meanstreak
rick grimes 𝘹 fem!𝘰𝘤
© WANDARYEN ──── 2024

It's been days since Carl died. Rick went on his own suicide mission to go after Negan, Maggie found a group of women to trade with — it was heavily crowded here at Hilltop and supposedly the saviors are on their way.

Being exhausted was an understatement. I couldn't get my body under control between lack of sleep, continuous pain, and vomiting. I had a feeling something was going on with the baby but nobody would give me a direct answer. I was constantly told that these were all signs of related stress. Maybe I was losing my mind. Maybe I was causing problems for myself and things weren't as bad as I thought they were.

But I haven't felt the baby kick since Carl died — not once.

For the longest time I couldn't remove myself from the rocking chair in Rick, Judith's, and I's room. I positioned it towards the window and silently watched everyone move around Hilltop to sort supplies and create protection against the saviors.

At one point Lily came to me and threatened to carry me out of the room herself if I didn't try to take a walk around Hilltop. Her mother-mode was activated and needless to say — I got up and took that walk.

An hour later I'm sitting in the infirmary with Dr. Dana, Rick, Lily, Calvin, and Siddiq, staring at the ultrasound.

There was in fact still a heartbeat and the baby still had her arms, legs, hands — everything seemed normal. But something still felt off. I made Dr. Dana turned off the entire machine and rebooted it before trying again in case it missed read anything. Of course she complied, all while confirming that everything was okay, but I needed to make sure.

Lily squeezed my shoulder. "What are you afraid of, huh?"

"I could count on all ten of my fingers the many things I'm afraid of." I stared directly at the monitor while Dr. Dana moved the scanner across my stomach. "Just because you don't see it on there doesn't mean it's not happening."

"Well, I'll tell you one thing," Dana said, "you're overprotective by nature to all of your children and I think that's wonderful. But — you are going to run yourself into the ground if you don't stop stressing."

Rick, who was standing beside Calvin while endorsing in their own conversation the entire time, finally piped up from the corner. "She knows that. Our last conversation about this ended up with me getting a book thrown at my head."

"Excuse me," I furrowed my eyebrows and looked between everyone in the room. "I'm the patient. My worries and concerns should always be taken into consideration."

Siddiq turned away from the monitor with his arms crossed over his chest. "I will say although we may not have every single piece of equipment they would have at a hospital — you certainly have a lot of people looking after you." He offered me a smile. "That in my opinion is way better than the machines."

Lily squeezed my shoulder again. "Like I said — I'm not leaving your side. You might've tricked me before but I'll bound us together with hand-cuffs if I have to."

Rick suddenly pulled out his own pair of hand-cuffs that he carried around day and night — holding it in the air for everyone to see.

I rolled my eyes at my husband and Dana laughed beside us. "Well, that certainly is an option but seeing as Lily is my best assistant, I will in fact need her tonight." She turned off the machine and lightly cleaned my stomach off. "But for Calvin — "

"Of course," he nodded, like it was already decided.

"It's been spoken about," Rick chimed in. My gaze flickered towards him with my eyebrows furrowing slightly. He shrugged, "baby I can't have you alone tonight. You'll be sitting in a room with Judith and Gracie. Calvin isn't going to let anything walk through the door unless it's me."

I slowly nodded my head knowingly, but that didn't subside the intense amount of guilt pulling at my chest. I was going to receive more protection than anyone here at camp — nobody else had the option of having a bodyguard. Maggie was going to be on the front lines during this entire ordeal — she didn't have anyone looking after her.

Lily helped me sit forward on the bed with her hand caressing my back. "We'll get you settled in the room with the girls. The windows are going to be boarded up and you'll each have a gun for protection."

"This feels a little excessive, no?" I arched an eyebrow at the older woman.

"Oh, come on." Calvin walked over and held my elbow, helping me off the bed with a smile stretching across his lips. "I'm fun to be around, I promise. I'll tell you all the good war stories." I quickly looked at Lily who was already pinching the bridge of her nose in silence.

Rick appeared beside me before I could exit the trailer. He caught my hand and I turned around to face him. "I don't like making promises that I can't keep, but I can promise that I'll come the moment this is over." His hand squeezed mine and I willingly moved into his arms for a tight hug. "I don't like leaving you either but if there was any other way, I would be the one sitting in the room with you."

