33) Arrival time
Wednesday, 7th May
ADDIE
Willa, Raine and I sat around the breakfast table on Wednesday morning. I'd made waffles and bacon which was not something I did often. It was a miracle if I could make an entire coffee without needing to sit down in the morning. But with the girls here, I wanted to make an effort.
"So," Raine said, leaning back in her seat with a coffee cup between her hands. "What's the plan for today?"
"I have a few ideas," I said. "I really want to take Willa to the Beverly Hills public library."
"Ooh," Willa enthused with a mouthful of waffle.
"Shopping of course. We have to spend on Rodeo Drive. It's essential. But I wanted to ask for a favor while you guys are here."
"What is it?" Raine asked, interest peaked when she noticed that I was a little nervous.
"Uh, well the thing is," I chipped away at a mark on the table top. "I have to sell the condo that I shared with Margo soon but before I can do that, I have to clear it out. I've done a lot of it already but I haven't touched Margo's bedroom and I was hoping that you guys would be able to come with me. I could really use the company and," I looked at Willa, "I'd love it if you chose anything you want to keep while we're there."
"Me?" Willa asked.
"Yeah. Clothes or jewelery. I want you to have first choice."
"Okay," she wore a small smile. "Won't the clothes be too big though?"
"Probably not for long. Margo was a super small woman. Honestly, you probably wouldn't be far off being the same size as her. She has a ton of designer items as well. Which might not be your style. But have a look anyway."
Raine sat up straighter. "Designer items?"
"You can try your luck," I laughed, sweeping her five foot seven frame. "I'm not kidding about the height though. Margo was an inch shorter than me."
Raine let out an exaggerated sigh. "Typical," she teased. "But of course we'll come with you."
"Thank you," I said. "I'm finally at a place where I'm ready to do it. With some assistance of course."
"We're always here for you," Raine put her hand on top of mine. "Whatever you need."
The condo looked so much bigger without all of my things in it. Over the last couple of months I had been coming through and boxing up bits and pieces. Most of the furniture was in storage that would be sent to Texas when I found a place to live and the rest of it had been donated to woman's refuge centers. Willa, Raine and I moved through the vacant living room, our voices echoing.
"Great sunlight," Raine noted, staring at the living room window. She was right. It was great sunlight. It used to stream through onto the corner of the sofa where I would read and get a dose of vitamin D at the same time.
I stood at the threshold between the kitchen and the living area, sorrow seeping in. It would never not hurt. But eventually, I had found the strength to face the scene. Images of Margo flooded to the forefront of my thoughts, but it didn't cripple me the same as it once had.
"This is. . . this is where I found her," I said, pointing at the kitchen floor. "Irie cleaned the kitchen out for me."
Willa and Raine didn't say anything but I felt a little hand slip into mine and I looked down at Willa, courage surging through me. Courage and strength. She was a reminder of how much I had to live for. One of the reminders anyway. My free hand cradled my baby bump.
"Margo's room is down here," I said, keeping hold of Willa's hand as we moved up the corridor. "She um— she never made her bed. Or put her stuff in the closet. She has a chair. You know, the chair, where everything gets dumped."
Ripping the band aid off, I flicked the handle and let her door swing open. Everything was as she had left it the night that we were meant to go out and celebrate.
The arm chair in the corner was covered in different dresses that she had tried on and discarded. Her closet door was still open, shoes spilling out, her comforter was crumpled and her make up was all over the vanity.
The only thing that had been touched when Irie came in here was the window so that the place could be aired out.
"What can we do to help?" Raine asked.
"We'll start with the clothes. Whatever you two want to keep we can throw into the hall and everything else we'll make a couple of folded piles."
"Are you going to keep some clothes?" Willa asked.
"I've got a sweater and necklace at Irie's apartment that she collected for me a while ago. That's all I needed."
"Let's get started then."
The three of us worked with a never ending stream of chatter between us. Which I appreciated. It was a good distraction. Willa sat beside the chest of drawers and held out garments, assessing them so that she could decided whether she wanted them or not. If she wanted them, she threw them to Raine who put them in a box, if she didn't want them, she threw them to me and I made a goodwill pile.
Raine complained plenty of times whenever she loved a dress or a skirt but it was too short for her. I decided to cheer her up by telling her to go through the collection of jewelery. There was a ton of it there.
"This is nice," Willa held up a knit sweater. It was white with a round collar and a fitted band around the bottom. "I'll keep this one."
"Good choice," I smiled.
"Will," Raine exclaimed, turning around with a silver chain in her hands. There was a little green pendent in the middle of it. "Look at this pretty emerald necklace. This is your birthstone. Want it?"
"Ooh," she sprung up from the floor and bounded towards Raine before turning around so that Raine could fasten the clasp behind her neck. "This is pretty."
I had no idea why Margo had an emerald necklace. I had never seen it before either. But there was no denying how well it suited
Willa and how thrilled she seemed to be wearing it.
"How about I go and get some lunch?" I suggested, feeling the emotion get to me.
