" How much more time do you have before your exam starts. " My mother asks, rolling another chapati for me to eat. I don't know how and why, but something between me and her has shifted since last night. That scuffle between my parents and me and my mother seem to have taken a few steps forwards towards each other.

" Mm. Exam starts at 12.00,but I need to be present there by 11.30." I say as I tear a small portion of the hand rolled bread and dipped it into the streaming cup of hot tea and filled my mouth with it. Yes, chapati and tea, that represents our kind of breakfast. With the little money we are left with after splurging on my father's alcohol addiction, this is pretty luxurious. Chapati and tea was good. Better then being empty stomach. Or compromising with the cheap chai tapri kind biscuits!

" Hmm, that is still a lot of time. It's just 7.30 right now. " She hums, looking at the second hand wall clock.

" Yes, there is. But why are you asking? " I ask her as I finish up my breakfast and take my plates and walk to the small plastic bin which my mother had arranged for washing the dishes. I take a few scoops of water from the storage and wash the plates with as little water as I can. Water is precious around our neighborhood. More precious than probably gold or diamond. You need to fight a battle to get your regular dose of water reserved. There is one single tap and hundreds of people to cater to. I do not understand why the Municipal is a pinchpenny with the supply of water, especially to us. Does being a Dalit or poor lessens the need for water as well! Shouldn't they be looking at the number of people dwelling around and supply water accordingly. How does one live with less than required amount of water! Well, ask us. We know. We literally count the drops. The dictum of save water that we are taught at school; I can swear no one understands that better than people like us. People who not only fights for survival each day, but also fights for a drop of nature's abundance.

" Let it be. I will do it. " My mother chips in with her offer to help, baffling me in return. Has someone casted some spell over my mother for her to behave such with me! I wonder. I am used to watch her ordering me around and yelling at me for my help with the household chores. Her offer of doing it herself has started to flock in since yesterday. Is there something that I should be aware of!

" What is wrong with you Ma. Till yesterday you used to literally yell at me for helping you out with work and now suddenly you are bubbling with care. Tell me what is cooking up inside that head of yours! " I turn and face her as I ask her to shoot. There is something definitely fishy with her sweetness. No, do not take me wrong. I am not judging my mother's care or affection or anything. It's just that when we are used to things being harsh and ruthless, the sudden sweetness starts to feel like an onslaught. We tend to become inquisitive around that sudden bestowal of affection. My mother might love me, I am sure she does, but this out of the box caring attitude has started to prick something inside my heart.

" This is good. Now that I am caring for you, you feel something is fishy and wrong with me. So do you want me to be brutal and cold towards you like I did always. Can a person not change Saroj! I know I was wrong to take my frustration out on you, but you see I had none for that. Your father and his atrocities were getting on my nerves and I had only ypu around to vent my anger. And so I did. " She explains halting for a while from rolling her portion of the chapati, and looks at me straight. Her eyes has that apology written all within its depth. I walk to her and take that rolling pin from her and push her aside as I take the last small ball of dough and roll that out for her. I put it on the worn out griddle and bake it for her. Pouring out the semi cold tea into the steel cup, I place the chapati, now baked onto it and forward it towards her. She sat all this while, looking at me with stupified gaze. I know why though. I have never taken any kind of interest toward cooking. Whatever I did till date was just because of her constant nagging and mocking. This is the first time I did that deliberately on my own. I chuckle at my mother's reaction and nudge her to eat.

" Don't look at me like that, eat " I point at her, smiling a little . I am liking this shift in our relationship. She nods and digs in. Her stomach , craving for food, being food deprived since last night. The scuffle propelling us both to sleep empty stomach.

" What changed though! " I slump down beaide her, giving her a company. Not that the enormous place is actually enormous enough for me to move out of her eyes anyways, but I just sit down right beside her and watch her gobble down the plaid and bland chatpati as if it's some delicious delectable from a reputed restaurant. I chuckle at my innuendo inside my head. Restaurants are a fantasy for us, unachievable, and this makes my determination to achieve the unachievable a little more stronger. I definitely wound earn myself the place and  position to visit a restaurant one day. One day! Although that one day seems a far fetched dream to me right now. Definitely not achievable, living here in this dingy, filthy colony where people cries over their fate but never takes a step to change it anyway. Somehow I see people around me crib and cry and cuss for this fate but never take a stance for themselves. Why, i do not know. May be they actually have lost their faith towards any kind of hope! But I am determined to cling to that hope till the last. I can't let myself suffocate here. I won't allow myself to die this insignificant, dull death without a try to break free.

