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chapter eighteen

"THIS IS YOUR LIFE"

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     She had been wearing a dress that was yellow from the waist upwards, with pretty sleeves that flared out and a black skirt. You could tell what house she was in, but then, you could always tell that. Some people wore their personalities on their sleeves, as part of their aura, and Emilia was one of those.

     It wasn't a bad thing, really. It made people incredibly confused and worried when she stood up for Dinah, but then, she felt like the personality she radiated had been changing since the start of the term. Since Halloween, maybe.

     Dinah stood next to her, in a pretty black dress. The Slug Club was something that Em didn't particularly like, but, it had been drilled into her head that it was rude and wrong to not go to these sort of things. And, anyway, it's not like she could make up an excuse, because she lived in the school most days of the year.

     So, Em decided to just ask Dinah, which resulted in Carmilla — another member — asking Melanie so their whole group could go together. And she looked forward to it, really, just being able to spend the evening messing about with her friends. The Christmas holidays were coming up, and Em wanted to have some nice, new memories of her friends to get her through it.

     She dreaded the holidays. She knew that the thing with Chandler would be blamed on her — and this time, it made sense, because she felt responsible for it — but the rest of her siblings didn't know that. They'd still find a way to blame it on her, though, even if they didn't know what happened.

     But, with that, she didn't care if they blamed her. She deserved it. She somehow made her godfather think that it was fine, that she agreed to what he had done to her brother, so she had a part in it. She dreaded seeing her siblings and her family, but she felt as though it was part of the punishment. She somehow agreed to her godfather trying to kill her brother. She deserved every second of her siblings blaming her, making the guilt gnaw at her insides even slower.

     Em and Dinah showed up together, and exchanged a glance as they walked into the room. It had been decorated for the holidays, with gold-coloured lights twinkling above students-turned-waiters carrying about silver plates with Christmas-themed foods. Dinah grabbed a couple of the pastries as the student passed them, handing one to Em.

     "This is, um—"

     "Boring?" said Em, an eyebrow risen. Dinah nodded, and Em smiled softly. "It shouldn't be that long, and there's free cake, if that's any sort of consolation..."

     "Depends on what type of cake," said Dinah. She was glancing around at the other students, notably, the ones that were already looking at her oddly. Em could feel her own blood boil. She wasn't having anyone do or say anything her best friend, not if it was negative. "I mean, if it's chocolate cake — or the end piece of a chocolate log — then sign me the fuck up. If it's, like, mouldy carrot cake, then we're going to be having words..."

     "Who let in the murderer's daughter — oh shit!" A boy in the year above started to swat at his blue blazer, swearing as he grabbed a glass to try and extinguish the flame that appeared on the lapel. Em's eyes widened, and the flame quickly died out, just in time for someone else to chuck a glass of water at him and his face.

     Em turned around to find Dinah biting her bottom lip, trying not to laugh. "I didn't mean to," said Em. She could felt her heart beating faster, faster at the knowledge of what if she couldn't stop it? What if it just kept on going, what if it burned through his clothes and into his insides, creeping up into his organs and killing him? What if she didn't know how to stop it, what if she had killed him—?

     "Woah, Em, don't worry," said Dinah. Her gaze was on the fairy lights nearest to them, and how they were glowing brighter and brighter at a worrying speed. Em felt even worse. She was a walking disaster. "Nothing happened, yeah? Everything's fine."

     "Something could've happened," she said quietly, as she watched the boy make his way over to one of the students holding trays, grabbing a handful of sausage rolls to drown his sorrows in pastry and meat. She needed to figure out how this worked... Her godfather knew about it, it seemed, so if she just kept a hold on it until the holidays, it should be fine. It would be fine.

     At least, that would give her something to do over the holidays. She'd have something other than homework to worry about. Not that this was something she'd like to think and worry about, because really, she didn't want this. She hated this power, this ability. It made her feel nervous and scared and paranoid, in case she felt too much. And how could she control that, how much she felt? Surely that was something no one could control?

     Carmilla and Melanie showed up soon after that, doing the same as Dinah as the arrived, grabbing a couple pastries as they walked over to the other two in their group. "How about we leave a little early and swipe the Firewhiskey hidden in the common room—"

     "You have what—?"

     "Oh, yeah, one of the stones comes up, so," said Carmilla, shrugging. Em frowned in surprise. She didn't expect they'd hide alcohol — at least, not in the common room, where others could find it... But, then, if it was found by a teacher, they wouldn't get the blame, so, it made sense. "Let's save it, though. This is nice, right? A nice happy Christmas party. Get ready for these, girls, because these will become the highlight of your year when you're older. The office party."