"No, I'll go and get it," Raine said before I could start to get up from the end of the bed. "There's a burger joint just down the road, right? I saw it on the way here. I'll go and get a few burgers and fries. How does that sound?"
"Sounds yum," Willa said and I nodded in agreement. We gave Raine our order and she left.
Willa sat back down in front of the chest of drawers, the little emerald stone in between her fingers. I stared at her for a while, absorbing how surreal it felt to have my birth daughter in this condo. In this room. Margo's room.
Margo would have loved to have met her. It would have meant everything to her and I could feel my chest tightening at the fact that she would never have the chance.
"Are you sure you're okay giving all of this stuff to us?" She suddenly asked and I quickly wiped a tear on my cheek. "Does it make you sad?"
"Oh, of course. It's really sad. I wish that Margo was here and I didn't have to give any of this stuff away but she's not," I said. "And you're important to me. You're family. So I'd rather you have some of this stuff and know that Margo's special items are going to someone who will look after them. You know? But I can't keep it all. I just can't and she won't come back to get upset that I've given all of her stuff to Goodwill."
Willa and I shared a little giggle at that.
"She would have loved you and she would have wanted you to have this stuff. She also valued charity too. So she'd be pleased to know some of it's being donated."
"That's good," Willa nodded, holding a blouse in her lap without giving it much attention. "I wish I could have met her too. She sounded nice."
"She was. Come here," I slipped my cell phone out of my back pocket and went straight into the camera roll while Willa sat beside me. "I have a ton of videos of us together."
We sat there watching silly little videos that Margo and I had captured over the years. Some of them were of our time at the beach or video's of her awful but hilarious singing.
There were videos of her coming out of the bathroom while I hid and scared her. Messing around at the store. Working. Listening to her voice was always hard. All I wanted was to hear it again in person. But watching Willa's smile or hearing her giggle at Margo made some of the pain dissipate. I hadn't even realised that I was sobbing until Willa rested her head on my shoulder.
We sat in silence for a moment, the videos had stopped and I embraced the comfort that her presence provided.
"Addie?"
"Yeah," I looked down and found her big brown eyes staring back at me.
"I was wondering something. You can say no though." She seemed nervous, but at the same time, there was confidence radiating from her. "I wanted to ask if I could be allowed to call you mom."
Time stood still. I had no idea how to respond to that. Apart from the fact that I didn't know how to navigate a conversation like this, I wasn't even sure what I was thinking. Overwhelmed was the first thing. Honored. Happy. Nervous.
Every second that ticked by, I felt worse and worse because this sweet little girl was waiting for my answer and I didn't have one.
"Never mind," she ducked her head.
"No, no," I panicked. "No. I'm seriously so flattered that you asked me that. You want to call me mom?"
She nodded but kept her gaze on her lap. "I know that we haven't known each other long but you are my mom and I wouldn't ask if my other mom was still alive. But she died. So I feel like it's okay. Because I really want to be able to have a mom that I can actually call mom."
"Well, what about Raine? She's going to be your step mom."
"Yeah, I know. My step mom. You're my actual mom and you're making time for me and stuff. If you'd never shown up, I might have asked Raine if I could call her mom. But you're here now and I love you and I want to call you mom."
"Aw," I felt flustered. "I love you too honey. And I love that you want to call me mom but, have you talked to your dad about this?"
The guilt washed over her face. "No."
"I think perhaps we should talk to him about it first. He got pretty upset last time we discussed certain subjects without including him."
"Yeah. I guess."
She didn't seem enthusiastic about the concept of talking to Milo about this topic and that made me think he wouldn't be on board. If I was being honest, I really wanted Willa to call me mom. But I had to go about this with as much respect as possible.
Not to mention, I didn't want to upset Raine. How would she feel that the little girl she was raising on a daily basis wanted to call me mom instead of her? It was going to be a sensitive topic to broach, that was for sure. But I couldn't shut it down.
"I'm baaaaack," Raine sang from the other side of the condo, "and these burgers smell sensational."
That was the end of the conversation. Neither Willa or I talked about it again while we took a short lunch break and finished boxing clothes and belongings up. We were finished by two in the afternoon. Margo's bedroom was bare. The bed was stripped, the drawers and closet, empty. We stood at the doorway and I looked around at a space that now seemed so unfamiliar.
"You okay?" Raine asked.
"It was a big help to have you guys here," I said, nodding. "A good distraction. Honestly, it helps to remember that Margo is with me. She's not confined to this condo or bedroom. I'm not losing her if I leave or clear out her belongings."
"That's right," Raine nodded, pride in her smile. "She'll be with you wherever you go. I mean, her flesh and blood is literally in your utero right now. She's actually with you."
"Ew," Willa screwed her nose up. "That's a gross way of saying it."
Raine and I laughed.
"Sorry," Raine said. "Her DNA is in your womb. Better?"
"Just say baby," Willa said, her tone suggested Raine was being ridiculous.
I caressed the bump and knew that it was true. Even if things were so far from how we had planned for them to be, I was grateful that part of my sister would remain with me. Most people weren't that blessed and that was exactly how I chose to see it. A blessing.