" You tell me what changed? I never saw you taking interest in cooking and these household chores. " She asks me in return. I take a pause and wonder to that question. She has a valid point though. What changed in me within an overnight! Probably to see the filthiness of our class from such a close proximity that is so famous around the society. Or probably to have a little experience of the same on my own self and body. I actually do not know, but I definitely feel this shift within me for my mother. I feel my heart reaching out for her to bear this torture for so long. Exactly how she managed to, I have no idea. But now that I know she did, I feel the determination growing to bring about a change with my life. Mine and hers.

" I realise you have grown up. I saw what he did to you. " She husks. Her head bowed down in sheer embaressment. I sigh and crawl to her and hug her sideways this time.

" Ma. " I mumble, rubbing my nose over her shoulder. Her body smells a little fowl because of rigorous sweating. She had practically been working her ass off since the time she had left the bed. The bed! Huh. Oh It's a bed no doubt. A bed of roses for her and me while my father sleeps over the petals!

I feel my views towards her change as I start to witness her plights in a wider frame. Would my life turn out to be the same! Working in the kitchen since I would wake up, setting breakfast for my husband, getting the home ready while I would wait for the evening with a blankness around me only to be thrashed and beaten by a drunk him by the time he would return!  I shudder at the possibility. By every means, if I do kot manage to score good marks in the examination or my father stops being that dedicated one he turns to in the morning, there is every chance I would end up being like her, or Minu madi Or every other woman of our locality. And that made my resolution rigid by a few notches more. No! I have to make a way to get out of this shamble. I cannot end up being here can I!

But that resolution takes a flight with the next words my mother blurts out.

" I used to force you for these works so that I can prepare you for your marriage. Girls from our strata of the society needs to learn how to manage a home and not how to deal with studies Saroj. That is what my mother made me learn when I was just a mere ten year old girl. This is what girls from our caste learns. Either this or how to clean a latrin. I felt this was a better and more dignified job than to learn how to clean sewarage and drains and bathrooms. I thought cooking and mopping and doing dishes is a better job than to clean other people's shit. " She says, vocalizing her hidden tryst with her own destiny. I feel my angst grow high. Is this it! Is this how our lives are supposed to end up. Girls like me who belong from this lowest strata of the society, are we not allowed to dream and think big! Can we actually not make it big in reality like I want to!

" Ma.. " I sigh. Looking at her helplessly.

" Your baba has been looking for a groom for you. There is someone he has already fixed for you. " She confesses with that guilty look on her face.

" Ma... " I gasp. This peace of news, more like a shocker to me. Marriage! He has fixed a groom already! How! When! Why was I not informed or asked! Delusional! My mind scoffs at me in retaliation. As if your father would seek your permission for trading you off! It scowls again.

" I am sorry, I shouldn't have revealed this to you right now, specially with your exam in just a few hours, but it just slipped my mind. " She mutters guiltily. " You don't take that into your mind and give your exam properly. It's not that we are getting you married tomorrow! " She tried to add a little humour to that statement of hers with a small smile. I growl inside with a guttural frustration. Marriage! Would I be traded off too at this tender age like so many other girls of our class!  Is that how my fate has been written as. To be born as  nothing and die as nothing, bearing the brunts of your father and then of your husband! Is that how I would end up as well, a mirror image of my mother!

" Who is he! " I manage to whisper. The dreadful feeling intensifying. Why are they doing this to me! Especially gee after knowing how eagerly I want to study and break this chain!

Especially after last night and the bridge that we covered!

" I don't know Saroj. He doesn't tell me much. He is not the one that he tends to pretend in broad daylight in front of you. He might seem mighty fine as a father but as a partner, he doesn't tell me much."  She reveals.

" I just know that he is someone from his workplace. Probably a fellow sweeper from where he works. " And my heart shatters to million pieces hearing that. That's it. My fate is being sealed by my father and in the most inhuman way possible. I would probably end up being in my mother's shoes. Wrapped up in sheets of my sweeper husband who would be content yet frustrated working as a toilet cleaner and by the end of the day would come back home and take all his frustration out on me . My fate is going to end me exactly where I stem from. Only, I do not wish to end up this way at all. I don't . I would die if this turns out to be like this way.

