meanstreak
rick grimes 𝘹 fem!𝘰𝘤
© WANDARYEN ──── 2024

When Rick killed the cop that shot Beth back at the hospital it didn't make me feel better knowing that she was dead.

When Michonne killed the governor after he killed my father right in front of me — it didn't make me feel better knowing he was dead.

I still felt the devastation that lingered beneath all the scores that were settled. Because truthfully they never were to begin with. It didn't matter who we killed and what we did to those that hurt us. It didn't lessen the pain or change the fact that we lost the ones we lived because in the end they were still gone.

For a split second I nearly forgot that there was something growing inside of me that was going to depend on me for the rest of her life. Not until that singular kick after hearing the gunshot.

It felt like a jot of electricity shooting down my spine to act like a reminder that there was still something to fight for.

I clutched Carl's letters in my grasp tighter — particularly the one he wrote for me but I haven't had the emotional strength to take a glimpse at it yet. It weighed heavy in my grasp like a rock. Between my name, Rick's, and Michonne's — there was one for Negan. All of these were stacked neatly in a pile not far from me when I sat beside Carl in the room. Little did I know that my words 'it will end' and 'soon' were going to mean so little to him. Or maybe, just maybe — the entire world.

"What do you think he meant?" Rick's voice drawed me out of the dark corner of my mind. "Did he want us to stop fighting the Saviors? Just surrender to Negan?"

I lifted my head off the glass of the window and drifted my gaze down to the heavy letters resting in my grasp. "Maybe we should pull over and read what he wrote."

"No. Not yet. Not me." Followed by several sniffles, I finally looked over at Rick. Eyes bloodshot with tears threatening to reproduce. His hand rested against the wheel of the vehicle with his hand occasionally shaking from lingering adrenaline.

"He wrote a letter to Negan," I pointed out gently without tearing my gaze away from him.

He ignored me and my gaze while keeping his own locked on the road. "I need to talk to Jadis."

I furrowed my eyebrows lightly. "Why?"

"They have weapons — people. We can't just give that up."

I slightly turned in my seat, facing Rick further while my thumb subconsciously stroked across the letters in my grasp. Almost as if he was still here — holding my hand. "Why now?" I asked. "What she did before — "

"They went with me to the Sanctuary." He slowly nodded his head. "The Saviors saw us there. They're gonna be a target, too. We still need them. They're ours, not theirs." He finally turned his gaze to settle on mine.

Ever since I heard the bullet that killed Carl, I haven't felt the baby kick once after that.

There was a light coming from the other end of the shipment container. The entryway was opened ajar, revealing enough sunlight to guide us through the metal container without tripping over one another.

I had the protective shield Michonne made me over my stomach. Secured tightly under my jacket and although it was uncomfortable depending on certain movements, it would guarantee mine and my child's safety for whatever we were about to witness beyond this point.

We had a plan. It wasn't perfect, but Rick insisted that we push our luck with the scavengers and try to negotiate once more with Jadis. I wasn't entirely convinced that it was doable, considering our last encounters with them — but at least in the end we were content with the fact that we tried.

Rick placed a steady hand on my shoulder and I stepped off to the side, allowing him to be the one to walk through the container doors first.

He carefully pushed the metal door further open. We both stepped out into the first opening of the scavengers' homes, immediately being welcomed by silence until objects on top of the shipment container suddenly tumbled at our feet.

I skipped backwards into Rick's chest, his one not holding his gun steadied me as the trash completely blocked off our only exit.

The sound of walkers could be heard coming around the corner of one of the mountains of trash. Rick glanced down at our feet and I followed his gaze curiously, furrowing my eyebrows at the knocked over can of blue paint.

He tucked his gun away. "Come on, hurry," he insisted while grabbing handfuls of trash and began tossing it away from the door.

I quickly followed his movements. But it didn't matter how quickly we moved or how much we managed to toss over our shoulders — there was too much and the walkers were drawing closer.

"Damn it," I heard him mutter under his breath before positioning himself in front of me. "We need to find another way around!"

I tilted my head back to check our surroundings. Our only opportunity of surviving this wasn't to fight against the trash but use it to our advantage. "No!" I shouted, quickly tapping his shoulder and pointing up the mound of trash beside us. "We go up!" I grabbed his hand and tugged him to follow my lead.