"I know," I mumbled into the front of his shirt.

He pulled my head back by cradling my face between his hands. "I love you." He leaned forward and kissed the spot between my eyebrows before pulling me into his chest again."

"I love you." I rubbed his back with one hand while the other clutched the back of his shirt.

I helped Calvin hammer down the few remaining boards onto the windows of the bedroom. Each swing caused me to exhale from exhaustion but I continued to do my part to help.

I perched my hand against the wall and pulled my right arm back before forcefully banging down two nails through the wood. Calvin just finished with the windows on the other side of the room, dropping his own equipment into the duffle bag then dusting his hands off on his jeans.

"Can I ask you a question?" I stepped back from the window and turned to him with my head tilting slightly. "You don't have to answer of course if it's too much."

He turned to me and smiled. "I'm all ears."

I walked over to the duffle bag and dropped the hammer inside. "You and Lily — you both can't have kids. Have you always known that or did something happen?" I immediately looked at him apologetically if I caused any lingering pain to stir in his chest but he offered me another kind smile that settled my worries.

"Before all of this happened and when I finally got discharged from the military we decided it was the perfect time to try for a baby. She was going to get time off from the hospital, we had good insurance, and a great support system." He sat down on the edge of the bed and slowly ran a hand over the top of his head. "We tried and tried. But all she did was endlessly bleed. She wanted it more than anything — but when we finally went to the doctors to see what the problem was, we found out that she's not able to have any children. Her body wasn't built strong enough to carry one."

My lips parted in both grief and surprise. Tears slowly welled in my eyes and I took a step closer to Calvin, placing my hand on his shoulder to offer reassurance. "I'm so sorry."

He nodded his head while patting my hand. "Don't be sorry. We still have each other and that's more than enough." He got up from the bed and picked up the bag of tools from the floor. "We've helped a lot of people deliver babies but back in Alexandria, when you introduced us to Carl and Judith — Lily said that she wanted to stay with your family even after the pregnancy." He smiled in my direction with a nod. "She felt something — the unconditional love you have for your family. Said you were going to be the ones to rewrite the world."

I exhaled slowly and placed a hand over my chest. The overwhelming amount of appreciation I felt right now for two strangers was not something I experienced often. But in this moment I finally could fully grasp the good intentions they had on my life and how strong the importance of my well being was for them.

"I'll get the kids," he nodded towards the door.

"Thank you, Calvin." I smiled through the tears.

Later that evening I set up the room to acquire more protection for me and the girls. I picked a corner of the room and turned the bed around so it acted as a shield, followed by several chairs and nightstands to keep us as far away from the door as possible.

I created a small nest-like bedding for Gracie and Judith but sat on the floor with the girls to keep them company.

Calvin stood by the bedroom door on guard with a handgun and a rifle hanging over his back. Judith sat beside me with her rabbit pressed firmly against her chest while I gently rocked Gracie in my arms.

Everything was silent for at least twenty minutes, then the lights from the vehicles out front peaked through the cracks of the windows that we boarded up. I counted each second that went by and for a short moment, everything remained silent until the gun fire rapidly went off outside the house.

Gracie began crying in my arms and I tried my hardest to comfort her while Judith tried to climb into my lap for safety.

This went on for a while until we heard everyone disappear into the house due to their heavy footsteps. Calvin remained by the bedroom door with his rifle aimed when it grew quiet again.

After about three minutes of silence, the gunfire continued and I couldn't help but flinch every time.

Gracie's cries grew louder but the most I could do to comfort the baby was hold her against my chest with one arm and the other secured around Judith. This went on for a while until finally every sound drowned out that insinuated that the saviors were leaving.

Rick came just like he promised. Gracie wouldn't fall back asleep, not that I could blame the poor thing, but we did manage to get her to settle down after all the commotion. Judith was mainly silent which broke my heart more than anything because I worried that she was beginning to understand what was happening. It wasn't like she was going to remember this exact moment when she gets older — but she was living through it right now and I couldn't stop it.

I was beginning to wonder how I was going to get a newborn through any of this.

Calvin met up with Lily after the fight. The sun was high but the generators had to be shut off to save on gas — which was only going to make things hotter inside the house. Bunking hundreds of people, everyone sleeping on top of one another — it almost reminded me of the farm during the winter.