     "Where you talk about how Susan from the primary school is being very nasty, even though her son Sam was just as terrible as little Helen at football practice," said Melanie, shaking her head. The disgusted look on Dinah's face began to increase. Em shuddered. "I'm going to die if that's my future."

     Dinah smirked. "We'll let Sage know—!"

     "Shut up!" said Melanie. Dinah started to snigger, which made Em smile. She missed this. She missed the happiness and mischievousness that was sitting on her best friend's face. She missed all of her friends being happy and OK. "You're terrible. If you weren't so short, I'd take my revenge, but, I feel bad. I shouldn't pick on someone that isn't my own size."

     "I'm not that short," said Dinah, rolling her eyes.

     Carmilla patted Dinah's shoulder. "You make up for it in anger."

     "Only the shortest warriors can scowl like that," says Em, gesturing towards the look on Dinah's face. They started to laugh, and Dinah's scowl cracked, turning into a small smile. "Right, so, we need to find the cake and take it..."

     "Leave the sneaky ones to this," said Melanie. She winked at Em, sending her a salute before she walked off in search for whatever cake was hiding in plain sight. Dinah and Carmilla smiled at her, following Melanie in her pursuit.

     Em rolled her eyes at the three of them, practically stalking off in search for a cake that might not even exist, but her gaze led her to Lily, who had spotted her, too, and made her way past a couple of boys in their year. "This is torture," said Lily. Em scoffed, nodding in agreement. "I should've done what you did, and brought a friend, or something."

     The friend in question was currently slipping past Slughorn, a grin on her face as the other two seemed to ambush one of the students helping out. Em winced at them, but turned to Lily, and smiled. "Well, you've got me," she said. "There aren't many people here."

     "It's enough, though, to avoid Slughorn, so I'm fine," said Lily. The comment got a smile out of Em, who hadn't thought about that yet. Her thoughts had mostly been on cake. "I'm thinking, though, to say hello, and then make a run for it."

     "But my friends are looking for cake," said Em.

     Lily raised an eyebrow. "What kind of cake?"

     "It's a surprise," said Em, shrugging. "There might not even be any cake."

     "A party isn't a party without cake," said Lily. "It's just a room with a lot of people in."

     "Trying to impress each other," said Em, raising her hand as she made the point. Lily's lips twisted as she nodded in agreement. To the side of them, someone was doing the exact thing they were talking about — bragging to Slughorn about how high his mum's position is within the Ministry. Em tried not to roll her eyes. Because being high up in the Ministry was something to be proud of. As if.

     She looked around at the room. The scene that surrounded her made her dread the holidays even more; she felt sick at the idea of Christmas Eve, when the family gathered to celebrate. It would be the same as when Mona almost had her going-away dinner. The men in black would stand outside again. Colourful fabrics would peep out from the pockets of their jackets. Cars would line the street. Relatives that hadn't been seen outside of a photo album for decades would stand around, silently critiquing what they would, smiling as they said yes, I would love a cup of tea...

     Emilia dreaded this. She dreaded going back. She dreaded the remarks from her siblings, she dreaded the smirks and the way they fasten their pace to cut in front of her, to sneer at her, to pick apart everything in her appearance until she felt hollow.

     They made her feel ashamed of herself. They made her think that she was terrible, that she was an abomination, that she was the evil little monster that tore a family apart. They made her hate everything she did to make herself feel more like her own being, more like Emilia than Salvatore. She knew she was going to get hell for the blue hair, for the flowers on her skin. She knew the remarks would start the instant they greeted her in the hallway at home, and within minutes, she'd catch her reflection and she'd despise the things that made her less of a Salvatore.

     "Look what we found!" said Carmilla, grinning as she and Dinah gestured towards the silver plate Melanie was holding, a smug smile on her face. Half of a chocolate cake stood on the plate, and in the background, Em could see a confused-looking student-turned-waiter, scratching his neck at the empty spot on the table. "Can we leave now?"

     "Shouldn't we speak to—"

     "He's busy bragging," said Dinah. She nodded to another part of the room, where the statement was being carried out. Slughorn was smiling as he spoke to a couple students, motioning towards some old photographs every so often. "Have we gained a member?"

     "We're not a club," said Em.