He fired off several bullets behind us, giving me the chance to begin the large climb first by making a pathway that would hold against our weight. "Don't waste your bullets!" I insisted while grabbing onto a wooden bed frame and using it to haul myself up.

His hands were suddenly on my lower back then on my thighs, using his open strength to push me upwards. Gravity while being pregnant was officially no longer my friend. I could've done this in my sleep if I wasn't carrying an entire pineapple inside of me.

When we reached our destination, which gave us enough space between us and the walkers — I took a second to look at our situation. They weren't random walkers that just so happened to stumble into this place. They were clothes similar to the scavengers — Jadis' people.

"Rick? Sienna?"

I spun around, outstretching my arm towards Rick to balance myself against the pile of garbage. "Jadis." I called out to the woman, taking note that she was no longer dressed in her usual attire.

She was alone – face sunken in with less intentions to survive.

What the hell happened to this place?"

"The saviors." She must've read my mind from where she sat. Her tired gaze continuously flickered between Rick and I before settling on her people below us.

"How do we get out?" I raised my hand to shield the sun from my eyes.

She remained unmoving from her position. "Get out — how you got in." Rick shifted beside me, reaching into a small pocket from his belt and pulling out a handful of more bullets for his gun. "These weren't heaps before. It was just trash laid out, as far as the eye could see. I used to come here to find things to paint on. Metal sheets. Fabrics. And then after — everything changed..." I kept my gaze on Jadis. "I realized this whole place was a canvas. That we were the paint. We could create something new. We could become something new. We did. This was our world. Apart from everyone else. In every way."

I felt the unsettling pool of guilt in my stomach. There weren't any tears coming from the woman before we climbed up the massive mountain of garbage until now. She looked around, not moving an inch where she sat but the reflection on her face told me she just lost everything.

"You did this." Rick gestured in Jadis' direction. "This is because of you." He turned and picked up a large blue car door, positioning it in front of him then taking a large washcloth to wrap around his hand.

"What are you doing?" I questioned while I watched him use his covered hand to bend back the silver detailed metal of the car door. It created two large sharp objects that could pierce anything in our way.

He unrolled the cloth from his hand. "We're gonna run for it." He picked up the large car door and held it out for me to take. "It's heavy because it's bigger, but it'll protect — "

"I got it." I nodded, taking the large object and using the inside to cover my body frame. "Thank you." He started searching through the garbage again and pulled out a metal oven door for himself.

"Let me come with you!" I turned to Jadis while she held a large metal chair in her grasp. "Just until they're gone."

I wanted to extend my hand out for her to take, but before I could open my mouth, Rick shook his head and answered for the both of us. "Nah. I'm done with her games." I quickly turned my head to him the same moment he met my gaze. "She can't help us anyway. Come on."

I hesitated to move. Something inside me was telling me to stay but reluctantly I followed after Rick.

Carefully climbing back down the massive pile of trash, I used the car door to shove and push walkers away. Some got pierced by the metal poking out of the door. Once we reached the shipment container that was our only way of escaping — we dropped our coverage and made a run for it.

Rick jumped onto the massive pile of trash blocking the door and began throwing things over his shoulder. We luckily managed to create a small hole through the open door.

"Go! Quick!" He insisted and I didn't hesitate to slide down the garbage that would guide me to the other side.

"Wait! Please! Just let me get out!" I heard Jadis' voice but couldn't see her from inside the container. I looked at Rick who was still kneeling on top of the trash. He pulled out his gun again and fired off in a certain direction.

We were back in the van headed towards Hilltop but we equally remained silent. I stared down at the letters in my hands after pulling them back out from the glove department. I swiped my thumb across my written name on the piece of folded paper.

"I shot above her head. I just wanted her gone." Rick sighed heavily beside me. "Look, I saw her. She made it. She ran into an empty alley just before I left. I didn't want her dead. I just wanted her gone."

I sniffled once before reaching up and tucking my brown hair behind both of my ears. Whatever was falling out of the braid was now collecting in front of my face. "Sometimes I think about the man with the orange backpack. How we drove right past him without stopping even though he continuously asked for help." I could feel Rick's gaze settle on me but I didn't turn to look. "On our way back after finding Morgan, the man was dead but we pulled over to grab his gear and headed back to the prison. I think about that often," I whispered. "I feel like this is what Carl was talking about — what we should do when we have a choice."

