Thurday, 8th May.

A D D I E

Willa and Raine were meant to be on a flight home at two this afternoon, instead, they were out in the waiting area, running on little to no sleep because I've been in labor all night and day.

It's three in the morning now. Irie is here, in scrubs, her bald head covered with a surgical cap. She's holding my hand and shouting instructions at me like she's a seasoned midwife.

My actual midwife, Laura, does find her accent amusing though, so there's that.

"You should lie down," Irie said as I stood beside the bed with my palms on the mattress, sweat dripping off my forehead. "Lie down. What if the baby falls out and lands on its head."

"Irie," Laura exhaled. "She's fine. The baby isn't going to fall out and land on it's head."

"How fucking loose do you think I am?"

Laura tilted her head. "Hmmm that's not—"

"Oh I know! I was just making a j—" another contraction made me breathless, I clutched the bed sheet in my fists. There was no way to describe contractions. It was like period cramps on crack.

Or if the hulk squeezed a basketball in his fist, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze and then when it wouldn't pop he loosened his grip a fraction, grumbled with frustration and started squeezing again seven minutes later. And then five minutes later and then two minutes later. That was what my abdomen felt like right now.

"Deep breaths, Addie. Slow and deep," Laura instructed while she rubbed my back.

"Ha. That's what she said," Irie hollered.

Laura leaned down and whispered in my ear. "Do you want me to ask her to leave?"

"No," I panted. "No I need the comical relief. It's fine."

The contractions were closer and stronger than ever at this point. I was barely getting a chance to breathe between them. Laura said that I was transitioning and any moment now, I would be able to push.

"Alright, we need to measure the dilation again. We should be at ten centimeters."

"We better be," I swayed. Remaining on my feet was getting harder and harder. "I can't do this much longer."

"See," Irie patted the bed. "Lie down so she can measure you."

"No, she's fine," Laura knelt down beside me. "I can do it here. Standing is going to be a lot easier when it comes time to push. Gravity really does help."

Because of how many internals I needed throughout the labor and how hot I was, I was in nothing but a sports bra. Dignity wasn't even a thing at this point. Nothing mattered except having this child. Laura knelt to the side of me and inserted two fingers inside of me.

Irie whistled. "Straight up, can not get over how pornographic child birth is."

"Hey," Laura said to Irie. "How about you go and let Raine and Willa know that the pushing is about to begin. Give them an update."

"Is it?!"

"Yes," Laura stood up again and whipped off her rubber gloves so that she could replace them. "You're fully dilated, Addie. It's time to start pushing. Can you feel the need to push?"

Irie ran out of the room while I answered her. "Yeah. It sort of feels like I need to poop."

"Totally normal. Still comfortable there?"

"Comfortable?!"

"Yeah, well," she hit the buzzer on the wall to alert the doctor and nurse that we'd be needing their assistance from here out.

Irie came back at the same time that they arrived. The three of them piled in and circled where I leaned on the bed. Laura had resumed her position, kneeling beside me. The nurse stood right back, waiting until she was needed and the doctor knelt behind me. I might have been horrified at the thought of my ass being in his face, but right now, it wasn't a concern.

"How about we get her on the bed," he suggested. I couldn't remember his name or what he looked like but I immediately shut him down.

"I want to stand."

A contraction started, taking my voice away, my breath away, the ability to do literally anything except breathe away. I vaguely listened to their debate while I focused on getting through the pain.

"I think as a safety caution, it'd be wise to get her on the bed," he repeated, more firmly. He must have been talking to Laura because she answered.

"She doesn't want to lie down. She wants to stand. That's how she feels comfortable giving birth, that's how we'll leave her."

"Mate," Irie snapped. "Are you the one about to push a little human out of your minge? No. Let her be, yeah?"

"Look," I groaned through as the need to push became so much stronger. "I've done a lot of research. Hundreds of women said standing is a more comfortable position to give birth in. Not to mention, faster. This is what I'm doing."

"She needs to start pushing," Laura said. "Get on board, or get out, Doctor Beron."

He said nothing. Honestly, he could have left for all I knew. I didn't bother asking because another contraction came on fast and I started pushing, hard. At this point, the contractions didn't have a beginning or end. It was all pressure and unbelievable pain, all the time.

"Push, Addie," Laura instructed. "Push down, deep breath and big push."

I did what she said, pressure building in my head, face and chest as I focused on forcing the big block out of the lower half of my body. I wasn't sure how long that had been going on before I was told to stop.

