm sat a long twist of familiar looking black hair. The air was drawn swiftly from your lungs as you stared at it.

"I took it from him when I thought he'd died on Svarltalfheim. Then, obviously, I had no need for it, but I hung on to it anyway. I never understood why I did. But I did." Thor told you. You couldn't speak.

"Take it." Thor told you. You took it. The void in your chest eased ever so slightly, the smallest amount possible.

"I-" you couldn't think of anything to say. This meant more to you than Thor could ever begin to imagine.

"It's okay." Thor said, getting to his feet.

"Thor, wait. Don't you want it?" you asked, looking up at him. You prayed he would say no.

"I feel as though you need it more than I do." he replied, looking at the lock of his brother's hair sadly. You stood up and hugged him.

"I'm sorry." you spoke into his chest.

"Whatever for?" Thor asked incredulously.

"I've been awful this week. I just- I don't know... I just feel so empty. Or angry." you explained.

"You're allowed to not know for a while. We all are." Thor told you reassuringly, placing a huge hand on your head.

"I'll miss you so much." you told him.

"And I you. You must visit, soon." Thor said, looking down at you solemnly.

"I will."

"Promise."

Promise. On my life.

"Promise." you nodded, pushing the memory back deep into your mind.

...

Tony and Pepper left for Georgia two days later.

"You come and visit, alright?" Tony told you sternly when the time came to say goodbye.

"I'll try." you replied. The sun was setting on the horizon, beginning to turn the sky a deep, fiery orange.

"No, kid. You will. And I want to hear from you all the time okay? Call me whenever. I'm not losing contact with you for another two years." he said, holding you by the shoulders. You hadn't realised how much he was going to miss you; you'd been too caught up in your own feelings.

"Okay." you said. He ruffled your hair and smiled sadly at you, before addressing Steve, Nat, Bruce and Rhodey who were stood behind you.

"You get her eyes back normal again, you hear me?"

You assumed they nodded, because then he was walking away towards one of his private jets where Pepper was waiting for him. You found yourself wondering how many more people were going to leave.

Once back inside Nat forced you to eat (it was the only time you would), and then you sat with her and pretended to watch TV, surreptitiously playing with a lock of your hair near the base of your neck. The second Thor had left you'd used magic to bind the lock of Loki's hair to the base of a section of your hair and then braided it into yours tightly.

You hadn't realised you were crying until you'd finished. It was hidden to anyone else, unless your hair was up, which you liked.

"Hey, Y/N."

It was Bruce, bringing you back to the present moment. He was holding something in his hands.

"I found these. I don't know if... you don't have to, but-"

You went into his mind. They were pictures from when you'd all been living at the Tower together. You sat up straight and held your hand out almost anxiously.

"I want to. Please."

Bruce came and sat next to you and Nat sat up on your other side to look as you took the photos out from their case gently and smiled, properly smiled, when you saw the top one.

It was a picture from the first ever party you'd attended at the Tower, less than a month after you'd moved in. You, Nat, Tony and Thor were singing with your heads thrown back, streamers and balloons from the ceiling obscured the picture, which was dark and blurry anyway. You looked so young; it felt like a million years ago.

Your cheeks hurt from the unusual effort of turning the corners of your lips upwards. The next photo was of Bucky and Clint; you stopped smiling.

"We don't have to-"

"No. I want to." you said firmly, cutting across Bruce, and then realising you'd been short with him again. He was shaking his head before you'd even opened your mouth to apologise.

"It's okay, Y/N."

The pictures made you feel for the first time in weeks. The three of you spent almost two hours sat together going through them. Nat and Bruce both cried, you couldn't seem to, not even at the ones of you and Loki. The majority of the photos were blurry, candid shots, mostly taken by Bucky or Tony. You'd hardly noticed them with a camera at the time.

"Can I keep some of these?" you asked Bruce, when you reached the end of the pile.

"Have them, they're yours." he told you kindly.

"Well... don't you guys want some?"

"Yeah, I'll take some." Nat nodded, holding her hand out. Her and Bruce took a few each, and you kept the rest. By the time you finally went to bed it was almost 2am. This didn't bother you, you were grateful for the distraction. The nights were the worst.

You sat on your bed and looked through the pictures again, this time separating the ones of Loki into a different pile. They made your heart ache. Some of them were from before you'd kissed for the first time; the thought of all that wasted time made you feel slightly ill.

Your favourite picture was one of you and Loki sat on a sofa together, but not together. It was from before you'd admitted your feelings: your face was full of laughter; watching someone (probably Tony) out of shot. Loki was watching you with a clearly supressed smile on his face. You'd been so awfully oblivious.

A sudden, tremendous feeling of anger came over you, the strength of which was such that it scared you a bit. You were rapidly overcome with the urge to get out of the compound; you needed to go somewhere, anywhere. Dropping the picture from your hand you stood up abruptly.

Outside it was raining heavily, but the air was warm. There was a storm coming.

You teleported further from the compound, not knowing where you were headed, only that you needed to get away. You wished you had your sword, more than anything. You wanted to stab something.

The anger was building in your chest. Anger at Thanos. Anger at Thor and Tony, for leaving you. Anger at Loki. How could he have left you? It was unfair. Everything was so unfair...

You were in the city now, walking a few steps and then teleporting, not caring where you were headed, not caring who saw you. You weren't even wearing gear, just leggings and a hoodie. No shoes. You were soaked through, but you weren't cold.

A dark alleyway loomed ahead of you. There were people down there, huddled together in the rain and talking loudly, raucously.

Men. Men who had been taking advantage of the Blip: stealing, breaking the law...

You wanted to pick a fight. You didn't have to.

"What have we got here then?" one of the men said loudly, drunkenly, staggering towards you. Some of them were sober, and armed. Those were the ones you wanted, not this fool. You shoved the drunk man over, correctly guessing his friends' outraged response. There were about fifteen of them.

You smirked as they appeared from the shadows, shouting, your eyes burning.

Perfect.