I found Rick in one of the bedrooms using his axe to pull off the boards from the window. I carried a small bowl of strawberries in my grasp and offered one towards him. "I saved some for you. Care to take a break and eat? I can also take care of the cut, Maggie gave me some supplies to clean it."

"Let me get this done first." He continued to pull off the boards. I decided to sit down on the edge of the bed and watch him carefully. His mood was completely different from yesterday — granted he usually put on a different face around me to insure I didn't stress out. But this time it seemed like the exhaustion was catching up to him.

I tilted my head as I watched him remove one of the boards. He stood still for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose before shaking his head. "I saw him at the back of the convoy. That's why I did it. I had to try. I had to."

"I know why you did it," I answered softly.

He dropped the board onto the floor and turned to me finally. "Are you mad?" I shook my head and placed the bowl of fruit beside me on the bed. "Not mad. I know why you did it — why you're still doing it."

He slowly shuffled towards me and dropped the axe behind me on the bed. "He has to die." Rick answered honestly. "We can't let this go on any longer." He kneeled down in front of me and placed both of his hands on my stomach. The room grew quiet and I watched as he leaned his forehead against the bump.

"I don't think it'll ever stop even if we kill him." Rick lifted his gaze towards mine while I continued to speak. "We stop Negan, we draw a line with the saviors — but what happens when we come across another group just like this? It doesn't matter if we kill him, Rick — it's not going to change anything. I think it's time we discuss our other options — " I paused and watched him stand up from the floor abruptly and my heart pulled against my chest. He took a step back and his warm physical touch was gone.

"I shouldn't have to barricade myself in a corner to protect Judith." I stated matter of fact while tilting my head back to look up at him.

He placed one hand on his waist and used the other to gesture around the room. "So, what, we stop fighting? Give up? There is no more rolling over because there's no stopping what's already started." He refused to meet my stare no matter where I turned my head. "He can't live — none of them can live."

I wanted to say something more but I decided to bottle up my thoughts and tuck them away. He pointed towards the bowl of fruit beside me, "you should eat. I'll grab something later."

I carefully got up from the bed and took one of his hands within both of my own. I wanted to comfort him or apologize or something — but for once I didn't know what to say in return. I was mixed up in emotions just as he was, but the truth of it all was the fact I would never fully understand the concept of losing a child. Carl was his since birth and now he was gone.

"Sienna?" Both of our heads turned when Maggie appeared in the bedroom. "I need to talk with you — the both of you. There's someone here you need to see."

My eyebrows furrowed questionably on instinct. "Who is it?" Rick asked but Maggie only ushered us to follow her out of the house and to the pen where she held the group of saviors captive.

One by one they turned around to face us upon arrival. Several of them moved out of the way when Maggie gestured towards the back of the pen where Madison sat on the ground with her knees pulled to her chest. "She was hiding when Tara found her. She managed to sneak into one of the cars and hid in the backseat. No weapons — just her."

I stepped closer towards the pen. "Madison?" The girl lifted her head immediately before scrambling off the ground and rushing towards me. Rick grabbed a hold of my wrist to pull me back but I remained firmly still. "What are you doing here?"

Her tired gaze flickered from Maggie to my own. Her arms were crossed firmly against her chest with a small shake of her head. "I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't stay with them any longer."

"But you came with them." I pointed out sternly.

"So I could escape!" Her eyes widened with tears. "I purposely pulled the extra weight so they could trust me and they offered me to come with. The moment we got here, I took cover — pretended I was dead before I hid in one of the cars." She took a step closer and reached for the wooden post. "I meant what I said before. I was never with them. It was just a stupid coincidence that we all gathered at the same time."

Her head lowered briefly before nodding. "I'll stay in here for as long as it takes — until we build trust but don't send me back there."

"Sienna." Rick whispered my name from behind.

I turned to him and my sister, equally staring at them both with the same pitiful look I've held countless of other times when it came to easily extending an olive branch. "She can stay. She's not a threat to any of us — let her earn her keep."

"I can't provide favoritism over the others." My sister countered calmly.

I shook my head. "Do this for me — trust me. She's not the enemy." I placed my hand on Rick's shoulder and let it slide down his arm when I walked away.

Later that evening, I was settled in my bedroom with Judith sleeping soundly beside me while I read my book under a small light coming from the oil lamp resting on the nightstand.