     "Yes, we are," said Melanie. "Fleetwood Mac Fan Club... I mean, if we're not, then I'm ditching you lot. That's the only reason I stuck around for this long, because I thought we were celebrating Stevie Nicks."

     Lily smiled. She was greeted with a friendly, welcoming smile by Dinah, which, if you knew Dinah, was something special. But, Dinah smiled back at her, and Emilia felt the worry about the holidays disappearing again. Her friends were amazing. She loved them to death.

     "Um, hang on," said Carmilla. She forced a frown, but a smile kept on creeping out, every time she tried to look at Melanie seriously. "I thought we were worshipping ABBA?"

      "No, that's on weekends," said Dinah. She shook her head, as the five of them left the party. As the door closed behind them, the music and chatter instantly dissolved into nothing but their voices and their shoes as they walked. "Fleetwood Mac's during the week, ABBA's weekends."

     Melanie looked at Carmilla, who was walking next to her, and over her shoulder, at Em, Dinah, and Lily. A look of disgust sat on her face. "Fleetwood Mac is everyday," she said. "Don't be so disrespectful."

     "You're a grumpy dancing queen," Dinah told her. Em laughed, and she saw Lily smile next to her. She hoped that they were making her feel welcome. She knew how groups of friends had that habit of remaining connected when someone new was with them, using old inside-jokes or asking questions that imply they heard the story or complaint or question before. She hoped they weren't doing that.

      The comment resulted in Melanie viciously defending her title of black magic woman, whilst Carmilla tried to explain that you could only be the true dancing queen at seventeen, so she should cherish that year. Dinah shook her head, and Emilia smiled, glancing at Lily, who looked like she wasn't sure whether to laugh or frown at the two in front.

     "It's a common occurrence," said Em. Lily looked over at her, the same kind smile on her face. "They agree eventually. Everyone's a black magic woman, and everyone's a dancing queen."

     "Sometimes it takes a while, though."

     "Sometimes it results in crying."

     "That was an..." Dinah frowned. "Odd experience."

     Lily looked a little confused. Em smiled warmly at her, as she explained, "Melanie started to cry over Stevie Nicks. And it wasn't just a little cry over her, it was like, proper sobbing that lasted a good hour."

     "My sister did something similar," Lily replied. A small smile sat on her face. "She heard Yellow Submarine and she cried. Non-stop. Her boyfriend had to come over and comfort her after the second hour."

     "And one time," said Dinah, grimacing. The argument taking place in front of them included an increasing amount of hand gestures, which worried Em, in case they dropped the cake. "They argued and then they made up, and all that, but then, they started to play both of the songs at full-volume. And it was two in the morning, so we got detention because of it."

     Em darted to the two in front, smiled at Melanie as she took hold of the silver plate, as she fell back in line with Dinah and Lily. Dinah picked off some of the chocolate icing. "Oh, shit! This is good!" she let out. "Mel, Carm—"

     "Fleetwood, Waterloo!" said Em. Melanie and Carmilla turned around, both looking at her in surprise. Em smiled. "We can't eat the cake if you're arguing."

     "OK, wow, you've been near too many Gryffindors—"

     "What house am I, then?" asked Lily, raising an eyebrow. A smirk was on her face, just like a smile sat on Melanie's. The five had sat to the side of a corridor, passing around the forks Dinah took before they all left. "What you mean is that she's been around Sirius too much—"

     Em wished she hadn't taken a bite of chocolate cake, because as she tried to chew and swallow her food, Melanie had already chimed in, a smug grin on her face. "You know she stood on the table the other week?"

     "I saw," said Lily. "That was cool, though."

     "Exactly!" said Em, raising her hands. Dinah shook her head, sniggering to herself. "And there's nothing wrong with being around him."

     Carmilla shrugged. "He's better than Prince and that lot."

     "A rock would be a better boyfriend than him, or any of his demon-friends," said Lily, wincing at the idea of Prince being her boyfriend. Em understood that completely. "He's not that bad. You get used to him."

     Emilia had another forkful of chocolate cake. She thought it was better to keep on eating and stay a little quiet, because she knew that she viewed him a lot differently than the other four sitting with her. They didn't get the butterflies, or felt happy and comfortable with him.

    But that made sense. None of them spent most of their nights in the prefect's bathroom with him, because it was warm and generally easy for both to get in without getting into trouble with Filch. None of them had their moods picked up when he smiled. None of them felt that.

     So she ate more cake.

