meanstreak
rick grimes 𝘹 fem!𝘰𝘤
© WANDARYEN ──── 2024

Sienna, there is unfortunately not enough room on this paper to write exactly how I feel about you and our friendship. And if I wrote on both sides, then well, people would think I'm playing favoritism (you are my favorite). I wanted to tell you thank you one last time for being there when I needed you. A lot of times I didn't voice what I was feeling and had the tendency to bottle things up, but you were always there to put a smile on my face. Even when you're going through a hard time or when you're the one in pain, you always make room to be tender towards others. You were kind to me when I first entered the farm, you were kind to me when my mother died, you were kind to me even when I was mean to you over my mothers death. You continuously extended a hand out to me with hopes I would take it. I had to grow up in a world where we have to fight everyday to survive and no matter the issue, you still showed me kindness. You unintentionally taught me how to remain kind and to give people a chance even if they don't always deserve it. To be honest, the first time I called you mom, it wasn't planned. But for a split second I felt guilty because I felt that maybe I was pushing my real mom on a back burner and giving her up for someone else. But that wasn't the case at all — I was just making some room in my heart to include you. When I first called you mom and every time after, it was because I trusted you to take care of me. My life was in your hands and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I'm not going to ask that you take care of Judith because I already know she's in good hands. I know you won't let her forget about me and I know you'll be honest with her about her mom when the time comes. All I ask is that you try to be happy. Don't let this be the reason you shut others out or stop extending your hand out to strangers because these are the best qualities of you that everyone deserves to see. Don't change yourself to fit the narrative of the world that is today. Keep dancing, keep singing, keep spinning in circles even if it makes you look ridiculous because just know that my final memories with you — are my favorite.

I pulled my knees closer to my chest as far as they would go past my stomach. Carl's letter crumbled under my grasp and I couldn't contain the heavy cries leaving my mouth. Even when I tried to muffle them with my hand to keep others from lingering around the corner, I could only cry harder.

I was sitting outside of Hilltop against one of the walls with Michonne around the corner waiting for me.

It took me longer than intended to finally read the letter Carl wrote. I was filled with anxiety for unknown reasons. Part of me knew that if I read the letter then it would become crystal clear that he was never coming back.

Every word struck me like a knife and at some point I was beginning to grow numb. I was experiencing so much heartache that my brain stopped registering every emotion to keep me from feeling the pain. All I could do was cry harder.

I didn't even realize Michonne was kneeling down in front of me with how blurry my vision became.

She was holding my arms and watching me cry with the same pained expression. "He loved you, you know what? Even if he didn't say it often you could tell with his actions. You were important to him."

I nodded knowingly even with my body shaking relentlessly. "I–I need to do something," I squeaked after heaving inwards. "Negan. His letter to Negan. He needs to know — I want to read it to him. Even if it doesn't change anything, he needs to know." I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand.

Michonne inhaled slowly through her nose before nodding. "Okay."

"Can—can you take me there?" I asked between another shaky breath.

She didn't hesitate to hold my elbows and haul me to my feet with another nod. "Of course. I'll get a car — we'll go together."

We left without telling Rick because I knew he would try to stop me. Michonne insisted that we get onto a rooftop with the walkie that shared with Negan and tell him that way — to be sure we weren't accidentally thrown into a deathly situation.

I could see the compound from where we stood on top of the building. Michonne brought her sword and weapon for extra protection — including my rifle and handgun.

My palm was growing sweaty from how tightly I was gripping the walkie in my grasp. Mentally debating when to say something while Negan stood on a platform watching the Saviors do all the work.

"We could go back," Michonne offered gently.

I shook my head and handed her the binoculars with a small sniffle. "No, I want to do this." I pulled out the letter from the pocket of my overalls and brought the walkie to my lips. "Negan?" My soft voice trembled but I managed to keep myself from crying just yet. "It's me. It's Sienna."

"Sienna? I thought you left. Rick there with you? Why don't you put him on?"

"It's just me." I sniffled again and unfolded the paper. "This isn't about Rick, it's about Carl. He wrote you a letter — I'm delivering it because that's what he wanted."

"I already told you it's too late, Sienna."

I squeezed my eyes shut firmly and felt Michonne place a reassuring hand on my back. "Please, just — shut up and listen," I bit out firmly. "Negan, this is Carl. I was helping someone. I got bit. We didn't even have to be doing what we were doing. I was just helping someone. Now I'm gone. You might be gone. Maybe my dad made your people give you up and he killed you, but I don't think so. I think you're still around and you're working on a way out. Maybe you got out. Maybe you think we're a lost cause and you just want to kill all of us." Fresh tears formed quickly and my bottom lip began to tremble slightly. "I think you think you have to be who you are. I just wonder if this is what you wanted. I wanted to ask you. I wish I could've. Maybe you'll beat us. And if you do, there'll just be someone else to fight. The way out is working together. It's forgiveness."

I quickly used the back of my hand to wipe the tears that managed to escape. Some fell on the paper in my grasp — almost smudging some of the words. "It's believing that it doesn't have to be a fight anymore. Because it doesn't. I hope my dad offers you peace. I hope you take it. I hope everything can change. It did for me. Start over. You still can. Carl."

The walkie clicked after a moment of silence. Negan's sigh could be heard through the device before falling silent again. "Sienna." I nervously looked towards the compound as he spoke. "All this — there is no getting out of it now. I wouldn't accept your surrender if you came to me on your knees. See, winning isn't about beating you. Winning is about killing every last one of you. That is starting over. I never wanted this — Rick made this happen. You tell him that."

"Carl wouldn't want this!" I gasped into the walkie while folding the note back up and shoving it into my pocket. "Even with him gone he's still pleading that we find another way. There's still a chance. We can still do that!"

"Carls dead. And I'm unconditionally sorry that he is — but that's not going to change anything. This is your final warning, Sienna. You take Judith and you leave. No more talk." The walkie clicked and the line went dead.

That familiar sharp pain  made its return in my lower back and my stomach this time. Causing me  to inhale sharply and drop the walkie.

Michonne  was at my side within a second with her arms wrapped around me for  support. "What's wrong? Is it the baby? Are you going into labor?"

I  slowly kneeled down on the roof of the building to catch my breath. I  reached for the spot on my back and the one on my stomach — the baby  wasn't moving, not that I could sense at the moment with the amount of  sheer pain lacing through my system. "I don't — I don't know." I  squeezed my eyes shut and breathed heavily through my mouth to gain  control.

"Let's get back, come on." She insisted.

"Something's wrong." Tears slowly rolled down my cheeks. "I need to see Lily. I need to see her — I need — "

Michonne  put one arm around her neck and the other around my waist. "I'm not  going to let anything happen to you, okay? Either of you."

I  believed her. I knew she would never let anything bad happen to me but  the only thing I could focus on was the possibility of losing this  child. Maybe my body wasn't strong enough to carry it like I thought it  was — but being seven months pregnant was going to put me in an even  bigger predicament. At the end of all of this it was going to be either  me or her. There was no saving the both of us.