I flipped the page of my book, keeping my eyes glued to the words while I gently ran my fingers through Judith's hair. Her body coiled into mine and her small chubby hands held only my shirt with a tight grasp.

Before I could get to the next page something firm knocked on the bedroom door. My gaze flickered up towards the other end of the room — my eyebrows furrowing lightly during the long pause before another knock sounded.

I tucked the bookmark between the pages and placed the book down on the nightstand. "Rick?" Judith didn't stir beside me while I carefully removed myself from her small grasp.

There was another knock but this time much deeper and echoed as if someone used their shoulder to press against the door. "Rick, it's not locked." I whispered calmly while tip-toeing across the wood floor.

I reached for the door handle and without using much pressure to open the door — whatever was on the other side forced it open with another shove. "Rick — " I tilted my head up and a shocked gasped tour threw my throat when a walker appeared in front of me. Screams began to echo from downstairs and bounced off the walls in the bedroom.

My body was thrown against the nearest wall with a painful hiss. The walker had its hands on my neck and my shoulder — pressing me firmly against the wallpaper while I extended my arms to keep it away.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Judith sitting up in bed and my stomach turned deeply with anxiety. "Judith!" I screamed her name while I struggled against the walker. It continuously leaned forward with his jaw open wide continuously snapping in my direction.

"Judith! Play hide and seek!" I called out to her again with hopes she would understand what I was insinuating.

A simple children's game we played relentlessly back in Alexandria was another tactic I taught her to hide when things got bad. If I couldn't reach her — if something went wrong then I wanted her to hide until I came.

I feverishly kicked at the walkers knees with as much strength as I could muster. Both of my hands were around its large neck trying to keep its head as far away as possible. But once I felt its fingers pressing against my stomach like it had intentions of digging inside of me, I screamed as loudly as I could with the hope someone would come running.

Judith quickly climbed off the bed and ran towards the bedroom closet. I wasn't entirely sure what was in there that she could use for an advantage to hide herself — but anything was better than nothing. I wasn't going to let this thing have her, I wasn't going to let this thing take anymore of my children.

Its fingers pinched my stomach and I dropped my hands from its neck to grab the arms in order to stop him from tearing me open.

Warm tears rolled down my cheeks while I struggled against the walker, no longer carrying the same amount of strength I had before I was seven months pregnant. Every move I made had me heaving out of breath — I was no longer in control.

I screamed louder this time which almost caused a tear to form in my throat from the force I was using to make myself known.

The clenching sound of something driving into the walker's body had me visibly pausing my movements before I watched it drop to its knees directly in front of me. Daryl was the one that appeared first — his eyes wide with his own breathing staggered from exhaustion.

I quickly ran my hands over my neck, shoulders, arms, and stomach to make sure no part of me was injured in any way.

"You alright?!" He asked in panic while reaching for me.

I pushed his arms away and ran towards the closest. I swung the door open, "Judith!?" I quickly started pushing the clothes out of the way and some smaller suitcases that were stacked high against the wall.

Her small figure came out from the corner and immediately ran towards me. Her small arms wrapped around my stomach and I dropped down to her size to embrace her in the tightest hug I could muster.

She was crying into my shoulder while I held the back of her head trying to comfort her. "It's okay, it's okay," I whispered into her soft hair.

"Sienna!?" I turned at the sound of Rick's voice just as he ran into the room — almost colliding into the wall from how fast he was running. Once his gaze locked with mine, he dove to the ground beside us and pulled both of us into his arms.

Suddenly Maggie and Carol appeared in the bedroom. Everyone was frazzled. Rick looked the most disheveled I've seen him in days.

"I'm alright," I promised while I continued to stroke Judith's hair. "We're both okay." I looked up at Rick then towards the others with my eyebrows furrowing tiredly. "What the hell happened out there?"

"The Saviors did something to their weapons." Daryl spoke while wiping his knife across his jeans. "Everyone they cut up or got shot — they all got sick. Some of 'em turned."

I shook my head feverishly and held Judith closer to my chest. "I need space, I need — " I slowly got to my feet with the help of Rick but I shrugged away from him. I fixed Judith's legs so they were wrapped around my ribs and kept her head resting on my shoulder. "I need a second." I stepped around my husband, the walkers, and the others to exit the room. I was boardline done.