***

     The hallways were close to pitch-black by the time that she left her friends, using her wand as a guide to get back to her dorm room. Some of the candles that hung on the walls in ornate holders were still flickering, but for the most part, the ones close to the wind outside had already been blown out. By the time she passed, she couldn't even smell the smoke.

     "For fuck's sake, Pete, it's not Filch, calm yourself—"

     Em's eyes narrowed in confusion. "I'm pretty sure he's downing Firewhiskey with Slughorn," she said. "At least he was... What are you doing?"

     The light from her wand, and the four boys' wands, made their faces visible. All but Sirius looked like a deer caught in headlights; instead, he winked at her, and said, "We got hungry."

     "You missed the chocolate cake we stole from the Slug Club party," said Em. "Actually, no, it's a good thing you weren't there, because that would've meant less cake for me, so."

     Sirius smiled at her, and then looked at the three boys next to him, who were all smirking at him. "You're not corrupting her, off you go," he said.

     "Corrupting?" she said, as the three started to walk back to the Gryffindor Tower. Behind her, she heard one of them snort. "I thought that happened when I tried to piss off my family?"

     "Well, you're still a walking ray of sunshine," said Sirius. Emilia pulled a face of disagreement, taking hold of his hand and walking closer towards the door to her common room. "Or, maybe not, you've been corrupted, I've corrupted you—"

     "It's like a greenhouse during summer in there," Em interrupted. "I'm cold. It's got nothing to do with being corrupted, dear, I'm cold. That's all."

     "I don't know if I should believe you," he replied, and she scoffed. She let them into the Hufflepuff basement, the instant warmth hitting her the instant she stepped inside. "I know what you're trying to do."

     "Avoid the cold?"

     "By going into the extreme heat so I've got to take my top—"

     "Maybe I'm just cold," said Em. She rolled her eyes. "I'm normally a wreck when I get an actual cold, too, and I'd rather not give any more fuel to my siblings' fire."

     They sat down on one of the sofas. She felt him put his arm around her, and she could feel butterflies in her stomach. "You're definitely seeing them, then?" he asked.

     "Well, yeah, um, Mona and Chandler have moved out but they all make sure they're back in time for my holidays to start," said Em. The dread was beginning to return. She could feel it gnawing at her insides again. "And then on Christmas Eve, anyone related to us comes over for this massive dinner — but it's good! It means that my siblings are busy."

     "You know I'm near, if anything goes wrong—"

     "It'll be fine," she said. "I'm overreacting. It'll be just like every year." The whole break will be spent feeling like shit, because Christmas is the perfect time for children to think about their parents, and for her siblings, that meant they would remember their parents and how they left, how they packed up, how they gave them up because of Emilia. She couldn't wait. "But thank you. I appreciate it. Really."

     "I just want you to be safe," he said.

     "And I will be," she said. When I'm back at school. The worry on his face started to settle into her mind, and she felt her stomach drop. "I'll be fine. Promise. Nothing's going to go wrong, it's all going to be fine."

     Sirius frowned. Emilia smiled.

     "I don't want my last memory of you to be you like that," said Em. He gave her a look, and she grinned at him. "You look like a grumpy dancing queen."

     "I—what?"

     "A grumpy dancing queen!" said Emilia. She started to laugh, moving to sit closer to him. Her arm sat around his shoulders as he wrapped both of his around her waist.

     Sirius smiled at her. "You're amazing," he said. Emilia smiled back at him, and he leaned closer, kissing her. "You deserve more than that family, yeah? You're more than that."

     "But I can't show that, not yet," said Emilia. She glanced to her side, where one of the plants was sitting. "I still need to pretend. It's safer."

     "How do you know that?"

     "What do you mean?"

     Em frowned, moving back and off of him. He looked just as concerned as she was annoyed. "If they're like mine, then you don't know that for definite — how do you know it'll be safe? How do you know you'll be fine staying with them? Things have changed, Em, what used to happen won't—"

     "What's going to be different?" asked Em, raising her eyebrows. She felt annoyed, irritated, agitated, but it wasn't the same anger that caused flames around her to grow. "Nothing's going to be different — it's going to be the same as every year, it's going to be them making fun of me for two weeks straight, I'm going to hide in my room as much as possible, and then I'll be back here, like nothing's changed, because nothing will change!"

     Sirius stood up. "I was trying to look out for you — I've been through the same — but obviously, if you know what's going to happen, then what's the point in me even saying this? Fucking hell."

     Em watched him leave. She sat on the sofa, jumping slightly when the door slammed shut. The fire was still burning, the orange glow growing the more she looked at it.