The breaks of the vehicle squealed and Rick veered us off towards the side of the road. He put the van in park before turning off the engine with a sigh. "Uhm, I — I need a second." I looked over and watched as he carefully took the letters with the walkie and climbed out of the van.

I watched him kneel down into the grass in front of the van. His fingers flipping through the letters until he found the one he was seeking for the most — but it wasn't his own.

He fell silent while his eyes scanned across the written words. I continued to watch him as he stood up from the ground and pressed the walkie towards his lips. Tears suddenly formed in my eyes as I carefully climbed out of the vehicle myself and purposely listened to the other voice echo through the object.

"Ricky. Look at you, callin' me up.You wanna tell me where you areso we can do this face-to-face?"

The walkie clicked and I watched as Rick inhaled heavily. "Carl's dead. He wrote letters. He wrote one to you. He asked you to stop. He asked me to stop. He asked us for peace — but it's too late for that. Even if we wanted a deal now, it doesn't matter. I'm gonna kill you."

His back remained facing me when the walkie clicked again with Negan's voice coming through. "How did it happen?"

"What?"

"How did he die? Was it us? Was it the grenades? The fire?"

"It wasn't you." Rick's voice fell deeper with anger. "Carl went out to help someone. And he got bit."

I lightly hovered my hand over my stomach as I continued to watch them speak back and forth. Their angered voices carried all the way back to the van — heavily showing no remorse towards each other.

"What the hell are you doing, Rick? Why are you fighting? Why are you making this so hard? Carl is dead because of you. Because you couldn't leave shit well enough alone. I mean, hell, maybe he woulda died some other way. Any one of us can get our ticket punched at any second. but in this case...in this case...he is dead because of you. Because you weren't there to stop him from doing something stupid." I inhaled sharply with a collective grunt due to his words piercing my heart. "You set this course, Rick. Who's next?"

"You are."

"No. But someone is. You see, I stop people from dying. I am the answer. Now, it may have taken a hard lesson for you to hear it, but you should hear it now. It's time. Do not let any more of your shit decisions cost you to lose anyone else you love. That garbage... that sticks with you. Forever. Just like Carl will. So my final advice for you would be to get Judith and Sienna out of there before we come. Because once we do we are not stopping."

"You could have just let me save all of you. I mean, that's why I killed your friends in the first place. So, you can sit there and you can say that you're gonna kill me, but you won't. You failed. You failed as a leader, and most of all, Rick, you failed as a father."

I couldn't stop my feet from moving forward and allowing them to carry me towards Rick. Defeated anger coursed through me like a drug and my vision was momentarily blurred due to the tears.

"Stop it! Both of you!" I shoved at Rick's back, causing him to stumble forward lightly before I snatched the walkie out of his grasp. I moved several paces forward when he tried to reach for me.

I held down the button on the walkie and brought it closer to my lips. "Negan, it's me — it's Sienna." Hot tears rolled down my cheeks and there was a brief pause between us before he spoke with a sigh. "Sienna."

I cut him off by speaking into the device again. "Carl's dead, he's gone." I hovered my free hand over my chest. I could feel my ribcage physically cracking due to the heartbreak I was continuing to harbour. "He wasn't my real son but he might as well have been. He was real to me — I cared a lot about him, just like I care for Judith." I slowly crouched down onto the grass, no longer holding the strength to keep me standing straight. "I can't do this anymore. I can't fight anymore, I don't want to — " I choked down a harsh sob threatening to crawl up my throat. "I can't lose anymore people that I love. Carl wanted something better than this, he wanted — " I lowered the walkie when the air in my lungs managed to escape. I brought my hand to my face to wipe the tears but they continuously formed without signs of slowing down.

"Sienna, I'm sorry." Negan's voice was softer now. "I'm so sorry. He spoke highly of you, believe me, you were his mother. But — that doesn't change anything."

"It can!" I called out into the walkie. "We can stop this! We can stop this right now!"

"We can't. It's too late for that. There's no going back. My best suggestion is for you to take Judith and your baby — and you get out of there. Save yourselves. I'm sorry."

I curled my body inwards and fell into the grass. My arms wrapping securely around myself with my face rubbing against the dirt. Negan didn't say anything else — not that I expected him to, but it was enough to extract the hope straight out of my body and send it into the wind.