" I want to study Ma. You know right. I told you last night I want to study. " I plead out. Letting those cries of my heart take a real shape. More like seeking a validation from her. As if her permission would work around the house anyways.

" I know. But one day you would have to na Saroj. Your study, it all depends on your baba. And as far as I know, study, no study, one day you will have to marry someone settle down as a housewife like us. " She says, breaking all my hopes in a thrash. Where is that mother from last night lost who gave me all her blessings for a good life ahead. Of giving me that mental strength to pursue my dreams!

" And become the wife to another sweeper and take his beatings each night! " I scoff, rolling my eyes. " I am not going to do that at all. " I retaliate back. I actually am not going to do that at all! I say this to myself silently. The determination, flaring,reaching new heights.

" So what do you expect? A Brahmin for yourself? " She reprimands back immediately. I quieten down at her remark. I do not have a proper reply to that now do I!

" A Dalit gets a Dalit for himself or herself Saroj. That's the way the society works. And you would find maximum Dalits working in this field . Either they are the sweepers or they are the scavengers. Or you will find them at a cremation ground. That is it, that is the reality. Love it, hate it, but you cannot deny it Saroj. " She adds more. I silently sit there, taking it all. Is that the reality really! What about the reservations then! The reservations for the backward classes the country was raging with!

" That's not the case Ma. There is reservation for us everywhere. Studies. Work. Everywhere. " I revert back.

" And you belive in this fallacy? " She frowns back. Brows knitted together, her question more like a reality check that she tries to give me right at this moment, but I deny to take that.

" You think this works! Do you think the deafening people would allow us so easily to enjoy these reservations! They would let someone among us they consider dirt to bloom between them so easily! No Saroj. The world is not such an easy place. Specially this caste discrimination and hatred, this is more deeper than you are yet to experience. This is skin deep. This runs into the blood. You would hardly find someone such liberal and broad minded. It's easy to preach, but tough to practise. " She scoffs.

" But I won't let myself die like you are dying Ma. I won't. I would fight but not end up here facing this wrath. I deny this. " There is fierceness that rises within me suddenly. The determination strengthening each time I am being pushed down to accept this pre written destiny for myself. I would not, I simply would not. I tell myself again.

" Try.. If you want to! " She smirks a little.  I snap at her hopeless snigger. Is she mocking me!

" Ma.. Last night you blessed me with my dreams. Where is that mother lost! Was that my illusion? " I snapped at her, even though I did not want to. Yet, she words are creating that hopelessness within me I so hate. I want my determination back and not this helplessness. I want to break free and rise and shine and not loose myself to these filthy lanes of nothingness. No I don't want this life at all. I would die before I let something like this diffuse me to oblivion. I would not. I would ever not.

" I still bless you with you dreams Saroj. Just giving you a reality check to keep you grounded. Dreams are dreams. There is no surity of it to come true. You may watch as many as you want to, but how many of them actually comes true Saroj! Specially for people like us? "

" And not every Dalit is a wife beater. That's so wrong to say like that. " My mother chides back to rectify me once again. " I have never seen my father behave such towards my mother. " She adds. True she is actually. I myself have seen a few people around who is far from this sorry example of an abusive man, representing our class. For example Minu masi's husband. I have never seen uncle behave such with her. I have never heard him speak with her in this manner as of. I nod my head, silently, agreeing to what she has to say. True she is.

" It's all in the fate Saroj. You may try to run away from it as much as you want to, but it's all in the fate. We get what have been decided for us. "

" And who decides that fate for us? " I hiss back. This conversation has started to take an unwelcomed, uglier term.

" Bhagwaan! (Almighty). The one who created us! " She says, with a conviction so strong for that unidentified identity, that I almost roar out in mirth. Almighty! Really! The one to create this discrimination between the same creation?

" The same one who doesn't allow us to enter his home just because we are Dalits! " I sneer  back. Over the time as I had started to grow up and understand the world around me, I have realised the favouritism God displays in his affection for his children. Poor, rich, privileged, unprivileged, so on and so forth, I fail to understand these days why did he create a mind of us humans who spreads so much of hatred rather than love, the purpose they had been created for, forgetting what Adam and Eve actually represented and symbolised. The same root, the same origin, the essence of same family. Yet, the only thing I see around is discrimination and hatred and derogation among human kind. Why does God not seek their redemption now that they are turning into a beast!