We spent the rest of the afternoon on various activities. We went to the Beverly Hills Public Library which blew Willa's mind due to the fact that it was so white and modern and reminded her more of a hospital than a library.
"So it wasn't your thing?" I asked as we left.
"I just prefer the warmer libraries," her tone was cautious. "Classic. You know."
"I understand."
Raine smiled as we strolled down the footpath. "Where to next?"
"We need to do some shopping on Rodeo Drive," I said. "There's a children's clothing store that are dedicated to vintage chic. Sounds like a bit of you, doesn't it, Will?"
She grinned and nodded.
We had been in the store for about five seconds when Willa had an armful of items that she wanted to try on. She and Raine marveled over the fitting rooms which were decorated like a woodland forest with artificial trees and fairies, small animals and twinkling lights. Each dressing room door was on a big fake tree trunk. It was enchanting.
Raine and I accepted a complimentary sparkling water while we waited for Willa to come out in her first outfit.
"Aw, that's beautiful," Raine said, clutching her chest when Willa opened the door in a plaid dress with a square neckline and thin straps. She wore a white t-shirt underneath and I knew that it would be complete with a pair of boots. Willa did a slow spin, but as she turned around, she froze, her stare stuck on something behind us.
Raine and I turned around just in time to see Jessica Alba shuffling one of her children into the fitting rooms. I giggled at Raine and Willa, star struck.
"That was Jessica Alba," Raine whispered. "Jessica freaking Alba!"
"Yeah," I nodded. "I've passed her once or twice around here. She lives in North Beverly Park in The Hills."
"What?! How are you not freaking out?!" Willa whisper shouted.
"How are you freaking out? She's a bit ahead of your time, isn't she?"
"No way," Willa continued whisper shouting. "Well, sort of. But she's an icon. Who doesn't know who she is?"
"For real," Raine pointed at Willa. "But I grew up watching her movies and listening to her music. I mean, hello, Honey! Best movie of all time. Would it be weird if I went and asked for a photo?"
"While she's in a fitting room with her child? Yeah, don't do that," I said.
"You're so casual right now," she exhaled. "I can not relate."
"This is Beverly Hills. Rodeo Drive is one of the most famous shopping locations for the rich and famous. If I haven't passed them on the street, I've met them at an event. It's kind of. . . whatever to me. They're just human beings. I don't know. I never really idolized them in the same way that other people do. But, that's just me."
"We should just sit on the footpath and see how many people we can meet," Raine said to Willa. I sighed but didn't begrudge them their excitement. I knew that I was a little more numb to this sort of thing but that didn't mean they weren't allowed to be thrilled at the thought of meeting celebrities.
Raine almost had a heart attack when I spent seven hundred dollars on two outfits for Willa. But it was her birthday week and I could afford it, so I told her not to concern herself and we went in search of a place to have dinner.
Osteria Mozza was a place that Margo and I frequented due to it's Italian menu, so I figured that I would take the girls somewhere that had sentimental value.
I hadn't been here since Margo died. It seemed that I was using the company as a crutch to get through a few things but the girls seemed more than happy to oblige. Especially when they saw the menu and how delicious it all sounded.
"Can we start with a basket of bread?" I asked the waiter and he nodded and told us that he would bring a bottle of water too.
"I'm starving and the bread here is so good," I said, watching Willa who was studying the menu with a calculating glare. "See anything that sounds good?"
"The county lamb chops meal sounds kind of good," she said, still staring at the menu.
"It is! I always get that meal."
She looked up. "Really?"
"Yeah, it's my favourite. You'll love it. Whe—" my sentence halted when I felt a liquid rush between my legs. I wasn't even sure if rush was the right word. It was a damn flood. This was going to be so embarrassing. "I don't want to alarm anyone, but, my waters have just broken."
Raine gasped and stared at my lap. "Shit," she panicked. "Shit. What do we do?! How are we— We need to leave, right now. I'll drive."
"Raine," I held her hand to stop her from shooting out of her chair. "Relax. Yeah it's a sign of labor but I haven't had cramping yet. So it could still be a while. And the baby isn't going to fall out just because my waters broke."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really," I said and looked at Willa who was watching us with alarm. "Labor takes a while. We should probably go though just because I'm soaked and the liquid is still coming. Ooh, that was a cramp. Or a mild contraction. We'll go and get it checked out."
"How are you so calm?!"
"I've done this before," I looked at Willa, wow, I was reminded of a time when this was her about to make an entrance. It had been so different then. A sorrowful experience from beginning to end. This time, I was allowed to be excited. "It's alright. I was in labor for a while with Will. Sometimes if you go in too early, they'll send you home until the labor progresses. Raine, can you go and let a staff member know that I've shed membrane all over their seat."
"Oh," her mouth twisted for a moment. "Yeah. Sure."
Willa was still staring, her skin pale. "You're having a baby."
"I sure am," I smiled. "And you'll be here to meet her!"
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