     This was all stupid. Nothing bad was going to happen over the holidays. Her family weren't the nicest people, but that didn't mean she'd be in any sort of danger! She dreaded it because she she dreaded being around her family. Not because her godfather was a psychopathic piece of shit, but because her siblings were wicked and rotten and loved to tease her, pick her apart.

     That was why she dreaded it. She didn't think anything bad would happen — as long as she played along with what her godfather expected, she'd be fine. She could do that, for two weeks. Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty-six hours. Twenty thousand, one hundred and sixty minutes. Sure, it was a little over a million seconds, but that wasn't too bad. Not much could happen in a second.

     Right?

***

     The snow had settled on the ground when they got on the train. Em felt sick to her stomach, and she walked down the train's corridor with Carmilla's arm around her. They sat in their usual compartment, Em sitting next to Melanie as they shared out a few packets of muggle chocolate.

     "If anything happens—"

     "Nothing will happen."

     "Well — if anything does—"

     "It won't—"

     "Em, for fuck's sakes, shut up and listen to us, you little shit," said Dinah. Em frowned. Melanie and Carmilla looked like they were in agreement with Dinah. Which Em didn't quite get. All Dinah said was shut up, but OK. "If anything happens, you tell us. If anything feels wrong, you get out of that house, you call Carmilla on the muggle payphone down the street, and she'll get you."

     Em opened her mouth to repeat the same sentence, the same three words. Nothing will happen. Melanie grumbled. "I love you, Em, but cut out the optimism. Think about what to do if something happens, all right? You need to know what to do in case anything feels weird — and if anything feels weird, even in the slightest, you need to get out as quickly as possible. Sneak out, and don't look back. OK?"

     "OK," said Emilia.

     She hadn't slept much the night before, and she felt exhausted because of it, but she couldn't get to sleep on the train, either. The night before, she tossed and turned and tried to take her mind off of how she was going to spend the two weeks off school, but she couldn't, until it was halfway through the witching hour and she somehow managed to drop dead until half-six.

     Now, she couldn't sleep. If she slept now, she'd wake up and she'd be closer to London, closer to her family, closer to the fortnight of teasing and insulting and wanting to cry.

     But it would be fine. She went through this every school break. What was the difference this time? Her godfather liked a lot more this time, and he was around a lot more during Christmas, so it wouldn't be as bad. Surely. Hopefully.

     Nothing would be out-of-the-ordinary. Nothing would be drastically different. Nothing would be dangerous, not to her, not to her siblings. There would be nothing to worry about.

     When the train screeched to a halt, Em felt her stomach drop. She felt the need to open the window and vomit, but she knew she was worrying over nothing. She knew that the worry expressed by her friends had been absorbed by her, and that was why she was nervous.

     That was all. She'd return to school at the start of the January and laugh because, it wasn't so bad, was it?

     "I love you, Em," said Melanie, hugging her title. Em tried her best to squeeze her arms around Melanie's waist, but before she could, Dinah and Carmilla moved to hug her, too. "If anything's the slightest bit dodgy

     "I'll be there," said Carmilla. "You know my house's number, right? It's on a piece of parchment in your trunk, next to your pyjamas."

     "And if your siblings are bad in any way," Dinah added. "They'll be running from more than your flames."

     The four broke apart, and Em stepped back. "I'll be fine—" She saw the three others in the compartment wear various expressions of, for fuck's sakes. "But if anything happens, I promise I'll get you first."

     After their trunks were sorted, and Em had a tight hold on Ripper, the four looked at each other, all a little nervous. Dinah smiled warmly at Em, and Carmilla put an arm around her as they left. Melanie pulled along Em's trunk, so that Em could hold Ripper better, and so that one of them could follow her to her family.

     Em stepped off of the train and it went. The strength. The courage. The wall inside of her, slowly becoming thicker, slowly thickening her skin. She saw her godfather and her godmother, and then, behind them, stood her siblings, all different shades of disinterested.

     "Emilia Elodie," said Capulet. Em forced a smile, and she looked behind at Melanie, who smiled back at her, leaving her trunk and walking towards her parents. In the corner of her eye, she could also see Dinah, who, although her parents were hugging her, had her gaze on the Salvatores. "It feels like a century since we've last seen you. Come on, let's go home..."

     Em wished she didn't have to follow.

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we're getting close to the end!!! which is sad but also,,, fucking hell the ending oh my god you're going to love it lots and lots

i hope you enjoyed, and let me know what you thought! :)

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