"The head is out," Laura said as I inhaled an enormous ragged breath and panted. "I need to check the cord and the airway and I know it's really hard but don't push for a few seconds."

It felt totally unnatural not to push. My body was doing it on its own but I tried to follow her instructions, focusing on my fists clenching the hospital grade sheets while I took quick breaths in and out.

"Okay, good," Laura said. "Another big push. She's so close."

The time between pushing and finally feeling the pressure relieve could have been minutes or hours. It was impossible to tell. All I could focus on was the wailing of a new born baby.

Margo's new born baby. She should have been here, she should have been the one cutting the umbilical cord. She should have been the one that wrapped her daughter up into her arms and cried tears of total elation.

But she wasn't here. It was up to me to love that brand new little girl. So with trembling arms, and blurred vision, I turned around and let the nurse and Irie help me on to the bed so that I could lie down. Immediately, a fresh pink bundle with a surprisingly full head of hair was placed on my bare chest.

I couldn't hold her tight enough. The immediate need to protect her and let her know that I was going to keep her safe was overwhelming. Chills ran down my body, strong like vibrations and Maggie settled, her crying stopped— mine didn't— she gurgled and at that moment, I knew that Margo was with us. Hand on her daughter. Smiling at what she had created.

"She's beautiful," Laura whispered, using a soft towel to gently wipe at the excess goo on Maggie's body.

Irie stood on the other side of the bed. "She looks like she got dropped in a vat of discharge."

I sobbed out a laugh and was sure if I could see properly, Laura would be shaking her head in disappointment.

"But she is beautiful," Irie said, sincerity in her tone. "Margo would have been so proud. And she would have been the most incredible mother. And even though she can't be here, I know that you'll do just as well, love."

My tears started falling even harder and Irie's arm slipped under my head, leaning down to give me a one armed hug.

"We need to get her over to the scales to weigh her and do an overall health check," Laura quietly told me. Maggie was starting to stir again. "We'll do it as fast as possible so that we can get her latched on for a drink."

"Okay," I nodded. "Can I get a proper look at her."

She'd been put on my chest so fast that I had barely seen her face but when Laura lifted her off my chest and angled her so that I could see that Bianchi nose and sharp chin, I knew that would get to see a mini Margo every day for the rest of my life.

When Margo had chosen the donor, she chose a profile that included a tall, Italian man with dark hair and eyes. She wanted a donor who had similar features to her own so that she didn't have this barrier between her and her daughter.

So that people wouldn't ask things like "does she have her father's hair?" Things like that. It might have been irrational, but she wanted as little reminder as possible that she'd failed at finding herself someone to share a life and child with.

It devastated me that she'd never have the chance again.

When Maggie came back to me, she was wrapped in a pink swaddle with a beanie and booties on and we were transferred from the delivery suite, up to the maternity ward.

Laura spent an hour helping me with the breast feeding process. It was trickier than other mom's made it look. There was a technique to it but eventually we made a comfortable latch and Maggie guzzled milk while I watched her cheeks moving, her eyes closed, her perfect skin.

It was the most beautiful, rewarding, painful experience I have ever endured. I knew that I would never stop wishing for Margo to be here with me, to watch her daughter growing and reaching milestones. But I hoped that eventually, it hurt just a little bit less than it did right now.

Maggie dozed off after she'd fed and I held her while she slept. I didn't want to put her down. Irie went and got Raine and Willa from the waiting area and told me that she'd go home for a shower and change before she came back. As soon as they tip toed into the room, I thanked them for waiting for such a long time.

"You must be exhausted," I whispered apologetically.

Raine pointed at Willa who had beelined straight for the bedside and was busy watching her. . . her sister. "Willa slept on the seats," she looked jealous. "I'm a little wiped. But I'm not going to complain considering I didn't just give birth."

I smiled.

"She's so cute," Willa whispered, her eyes never leaving Maggie.

"Would you like to hold her?"

Willa's mouth dropped open. "Really?"

"Yeah. Babies will sleep on anyone at this age. If you sit in that chair over there, Raine can pass her to you."

Willa skipped over to the arm chair by the window, her little legs couldn't reach the ground. Raine gently lifted Maggie from me, her lip pouting as she succumbed to the adorableness of my beautiful girl.

When Maggie was in Willa's arms, I felt a fresh set of tears forming and falling again. The daughter that I had let go of all those years ago, now back in my life, holding onto the daughter that had been left with me by the sister I lost. Life was a mystery. It was hard to make sense of. I'd lost so much but I'd received so much too.

