Saturday, 9th August.

A D D I E

I held my dress and shoes close to me in the front seat of Raine's cruiser and stared straight out of the windshield, listening to that conversation back, over and over again.

It wasn't just what was said that had me in knots either, it was what wasn't said. The feeling of wanting to be near him, to let him make me smile, to savor those chivalrous moments, that was all so selfish, wasn't it?

When was the right time to start living again. Because right now, choosing to live when Margo couldn't, would make me nauseous.

"I wouldn't have called that," Raine said after a terse few minutes of silence. I knew it wouldn't last. "Not at all. I'm blindsided. I honestly got the feeling, at brunch, that you thought my brother was an asshole. I am shocked."

"I did think that," I mumbled, feeling a bit mean for talking about him like that. And to his sister of all people. "I meant it when I said I hadn't seen him until yesterday."

She still looked disbelieving, so I told her the entire story starting with an aimless walk, to Lavender, to Zac, to the beer and the spare bedroom. The part that I did leave out was the nightmare. I didn't want to relive it right now, it would be back again soon enough.

"Oh," she smiled even though she sounded disappointed. "Well it's like some sort of fate then. You were meant to see each other again."

I wasn't sure how to respond to that. So I said nothing and watched the rolling land whirring past, fast. The sun hadn't long gone up and it was harsh. Harsher than I'd ever felt it at six in the morning.

"Zac mentioned that he asked about the wedding planning," she said. "That he asked if you'd do it."

"Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry that I said no. It's nothing personal. I just. . . I don't know what I'm doing right now."

"I understand," she indicated right and slowed down at a light as we came into town. "I actually found this woman online and we have an appointment next week on the fifteenth. I don't suppose you'd come with me? Just get a sense of whether or not she's a decent planner and knows what she's talking about."

I laughed. "You don't even know if I'm a decent planner."

"Yeah I do. I googled you and a bunch of reviews came up underneath the website," she looked at me and then back to the road. "There were a lot of good things said about your sister too."

My chest felt tight and I struggled to swallow the lump in my throat. There were always good reviews and feedback about Margo.

"So. . . would that be alright," Raine said after a few minutes of dead quiet. "If you came to the appointment?"

"Yeah of course," I said. "If I'm still in town, I'll come for sure. We should swap numbers, just to keep in touch about it."

"That's perfect."

Raine stopped outside of the Sweet Lemon Inn on Church street, where I had been residing for just under a week. It looked like a regular home for the most part. It had the appearance of an early 1900s villa that had been restored. The weatherboards were a mint green, the trimmings and window frames were white.

It was quaint, cute and the host was friendlier than Raine. There was also a restaurant called the Sweet Lemon Kitchen that served a decent breakfast each morning. For the most part, I hung about in my suite but there were often other guests in the main living area. I'd braved the threat of being talked to one afternoon and went down to read from the bookshelf. That was a mistake, apparently having my face in a book was an invitation for the old man in room two to strike up conversation.

Raine and I said our farewells after we had exchanged numbers and I told her that I would be in contact. Inside, I went straight for the staircase and cringed when I heard the curious call of Hanna, the manager. She was in her late seventies and came loaded with little old woman baking, compliments about my hair, backhanded compliments about the length of my dresses and questions. More questions than I had for Zac.

"Oh," she turned the corner and found me paused on the staircase, hand on the rail, one foot a step up so that she couldn't mistake the fact that I was in a rush. "I thought that was you but you're wearing pants! I wasn't sure."

"Yep," I nodded and drummed my gels on the staircase railing. That was when I noticed that one of the powder pink nails had snapped off. Damn it. "I could use a shower, so-"

"You missed breakfast this morning," she interrupted and pulled her blue and yellow shawl tight around her shoulders. "Were you out all night?"

"Yeah, I was at a friend's place and I helped him on his farm this morning. So, I really need that shower."

"Of course," she smiled, deepening the lines around her mouth and eyes. "You should join us for lunch this afternoon. We're going to have Melanie's niece doing a piece on her cello in the common room."