" I don't know Ma. But I won't compromise with my life. I won't. There is every possibility of it of not coming true but I won't stop fighting for it. I would fight till my last breath. I cannot be living like this. I cannot. " I say, my voice quivering, my tears brimming with those unshed tears that threaten to fall any moment. I sniffle and try to wipe them off before they fall and make me weak. Yes weak. For me, tears are a sign of weakness. I have stopped crying a long time back. I want these tears to accumulate and crystalise and push down heavy on my heart for that determination within me to solidify.

" Acha ok. Do not worry too much about it. There is still time. From what your father told me, the groom's family has asked for a year's time. You have a year to prove yourself Saroj. That is all I can give you. Probably a few more months from that but that is all. Take this time and do whatever you have to do. If you fail, you would have to listen to your father and settle down and marry. " She says, giving me that ray of hope again. A year. I have a year to plan and execute my life. Would I be able to make a path for myself by then! I don't know to be exact. I don't know if I would be able to carve a niche for myself by then. I actually do not know. I am barely 16! Still crossing that threshold of school. What would I do and how would I fight my fate at this tender age and without money!

And this epiphany gave birth to another resolution within my heart. A resolution to look for a way to earn. Anything, everything. I need to earn and save, enough for me to sustain if my fate and my family decides to reign it's sovereignty over my resolutions. I need to look for a job for myself if I desire to break free from here.

" And now the reason why I was asking if you have time before your exams, you got me distracted with your high end aspirations. " I hear her chuckle, bringing me out of my zone. I frown and look at her intently. Eyes, questioning silently.

" Get ready and pay a visit to Ma Kali before you go for your exams. It's the first day, you should take blessings from Ma. " And I roll my eyes at her. Whatever for she still holds her faith strong, I do not understand. Don't we have enough reasons to not to?

" Yes. As if that would make me score good marks in the exam! " I cannot help the sarcasm from rolling out.

" Saroj! " I hear her admonish as she plaits my hair and ties a ribbon at the end. She had always been doing my hair when I get ready for my school. How I missed this gesture of affection of hers till date!

" Ma, my hard work is what is going to help me score good and not your Ma Kali's blessing. " I scorn back, rolling my eyes again.

" You and your logic! Can't you just listen to me once! " She reproves me from atop my head, her hands going a slight bit rigid on my hair in reaction.

" Ma, ouch, it hurts! " I squeal, although the pull wasn't harsh.

" Just do as I say. " She orders, back to being that bossy self around me as she ties the other plait, securing the ribbon tight. I huff and sigh, giving up.

" Don't go too near, and drop this inside the donation box. " My mother instructs, shoving a ten rupees note inside my palm. The bribe to the Lord for passing me! I try to protest one last time, but a glare from her and I decide otherwise. The pissed off mother is a lot irritating than this comfortable one I had managed to excavate since last night and so I decide to stay silent, as I nod and walk out with my bag. Ten minutes later, I find myself at the entrance of Lake Kali Bari, as instructed, joining my hands in front of the idol.

" Make me pass with flying colors if you can. " I manage to mumble silently, with the slightest bit of faith still alive and breathing inside my heart. Although I have doubt how much she is going to listen. Haven't each one amidst us have prayed some time Or other for a little improvement of our lowly situation time and again! Yet, nothing surmountable change had doned upon us till date.

I am lost, contemplating in my own mind when a small chaos from the other side pulls at my attention.

" Sala dom chamarer jaat! Look at their audacity to come here and tarnish our holy place! " A loud toar erupts making me flinch inside. The tone, so monstrous and full of disgrace for that someone it is being directed at. I shudder inside, apprehending what might have happened.

" Why! You have the sole proprietorship over this place or what! " I hear an equally loud ring of a voice of a female rebuking back. Oh good Lord! Whoever it is showing her bravery. For all I know, this is so going to turn murky. We Dalits are actually not allowed to enter a temple for whatever reasons I have no idea of. Me being in this school attire might have taken their suapection away.

