A/N: this won't last for much longer I swear. Love you all, have this gif which made me go in my feels <3

TW: mentions of depression (obviously), suicide and generally not being great

...

"Sh! We'll get caught."

"Calm down, so what if we do?"

"So what?! We'll get thrown in the dungeons!"

"They can't throw me in the dungeons again, I'm the king. Besides, who's going to believe any guard who says they saw the dead prince sneaking around the palace at night with one of the maids?"

"...good point. But I still think-"

Loki grabbed your arm and pulled you behind a large column as two guards appeared around the corner.

Carry on.

Nothing.

No please, continue. You were telling me that I was being too loud... and thus attracted the attention of those two guards.

His fingers dug into your ribs where he knew you were ticklish and you let out an indignant shriek, before clapping a hand over your mouth.

"What was that?!" one of the guards said loudly, advancing towards your hiding spot.

"I don't know. Check the columns."

We really need to work on your stealth technique.

Stop it!

You wrestled with Loki behind the column, trying to get his hands away from your ribcage and not laugh as the guard approached. The guard peered round the side of the column and Loki cast an illusion. You both fell still, stood inches away from the guard.

Loki's hand snuck back towards your torso and you grabbed his wrist sharply, grinning, struggling not to make a noise. The guard moved past.

"There's nothing here. It must have just been an animal or something."

You turned to Loki as he dropped the illusion, smirking as he did so.

"That was your fault." you whispered furiously, shoving him, unable to not smile at the look on his face.

"You're the one who screamed."

"I didn't scream. And it was your fault."

"Ridiculous." Loki sighed, shooting you a sideways grin.

"You are." you replied, pulling him out from behind the column now that the guards were gone. You walked hand in hand through the quiet of the palace until you came to the ballroom, the moonlight spilling into the room through the open far wall which led out to the courtyard.

"This is my favourite room-" you said began, looking up at the towering, decorative ceiling.

"-after the library." Loki continued, "I know."

You smiled, walking through the room, remembering the night you'd danced in here with Fandral, jealously watching Loki dance with other people all night.

You looked so unbelievably beautiful.

I know, Fandral told me.

Loki sighed and you laughed, turning to look at him. You stared at him for a second, unable to quite believe your luck, and then held out your hands.

"Dance with me."

"Your wish is my command."

"Shouldn't it be... your wish is also my wish?" you asked teasingly as he walked towards you and took your hands in his.

"Fine, your wish is my wish." he replied humorously, picking up one of your hands and placing his other hand on your waist, casting another illusion casually as two more guards walked past. You fell silent and put a hand on his shoulder, resting your head against his chest and watching the guards pass as you started to dance.

There was no music. You didn't need any.

Is this making up for the lack of dancing we did that night?

Nowhere near. I hated that night.

You didn't hate it!

I only liked the parts when I was with you. The rest was awful.

No, the most awful bit was almost getting to kiss you and then getting interrupted.

Loki laughed as he spun you round, holding you close against him when you came back into hold.

I'd forgotten about that.

Eventually you grew tired of dancing, and with elaborate, sarcastic bows to one another you made your way towards the throne room. This was Loki's favourite place to go during the nights, when he could sit on the throne as himself. With you.

You followed him up the steps to the throne and curtseyed deeply as he sat down.

"Stop it." he smiled, holding an arm out for you to join him. There was enough room for you to squish side by side upon the throne, but Loki liked having you on his lap, and you liked sprawling sideways across the seat with your crossed legs over the side of the throne.

That's exactly what you did now, leaning sideways against Loki as he put one arm around you and rested his other hand on your thigh.

"I know I say this almost every night, but I wish Odin could see this." you told Loki happily.

"You, my love, obviously have some sort of death wish." he replied, closing his eyes as you rested your head against the side of his and looked out across the throne room. It really was gigantic.

"You know what I mean. I want him to see this, and not be able to do anything about it."

Loki hummed in agreement, his eyes still shut. You could feel happiness radiating from him, and you smiled lovingly, turning your head to look at him.

He was so tired from keeping an illusion up all day; you were worn out from working and training and pretending to grieve for him, but this time, this exact time, made the work you both had to do in the day entirely worth it.

You moved your hand to lace your fingers through the fingers of his hand which was resting on the top of your legs, squeezing gently. Loki opened his eyes lazily, the corners of his mouth lifting as he looked at you.

I love you.

Bzzzz. Bzzzzz.

Something vibrated loudly in your pocket. You ignored it determinedly, but it was too late.

You kept your eyes shut tight in an attempt to go back, but it was fading fast... and then it was gone. The sounds of the city became louder and louder until you were forced to open your eyes.

You'd been drawn from the memory.