"Oh that sounds nice," I knew that I was doing an awful job of pretending to be interested. "I have plans though. Next time?"

I didn't wait for her to keep up her interrogation, I waved and ran upstairs. There was nothing wrong with the fact that she wanted to include me and help me feel welcome but Hanna was borderline nosy and even if she didn't come outright and say it, I knew that she was judging me off some sort of preconceived assumption. It was in her tone and the slow once overs she gave me with a forced smile.

In the suite that I was renting, I stripped straight out of the borrowed clothes and switched on the shower. The suite was nice. Spacious enough with a vintage dresser and side tables. The bed had a steel frame with intricate patterns and the wallpaper was the same mint green as the rest of the house.

It might have been a bit much if I didn't have grief filling all four corners of my mind and leaving no room for much else. Margo would have hated it. I liked the fact that there were three hanging plants in the corner of the ceiling.

After I was showered, dressed in a short pale pink play suit, I fell back onto the bed and checked the two text messages that I'd received while I had been washing. Both were from Raine.

It's Raine!

Text me if you need anything at all. :)

I smiled, she was the sort of nice and sweet that I appreciated.

Dropping the phone, I thought about the fact that I had to go out and find something to do so that I didn't end up being dragged into the common room for the rest of the afternoon. Not that I minded getting out. I tried to get out as often as possible. For walking or a little shopping. I'd gone out and stocked up on bras and underwear, plus a few tank tops and loose cotton shorts. The weather was on another level here.

Like most other mornings, I decided to go for a walk. There was this incredible spot about ten minutes from the Inn called Blue Hole. It was a river in a vast open space with concrete footpaths, little bridges crossing the water and picnic tables. There were hundreds of people swimming, bathing and jumping from the cliff faces that ran along the other side of the river. There were small waterfalls, no more than a meter tall that raised the river higher in two places and teenagers were walking across the top of them.

I sat down on the grass, under the sweltering mid morning sun and watched with amusement as a group of girls that must have been around sixteen, floated about on round tubes while they threw a ball to each other. Whenever it landed in the water, they'd all shout with protest and laughter because someone had to get out of their tube and get the ball.

I let my eyes close and imagined Margo was with me, bathing in the sun, lathered in sunscreen of course. I would have objected when she tried to get me into the water because I preferred being on land with a book.

I watched what was going on, the families, the laughter, the pure elation that was carried through the atmosphere with a soft breeze, touching each person here, causing an undeniable environment of excitement.

It made me wonder how many moments I had missed with Margo because I had been too tied up believing that the only way to create happiness was through reading the fictional lives of characters on pages. Perhaps if I had closed the book and taken up one of her hundred offers to do something with her, I'd have found my own happiness. I'd have made my own story.

My heart was pounding as I stood up and tugged the straps of my play suit down. This was for Margo. Margo was the reason that I shimmied out of the one piece until I was down to the new black bra and underwear set that I'd bought earlier in the week. It wasn't lace. It was plain and simple so I didn't feel an ounce of shame when I saw a couple of mom's watching me walk towards the water.

I crossed the little stones and pebbles of the shore, dipped a toe into the cool water and then I kept going until I was submerged. A sigh of relief passed my lips, a break from the heat was just what I needed and I ran my hands along the surface, watching the ripples.

Of course, I didn't go out too far or too deep. I couldn't swim.

"Addie?"

I twisted and turned until I saw who had called out for me.

"Willa?"

She was lounging on a pool bed, her cute little one piece was retro chic. A fifties era swimsuit that had dark blue and white stripes from top to bottom. She grinned and waved as I moved through the water, avoiding the other people that were swimming and splashing. That was when I noticed Milo not more than a few feet from her. He gave me a wave too.

"Hello," Willa said when I stopped beside her pool bed and held the side so that she wouldn't float off. "Dad said that I should call out hello because you're alone."

I looked at Milo who lowered his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. I laughed. It didn't bother me that she wasn't the one to call out on her own accord. She was nine after all.