"I've been thinking," Raine whispered, standing beside me again, she pretended not to notice when I wiped tears off my face. "What if Willa and I stayed for a couple of weeks. To help out While Maggie is so new?"

My mind went blank. "What? But— what about work and school?"

"Well, I have some vacation days that I have to use and Willa goes on summer break in a couple of weeks. She could start early. I know that you've got Irie but she works a lot and the more hands the better."

The thought of having extra help made me want to beg her to stay. But I still felt bad accepting that kind of offer. "What about Milo? Do you think he'd be okay with Willa hanging out here for that long?"

"We talked earlier and he was a little hesitant but only because Willa wouldn't be at school. So I offered to send her home on a flight but he thought it over and decided it wouldn't be so bad," her brows raised a little as she stared at nothing in particular. "Actually, he said it might be nice for the two of you to get some decent time together."

That did surprise me. "Really?"

"Yeah. He's really. . . relaxed to the idea of you and Willa getting close. He can see how much she loves you and he can also see that it hasn't changed his relationship with her at all. I told him he should apologise for that whole debacle back in Texas bu—"

"No," I immediately said, watching Willa carefully cuddling Maggie, her focus totally on the baby. "No he was right about that. I overstepped when I told Willa that I could look for her birth father. That was so stupid. He was right to be upset. I'm just glad that we overcame it. My life is better with her in it."

Raine peered behind her at Willa, her long braids tumbling over her shoulder. "Me too," she said. "And the more love, the better, right?"

I thought about the conversation that Willa and I had, had. It felt like so long ago now. The one where she wanted to call me mom. I had no idea how I was going to bring it up but it definitely wasn't going to be right now.

"So what do you say?" Raine turned and looked at me again. "Should we stay."

"Honestly, that sounds amazing."

The next few weeks felt easier than they should having a new born. Between Raine, Irie and I, there was always someone who had Maggie in their arms. I was the only one who could feed her, and I preferred to do the night routine alone because of how much help I was getting during the day, but I don't know what I would have done without the girls. It was a blessing.

Willa and I also had so much time to spend watching movies while I was feeding and changing Maggie. Whenever Raine took Willa to the library, she'd bring back two of the same book so that we could read them together and talk about them.

We were all in a bubble of synchronized routine and existence and I firmly believed that anyone who had a baby, needed people around them in the beginning. Even if it was just for conversation or companionship.

Laura had just left after her third home visit, she came once a week to weigh and check on Maggie. And check on me. She never failed to tell me how much she loved the solidarity going on here.

However, Raine and Willa were leaving tomorrow. Raine's vacation time was up and she had to get back to work. I wasn't too worried though. I felt confident, I still had Irie and it wouldn't be long before I made the move to Texas.

Willa was sitting on the floor, shaking a rattle for Maggie who was on her back, staring at the ceiling, not really focusing on much. She was still too little to appreciate rattles.

"I wish I didn't have to leave," Will said when I sat down on the couch, taking the millionth photo of my girls together.

I had to be careful how I replied to comments like these ones. Which I'd been hearing for about a week now. "I'm going to miss you too, Will." I desperately wanted to tell her that I was moving to Texas. But we'd agreed to hold off until I'd at least finalized a house.

"I'll miss too much of Maggie's growing."

"What if we FaceTime every day?"

She gave me a small smile and shrug. "It's not the same. We can't cuddle on FaceTime."

"No, I suppose that's true. Well, I'll come and visit really soon, okay?"

"Promise?"

I raised my pinky and offered it to her. "Pinky promise."

Instead of winding her pinky finger around mine, she raised it and swiped the side of her nose. It immediately reminded me of Zac and my chest tightened. It was always hard not to bombard Willa and Raine with questions about him. Mostly, I wanted to know if he was dating. But I refused to cave and seem interested because Willa would tell him and I would sound pathetic.

"Uncle Zac always promises like that," she suddenly said, smiling to herself.

"Does he?" I tried to keep my tone even, uninterested.

"Yep. He said it's the most official form of pinky promising in the world. One time, he said he was going to take me down to the river on one of the horses but he's really busy a lot and the horses were getting sold and leaving the farm really quick and I didn't think that he'd actually take me but then he swiped his nose and said he would never break that kind of promise and then he really did take me for a ride. On Lavender!"

"Lavender?!" I wanted to ask about the fact that he'd sold the horses. But I didn't.

"Yeah she's a really good horse now and never runs away. She's the only horse left on the farm."

My heart was beating so furiously that it was deafening. He kept Lavender. He kept the horse that saved my life.