You know what I wish? I wish I could say this story is funny.

Raccoons are funny, aren't they? And stories about raccoons? Those are bound to be hilarious, yes? Well, I'm sorry to say, this one is not.

See, raccoons are funny in cartoons. But in real life, they bite. They bite and they steal and they eat your trash, and your food, if you let them. And do you know what I found out? They'll take a big bite out of your life as well.

So beware of me and I'll beware of you, but most of all, beware the raccoon.