"You look relaxed," I said. "Living the life, huh?"

"Yep. We come here a lot because it's close to home and we like to get out and let Raine sleep."

"I suppose most mornings you would be at school?"

"School hasn't started."

"Oh of course," I nodded, somehow forgetting that most children were still on summer vacation. No wonder it was so packed here. "When does school start?"

"Thursday," she pouted. "The fifteenth."

"Don't look so sad," I teased. "School is a breeze compared to adulthood. Believe me."

"Well," she tilted her head to the side. "I think that depends on how you adult. Life is what you make it, right?"

"How old are you again?"

She grinned and I noticed she had two teeth missing. Her vamp teeth as I liked to call them. "I heard that on a movie. But I think it makes sense. I hear a lot of good stuff in movies."

"Life lessons, huh? Whatever works I suppose."

"How come you're swimming in your undies?" She said and I went a little bit lower into the water, mortified that I was being called out. To be fair, I hadn't planned on bumping into anyone that I knew.

"Willa," Milo scolded, still floating a few feet from us. He seemed more relaxed now that I was here, holding onto his daughter's pool bed.

"It's alright," I chuckled and turned back to Willa. "I forgot a swimsuit but I was desperate for a dip. So . . ."

I shrugged and so did she and then she said, "whatever works."

"That's right."

"You wanna hear a secret?"

I leaned closer and gave her an eager nod.

"I think my uncle Zac thinks you're pretty."

My brows shot up and I stared at her, not sure how to respond.

"He was staring a lot. At you when we had brunch. Raine said that he wasn't but I think he was. He doesn't have a girlfriend you know."

Milo sighed again. "Willa."

He didn't need to be concerned, in truth, I was beginning to love this little girl more and more. She had such a mature air about her and her observations were a lot clearer than I'd have expected from a child her age. Even if she was wrong, she delivered her secret with confidence.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" She asked, watching and waiting for an answer with raised brows.

"No. No, I don't. I'm. . . I'm not old enough to date."

She giggled. "Not true."

"So true. You have to be at least twenty five to date."

"Well how old are you?"

"Twenty four."

She bopped me on the nose. "Well I'm sure that he can wait until then."

Her optimism was charming. It would have been unfair to explain that I wasn't in the right head space to begin a relationship and I wasn't sure when I would be. Guilt crept through my veins like a virus whenever I thought about Zac. He would be the perfect distraction but that wasn't fair, I knew that I wouldn't do that to someone, use them to get over grief.

"You could go to my daddy's wedding together," she said and even if she was a mature little girl, she was still just a child.

"Ooh when is the wedding? Are you going to be a flower girl?"

"Yes," she frantically blinked when someone bombed into the water and splashed us. "I'm wearing a pretty pink dress. Like your nails. I told Raine that I like that colour after we had brunch and she said that it would look nice with my skin tone. So we found one online."

"She's right," I said, feeling a sting in my nose. I blinked hard and smiled. "It'll look gorgeous. You never told me when the wedding is?"

"I don't know. Dad?"

"To be confirmed," Milo squinted, the sun was reflecting from Willa's pool bed. "We're thinking next summer. Or perhaps next fall."

"Fall would be perfect. The weather isn't as hot but it's still pleasant. Fall colours are beautiful, there are a lot of potential themes to run with. The photos are exquisite."

"I'll have to let Raine know," he said, his crows feet deepening with his appreciative smile.

"Question," I said. "Raine said that you're both cops. When do you work?"

"Days," he replied. "I took the last three weeks of summer off to spend with Willa. But our normal routine is that I drop her off at school in the morning, Raine picks her up and I get home just before Raine heads off."

"Oh. Doesn't sound like a lot of time together."

"We make it work," he said, his smile full and his gaze distant. "We have Sunday together and sometimes if she wakes up early enough, she comes to the station to have lunch with me. The main thing is that we don't blame each other or take the frustration over not seeing each other, out on each other. If that makes sense?"

"Yeah, it does."

It made perfect sense and I wished that I'd have remembered that more when I had the chance.