You were lying on the edge of the top of a very, very large skyscraper, your legs dangling over the side. You phone buzzed again in your pocket. It would be Nat, asking where you were. Looking at the swiftly lightening sky, you became aware that you'd been sat atop the building all night.

She'd be worrying about you. You wished she wouldn't.

It had been another two months. You'd given up waiting for a void in your chest to start shrinking. If anything it was growing day by day.

There had been times when you'd thought things were looking up; days when your eyes stayed their usual colour for the whole day and you felt better. And then suddenly you'd gone over the edge of a cliff, falling down further than you'd even been to start with.

You'd stopped working at all, spending days at a time locked in your room, not talking to anyone, wishing you could just turn your brain off... sometimes thinking about actually turning your brain off.

You always found the strength to pull yourself back when your thoughts went down that route, if not for your own sake then for Tony's, Thor's, Nat's, Bruce's... and Loki's. You wouldn't do that to them.

Sitting up abruptly you swayed and almost went a little too far forward... your mist caught you and pulled you back. You pulled out your phone and looked at the screen, the messages on the screen confirming your suspicions.

You texted Nat 'I'm fine.'

She texted you back almost immediately.

'Where are you? I'll come get you.'

Lovely, selfless Nat. You were treating her and Bruce so badly, especially as they were being so lovely and caring towards you. They'd started seeing each other, finally, but they were trying to keep it from you in case it hurt your feelings.

The fact that they were together did make you feel entirely, devastatingly alone, but at the same time you couldn't be happier for them. You decided that you would tell them so, today.

'I'll be back soon.' you typed back to Nat, and lay back down again, reaching for the lock of Loki's hair braided into yours. You looked up at the sky and wondered for the millionth time if he was watching you from somewhere. You hoped he wasn't, it would kill him to see you like this.

Had you really just thought that? It would kill him? Way to go Y/N.

Sometimes you wondered what it would have been like if it had been the other way round. You would be in blissful subconsciousness, not having to feel anything, not having to drag yourself out of bed, or shower, or eat, or anything. But you wouldn't want Loki to have to go through what you were going through.

Everything was so difficult. Life felt like you were moving through a thick swamp; every action required ten times the effort it normally would have. Loki had got the better deal, in your opinion. Assuming that he was really dead, and not trapped somewhere.

You'd talked about this with someone since you'd been back on Midgard, maybe Bruce? Someone had told you about the Soul stone, and how that might be where half the universe had gone. Into a stone. A magical, glowing stone. You snorted derisively, hating everything.

No, you wouldn't wish what you were going through on anyone, not even your worst enemy. Thanos you would make an exception for. But you certainly wouldn't wish this upon Loki.

The sky was getting rapidly lighter; you didn't want to move. Another day of nothing. Stupid, pointless, mind-numbing nothing. But you would do it.

You sat up again, this time more carefully, noting for the first time how cold you were. You'd never really felt the cold even before you'd started dating a Frost Giant; by now you thought you were practically immune to the cold.

Your hands said differently; they were tinged blue with cold. You rubbed them together vigorously; it did nothing. Sighing heavily, you stood up, stretched and then teleported back down to street level, before heading back to the compound.

Nat was waiting for you in the kitchen, with breakfast.

"For god's sake, you're freezing." she told you by way of greeting.

"I know." you replied, sitting up at the table and biting into a strawberry. It tasted of nothing.

"Where's Bruce?" you asked, when Nat didn't say anything.

"He's in the lab. He's leaving."

You dropped the half of the strawberry you'd still been holding.

"No. What? I thought you were..?"

Nat looked up at you sharply. You sighed.

"I'm not completely blind, Nat." you told her.

"I- we didn't want to..." she stammered, you waved her excuses away.

"I'm happy for you both. Truly. But... why's he leaving?" you asked.

"He hasn't said anything yet, but he will, I know it. He keeps going on about 'curing' himself, even though..." she trailed off, overcome by emotion. You scooted your chair closer to hers and put an arm around her.

"I'm so sorry, you've lost so much and here I am crying over something so stupid." she sniffed.

"It's not stupid. You should talk to him about it." you told her. She nodded, and then Bruce walked into the room.

"Hey, what's going on? What's wrong?" he asked worriedly, making a beeline for Nat.

"I'm gonna go... shower." you said, getting up from your seat.

"Take the food." Nat demanded, pushing the bowl of fruit after you. Looking after you even while she was upset. You took the bowl and teleported to your room, placing the bowl on the floor and lying down on your bed, turning on the TV to drown out your thoughts.

It didn't work, per usual. Bruce couldn't leave. You couldn't support Nat on your own, you couldn't even support yourself.

You wished you had a fast forward button.