" How dare you! " I hear a few more adanve towards her, the rudeness in their voice breaking all barriers, a small commotion has gathered already,aking it difficult for me to look whoever it is as I quickly finish my prayer and look at the clock at the wall of the temple. 10.30 it shows, which means o still have a little time to invest here. I do not know why I walk towards the crowd, but there is a sudden insurgency I feel rise within me to see a fellow someone being treated bad. I know it's a bad decision as I find my way to that gathering, but I also guess this intifada had always been there inside me. As a child, who always had an inkling to fight the injustice, and even now, as I feel my teenage blood boil to see the helpless woman, an old one cladded in a shabby saree all set and ready to fight the mass.

" How dare I! How dare you tell us where we can visit and where we can not! This is God's house. You cannot dictate me from coming here. This is my God as well. How am I not allowed here and why and by whom! " She bellows and I take a deep bated breath, anticipating what next when her guttural cry makes me freeze at where I am. My eyes registering the brutal spectacle when a group of male grabs her hair and tries to pull her away. The old lady protests with every spec of her strength to resist them, but where and how is her strength equitable to five men to resist and win at all. I gasp I horror as I watch them haul her out and push her off the temple premise making her fall on her knees. A few of them jabbed a few kicks to her stomach, making her yell out in pain. I stand there, scared like a cat, my every cell calling me to move ahead and help her out. She's probably someone from your caste, deprived and derogated ! My conscience yells at me to react and run to her and help her out. Yet, I stand, completely frozen to where I was. What else am I supposed to do! I am a child, barely 16! How would I fight against the mass of men who didn't think twice to raise their hands on an elderly lady! Wherever their wthics and morals die when it comes to their treatment towards the lower caste, especially us Dalits! But with every thanks to the heaven above, it is soon that a man, comparatively young runs to her the very next moment, helping her out. Probably her son, at least his addressal confirmed my shaky self as I stand there listening to their conversation.

" Ma, told you not to come here. Told you how they would treat you. Told you you wouldn't be allowed inside. Why do you not listen to me at all! " He shrieks, pulling her off the ground and dusting off her saree.

" But why? Aren't we allowed to pay tribute to God! Are we not human! " She cries some more, holding on to that young man.

" No. Apparently we are not. According to these upper castes, we are not. We are Dalits. We are not human beings. The fast you understand this the better for your safety. You are agying Ma, stop with your rebellious attitude. Nothing is going to come out of it. Not in front of these egoistic dogs at least. " He says, checking out for any wounds on her body. " Are you hurt anywhere? " He enquires, but hisses as the cuts on her elbow shines underneath the sunlight. I gasp, looking at that wound. It was ghorish, oozing blood.

" Isss. You need dressing. See what has happened with your stubbornness to visit temple . Why couldn't you just pray sitting at home. God doesn't reaide in a temple only. This whole world is his home. Next time, please listen to me. It would be for your own good! " And with that, he takes her hand and stars to walk off. The crowd has thinned by now. A mere buzzing of a few loitering ones is all I can hear as I take a few wobbly steps and find a stone slab nearby and slump on it hard, my mind still wrapping around the ruthless spectacle it just witnessed. My heart still beating thunders inside. My throat parched and dry as I fish for my water bottle inside my bag. I take it out and gulp down half of it in one go. My inner self completely rattled with what it saw. Although I have known all my life of the heinousness with which we Dalits and the lower castes are being treated at various stratas of the society, specially the temples, yet, this had been a first hand experience for me. And beside the hankering fear, the incident gave me an enormous epiphany to ponder upon. We Dalits are indeed treated as slime and dirt in this society and this would hardly change. Rather never if I do not manage to make myself worthy to throw at the society's face. And for that, I need to break free from this place as soon as I can. I need to find a way to stand on my feet somehow before this one year ends. If not, my father would get me married to someone from our class and I will end up living a cursed life like the other fellow people. I need to take a stand and prove myself. To the world and to everyone who looks down upon us Dalits as mere nothings. And.. The first step towards my goal is the exam I need to sit for and excel with marks that would pave the way for my liberation. I sigh and helped myself up with a mental strength so strong even I myself shudder with its intensity and walk away.

Even if you fail, there is always the reservation! My subconscious mind gives me the backup , letting that determination solidify even more.

***

Couldn't sleep, so thought of uploading. Hopefully you would like the chapter. How are you all finding the story anyway? Boring? Do share your reviews. Do comment and tell me

Until the next chapter, love to each one of you.

❤❤,

Sanu